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Topics - LittleBirdy

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Anxiety (eg General, Social, Panic Attacks) / Back with my FOO
« on: May 30, 2019, 02:40:05 AM »
I have been an anxious, cranky mess since moving back home. Itís only temporary but still. My parents are just so negative. Nothing is good enough for my F. I noticed I feel very insecure now and I didnít when I was at school. Perhaps itís because theyíre always pointing out everything we donít have, without doing anything to fix it. I have developed an irrational fear that my bf is going to leave me because Iíve been anxious and cranky lately. I know itís irrational but I just canít shake it. He has said nothing to make me feel this way, this is all me. He keeps reassuring me that this will pass and Iíve just cracked after being under so much stress for so long without any sort of break or vacation. He has even agreed to a beach getaway with me, so like I said this is super irrational. Iíve been having trouble sleeping too with constant nightmares...I feel like a helpless teenager again and itís so difficult seeing my friends on social media going on elaborate vacations and Iím stuck at home with my negative FOO. I just hate being in a place where displaying distress is taken as a personal attack, Iím not allowed to have a bad day and am expected to be happy 24/7 and if Iím not then Iím ungrateful. I guess itís just harder going back now that Iíve had my freedom for so long...if you made it this far, thank you for listening to me vent :)

I guess you could say I'm a people pleaser, it's a symptom I've been fighting. When someone doesn't like me, I obsess over them. In my childhood, I would try so hard to get people who clearly did not like me to be my friend. Obviously, that never ended well. It usually lead me to get bullied and then wonder why everyone hated me. I don't do that anymore. Now, if someone doesn't like me, I just sit around and wonder why. It bothers me so much. I also don't handle it well when friendships don't work out, more specifically when their mental illness gets the best of them. I feel like I've lost one too many friends this way in my young adult years already and it makes me really sad.

*****Tw!! Iím going to go into detail about sexual/emotional abuse in this post!!****

With my ex, he never did anything explicit like pinning me down and forcing me to do anything. He would pressure me in a sense, by rewarding me with love and attention if I did what he wanted, and being cold and insulting if I didnít. So he claimed to be great with constent and taking no for an answer but he really wasnít. He made me believe there was something physically wrong with me because sex always hurt, but now I know I just never truly wanted to because with my new partner I have no problems.

I just donít like to think I was ever sexually abused but my mind keeps coming back to it. Iím having trouble finding anything about it online, they all say stuff about incest or rape which is not what this is. Because technically I did consent even though I truly didnít want to. Like, in the end of our relationship, the only time he was nice to me and made me feel valued was when he was between me legs. He would also constantly belittle me for not wanting to do oral  but I would try to make him happy but he would only insult me the whole time so it made it even worst.

Now with my new partner I donít want to do it at all and heís ok with that. Doesnít even bring it up at all, just says if I ever change my mind we can try it but if not thatís perfectly fine. Just the thought of it repulses me now, I just get flashbacks to my ex pressuring me. Also, anything that we just for my pleasure and that he got nothing out of he treated as boring and annoying. Was that sexual abuse, or emotional abuse that carried over into the bedroom, or both??  :stars:

Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Over sharing?
« on: February 14, 2019, 04:45:22 AM »
I have this relatively new partner, and he is so amazing, so sweet. He has never been abused so I try to avoid talking about my past traumas I just feel like itís IMPOSSIBLE to not talk about it when itís basically always running in the back of my mind. He swears up and down that me talking about it doesnít bother him and he doesnít mind it if it helps me to get it out of my system, I just donít want to over burden him. I have a therapist, and I get all of my darkest thoughts out there, but still. I donít want him to feel drained by me, Iíve been on the receiving end of these things many times and itís not fun. I hate that this happened, I just wanna go back in time and fix everything so that I wouldnít have this today. But I do and I want him to know whatís going on with me but also donít want to have our time together be too negative. Ugh! Help  :fallingbricks:

