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I'm having trouble grasping the reality of my situation, that I've been stuck in the 'off' position of freeze mode for the last 2 years - and NOTHING seems to be enough to break me out of it! Even the prospect of potentially being homeless for a 3rd time. I can't get myself to apply for jobs. This has gone on for far too long. I thought that finally leaving my NPD parents' home would be enough to snap me into reality, but instead it's like I'm still recovering from them & my past losses. I cannot go to therapy because that would mean asking them for money to fix a problem largely caused by their psychological abuse. A part of me is so damaged by decades of money problems and career disappointments, that I think I don't want to go through it again so I avoid everything to do with employment, even though this is not acceptable. I am months away from not being able to afford the new place I finally got.

I get the strong feeling that my flight/freeze mode is essentially a form of dissociation, but I haven't the slightest idea how to work my way out of this ... anyone in a similar situation? Or anyone with any ideas of what to do about this? Thanks.

*trigger warning re: therapists having boundaries*

I saw this article and found it pretty shocking. It mentions that a T who would do this is likely a psychopath.
I think it's just something good to be aware of, considering we are recovering from PD people.
https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2018/06/04/sexual-misconduct-therapists-may-more-common-than-you-think/lHh2CLBcxHF6bdDH1coWCO/story.html

I am a female adult in middle age - so why the * am I being subject to weirdness regarding my BPDm? Like the emotional sexualization from my NPDf was not enough? It appears that BOTH of them do this. It makes me cringe with disgust - I am badly triggered today because of a weird text from her.

Because they are both COVERTS, I will never get 'proof' of any of this - that plausible deniability thing? My m worded this text in a really gross, creepy way like she was in love with me and wanted to be with me, something about 'enjoy each other' - I don't know if she meant doing something that we could enjoy 'WITH' each other - but she LEFT OUT THE WORD 'WITH' .... this is one of those crazy-making things that coverts do, that screw up survivors' lives more than anyone can imagine! This kind of stuff will destroy a person's soul just as much as if they'd been beaten - because it can't be identified, there's no proof, makes you confused & feeling like you're going crazy.

I feel like I am the object of desire in my FOO. I am not joking. There are too many instances of inappropriate emotional sexualization. I'm not going to give examples right now, because I just can't.

I just feel so GROSS right now. I can't tolerate the sickeningly sweet, overly mushy, love-bombing things BPDm writes to me - it literally makes me want to throw up. This woman is nuts. I don't want to hang out with her. I don't want to go anywhere with her. But she is making me feel obligated and it's driving me crazy. I can't go NC because they are helping me pay bills - this is the nightmare web I am caught in with this FOO. I want to get out, but my CPTSD has been so bad for 1.5 years, that I just feel paralyzed where getting a job is concerned. I have run out of time and I know I need to take quick action. I'm trying to just read Pete Walker's book, because I cannot handle going to a therapist. I feel it will actually cause me more problems because I have a lot of fears about revealing my life to people. Even doing it online I have a deep sense of shame & paranoia, but I feel I need to share to get through this & recover. Does anyone else here feel this way? I write all these posts, then want to delete them because of the toxic shame & fear of getting found out. Maybe the fear is induced by my FOO and I'm just projecting it.

Anyway ... I also had circumstantial evidence that I was probably molested as a young child. Again, I have no proof, because part of the memory is blacked out. The problem for me now as an adult is not sexual, but rather emotional. It is the emotional CRINGE factor that makes all of this so bad.

Now that I've been out of their house for about a month, I am relieved to not be in a state of hypervigilance wondering when the next figurative "dart" will hit me. (Dart being their emotional/verbal/psychological manipulations & attacks)

But I am back to my isolated life & emotionally flashback-ing all over the place. I woke up in this acute state of fear/panic today. It took ALL the energy I had to just face some scary tasks last week involving people & phone calls - but since I did those last week, I have not been able to stay in that state of empowerment - I've slipped once again into avoidant freeze/flight. UGH.

On morning like this, especially rainy Monday, I find it impossible to face life. Anyone else go through this? It's something I have to just ride out like a wave. Forced action will not happen - I would only further resist. I saw a video on YT Surviving to Thriving & she suggests a breathing technique & acupressure points to normalize my amygdala from chronic hypervigilance. I guess I need to accept that this is where I'm at right now, and not be angry at myself. The temptation is for the Inner Critic to really let me have it for all of my avoidance behaviors. Note to self: It's NOT YOUR FAULT. THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Hi, I explained a bit of my background in the Symptoms section (adulthood) under Feeling Frozen post ...

This site looks great and I would also like to get that Pete book.

From YouTube channels I have learned a lot in the past few months about NPD and the effects of the psychological abuse on people like me. My abuse was/is "covert" (except for the verbal attacks from my father occasionally) so the parents only appear like normal beings on the surface, but my general feeling is they destroyed the core selves of me and my sibling.

It's nice to find a forum that is more focused on us ... even though YouTube has been great for learning & camaraderie.

I am pretty sure I suffer from this CPTSD, it describes well many years of chronic problems and answers the question "WHAT is WRONG with me???" that I've asked myself too often.

My current dilemma is (yet again) finding a job and a home, this time while stuck in the abusers' home. Like I said, on the surface, they would appear as decent people to outsiders, but my sibling and I confirm to each other that all is very un-well here.

My syndrome presents mostly as being avoidant, isolated, and major issues coping with people -- especially those who represent some form of "authority" .. hence the issues I have with finances, health and employers. Basically every foundational aspect of life. Also: anxiety and depression, and for several months after losing my home, had panic attacks.

Okay! That's about enough for now, thanks everyone for being here

I am the adult daughter of 2 narcissist parents. I knew codependency was an issue since my late 20s and only became aware of the narcissism a few months ago now in my mid-40s. I suspect the mother also has some other personality disorder, maybe borderline.

I lost my home and then my job 10 days later (events unrelated) ... 6 months ago.
I was forced to move back with my parents because I had nowhere else to go.

I have been in a state of emotional paralysis for the past 4 months, after 2 months of panic attacks (resulting from a narcissist landlord, the reason I had to leave my home).
I am close to running out of money, and yet I'm so "frozen" that I have made little progress. Being around my parents at this stage of my life is really rough.

Does anyone else have experience with this? I've heard of a fight, flight or freeze response, and I suspect that after too many years of fight/flight, I am now frozen because I just can't take anymore trauma or drama in my life. I have been unable to take the normal actions that normal people take to move their life to the next level.

My foundation was already broken being raised by 2 narcissists, and the on/off unemployment & homelessness is just more stress than I can take. I was homeless for 2 years starting 5 years ago when my parents refused to help me & 'taught me a lesson' letting me get evicted. This was only 1.5 yrs after being in the hospital for a life-threatening autoimmune disorder.

How to get out of this emotional state and be able to move forward??? Where do I get the motivation?
Thanks