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I have been an anxious, cranky mess since moving back home. It's only temporary but still. My parents are just so negative. Nothing is good enough for my F. I noticed I feel very insecure now and I didn't when I was at school. Perhaps it's because they're always pointing out everything we don't have, without doing anything to fix it. I have developed an irrational fear that my bf is going to leave me because I've been anxious and cranky lately. I know it's irrational but I just can't shake it. He has said nothing to make me feel this way, this is all me. He keeps reassuring me that this will pass and I've just cracked after being under so much stress for so long without any sort of break or vacation. He has even agreed to a beach getaway with me, so like I said this is super irrational. I've been having trouble sleeping too with constant nightmares...I feel like a helpless teenager again and it's so difficult seeing my friends on social media going on elaborate vacations and I'm stuck at home with my negative FOO. I just hate being in a place where displaying distress is taken as a personal attack, I'm not allowed to have a bad day and am expected to be happy 24/7 and if I'm not then I'm ungrateful. I guess it's just harder going back now that I've had my freedom for so long...if you made it this far, thank you for listening to me vent

I guess you could say I'm a people pleaser, it's a symptom I've been fighting. When someone doesn't like me, I obsess over them. In my childhood, I would try so hard to get people who clearly did not like me to be my friend. Obviously, that never ended well. It usually lead me to get bullied and then wonder why everyone hated me. I don't do that anymore. Now, if someone doesn't like me, I just sit around and wonder why. It bothers me so much. I also don't handle it well when friendships don't work out, more specifically when their mental illness gets the best of them. I feel like I've lost one too many friends this way in my young adult years already and it makes me really sad.

*****Tw!! I'm going to go into detail about sexual/emotional abuse in this post!!****


With my ex, he never did anything explicit like pinning me down and forcing me to do anything. He would pressure me in a sense, by rewarding me with love and attention if I did what he wanted, and being cold and insulting if I didn't. So he claimed to be great with constent and taking no for an answer but he really wasn't. He made me believe there was something physically wrong with me because sex always hurt, but now I know I just never truly wanted to because with my new partner I have no problems.

I just don't like to think I was ever sexually abused but my mind keeps coming back to it. I'm having trouble finding anything about it online, they all say stuff about incest or rape which is not what this is. Because technically I did consent even though I truly didn't want to. Like, in the end of our relationship, the only time he was nice to me and made me feel valued was when he was between me legs. He would also constantly belittle me for not wanting to do oral  but I would try to make him happy but he would only insult me the whole time so it made it even worst.

Now with my new partner I don't want to do it at all and he's ok with that. Doesn't even bring it up at all, just says if I ever change my mind we can try it but if not that's perfectly fine. Just the thought of it repulses me now, I just get flashbacks to my ex pressuring me. Also, anything that we just for my pleasure and that he got nothing out of he treated as boring and annoying. Was that sexual abuse, or emotional abuse that carried over into the bedroom, or both?? 

I have this relatively new partner, and he is so amazing, so sweet. He has never been abused so I try to avoid talking about my past traumas I just feel like it's IMPOSSIBLE to not talk about it when it's basically always running in the back of my mind. He swears up and down that me talking about it doesn't bother him and he doesn't mind it if it helps me to get it out of my system, I just don't want to over burden him. I have a therapist, and I get all of my darkest thoughts out there, but still. I don't want him to feel drained by me, I've been on the receiving end of these things many times and it's not fun. I hate that this happened, I just wanna go back in time and fix everything so that I wouldn't have this today. But I do and I want him to know what's going on with me but also don't want to have our time together be too negative. Ugh! Help 

I feel like a soda bottle with a closed lid that someone shook and I just can't open the cap. It's like there's something blocking me from expressing or feeling my emotions and it's so frustrated. I used to get so uncomfortable when people would cry around me but now I just feel jealous that they can let out their emotions so easily. I'm just mad at the world and I hate this, I feel like I have no control over my life I want to move out but I'm still a student and cannot afford rent yet. It's like I'm an adult but still a glorified teenager. I just want to be able to heal fully but I can't do that when I'm constantly with my FOO. When my friends get excited to go home for breaks I just can't relate. i just want to feel my feelings I want to be a happy adult, and I hate the thought of having to wait a year or more. And I'm also angry that so many mental health professionals didn't notice that my ex was gaslighting me. He drove me so crazy I was nearly hospitalized. He made me believe I was crazy and they went along with it!! The second we broke up I felt more sane than I had in a long time. I'm angry I have to live with my FOO, angry I can't seem to find a good therapist, mad at the world in general, and I just don't know what to do with all this anger!! I want to cry it all out!! And I always feel guilty when I rant to my partner because I know he doesn't know what to say and he has such a big heart and I need therapy and I don't always want to dump negativity on him because he didn't make this mess so he shouldn't have to clean it. But hey, you guys listen and I'm so greatful this site exists!! See I feel guilty about being negative so now I'm ending this post with something positive!! And that's what this site is for!!! Expressing feelings!!  UGH!!!! 

