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Topics - ToreyP

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Chronic Pain & Setbacks
October 07, 2017, 02:58:42 AM
So I've not long ago started EMDR therapy with my psychologist.  I have to say I haven't found it particularly helpful (we only did one session, and I got the impression I wasn't "doing it right" - nothing was happening that she seemed to insinuate would happen).  She hasn't done it with me again which makes me think I've failed at it and she's moving on to something else...

Anyway...

I feel like every time I make some stride forwards, my issues with chronic pain kick in and leave me feeling exhausted.  I have terrible joint issues and had major shoulder surgery in July after being in pain with it for a year.  Since the surgery, aspects of the pain are better - but I'm still having some (recovery?) pain and nerve pain.

When I'm trying to do the mindfulness exercises, for example, at work when the 8,000+ people are crowding in the store - it's almost instantly vaporised by the interruption of pain (whether it's my shoulder or some other joint because I am having issues standing for long periods of time - and my shifts are a minimum of 4 hours standing in place on a hard concrete floor).

Does anyone else with chronic pain have this issue and how did you overcome it??
#2
Friends / Pushing People Away
September 24, 2017, 02:54:55 AM
I hope someone else can relate to this.  I'm sure they can.

I hate having friends.  I used to feel so conflicted because I wanted to feel some kind of connection with others - to feel liked for who I am, etc.  I would watch others hanging out with their friends and the relationships that they had and would feel jealous of it because I didn't think anyone would ever want to be my friend or voluntarily stay around me.

I avoided people throughout my childhoood and before I dropped out of Uni (I had maybe one or two people I counted as friends, and only associated with them at the communal school locations, etc.).

Then I grew up and spent most of my adult life caring for my grandparents and those were the happiest years of my life.  Just them and me way out in the woods away from anybody.  And then I met my wife and I did something crazy - I left everyone and everything I knew to move across the world to Australia to be with her.

I got my first job in nearly 10 years here.  I started working and something odd happened - people actually LIKED me.  They liked being around me.  I was caught off guard the first time someone invited me to hang out with them.  And that's when the avoidance began...

I get paralysed with fear just thinking about hanging out with them.  For a number of reasons:

  • Having to leave the house.  I hate the thought of having to leave my house for anything other than work or shopping.
  • It's usually not just them.  They often have their other friends there, too.  People who I don't know or don't know well.  This stimulates my social anxiety and I usually end up not saying much or being magnetised to my friend the whole time.
  • Fearing that the more time I spend with these people, the less they'll like me.  Like they'll find out who I "really" am and just how dysfunctional of a person I am.  That the fake me from work is not something that I can sustain for very long and it drains me.

So now...I hate having friends because of these things.  I end up not answering their phone calls, FB messages, etc. and making up some excuse why because I'm too afraid to tell them the truth.  That a ringing phone triggers my flashbacks and I keep it on silent because of this.  That I'm too scared to be put on the spot and asked to go out because I know I'll say "yes" even though I don't want to - I'm a people-pleaser. 

I just feel exhausted having friends.  Then I feel guilty for pushing them away.   I just want my house, my wife and our cats.  Safe things.  :'(
#3
Employment / Anxiety Brain & Possible New Job
September 24, 2017, 02:40:05 AM
Hi, all.  So I'm not sure what I'm posting this for here, but it's mostly to get it out of my head or I'm going to lose it.  I don't really have anyone to talk to, so...

As you may or may not know, I currently work at a large international home furnishings company with whom I've worked for 5 years now.  It's horrible for triggering me due to a number of factors (massive crowds of 1000+ visitors per day, noise, customers yelling in my face, backstabbing, gossiping, etc.).  I've been trying to get out of this place pretty much since I started and realised that it was affecting my mental health. 

Applying for new jobs is like pulling teeth for me.  Having to gather mental and cognitive faculties to sit down and write a brand new cover letter for each and every role I apply for completely drains me.  Yet, I manage to do it - and up until now, have been rejected for literally HUNDREDS of jobs.  Even the most simple roles, such as meter reader or trolley pusher, I have been rejected for.  This has done nothing for my self-confidence.

