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Topics - Boatsetsailrose

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Successes, Progress? / Healing to new horizons - a story of hope
« on: February 06, 2020, 10:08:20 PM »
I would like to post about my story and the journey of  the past 4 yrs. Having trauma therapy and the results that have become apparent over this time  and where I am at now.
I had 1yr trauma which began about 4 yrs ago with a charity in the UK and this was amazingly no cost. The t I worked with was highly skilled and we worked using  varied therapeutic models Inc regulation and stabilisation
Ifs integrated family systems, creative and explorative all overarched by psychotherapy..
I gained deeper awareness about what happened to me in my foo and some good healing occurred. I was at the time having severe flashbacks, was v fragile and had been recently diagnosed by mental health services with cptsd.
I had become suicidal, had severe self hatred, intrusive inner critic and was not functioning too well. This therapy helped me stabilise and gave me a good foundation.
The t at the time really commended me on my inner resources.. How I'd be doing therapeutic work since my early 20s some 20+ yrs previous, how so v resourceful I'd been over my younger life and how much I'd achieved in life despite...

She was v good to work with and leaving the service was hard..
I am thankful for the work I did there and it definately helped me.

At the time I was nursing but not coping too well and over time having more sick time and struggling. I left my career 18mths ago and after a succession of bad mental health spots, serious low mood/anxiety /difficulties sleeping /severe flashbacks and wanting to end my life. I was referred to a  community mental health team. I'd been referred a couple of times prev over the yrs but this time I was taken on and assigned a mental health nurse and a treatment path. Ironically (but not really) I got referred under the same NHS trust I'd been working for..
This team have been truly incredible in fact the support I've received from the NHS over the whole journey of the past 5 yrs has been v good. I know this isn't everyone's story. I did need to fight and become my own advocate in some ways. I look back now and am so grateful that I found out about BPD found a group on fb.. Started piecing together that my m seemed to fit ubpd and then was led here to out of the storm the start of my healing journey.
Under the mental health team where I have been for well over a Yr now I have been meeting wkly, then 2 wkly and now 3 wkly with the mental health nurse. She has been incredibly supportive and good at what she does. We have talked over many many issues inc coping with life and she came to a disability benefits assessment where I got awarded. She has written letters to support things such as getting a bus pass and given supporting evidence where needed. She has treated me with respect and has listening intently to me hour upon hour whilst having a large caseload of patients some of whom are in terrible crisis. We have worked therapeutically with issues as they have come up past and present.
For the past 3 mths I have been having CAT therapy with a clinical psychologist under the same  service which has proved and is proving to be so deeply healing and transformative. I have hit pain in some of the sessions that I didn't know lived so deeply in me.. Releasing and expressing my hurt and anger and coming out to be met with being helped to more fully accept... What happened really wasn't my fault. The CAT model is working with my learnt relational styles and looks in a deep way at how those patterns, attitudes and parts of my personality affect my relating now and I get to go out in the world and make significant changes.
I'm triggered much less and can't actually remember my last flashback (a miracle).
I feel the most integrated I've ever felt so far in my life, my self worth is growing and I'm putting up with less rubbish. I have gone v lc with my 2 family members and I am able to handle any guilt around that.
The biggest thing is I'm finally actually truly starting to like me and it's not attached to other people, work roles or externals. I can feel my worth.

Dont get me wrong life isn't all rosy and my feelings can and most probably will change. Difficult times will come and who knows what support I may need in the future but somehow I am daring to feel my healing. Daring to feel 'I have made some real significant headway at overcoming complex trauma. Sitting back and breathing saying' I've got somewhere... I'm stable.
And thank the universe for that as now I just got a diagnosis of cfs and fibro so physical conditions have come knocking on my door.. Not to minimise them (because they are pretty severe) but the * I'm been with with cptsd over the past 20 + yrs it seems almost easy to cope with physical health.

I wanted to write this account of my journey to not only write it for me but to give others hope on their journey.
I know how hard and dark it can be.... When the light of  hope seems out, the loneliness and loss is chronic and the self identity so broken. When the fear, anxiety and low mood is relentless. When self hatred is a constant companion and relationships with others is too hard to bare. Within all this there is hope and there is healing. We all are on our journeys together and individually. No 2 of us will experience exactly the same yet we share so much of the same. I decided I wasn't going to stop fighting for myself when I was a teenager leaving 'the house of horrors' and I don't know where my fighting spirit comes from after being beaten so many times, I get back up maybe it's just primal survival. I'm pretty incredible and I say that with prideful humility today.. The broken ness is the fore runner for the healing Ness..
 I should be dead, I should be homeless, I should be deep in addiction, I should be in toxic and dysfunctional relationships, I should be people pleasing and Co dependent, I should be self loathing, I should be being used by others, I should be being abused, I should be a complete train wreck.
I've been all these things and more...
I must be a miracle
I must have experienced a miracle...
Of healing
Of growing
Of changing
To find myself
Outside of that...
Aside of that
That which was never me 
Dare I walk free
One life
My life
The story of my life

Hi reaching out to see if anyone else has cfs?
I have recently been diagnosed and wanting to find others here....