Learning to feel my emotions has been so hard, but so worth it! I feel like I'm so hard on myself for feeling negative emotions. I guess lately what I've been struggling with is figuring out what is irrational and what is a feeling most would feel. After being gaslit for so many years and being made to feel like I'm crazy it's so freeing to realize that my feelings have a purpose, negative feelings tell me that something is wrong and I need to listen to it. Also, after spending so much of my life miserable beyond belief, I'm so scared of being miserable for the rest of my life like my mom was so I've been thinking 10 years ahead and I'm aware most don't do that. I'm just having trouble telling what is rational and what isn't and what I should worry about and what I shouldn't, you know?

I don't cry easily, and I get really uncomfortable when other people cry, I just don't know what to do. I try to be comforting but in my mind I hope they'll stop because I feel that uncomfortable by it.  Also I hate it when people see me cry, I feel uncomfortable and I have shooed people away because I can't calm myself down unless I'm alone. I don't even know what's normal, I wish I could just let it all out like other people can you know?

I never know what to say to people when they say "oh but why don't you live at home for a few more years and save money what's the rush?" You all know damn well what the rush is. For my own health and safety living at home is not a good option. Yes, I will have less money but to me a peace of mind knowing I'm safer in my own little place is priceless. I always feel like I never wanna talk about the real reason I'm so antsy to leave and it makes me feel awkward and like I dont know what to say and I feel like they see me as...well I'm not even sure how to put it into words...spoiled..? Foolish..? I don't even know

I live in the states, and everyone within a reasonable driving distance that specializes in trauma is not taking new patients, or never even bothered to call back. This site is helpful for sure but I know I need actual therapy. I want to be a good parent someday, and I also want to make sure I don't take my frustrations out on my partner or be too negative and drag them down with me. This is MY battle, not his. I'm almost completely moved out and I'm ready to begin healing but I can't seem to find anyone to help me. I HATE my insurance I hate that my F put me in this position where we have a low income and therefore don't have access to many good doctors. I feel like help is just out of reach. My partner has been reassuring me that I'm trying my best but it still makes me wanna throw my phone out the window every time the calls go to voicemail or I get a voicemail saying they're sorry but they're full. I have a few more years until I graduate and get better insurance but until then I'm stuck. I'm so sick of the health problems this has caused, I'm just sick of being sick!! I don't want to be sick anymore I'm tired of self pity I want to just move on. I've lost so many years I'll never get back and I don't want to lose any more.

Just found out that my little sister who is much younger than me (we don't live together) has PTSD as well. I have been through so much over the years but I would always look at her sweet little face and would always hope that nothing bad would ever happen to her. She lives kinda far so I know there isn't much I can do. I just feel so sad... I never wanted her to experience this...sure it's not from abuse (that I know of anyways...we all know no one knows what goes on behind closed doors..) but still it's an awful thing to have to go through. I told her I love her and that I'll always answer the phone no matter what time of day but I don't know if she'll actually call, she's at the stubborn teenager age. I'm just so sad, I never wanted this for her and I dont like seeing her in pain like this.

Can anyone else relate to always feeling like you have to be perfect all the time? I've noticed lately that even though I am out of my toxic environment, I still tend to take on far more responsibility than I can handle. Part of me thinks it's because growing up I was functioning while being incredibly stressed all the time and it's all I've ever known. Also, I and I'm sure everyone like me would be brutally punished for making a simple mistake of a typical child. I would try to be as perfect as possible to avoid it but in time I learned that I could never be perfect enough for my FOO. I don't want to be like this, I'm so stressed and it's not healthy at all. I just don't know what to do. I'm in therapy but I feel like I need so much more help than I'm getting and it's frustrating. Sorry if that was all over the place.

Recently I found myself in a situation anyone else would have not been so calm in. Basically, there was a situation where my health was at risk due to the conditions I had been forced to live in. I took it up with the proper authories but doing so made me so anxious. I kept feeling like I was overreacting or like they would hate me for speaking up. All of my neighbors had said if their place looked the way mine did when moving in, they would not have been anywhere near as nice as I was. I have improved so much over the years with asserting myself but I still find it hard when thrown into situations such as this 

I am currently in the process of accepting, learning and healing from the fact that a few months ago I got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. The thought of dating again anytime soon repluses me. I hate the thought that I was so controlled, that I really believed that I was crazy. Recently I met someone who I thought I liked at first but then came to the conclusion that he's probably not in the mindset to be dating anyone. On our date, he spent far too much time saying how he only attracts crazy women and also putting himself down and it made me uncomfortable. I stopped talking to him and I feel guilty about it. I know I shouldn't and that people do it all the time but I dont know. Plus like I said, the thought of a relationship right now repulses me. I just want to live my life and not have to worry about another person and what they might think of everything I do. Why do I feel guilty???

