Out with the old... in with the new! So... what's the new, here?
Has anyone else noticed, since starting and being well INTO their recovery, a heightened sensitivity to others' negative mood and tone of voice? I italicize 'heightened' because in a lot of cases, going NC has brought down my stress and made me more able to let other peoples' stress slide off my back - I know what's theirs is theirs and what's mine is mine... but perhaps that is when I am easily able to remove myself from a situation.
Before going NC with my NPDmom, and before all the lightbulb moments and coming so far in my own self-education and self-care, I had a lot more resistance and defenses in place for dealing with angry, morose, self-centered people. I felt like absorbing or deflecting a constant barrage of negativity and stress was just part and parcel of being around other people, particularly family because, you know, you can just be yourself around family (i.e. lazier and less accountable for your emotional footprint). People are stressed, people don't deal well with their stress, people can't be expected to take care of themselves, people aren't responsible for their own emotional health, people aren't responsible for the emotions they put into a room, there aren't ways to take that responsibility, people hoist their negative emotions onto the people around them - these were truths so real that they weren't even examined, they were just the wallpaper and the furniture in the room that you don't even see any more you've been living with them for so long.
Now that I know none of that is true, and can see the lack of health in it, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around people who are aren't taking care of themselves and are letting their lack of emotional health come out in their tone of voice, like toxic fumes in the air everyone else is forced to breathe. My cousin, specifically - her stress level is very high, I suspect she has rage issues, and it's always boiling just below or at the surface.
(I'm out of the country right now, one week into a three week visit to my cousin and her two young kids, one of whom is very special needs - here helping her move, basically doing the work of a live-in nanny + mover/organizer, which I don't mind, she needs the help... it's just been a challenge because I've been in a c-ptsd recovery depression haze for about three months so jumping head-on into this has required a lot of mental upkeep and self-care...which my cousin is basically unaware of.)
More than half of what she says is in a high pitched, raised voice, ranging from emphatic to outright screaming, in an angry tone, worded in a way that expresses outraged incredulity at the person's behavior or just the simple state of things - a sort of mocking, criticizing, exasperated tone is the default. She goes from zero to I'VE EFFING HAD ENOUGH in the space of one sentence. I truly don't think she's aware that that's what she sounds like, or that she'd give any thought to the effect it might have on anyone else - 'you don't know what my life is like' would be the response.
It's not that she doesn't have reasons to be stressed, it's that she ... well, sadly, as she opened up to me one night, she just wishes someone would come in and save her from her life. She has no interest or knowledge in learning about emotional health - the second a suggestion is made, she's stopped listening and is making "But you don't understand" excuses. She just can't hear it. I don't think she's got a PD! I think that life has dealt her a really difficult hand and that she's been a nervous person her whole life to begin with, and her mom wasn't - isn't - the 'tell me how you're feeling' sympathetic listener type, so I think my cousin sort of, simplistically put, feels the need to be loud so that maybe someone will make her feel heard. She does deal with the demands of her life fairly well on the surface, getting things done, it's just the emotional run-off that is noxious to be around.
This isn't really about her, though - it's about being my being around her all the time (which I have to be, living with her for the next two weeks), and how it is soooo much harder for me. Used to be, I could handle it with all the old emotional forcefields I've developed since childhood - my cousin is basically a sweet person who means very well, unlike my mother, and has actual real life problems she is having to deal with every day, unlike my mother who fostered her own misery and the misery of others, so comparatively dealing with my cousin was a walk in the park.
But now I am having a really hard time being around the CONSTANT negativity and anxiety - she doesn't seem to understand that it is not my job to sooth her anxiety - of course I listen and behave in an appropriate sympathetic way, but sometimes I'm not able to be present and her anxiety amps up and up and up when someone isn't there to come to her rescue - I think being around someone who has and can enact boundaries is a whole new thing for her. I have only been around her for a week and I am finding myself avoiding her in the apartment, and being reluctant to express any emotion around her at all. Trying to have a conversation with her about 'the way she talks' would not go over well, she's just too hyper-sensitive to criticism (she's doing the best she can!!!) to hear that it's not me judging HER, it's me asking for something I need.
So this is a new stage in my recovery journey. The old tricks aren't working - I no longer feel comfortable around unhealthy behavior - I need clean air. I can recognize that her behavior is a result of her stress, her life, her habits and I don't take it personally, so that's good; I am emotionally detached enough that I don't feel like I need her to recognize my feelings because her behavior isn't hurting me, so much as it is making me uncomfortable to be in her presence. Maybe this is a time when I need to stick up for myself more? Because I'm living with her for another two weeks and so... I'm gonna be in her presence and that's a long time to be uncomfortable. But I really don't think saying 'hey can you stop sounding so angry every time you open your mouth' even in a really 'this is about me not you' way will do anyone any good. Maybe I just need to buckle down grit my teeth make nice get through the two weeks. :/ This is part of the 'figuring out what's normal and healthy' without a role model bit, I suppose...
She talks that way to her kids all the time too, and it makes me wince. We teach our kids how to respond to stress and I see how her kids are learning from her and it makes me think of me and my mom... yowee.