General Discussion / New year rehaul
« on: December 24, 2019, 12:33:13 PM »
I've been v overwhelmed with my recovery lately...
I do 12 step for addictions
Psychology for cptsd
And medical for fibro/cfs

I have a super fast brain that think think thinks a lot.. I move rapidly from one thing to the next with no stopping..
Books, articles, on line, you tube, forums, people, meetings, writings etc etc... =overwhelm..
Info overload and going no where..

I HAVE to simplify or I am going to go mad (if I haven't already)...

The other area is my creativity.. I keep looking and thinking of the reasons why I don't allow my passions to come into ignition... I have ideas but don't really know...
Who cares! Its like when I work it out then that will give me the permission.. NO

I just Need to start something and be consistent... Do the journey..
I'm a dancing, drawing, painting, creating, singing closet queen.

So new plan :


General Discussion / Emotion dealing and self love
« on: December 23, 2019, 11:26:14 PM »
I'm becoming so aware that dealing with emotion when it comes to how I let others affect me is such a core problem with me.
Today a friend was talking a lot I just couldn't deal with it...
I could have said 'I'm not v good at listening right now' but it felt like a squeek and I couldn't get the words out.. So I just sat there in resentment and then went into a big drama inside myself...
I'm also really seeing just how hard it is for me to access self love and acceptance.. Loving words towards myself... Its like I know I need to do this to develop in so many areas of my development but its like trting to build a muscle that is so small and weak its almost redundant....
Thoughts experiences appreciated

Autoimmune/Inflammatory/Oncological/Neurological Conditions / Fibro /cfs
« on: December 12, 2019, 08:38:50 PM »
Hi there
I'm just been diagnosed with fibro /cfs.
It feels a relief to have diagnosis after yrs of exhaustion which has increased.
I'm working to really love, self care, accept, let go and be.. It feels good.
No one is putting expectations on myself and I don't need to either.
I'm not even majorly striving for how to cure myself at the mo but am getting support in my community and online.
I totally believe this is my bodies way of saying look after you because your important. I'm been such a worker all. My life and now I can be free.
It's taken me a Yr to come to this state of okness.
The body speaks the mind.
I believe as my mind, emotions and self relationship heals more I have every chance of healing physically.
If I'm honest I quite like being unwell stepping out of societies expectations and craziness. It's nice to be out of the rat race.

General Discussion / Self acceptance feels great
« on: December 12, 2019, 08:32:46 PM »
Today I realised that I'm actually OK with time on my own... Not for too long but much more than the average person.. Whoever the average person is :)
I am also seeing when I am with others that's when I can compare and despair let myself feel less than re my limited close social circle.
I've made a decision I don't need to do this I can live my life in the comfortable way for me.
I seem to being going through a big period of acceptance about who I am, what I do or don't do and my expectations of self some based on perseved social conditioning.
I let go of my career last Yr and now receive disability benefits I'm v grateful for this support . I seem also to be letting go of the idea I need to push to get my next career or next big thing to make me something.
I have just been diagnosed with fibro /cfs my life is different today and that's OK.

Allowing myself to be who I am with cptsd, without cptsd... And all shades in between.

I'm feeling a freedom lately of accepting and actually loving myself in all my shades and colours.
I can live how I want to and that is more than OK!

I'm 46 and have worked hard all my life from the age of 14. Ive had  3 and different careers over the yrs and trained numerous times to get them.. Trained at university in my 30s.worked many part times jobs on top of study.
Worked long hours for years and was a responsible and caring citizen. Cared for others ++ and fought for some social standing.
And NOW its time for ME

I can be slacking I can be lazy I can be unresponsible for others. I can just be, I can not know, I can not strive, I can be dependent. I can be surrendered.
I can be silly I can be scruffy I can be quiet. I can be spontaneous I can be u spontaneous. I can have no agenda, no deadlines no time frames.
I can let of critical self appraisal and self analysis.
I can just be me in this body with this heart and this spirit just here just me just free.

General Discussion / General overwhelm
« on: November 27, 2019, 04:42:19 PM »
I'm feeling overwhelmed in my recovery... There is so much to manage and I'm tired of striving...
I need to strip it back and keep it simple..
It's like being my own therapist, parent, guide whilst being the patient, child and lost one...
I have lots of support but still feel this way..
I wonder if I strive to hard... Um yes... I wonder...
Trying to get there and needing to slow down and take stock for a while..