I feel like a soda bottle with a closed lid that someone shook and I just canít open the cap. Itís like thereís something blocking me from expressing or feeling my emotions and itís so frustrated. I used to get so uncomfortable when people would cry around me but now I just feel jealous that they can let out their emotions so easily. Iím just mad at the world and I hate this, I feel like I have no control over my life I want to move out but Iím still a student and cannot afford rent yet. Itís like Iím an adult but still a glorified teenager. I just want to be able to heal fully but I canít do that when Iím constantly with my FOO. When my friends get excited to go home for breaks I just canít relate. i just want to feel my feelings I want to be a happy adult, and I hate the thought of having to wait a year or more. And Iím also angry that so many mental health professionals didnít notice that my ex was gaslighting me. He drove me so crazy I was nearly hospitalized. He made me believe I was crazy and they went along with it!! The second we broke up I felt more sane than I had in a long time. Iím angry I have to live with my FOO, angry I canít seem to find a good therapist, mad at the world in general, and I just donít know what to do with all this anger!! I want to cry it all out!! And I always feel guilty when I rant to my partner because I know he doesnít know what to say and he has such a big heart and I need therapy and I donít always want to dump negativity on him because he didnít make this mess so he shouldnít have to clean it. But hey, you guys listen and Iím so greatful this site exists!! See I feel guilty about being negative so now Iím ending this post with something positive!! And thatís what this site is for!!! Expressing feelings!!  UGH!!!!  :pissed:

Emotional Abuse / Trying to understand emotions after gaslighting..?
« on: January 02, 2019, 07:31:46 AM »
Learning to feel my emotions has been so hard, but so worth it! I feel like Iím so hard on myself for feeling negative emotions. I guess lately what Iíve been struggling with is figuring out what is irrational and what is a feeling most would feel. After being gaslit for so many years and being made to feel like Iím crazy itís so freeing to realize that my feelings have a purpose, negative feelings tell me that something is wrong and I need to listen to it. Also, after spending so much of my life miserable beyond belief, Iím so scared of being miserable for the rest of my life like my mom was so Iíve been thinking 10 years ahead and Iím aware most donít do that. Iím just having trouble telling what is rational and what isnít and what I should worry about and what I shouldnít, you know?

Emotional Abuse / Trouble with crying?
« on: December 01, 2018, 04:43:43 AM »
I donít cry easily, and I get really uncomfortable when other people cry, I just donít know what to do. I try to be comforting but in my mind I hope theyíll stop because I feel that uncomfortable by it.  Also I hate it when people see me cry, I feel uncomfortable and I have shooed people away because I canít calm myself down unless Iím alone. I donít even know whatís normal, I wish I could just let it all out like other people can you know?

Christmas & New Years / December is tomorrow...😰
« on: December 01, 2018, 04:34:11 AM »
Something really bad happened on Christmas last year, now I HATE christmas and itís everywhere. And I hate the thought that Christmas has to happen again. December is tomorrow and Iím already stressed...why does the most wonderful time of the year have to be so awful?? He ruined the season for me and I hate it

I never know what to say to people when they say ďoh but why donít you live at home for a few more years and save money whatís the rush?Ē You all know damn well what the rush is. For my own health and safety living at home is not a good option. Yes, I will have less money but to me a peace of mind knowing Iím safer in my own little place is priceless. I always feel like I never wanna talk about the real reason Iím so antsy to leave and it makes me feel awkward and like I dont know what to say and I feel like they see me as...well Iím not even sure how to put it into words...spoiled..? Foolish..? I donít even know

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Feel like help is just out of reach...
« on: December 01, 2018, 04:24:34 AM »
I live in the states, and everyone within a reasonable driving distance that specializes in trauma is not taking new patients, or never even bothered to call back. This site is helpful for sure but I know I need actual therapy. I want to be a good parent someday, and I also want to make sure I donít take my frustrations out on my partner or be too negative and drag them down with me. This is MY battle, not his. Iím almost completely moved out and Iím ready to begin healing but I canít seem to find anyone to help me. I HATE my insurance I hate that my F put me in this position where we have a low income and therefore donít have access to many good doctors. I feel like help is just out of reach. My partner has been reassuring me that Iím trying my best but it still makes me wanna throw my phone out the window every time the calls go to voicemail or I get a voicemail saying theyíre sorry but theyíre full. I have a few more years until I graduate and get better insurance but until then Iím stuck. Iím so sick of the health problems this has caused, Iím just sick of being sick!! I donít want to be sick anymore Iím tired of self pity I want to just move on. Iíve lost so many years Iíll never get back and I donít want to lose any more.

