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I have been logged in for the last 3 hours, scrolling up and down the pages, glimpsing over a few of the posts, reading bits and pieces, Trying to sort out... I don't even know what.
I have so many thoughts that I feel my head isn't big enough to contain them all. I don't even know where to begin getting some out, and writing this now is just making it even more confusing as to what is going on up there. I don't even know if I'm making sense?
I had therapy on Wednesday and it didn't go too well. I said about 20 words. I was ok when I walked in, but closed up very shortly after. My throat became tight, chest was sore, stomach in knots, head was shooting in pain, shoulders nearly too heavy to sit upright. No matter what she said I just couldn't free myself. She tried and tried like many times before but got nothing. The more she tried the more guilty I felt. I was so angry and upset with myself that I just didn't know what to do, so I went to nowhere. I feel so guilty that she feels as though she isn't helping me and I know it's my fault. She has spent a couple of years gaining my trust and we have a good therapeutic relationship but more times than not I am a closed book, and occasionally I'm so shut that it hurts in a big way.
I'm writing so much here and I apologise for anyone reading this. I don't ever really let myself talk this much about me so I'm really sorry if you have read this far.
I am so embarrassed and ashamed about goin back next week. I feel I have let her down hugely. I remember her asking me if I have anything to say about the situation (her not being of much use of help, she was being really honest and I appreciated that) and I just said no, and I knew I should have said more but I really couldn't get anything more out. She said I have a lot of thinking to do, she went over again all the things we've been trough before, that I'm standing in a fork and have a Choice to make etc etc. I just don't know if I have it in me to continue. I Know where it will lead me if I don't. But I'm less afraid of that. I'm so terrified. Terrified of losing control, that I'm losing even more of myself in the process of trying to hold on to the control I have now. I don't know if I'm making sense. I just can't seem to find my way. I'm so hurt. I'm usually very numb, but I've been feeling a lot and I think I know some of why that's happening, but at the same time don't allow myself to go there. I'm so afraid of being vulnerable and feeling, but feeling overwhelmed at the same time anyway without even going there, if that makes sense?
I don't even know what I'm trying to achieve by writing this. Theres just a lot going on and I don't know what I want to do with myself. I'm torn in every direction about everything.
Does anyone that has read this far.. Relate to any of this? I don't know.

So... As my subject stated, this is my first post here.
I've been thinking for the last 6 hours whether I should post anything or not. I have been reading through many posts here for those 6 hours and I just couldn't stop reading, I can't believe I hadn't found this website sooner! It's like a treasure chest, filled with acceptance and understanding. I just am shocked to see how much of what I thought I was crazy for or that NOONE would understand or go through is actually quite common!
My therapist suggested to me last week that I (if feeling up to it) did some reading on CPTSD and so that is how I have stumbled across here.

I don't really know what I want to share here, I'm not one to talk about anything remotely related to me usually (in the real world) so I'm feeling out of my element.

Here goes 
I was sexually abused from a young age by a neighbour, and it later became physical as well. Then at school I was also sexually abused until I was 16 and left school. A couple of months after leaving school I had a bit of a breakdown. I kept the past hidden though but my behaviours ended up with  me hospitalised. I was hospitalised for months and after coming home began my in and out of hospital story for nearly 3 years. I have broken that cycle and haven't been to hospital for nearly 3 years. I have been in therapy for 5 years now and 3 years a go I was lucky enough to have one that I was able to tell a little to. My brother was then diagnosed with cancer and my trauma therapy was put on hold due to too much stress and I was at high risk. But I am now "ready" to get back into it. It has been a constant battle for me to keep up with therapy, I have "quit" numerous times but my T has been very patient with me and understanding and continues to have the same conversations with me over and over again, the same arguments and counteracts the same doubts and apprehensions (each time a little tougher though I might add)

I think I am finally ready to make a decision to fully try and make progress. I'm not happy with where I am in my life and I know it's time for change. But I am so scared about revisitng things I have pushed away and buried so deep. Also about revisiting things I have forgotten and I am so ashamed and embarrassed when I "slip back" in therapy and relive the past.
Do other people here struggle with continuing therapy? I am constantly having a debate in my mind about not being worthy of help, feeling guilty for not being better by now, terrified of change, or thinking I will never recover so what's the point? Or don't waste people's time, you've been in some kind of therapy for 5 years now.
If there are others that struggle with this,  have you overcome it? Or do you think you will be able to?