Has anyone else noticed, since starting and being well INTO their recovery, a heightened sensitivity to others' negative mood and tone of voice? I italicize 'heightened' because in a lot of cases, going NC has brought down my stress and made me more able to let other peoples' stress slide off my back - I know what's theirs is theirs and what's mine is mine... but perhaps that is when I am easily able to remove myself from a situation.
Before going NC with my NPDmom, and before all the lightbulb moments and coming so far in my own self-education and self-care, I had a lot more resistance and defenses in place for dealing with angry, morose, self-centered people. I felt like absorbing or deflecting a constant barrage of negativity and stress was just part and parcel of being around other people, particularly family because, you know, you can just be yourself around family (i.e. lazier and less accountable for your emotional footprint). People are stressed, people don't deal well with their stress, people can't be expected to take care of themselves, people aren't responsible for their own emotional health, people aren't responsible for the emotions they put into a room, there aren't ways to take that responsibility, people hoist their negative emotions onto the people around them - these were truths so real that they weren't even examined, they were just the wallpaper and the furniture in the room that you don't even see any more you've been living with them for so long.
Now that I know none of that is true, and can see the lack of health in it, I'm finding it incredibly difficult to be around people who are aren't taking care of themselves and are letting their lack of emotional health come out in their tone of voice, like toxic fumes in the air everyone else is forced to breathe. My cousin, specifically - her stress level is very high, I suspect she has rage issues, and it's always boiling just below or at the surface.
(I'm out of the country right now, one week into a three week visit to my cousin and her two young kids, one of whom is very special needs - here helping her move, basically doing the work of a live-in nanny + mover/organizer, which I don't mind, she needs the help... it's just been a challenge because I've been in a c-ptsd recovery depression haze for about three months so jumping head-on into this has required a lot of mental upkeep and self-care...which my cousin is basically unaware of.)
More than half of what she says is in a high pitched, raised voice, ranging from emphatic to outright screaming, in an angry tone, worded in a way that expresses outraged incredulity at the person's behavior or just the simple state of things - a sort of mocking, criticizing, exasperated tone is the default. She goes from zero to I'VE EFFING HAD ENOUGH in the space of one sentence. I truly don't think she's aware that that's what she sounds like, or that she'd give any thought to the effect it might have on anyone else - 'you don't know what my life is like' would be the response.
It's not that she doesn't have reasons to be stressed, it's that she ... well, sadly, as she opened up to me one night, she just wishes someone would come in and save her from her life. She has no interest or knowledge in learning about emotional health - the second a suggestion is made, she's stopped listening and is making "But you don't understand" excuses. She just can't hear it. I don't think she's got a PD! I think that life has dealt her a really difficult hand and that she's been a nervous person her whole life to begin with, and her mom wasn't - isn't - the 'tell me how you're feeling' sympathetic listener type, so I think my cousin sort of, simplistically put, feels the need to be loud so that maybe someone will make her feel heard. She does deal with the demands of her life fairly well on the surface, getting things done, it's just the emotional run-off that is noxious to be around.
This isn't really about her, though - it's about being my being around her all the time (which I have to be, living with her for the next two weeks), and how it is soooo much harder for me. Used to be, I could handle it with all the old emotional forcefields I've developed since childhood - my cousin is basically a sweet person who means very well, unlike my mother, and has actual real life problems she is having to deal with every day, unlike my mother who fostered her own misery and the misery of others, so comparatively dealing with my cousin was a walk in the park.
But now I am having a really hard time being around the CONSTANT negativity and anxiety - she doesn't seem to understand that it is not my job to sooth her anxiety - of course I listen and behave in an appropriate sympathetic way, but sometimes I'm not able to be present and her anxiety amps up and up and up when someone isn't there to come to her rescue - I think being around someone who has and can enact boundaries is a whole new thing for her. I have only been around her for a week and I am finding myself avoiding her in the apartment, and being reluctant to express any emotion around her at all. Trying to have a conversation with her about 'the way she talks' would not go over well, she's just too hyper-sensitive to criticism (she's doing the best she can!!!) to hear that it's not me judging HER, it's me asking for something I need.
So this is a new stage in my recovery journey. The old tricks aren't working - I no longer feel comfortable around unhealthy behavior - I need clean air. I can recognize that her behavior is a result of her stress, her life, her habits and I don't take it personally, so that's good; I am emotionally detached enough that I don't feel like I need her to recognize my feelings because her behavior isn't hurting me, so much as it is making me uncomfortable to be in her presence. Maybe this is a time when I need to stick up for myself more? Because I'm living with her for another two weeks and so... I'm gonna be in her presence and that's a long time to be uncomfortable. But I really don't think saying 'hey can you stop sounding so angry every time you open your mouth' even in a really 'this is about me not you' way will do anyone any good. Maybe I just need to buckle down grit my teeth make nice get through the two weeks. :/ This is part of the 'figuring out what's normal and healthy' without a role model bit, I suppose...
She talks that way to her kids all the time too, and it makes me wince. We teach our kids how to respond to stress and I see how her kids are learning from her and it makes me think of me and my mom... yowee.
this is my first post. I just introduced myself on OOTF, and this forum was suggested to me... and I can see why!