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I find it really hard to do things in the pursuit of my happiness.  It always seems like it affects others negatively in some way.  If I enforce boundaries, it hurts other people by infringing on their rights to free speech/opinions/whatever.  If I achieve something that I'm proud of, it disgusts people by having them be subjected to my arrogance.  If I want to do something or express a preference for an activity, it inconveniences others by having to do this clearly less important or valuable thing.  My thoughts, feelings, opinions, anxieties were often met with eye rolls and dismissals like "just don't worry about it", "you're being oversensitive/overthinking/overdramatic", making me feel like I was doing a great disservice to my family for speaking my mind.

The list goes on, but you get the rough idea of where this belief crops up in my life.

When my family did things for the sake of my abusive mum's happiness, it was often destructive to the rest of us.  And when she walked out and broke the family when I was 15, she said she was doing it for the sake of her happiness.  Ever since then, and on top of the invalidation I experienced throughout childhood, I have feared I have this dark, selfish side that I must desperately try to contain for the sake of others.  I can only be rendered harmless in complete subservience.  I worry I am secretly a monster, that my happiness is poisonous to others.

I'm feeling a bit stuck here at the moment, and I don't know how to change this way of thinking...or if my greatest fears are true, and I really am a monster.

http://traumahealed.com/articles/by-topic/

This is the website of a bodywork therapist in Portland, Oregon.  The link above has a wealth of excellent articles about trauma and healing from trauma, including articles about the body (chronic pain/discomfort, trauma expressed in the body, etc.).  She is very anti-victim-blaming, which I like.

http://www.crazyherbalist.com/blog/

Here is a collection of articles about CPTSD written from the perspective of a survivor.  I found them immensely validating and useful for my own restoration journey.  Her way of writing is less clinical and more intuitive and emotional, which can be a more helpful approach sometimes.  I also like how she explains that the way our society is set up can really be counterintuitive for a trauma survivor's recovery.

She takes a very new-age, hippie approach to some of the content, which may be off-putting to some, but she advocates for you to take away from the articles the stuff that applies to you.

I hope you find value in these articles as I did!

Myself, my father and my brother have all been NC with my emotionally abusive mother for about five years now.  While this has been great for everyone's wellbeing, there is still a dynamic at play that makes my body tense up and my mood darken whenever I'm around them.

For starters, my brother can definitely be a bully.  He's been like this since we were kids, and it's frustrating to see that we are both adults and he's still doing this.  He will not hesitate to slip in a snide remark or make fun whenever I make a mistake or talk about something he dislikes (like a band).  I have tried to confront him numerous times over the years on this, but this doesn't work.  He will either try to pass it off as a "joke" or accuse me of being too sensitive and emotional and "acting like our mother", and tell me I'm infringing on his right to "free speech" and "honesty".  Plus, he does it specifically to get a rise out of me.  He told me so.  What kind of grown-*** man insults his own sister for kicks?

Dad's not much help in all of this.  I have tried talking to him about it numerous times as well, and he basically throws up his hands and says he can't do anything.  This is unfortunately a repetition of a similar dynamic with Mum, when she was abusing us and Dad would not say or do anything to defend us and tell us to just go and apologise to her and do what she says.  She was abusing him, too, which explains some of it, but he failed in his role as a parent in that area.

I also feel a disinterest in me and my life coming from both of them, which hurts me deeply, as Mum would also not take much of an interest in me unless it was something she could take credit for and use as an example of "what a good mother she is".  I know I am different in many ways to my family.  I am a university graduate (and have gone back for another degree) when my brother dropped out (not because he failed, just didn't want to do it anymore) and my dad only finished high school, I am a musician, I am a passionate person when they're more chilled, etc.  This is completely fine that we're all different people; a good thing, even!  But it seems as though, because we operate in different spheres, they use that as an excuse to not engage in my sphere, or they'll only give a token gesture of such.  They've even told me so explicitly.  I try my best to ask them what's going on in their lives and learn more.  Why can't they do the same for me?

Complicating my feelings on all of this is that they have done a great many things for me over the years that I am very thankful for.  However, these are usually material or financial contributions.  It makes me feel like my love and gratitude are being bought, and so I can't say anything about all the other stuff.

When I visit my family, I become filled with self-doubt.  I feel abnormal and alienated around them, when I shouldn't feel that way around my own family.  I should feel accepted unconditionally.  What should I do?

Hello all!

So I recently came to the conclusion that I have C-PTSD after a long, long period of denial and repression.  I experienced emotional abuse and neglect throughout my childhood from my mother, which extended into an overall toxic family dynamic.  Fortunately I have had no contact with her since I was 17, and I am 23 now.

Looking back, I always had trauma symptoms, but it has only been in the last year or so that the symptoms became really noticeable, particularly as I started experiencing what I now know to be emotional flashbacks.  I read everything I could get my hands on that might possibly help me out of the despairing mess I was in.  I came across Pete Walker's work and I was initially very resistant to the idea that I had C-PTSD, but the more I "leaned in" to the resistance, the more I found it rang true for me, and I came to the conclusion that there was no shame in being traumatised, especially not after what I have been through.

After coming to the realisation that C-PTSD may be the main source of these personal troubles, it was like dunking my head in ice water on a 40 degree day.  I felt calmer than I had in a long time.  I brought the idea to my counsellor, who all but confirmed it (her exact words were "I wouldn't challenge that at all" -- which I know is her way of saying "yes").  Now that I know what I'm working with, I feel I can better address these difficulties.  So here I am.

It's lovely to meet you all, and I look forward to supporting each other on our individual journeys to recovery!