General Discussion / Heartbroken...
« on: December 01, 2018, 04:05:24 AM »
Just found out that my little sister who is much younger than me (we donít live together) has PTSD as well. I have been through so much over the years but I would always look at her sweet little face and would always hope that nothing bad would ever happen to her. She lives kinda far so I know there isnít much I can do. I just feel so sad... I never wanted her to experience this...sure itís not from abuse (that I know of anyways...we all know no one knows what goes on behind closed doors..) but still itís an awful thing to have to go through. I told her I love her and that Iíll always answer the phone no matter what time of day but I donít know if sheíll actually call, sheís at the stubborn teenager age. Iím just so sad, I never wanted this for her and I dont like seeing her in pain like this.

General Discussion / Perfectionism is destroying me
« on: September 25, 2018, 04:54:33 PM »
Can anyone else relate to always feeling like you have to be perfect all the time? Iíve noticed lately that even though I am out of my toxic environment, I still tend to take on far more responsibility than I can handle. Part of me thinks itís because growing up I was functioning while being incredibly stressed all the time and itís all Iíve ever known. Also, I and Iím sure everyone like me would be brutally punished for making a simple mistake of a typical child. I would try to be as perfect as possible to avoid it but in time I learned that I could never be perfect enough for my FOO. I donít want to be like this, Iím so stressed and itís not healthy at all. I just donít know what to do. Iím in therapy but I feel like I need so much more help than Iím getting and itís frustrating. Sorry if that was all over the place.

Emotional Abuse / Being assertive = intense anxiety
« on: September 01, 2018, 02:55:32 AM »
Recently I found myself in a situation anyone else would have not been so calm in. Basically, there was a situation where my health was at risk due to the conditions I had been forced to live in. I took it up with the proper authories but doing so made me so anxious. I kept feeling like I was overreacting or like they would hate me for speaking up. All of my neighbors had said if their place looked the way mine did when moving in, they would not have been anywhere near as nice as I was. I have improved so much over the years with asserting myself but I still find it hard when thrown into situations such as this  :spooked:

I am currently in the process of accepting, learning and healing from the fact that a few months ago I got out of an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. The thought of dating again anytime soon repluses me. I hate the thought that I was so controlled, that I really believed that I was crazy. Recently I met someone who I thought I liked at first but then came to the conclusion that heís probably not in the mindset to be dating anyone. On our date, he spent far too much time saying how he only attracts crazy women and also putting himself down and it made me uncomfortable. I stopped talking to him and I feel guilty about it. I know I shouldnít and that people do it all the time but I dont know. Plus like I said, the thought of a relationship right now repulses me. I just want to live my life and not have to worry about another person and what they might think of everything I do. Why do I feel guilty???

So, like many here Iíve been abused my whole life. The thought that I could then find myself in an abusive relationship after I promised myself  to run for the hills if that ever happened makes me feel...I dont even know. My ex did things that were so subtle such as making me feel like nothing I could ever do would be good enough, making jokes that were hurtful then calling me too sensitive (never infront of others), making me feel like I was the problem and was alwyas being called too negative (though my friends never once said I was negative or depressing) and overall just making me feel like I was crazy. What baffled me is he knew exactly who I was when we started dating, but yet hated me for all those things in the end. He blamed his sh** behaviors on his depression and childhood but that doesnít excuse how awful he made me feel. Then he was charming again during the breakup talk, which was mutual but he said everything that I had wanted to hear because he always knows just what to say when it counts. Iím trying to process all this but itís hard. If it was abuse itís certainly not the type Iím used to, Iím used to clear cut verbal/emotional/physical. This was so subtle, Iím not sure what to call it. Abusive is a harsh label to throw at someone you know?  ???

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