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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

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Sleep Issues / Re accruing dream continues...
« on: September 05, 2019, 02:03:38 PM »
Gee I get so bored on the re accruing dream...
I go back to the foo house... My m is there... Have to say though there is progress in the dream as it used to be I would be looking at her through the windows but petrified she would she me. Now my adult self has a f 2 f conversation.. I'm polite but don't let my boundaries go and she is self absorbed...
If it ever happens in real life I feel she would pretend to care but I know the truth behind that.
Bless her
I would like the dream to stop its been yrs now...

Can't seem to calm these days... Ongoing flashback?
Started with contact with my f and me telling him I've been referred to cfs clinic.. His response 'hope its not serious and then continued to talk about his holiday..
This isnt an unusual response for him but it really affected me.
I'm developing a calm down box so I'm pleased about that and it will be a good aid and comfort for me..

Family of Origin (FOO) / A deeper understanding of npd
« on: June 29, 2019, 07:47:35 PM »
Hi I'd like to become more knowledgeable about npd. Specifically how a person operates inside with this disorder, how they view the world and what makes them tick.
This past 2 yrs esp as I've been going through tougher times (thankfully stable and well currently) it has become so so obvious my f fits npd. Gee 2 pd parents.... Nice.
I'm lc with f nc with m.
I've got a surface understanding of npd but would like to read research papers, books and websites that show the disorder in a deeper way.
Any help. Appreciated

General Discussion / Annual gratitude time
« on: June 29, 2019, 06:31:53 PM »
Each year I like to write a post to express my deep gratitude for this forum and everyone here..
I've been a member for some years now and it blows me away how much I've grown despite some really difficult periods..
Everyone here has really helped me this last year to feel held, safe and sane when I feel anything but...
The admins do such a wonderful job and Kizzie is a super star in my eyes.
I never realised before I started using out of the storm just how a forum could benefit me and I help others. I always recommend forums now to people and how much I value this space.
So sending all my best wishes to everyone here and creating this place that feels like home.

General Discussion / Emotional swings....
« on: June 19, 2019, 09:06:31 PM »
Sometimes I think to myself do I have bi polar 2.. Two  weeks ago  I was on top of the world everything was rosy... Elevated in emotion.. Wanting to socialise ++ this week its like I'm a different person.. Low mood and motivation, hate my life, bleak Outlook feeling lonely.. Etc.

It does seem my circumstances dictate ie I was away and now I'm home and a bit lost. Its just my emotional life seems so extreme.. Maybe it's just normal maybe I'm reading into it too much? I wonder how normal people experience emotion.
Maybe it's I get scared when I feel. Dispondent

General Discussion / CAT therapy
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:18:24 PM »
So after assessment with the psychologist we have agreed that CAT therapy (cognitive analytical therapy) is the option I am going to take to work on the relational stuff. She explained that the model used is looking at how I was related to as a child and then working with the current difficulties to promote change.
I feel v grateful to have this offered to me and it def feels right for  the next bit of my recovery journey...
I so want some further recovery in who I am pulled to have a friendship with and to be able to develop relationships with healthier people, people who have the capacity to care about me as I care about them..
I so want to be more connected with people in my life on a closer level..

Employment / What's jobs/career is good for cptsd people?
« on: June 18, 2019, 07:14:59 PM »
I wanted to gleen if there are some of us that have work that suits our needs and isn't too triggering on our nervous systems...

Friends / Let go of a long term 'friend' today
« on: June 16, 2019, 07:39:37 PM »
We've been 'friends since I was 16 - 30yrs ago.. She dumped me when I was 23 for smiling the wrong way and we re connected in my early 30s. Most of our relating has been via whats app text. The last couple times I've been to stay with her have been difficult... I'm not the young girl I was and won't be controlled...
It had become more and more apparent that this person is cold, controlling, lacking empathy and at points unkind..
A situation arose where I didn't do what she wanted me to do and the whole thing blew up... I offered 2 olive branches and she said she won't change how she feels and won't talk about it but would be happy to continue a friendship via text whats app and put it behind her.
That wasn't adequate for me and if there was a string of a chance of this relationship surviving I would need to be able to stand up and speak my truth.. Being stonewalled was not something I am willing to live with.
So today after speaking with others I've deleted all mail and contact details and decided enough is enough... I deserve better..

For me now it's keeping in the positive... This is a good sign in my recovery to put my needs as important..
My default is easily to go into self beating... What is wrong with me... Why am I so defective... Will I ever make healthy friends blah blah... How come she gets to be around so many people and I'm pretty alone... I don't want to attract emotionally unavailable people anymore who don't really care... I care about me
But I know that I'm growing and I must stand in the belief that healthy friendships will come my way as I recover.... Why not now... It is possible..