So, like many here I've been abused my whole life. The thought that I could then find myself in an abusive relationship after I promised myself  to run for the hills if that ever happened makes me feel...I dont even know. My ex did things that were so subtle such as making me feel like nothing I could ever do would be good enough, making jokes that were hurtful then calling me too sensitive (never infront of others), making me feel like I was the problem and was alwyas being called too negative (though my friends never once said I was negative or depressing) and overall just making me feel like I was crazy. What baffled me is he knew exactly who I was when we started dating, but yet hated me for all those things in the end. He blamed his sh** behaviors on his depression and childhood but that doesn't excuse how awful he made me feel. Then he was charming again during the breakup talk, which was mutual but he said everything that I had wanted to hear because he always knows just what to say when it counts. I'm trying to process all this but it's hard. If it was abuse it's certainly not the type I'm used to, I'm used to clear cut verbal/emotional/physical. This was so subtle, I'm not sure what to call it. Abusive is a harsh label to throw at someone you know? 

After things got ugly over Christmas, my dad came to the realization that if he didn't change then he faced never having a relationship with his only child. Since then, things have been better than they've ever been. With that being said, things aren't perfect, and he's still the man that abused us all these years. Lately he's been nice to me and trying to talk to me and establish some sort of relationship but it's hard. I feel like I'll never truely trust him, not when I know how fast his personality can shift into a monster. I just feel guilty, like I shouldn't be so cold when he talks to me you know? I just don't know how or even if I should bother. 

The semester is ending and I have to go back home for the summer. I dont want to go in the slightest. My dad is abusive and my mom is neurotic. It is such a toxic environment but I have no where else to go...I can't afford to stay at college for the summer it would be stupidly expensive as would anywhere else. I feel like a child who has no control over where I go. My bf keeps saying I need to stop being so negative but I dont know how not to be when I know that in 24 hours I'll be stuck living there for three months. I feel like it's even worst now because after being away from my parents house for a few months I have begun to see just how toxic the environment is. And now I'm forced to go back. I'm gonna try and stay as busy as possible but still.

To high school Kendra (not my real name),
I'm so sorry. You don't deserve to feel worthless. I wish you could look in the mirror and see how truely beautiful you are. Also, stop denying you're in love with your best friend. You'll regret that someday. I'm sorry you go home to chaos everyday. You don't deserve the way he talks to you and your mom. You should be spending these years being carefree but instead you spend too much time alone in your room. You should be going on adventures, you should be taking risks and living life to the fullest. I'm sorry you get taken advantage of so often, I wish you had the courage to speak how you truely feel. I can't turn back time, I can't heal you, but I can live life now to the fullest. I promise you someday will come. Someday you'll wake up and roll over to see the love of your life laying next to you. Things won't be perfect, but they'll be so much easier. You'll quit that stupid job with your cruel bosses and work your dream job. You deserve to be happy, and you will be. I promise to live my life to the fullest from now on because you couldn't. Because I can and I will.
Love,
Kendra, a few years later

For the past month I have been away from my FOO and in a dorm and I have been doing GREAT. It's actually amazing how many of my health problems have vanished now that I am not so stressed all the time. The thought of going home for the summer has been haunting me and I've been looking for local apartments, but something in the back of my mind I feel guilty. I know I shouldn't and that I'm an adult and deserve to be happy and healthy but there's just that lingering guilt of abandoning my FOO you know?

All moved in! For those who read my last post, I have decided not to tell my roommates about my CPTSD for now. I met the family of one of the roommates and witnessed a happy, healthy family. I was so taken aback. The four of each other interacted so nicely and lovingly with each other. Meanwhile my dad came to move me in after I told my family over and over I did NOT want him to come. He did nothing but create tension and it wasn't long before I was shooing my parents out the door. Luckily no one was around to see the dysfunction/ Another thing I noticed is I fall asleep so much faster here!

I've noticed in my day to day life and sometimes even on here people tend to make a hierarchy or abuse. Why do that? I mean, at the end of the day maybe the different types of abuse leads to different triggers but most of us experience similar symptoms regardless of what lead us here. This is what I've been thinking about lately, would love to hear others thoughts on the matter.