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Topics - Annegirl

#1
General Discussion / First time breakthrough :)
October 09, 2015, 05:18:05 AM
Today i am feeling a sense that recovery is happening. Usually I have EF's and they last for weeks. Today one started and i realized it was an EF and i was feeling sick and beating myself up over an abuse that happened to me and my reaction to it. I said to myself I am in an EF over and over and like usual it didn't work, then i thought what is the next step? I looked outside and saw the chickens and ducks and my lovely children and i told myself, I am here, not there. I am safe, nobody is thinking about this only me and its gone and passed. I am safe and happy with good family and friends around. It worked, it really worked! and all the bad feelings went away. Another EF started to happen later in the day and i did the same thing. :) Anyone else has tried this and it has worked and you feel instant relief and the fog clears and you start to feel safe and happy instead of all the negative hating yourself feelings?
#2
Every time I think about my mother physically abusing me and my father allowing it to happen, only once he stepped in between me and her when she was about to try and rip my face off. She beat me until I went to another place in my mind. I keep making excuses for her, she was young and was abused herself. When i confronted her recently when she told me how similar my daughter was to me, I got angry, my daughter is still free, she beat all my "rebellion" which is actually assertiveness in a child and is a healthy thing. I told her until you squashed it. She got so angry and said to me "come ON just get over it you went through nothing, I was the one who was treated badly and I would hit you while I was having flashbacks" So i do feel guilty I even said anything to her, and feel like i have nothing to complain about and should be over it all by now. It just adds to the confusion and stops me being present to my children, my husband says to me all the time, "its like you're in a different world." My son is starting to notice me not paying attention too, when he talks to me sometimes. I don't want to be all the time regretting the past and trying to make sense of it, giving my mother the benefit of the doubt, I forgive her and apologized for saying "Until you squashed it" to her, she hasn't emailed back since that day, she was the one who rang and wanted to start being a part of mending our relationship. The week earlier she rang and asked me to forgive her for talking bad about my family to someone.

I just didn't know my life would end up like this, after everything i did for her it never paid off.

#3
Music / Song for abused people
September 07, 2015, 05:55:16 AM
I wanted to share this song with you friends  :hug:

https://soundcloud.com/vashti-awaiz/sweet-girl-5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=r_8ydghbGSg
and this one by Demi Lovato is another favourite of mine
#4
Family / Mother
August 20, 2015, 03:58:51 AM
LOL, my mother told me 2 days ago that the reason i and the children haven't been welcome to my parent's house 8+ yrs and counting is because of the time my son (2yrs old at the time) picked up one of her dolls by the leg.
#5
General Discussion / Avoidance
August 07, 2015, 04:52:26 AM
I have been invited to 2 family events next year. My father hasn't met 2 of our children and i haven't  been "home" for 8 years. My father has been offered tickets to fly and visit us but he has refused. I tried to come and visit him with the children when he almost died last year but my mother refused my visit. Now thanks to my T I have contacted my family to bring peace and closure and my father saw the children via Skype. Now 2 of my brothers have planned weddings for next year and invited us begging me to come. I have more peace in not going but then i feel guilty too. What shall I do?, I don't want to go back to that house where i was abused and according to my mother "It was lovely how much i helped around the house" (it didn't even enter her head that I was beaten by her every day she was home and stabbed with a knife in arm etc etc) Even my friend messaged me the other day and said she thought it was bad i was never allowed out to play but always had to be home helping my mother.
#6
Neglect/Abandonment / neglect?
August 07, 2015, 04:31:54 AM
yes i know i was physically and emotionally abused. But as an adult i always get separational anxiety when my husband has to go away for a week or a few days on business. This brings me back to the same feelings i felt as a child when I was the last child to be picked up from school and often never picked up so i had to walk the hour walk home. Or from orchestra practice at nights i was 100 percent of the time the last one picked up and would be waiting up to an hour for my father to arrive. I mean its good they gave me an education. And when i had to walk home 1 hour walk from both dentist operations when the form specifically said i wasn't allowed to do exercise for a day after the operations. Which i had to pay for as a teenager.
I feel the same now when my husband leaves as when my mother used to leave for weeks and months at a time and i had to look after the family. I am wondering if these few examples that used to happen often as a child would be classified as neglect and maybe that is why i feel the same panic when i know my husband is going away on business and leaving me to care for the family.?
Would anyone ask their T about this or try to work through something like this with their T or is it not important enough?
#7
Since my mother emailed me showing me she wanted a relationship with me and telling my cousins they could stay with her but had denied me even going into her house since my son was 2. Which was also partly what I initiated by walking out when my mother shouted at my son at that age which made me afraid she could physically abuse him like she did to me, my T and I spoke for weeks and weeks. I was very upset and showing many signs of stress and guilt etc.
One day my T told me to make a decision and that I was at a crossroads. Either I cut off all contact from my mother, block emails etc (which i have done for up to a year in the past, Cutting off phone etc) or I speak to her and make contact for the sake of closure and finding peace inside me and for my mother's sake. I told my T I didn't have peace in any of those decisions. My T offered a Skype session where my mother would be there if she agreed and I could tell her what I needed to and we could possibly find closure. She told me she wanted me to ask my mother the hard questions, why she came at me with an axe threatening to kill me so I had to hide for about an hour while she was roaming around looking for me with that axe.
This meant I had to email my mother. I did and she didn't answer me, then my T gave me a suggestion how to write it to her (my T worked with me a full 2 days without pay, she was so loving ad dedicated through all this and answered every little detail even when i got angry she answered me lovingly)

