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I don't know how to get to a healthier place in this relationship.  Basically I've been overshadowed/dominated by my mother for many years.  She can be really loving and nice to be with, but it comes at a price, which is denial of or minimising past abuse.  When I've tried to confront her over the past - she's either said nothing, and later come back with a kind of 'reframed' reality which she says happened, or else she tells me what I've said isn't true and reframes it there and then. 

She has a very firm belief that she did the best she could bringing me up - but did once admit that she abandoned me emotionally when she met a new partner when I was aged about three (who picked on me pretty relentlessly at times).  There was barely any physical contact between us (ie no hugs) from when I was small till when she tried to hug me when I wanted to leave home at age 17, which I angrily stiffened at. 

I know there's no point going on and on about the past, but I've had mental illness which has been pretty severe at times and then on the phone the other day she was saying how hard it must have been for me (which I think she may only be realising a little because one of my siblings closer to her has been ill too and she and her partner are pulling out all the stops to support them), but straight away she then started saying how hard it had been for her to watch me being ill !!!!!  lol!!   I just can't take it seriously - it just seems like platitudes (if that's the right word?).

But at the same time, as having these mixed up feelings towards her, I know I've been emotionally dependent on the relationship - in fact I feel I've been groomed to be  - also groomed to be there for her to share about whats going on in her life.   Its complicated.  I don't feel my needs for nurturing ever got met and I have been hanging on for years somehow hoping, but I'm recognising I'm very angry with her.

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment of boundaries?  I don't feel that I've been able to grow.  In fact if I show signs of growing in a particular direction, she tends to jump on what I'm doing and then it seems try to 'own' it as an experience for her, kind of like a jealous older sister (she's also admitted to me that she envies other people and then is determined to have what they have or do what they do so that she doesn't have to envy anymore). 

I feel like I'm hooked in so deep.  I don't have another person who would necessarily turn up and help out if I got ill at home for example.  I do have friends, but that's another story, as there are reasons I may be seeking another friendship group soon. 

Can anyone relate to this kind of enmeshment and undermining which can at times be confusing because of affection and 'love' or love-bombing??  I don't know if it really is love anymore when there hasn't been honesty over the degree of hurt that there's been.     

My appointments are stopping with the mental health services.  I've been stuck in a loop with them for years because they diagnosed me but didn't recognise cptsd and the only person - a support worker - who showed any interest in acknowedging childhood emotional neglect and abuse has left.  Being ignored or invalidated has been happening over and over again like a broken record. 

I think because I can be articulate and my parents are charming I have been written off.

So currently my welfare payments are at risk and I'm realising for the first time really i struggle with social skills.  I manage fine for a short window of time per week but then just want to hide or run away and the urge is overwhelming and I go quiet and I know people sometimes sense there's something wrong or other times they don't guess at all but my anxiety grows and I usually end up saying I'm ill or I've got to get back home and then I'll sleep, eat or if really triggered self harm or get in a muddle ruminating  etc. 

My home is chaotic....I don't know how I can think really clearly on one topic and create a mess at the same time!

Where do I start with trying to change many years of struggling to cope with day to day issues when there is no one to validate any progress?   It's so embarrassing lacking life skills at my age now and noone currently is supporting my conviction this is fallout from cptsd and family issues.  I feel deeply humiliated and ashamed.

I don't want to go to work because it would take all my energy just to manage part time but I may have to and I'm really concerned about it.

Trying to come to terms with seeing something which I may have been physical abuse, although a T denied that it was. 

Someone being overpowered again and again in a rough and tumble game. 

Have other people experienced this?  Asking something or saying something then being 'blanked' with no acknowledgement , texting and then waiting hours or a day(s) for a reply?  always texting replies when you've tried to ring them?  and when you ask if something is wrong they never admit that there is anything wrong. 

I'm fairly new to this topic.  Its a bit complicated.  Essentially I have c-ptsd but it wasn't recognised for over 20 years by the mental health services I was seeing, despite me explaining I had been emotionally neglected and emotionally abused etc.  I was given numerous life- shortening drugs which I am only just beginning to get off.  It still isn't recognised by the pdoc I see and I'm in a vulnerable position because my welfare payments are dependent on the diagnosis and I find it difficult to keep to regular activities, never mind employment which I haven't been in for an extremely long time - but two independent therapists have confirmed that I have c-ptsd and the drugs I was given can cause psychosis and I didn't have that before I went on them.   I do not have the support of my parents for therapy.  I just about manage day to day life - which is probably depression. 

I am not sure how to build the skills to hold down employment without risking a breakdown.  Has anyone been in this situation or is able to offer any thoughts?

(edited:  to be more concise)


 

Hello, I was recommended to come to this site by your sister site Out of the Fog. 

Hoping to learn more about recovery from C-PTSD and meet like-minded people seeking recovery skills and insight into this.  Was diagnosed with a mental illness many years ago, but two therapists have thought its C-PTSD due to emotional abuse and emotional neglect and for the first time in many years, I began to feel a bit better after one therapist told me about some exercises she thought I'd find useful.