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Hi there.

I have finally arrived at the realisation that the issue of dealing with other people is one of my biggest problems at the moment.  Not with my husband and children but pretty much everybody else.

I don't work,  have no friends (just superficial chats with a couple of neighbours and fellow dog walkers).  Standing up to my nm over my lifetime of emotional (and childhood physical) abuse led to complete ST from my foo five years ago.  And actually,  I am generally OK with this.

The problem is with my in-laws, who I sort of feel obliged to have some sort of relationship with.   I feel very confused.   I have never felt particularly close to them,  but worry that that is my fault,  because I was so screwed up by my mother. I have apologised to my Mil for being difficult to get along with in the early days. They have done a lot of other things that I have found hurtful.   Fil refused to come to our
marriage ; they were never very interested in our children ; they have only visited a handful of times in  our 25 years of marriage,  and then only Mil.  We drive three hours there and back regularly to visit them.   In fact, none of the extended family ever visit us.  We have always accepted this is how things are.   What hurts me, however,  is that I have never received any emotional support from them.   They have refused to listen to anything about the situation with my parents and when I am depressed and in pain,  they don't want to know.   They just brush everything aside.   When I was struggling with three children under three, my twins both having special needs ( which turned out to be autism and learning and language difficulties and all diagnosed by professionals)  Mil would always completely invalidate me, saying there was nothing wrong with the boys and that she knew other people who had it worse. 

They have treated us quite badly recently and it has triggered me really badly,  especially as the situation involves a sil who I am sure is pd as she is so like my mother.   I just want to  avoid interacting with them but feel guilty. I genuinely worry that it is all my fault that we never developed any bond, because I was such a mess. But then again,  I feel that Mil could have made an effort to understand me and my situation.   

Does anyone have any advice about to navigate relationships which are unsatisfactory and cause anxiety but where there is guilt around what part our c-ptsd symptoms are playing in the relationship. I want to isolate as usual but feel so much guilt.

I hope this makes some degree of sense.   Any thoughts,  however rambling,  would be gratefully received.

Thank you.

Libby

I have been reading and posting on OOTF for a few months and found it really helpful.  I felt like I was really getting to grips with my situation regarding five years of ST from my FOO. I have been able to accept that I was the SG, especially for my mother,  who was beyond controlling.  I have no desire to be in contact with my parents or GC sister but I can't seem to move on from here.

I have suffered a lifetime of depression and anxiety - I am sure I was depressed when I started school at age four.   My mother desperately wanted a baby to make up for her unhappy childhood with her depressed mother.  She has always freely admitted that I was a disappointment,  unlike my sister who wasn't planned and arrived 15 months after me. Lovely family stories abound of how I was blamed for things that happened when I was only a baby or toddler.  I was accused as a two year old of letting my sister out of a gate and onto the road to be in danger from the one bus of the day. The family love all these little tales of how awful I was and would never consider I could be affected in any negative way, because they were such absolutely fabulous and perfect parents.  No matter the emotional and physical abuse from mother,  because I was fed and clothed and had a home. Actually food was used to control,  clothes and haircuts were for boys as that was what parents liked and I was left in no doubt that it was their house and their rules.

Every milestone in my life was ruined by manipulations from mother backed up by weak EF.  I was brought up to believe I would have no life away from them as I wasn't worthy.  I had disappointed mother by not loving her enough from my birth.   The last thing she said to me in person was that I thought that she was never good enough for me.  Sounds like projection to me. She spoilt my meeting of my husband,  marriage and births of my children. Mostly with her nasty,  snide put -downs and all round difficult and controlling behaviour.

When I said to EF that I was really depressed and blamed my rubbish relationship with mother the response was ST except for the odd hoover from EF complaining that he hasn't seen my daughter for years despite nm telling us that he was finished with her!! Sister immediately followed suit with the ST,  telling me I was wrong about childhood,  it was not the way I remembered it.

I have suffered the trauma of a difficult twin pregnancy resulting in premature birth.  One twin has learning difficulties and the other is on the autistic spectrum.  They are in their twenties and will probably always live with us. All of this was against a backdrop of mothers awful behaviour - seeming like a great grandparent but really causing loads of trouble especially between my h and I.

So here I am at 50+, I have a good husband,  lovely (but challenging)  children,  a nice house etc but I am still weighted down by depression, anxiety,  awful physical pain,  a vomiting phobia, no job,  no friends (ever, really).  Just such all encompassing pain which makes me not want to live.   I won't end my life but I don't see the point either.   

I think I have the symptoms of c-ptsd and feel that this may explain my inability to move on.

I would really like some feedback from regulars here.  Does my life history fit with c-ptsd development and do my circumstances now, reflect your experiences of this condition? 

I have reached out for help but never really got any.   The NHS isn't good at dealing with mental health and I seem to be deemed unworthy of help, even though I have never been demanding or difficult.   I think my mother's conditioning of me has fed into all areas of life - unworthy of happiness,  friends,  family,  housing,  good job,  anything.

Thank you for listening.

Libby12