Anyone's exp in this area welcome

Christmas & New Years / The 'C word... Christmas
« on: November 27, 2019, 11:26:34 AM »
This is a difficult time for me as I know it is for many...
Thought it could be a good space for connecting and helping to lighten the load... Provide helpful ways we cope with the festive period..

For me I really turn to remember the people who actually have no one..
The people who don't have much hope
I remember not everyone is in a cosy family... I remember its a tough time for many... This helps me get perspective on my situation...

I just seem to be realising in a big way shame is at the bottom of so many of my issues...
Self rejection, self beating, self. Contempt, feelings of worthlessness.
I also struggle with what I am actually feeling.. Also to see who is responsible for what in relating issues.

Had a v  difficult day yesturday and when I'm in that space my mood drops so low. My addiction kicked off in. My head and thank god I didnt binge.

I just need to write this

I Am not a walking disaster...
I have a right to keep growing and develop good enough friendships

Shame lives in me and I am now rising to not be truly sucked into its claws.

I can feel. Good enough about myself

Any experience people have around growing /dealing with shame I'd be so grateful to hear

Friends / Time to let go... Cptsd or bpd
« on: October 20, 2019, 02:12:58 PM »
Oh how did I end up trying to disentangle myself fr another highly emotionally unstable person...
Ha I know because I needed to have this friendship to help me realise further :my strong boundaries, my self containment, my rights, my- I am not responsible for anyone else and just what a healthy friendship looks like.
I've long been the person who walks into a room and chooses the v person that I really shouldn't. I'm starting to see more clearly why and I'm starting to feel I have a choice.
The above said 'friend' has become much more unstable this past year. Before that I was seeing signs that weren't right for me ie lack of empathy, gas lighting, all or nothing behaviours, being projected on etc. This last Yr however even with putting in strong boundaries its not enough and I can see I've exhausted all possibilities and its time to end this relationship.
Now comes the question is the how to do it...
I am going to keep it short and direct, assertive, yet with a hint of kind.
This relationship is too emotionally charged and difficult and I need to walk away and end the relationship  .. (or words to that effect.. Anyone with experience in this area I'd be happy to hear.
My fear is of her gaslighting,
Exploding, interigating or worse doing something to herself...
Any wisdom in this please I'd like to hear

Therapy / CAT therapy
« on: October 04, 2019, 09:43:13 PM »
Hi all
I've just started CAT therapy with a psychologist..
It's extremely good and so is she...
Intense and confronting.. But feeling this could really help me with some further relational recovery

Sleep Issues / Re accruing dream continues...
« on: September 05, 2019, 02:03:38 PM »
Gee I get so bored on the re accruing dream...
I go back to the foo house... My m is there... Have to say though there is progress in the dream as it used to be I would be looking at her through the windows but petrified she would she me. Now my adult self has a f 2 f conversation.. I'm polite but don't let my boundaries go and she is self absorbed...
If it ever happens in real life I feel she would pretend to care but I know the truth behind that.
Bless her
I would like the dream to stop its been yrs now...

Can't seem to calm these days... Ongoing flashback?
Started with contact with my f and me telling him I've been referred to cfs clinic.. His response 'hope its not serious and then continued to talk about his holiday..
This isnt an unusual response for him but it really affected me.
I'm developing a calm down box so I'm pleased about that and it will be a good aid and comfort for me..

Family of Origin (FOO) / A deeper understanding of npd
« on: June 29, 2019, 07:47:35 PM »
Hi I'd like to become more knowledgeable about npd. Specifically how a person operates inside with this disorder, how they view the world and what makes them tick.
This past 2 yrs esp as I've been going through tougher times (thankfully stable and well currently) it has become so so obvious my f fits npd. Gee 2 pd parents.... Nice.
I'm lc with f nc with m.
I've got a surface understanding of npd but would like to read research papers, books and websites that show the disorder in a deeper way.
Any help. Appreciated

General Discussion / Annual gratitude time
« on: June 29, 2019, 06:31:53 PM »
Each year I like to write a post to express my deep gratitude for this forum and everyone here..
I've been a member for some years now and it blows me away how much I've grown despite some really difficult periods..
Everyone here has really helped me this last year to feel held, safe and sane when I feel anything but...
The admins do such a wonderful job and Kizzie is a super star in my eyes.
I never realised before I started using out of the storm just how a forum could benefit me and I help others. I always recommend forums now to people and how much I value this space.
So sending all my best wishes to everyone here and creating this place that feels like home.

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