Then I got a bite at a local dairy that I really wanted to work for.  I ended up injuring my shoulder at my present job which pretty much killed my chances of getting that role.  I had surgery through WorkCover and am recovering.  Then, out of the blue, I get a call from the dairy again - they have a desk job that they'd like me to come in and do 3 days' trial shifts. 

Now I'm panicking.  Does anyone relate to these feelings?:


  • New people - having to "fake" being "normal" and try to cope with my horrific memory (names, job titles, etc.)
  • Cognitive/memory issues - blowing the opportunity if I happen to be having a bad week and can't remember tasks or directions
  • Messing up this opportunity and never getting another because I'm that dysfunctional.

I hate applying for jobs and yet I must get out of this place I'm in.  Hate having to either be honest or lie when the form asks "do you have a medical condition that may affect your ability to perform the tasks associated with this role?".  I just feel like if I don't get this job, I'm going to break.   :fallingbricks:
#4
Hi, all.

I have only just learned what an emotional flashback is and it makes so much sense to me - I'm so happy to finally have a name for what I've always considered to be my "emotional fragility and hypersensitivity".

That being said, I now understand why our pet Lorikeet's screaming can transform me into a trembling, yelling mess of a man. 

My wife brought me home a rescued Rainbow Lorikeet as a companion animal for me some years ago.  All was well back then when I wasn't working.  But when I started working, things changed because I wasn't able to be home with him and therefore he began to look for ways to get attention. 

Unfortunately, shrill screaming is one of those ways.  It drives me insane.  I cannot count the number of times my wife and I have had arguments over this bird.  Bearing in mind that I did not have a diagnosis when my issues with his noise began.  She seemed to think I was just hypersensitive to the sounds he made, but now that I understand what is happening to me when he does this - I suppose I just want her to realise that it's not just me "hating" him or being unreasonable.  It boggles my brain that she and I can be in the same room with him and she's able to sit there reading happily while this bird is literally screaming so loud behind her that I have to shout at her to speak.  Nothing makes him stop unless you cover his cage up (and she won't let me do this as it's "cruel").  I love my wife and she loves me - she is so patient with me and supportive, though.  This is why I feel so torn.  She is a vet nurse and has basically unlimited patience with animals.

I love him, I really do - but it's now been 5+ years since I started work, and I feel like a prisoner in my own home whenever I am home alone with this bird.  No matter how much attention I give him, when I walk away he is screaming to the top of his lungs and then my trembling starts.  I start yelling back at him which only makes him worse - then I feel horrible and guilty because of how I react.  She doesn't want to get rid of the bird, but no solution I suggest will she accept (getting him a companion -> no, he wouldn't like another bird/or/would become too attached to another bird and distance himself from us; build an outdoor aviary -> no, he is an indoor bird and wouldn't survive the weather). 

It really is an impasse.  I am left feeling completely drained after a weekend alone with him and back to work feeling unrested and completely unprepared for the work week.

I have recently tried thinking of why his screaming, other than the fact that it's simply noise, triggers me and I think I may have found an answer.  If anyone is not familiar with what a Rainbow Lorikeet sounds like, they are raucous and grating - and his tone is similar to what may be a raspy female voice yelling (i.e., my mother).   

Has anyone else here experienced a similar situation and how did you resolve it?
#5
Hi, all;

I'm happy to have found this place.  I have suffered for many years and was diagnosed with C-PTSD this year after extensive therapy. 

In a nutshell, I live in South Australia (migrated from the US, originally from Louisiana - no longer a US citizen) with my wife and our five animals (two cats, a Rainbow Lorikeet and two spoiled ducks). 

Concerning my diagnosis, my psychologist stated that I had "the most substantial and extensive history of trauma" she has ever been aware of.  I don't feel it's appropriate to go into details today, but my very long list of traumas, like many, began in childhood and unfortunately has continued until, most recently, 2015.  I am hopeful that recovery may be a reality for me.  I struggle, but I'm glad to at least have some answers and light at the end of the tunnel.

Looking forward to learning new things from all of you here and hopefully helping to support others like me.

Cheers.