General Discussion / Fed up with myself
« on: June 04, 2019, 09:47:05 PM »
Feeling so much frustration today around my inconsistency with daily actions /self care and building good things..
I make lists, get clear, set goals, speak. To others and yet bam I always end up back to square one. This is happening in my life with over spending, exercise and doing art..
I'm either all. Or. Nothing and I'm really really trying to get more balance..
It's like I'm on it (in a more balanced way which is progress or I'm off it. When I'm off doing the actions that help me achieve the things I want to I don't even rember I'm off...

Grrrrrrr so frustrated with myself

Friends / What is a friend?
« on: May 22, 2019, 08:57:42 PM »
This is a shout out to ask peoples views on 'what is a friend? I know it's easy to have a text book version and an idealistic version but a real terms explanation is what I'm looking for.
Lately I am waking up as I get more recovery from an eating disorder I'm starting to gain a wholer sense of who I am, my worth and value.. I've long felt there is so much wrong with me and that's why I don't have many close people. Now I starting to think that there isn't So much wrong with me it's the people I have chosen..
I'm surrounded by narcs and dysfunction.
I'm starting to get a glimmer of 'I could actually have friends who aren't messed up! What a joy that would be!
💜 Bye bye dysfunctional personalities hello healthy people...
I'm healing! I deserve to be loved!

Friends / The friends dilemma
« on: May 15, 2019, 03:44:30 PM »
OK I'm. Going through the 'what's wrong with me phase'..
I want closer connections with people I don't feel like I'm not open or willing or trying to get this because I am...
I know a lot of people but when I shut the front door it's just me...
It's like I feel I'm. Always doing the work with people and then they agree... Do I come across as too independent, are people intimidated by me.... I just don't know I wish I could see myself as others do...
I guess like anyone some will like me some won't....
I so want a friend or two to be closer to and be in each others lives.....
Fed up of this situation that goes round and round on a loop for me

Therapy / Emdr not clinically indicated for cptsd?
« on: May 11, 2019, 09:03:30 AM »
Hi I'm interested in emdr as a treatment for myself...
The psychiatrist said that it is not clinically proven as effective for cptsd..
I have however via this forum heard many talk of its helpfulness...
Does anyone have any research to back this up?

Hi all
I'm really seeing more clearly the cycle that happens for me when I get triggered and go into EF..
I clearly go into flight and perfectionism and don't need as much sleep (average 6 hrs a night). I then come out of EF and am exhausted and sleep ++ and don't attend to my daily things in the same way.. I then come out of that into 'normal land' which feels great. I'm in normal land at the mo..
I have an assessment with psychologist next wk and really want to work on the flight and perfectionism to try and not be so driven and gain better sleep to then minimise the chances of crashing and being out for the count for days...
Can people relate to this cycle? Have u found ways to create more balance.?
Id be grateful to hear....

Poetry & Creative Writing / Trying to gain
« on: May 08, 2019, 09:46:43 AM »
I'm trying to gain, to gain togetherness
In a world created by love, by exclusion by.. who am I?
I'm working to gain togetherness. From the hand that didn't feed, to the world of bars and pretty lights and I ask take me now to the land of hope to safety shores.
I'm here. I feel my breath its rapid succession tells me I'm here.
I hope and try to calm my edge of worry for all things live in love if allowed to touch that beauty.
I'm trying to gain but not in the past ways more allowance of what is and allowing the creative light to shine.
Be still my beating heart, let color saturate your world and take u on magical journeys of jade green hues and bright wowing  pinks.
As I find myself more fully and say I know who I am may the others come towards me and say with smiling lips through actions chosen....
Together we gain in the universes great light. Together we gain
Together we gain

United Kingdom / Bristol - South West resources
« on: April 24, 2019, 09:04:07 AM »
Last year I found this wonderful charity called the Southmead Project. At the time I had prev completed  the IAPT NHS trauma informed 12 wks offering (cbt based) and wasnt being taken on by secondary services so was at a loss.
Finding Southmead was a breathe of fresh air and a much needed resource.
I was offered an assessment and then was offered a therapist who I saw on a wkly basis for a year. I felt safe with this women and she clearly was well qualified and experienced in trauma work. She didn't re traumatise me in any way but worked mainly with what was going on in the immediate (though of course the past came into it).
We spent many months on regulating the nervous system, emotional stability and grounding techniques. I developed a safe place that I can go to anytime (in my imagination) and working with her on this has really helped me since in times of EF.
We did some time line work and also used art. Then we went on to do some family systems  integration work. Which was working on the fragmented self and how different voices develop in the psychy ie inner critic etc. I also then found my inner nurturer and she is with me today... She is beautiful x

Here is the link for the project
It is also a free service as the project is lottery funded which is incredible as therapy is an expense.

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