This email suggestion was speaking lovingly to my mother saying that "I yearned for a normal mother-daughter relationship." I reacted badly to this and told my T I cannot write this I have never spoken like this to my mother and she will mock me, she has never responded well to me telling her anything vulnerable. My T responded that I can take as many sessions as needed to make my decision, as it sounds like I'm not ready to make a decision yet. I spoke to my siblings and husband and they all said they think its a great idea if we make contact and i can say what we haven't ever said. In the end i thought it would be stupid not to at least try it and by my mother's reaction i could see whether this would be no contact forever or at least find peace to know if she loves or hates me.

So i ended up writing the email to my T's way and suggestion. My mother responded that she'll never be the perfect mother I'm wishing for. But that she has and always will love me. She was also defensive at times and said she will never talk to anyone about anything anymore as in the past she has been hurt a lot, but said if she's the cause of my problems then so be it and it was probably good for me and my family to have moved away.

I was very surprised by my mother's response and I felt much more peace and relief. I cried.
Since then contact is still minimal but I and my children skyped my parents and my father saw the youngest two children for the first time via Skype.

My twin brother cried when i told him what happened over the phone. I started to get very excited and expected it all to be "normal" now but my T kept working with me and told me not to expect anything other than the peace of now knowing.

I recently talked to my T again and she said that it is very beautiful and heartwarming what happened but not to expect anything from my mother. Just the peace of having found closure. My T also told me she will never be tired of talking to me about this stuff and she will always be here for me when i need her.
#8
Books & Articles / excellent book
April 02, 2015, 02:51:16 AM
 :thumbup: this book is the best book ive ever read on cptsd etc. Its called "trauma and recovery, the aftermath of violence- from domestic abuse to political terror." by Judith Herman, MD.  some of the things on the back of the book; " this book will surely become a landmark work on the social impact of psychological trauma and on its treatments.... A magnificent gift to survivors."

"Herman's brilliant insights into the nature of trauma and the process of healing shine through in every page of this rich and compassionate book"

I really recommend aanyone interested to look this book up online. It is helping me understand  an enormous amount About all this that we have endured and our reactions in adult life.

The beginning is more about the history of psychology and ptsd but keep reading it all ties in with her explaining cptsd in the next chaptors
#9
General Discussion / Realised something today.
March 27, 2015, 08:35:54 AM
I feel such freedom and relief as I just realized something that was keeping me in prison in my mind. My husband and I were making dinner and I felt like a hot drink. But I subconsciously stopped myself from having one (without realizing) thinking I shouldn't indulge as we were working and my husband might ask me what Im doing drinking a hot drink while making dinner.
About half an hour later I noticed my husband having a can of beer as he usually does around that time and I thought "why did i even stop myself having a hot drink?" and i realized how many times I stop myself doing things like this when he is around and I was subconsciously thinking he would have a problem with it when he never has. I just was living in the past thinking he will react and tip it down the sink or spill it all over me like my mother did before i learned not to indulge in her presence.
I feel so free now that i see this, I can have a hot drink whenever I like.
#10
Family / Mother
March 05, 2015, 03:39:59 AM
My mother just emailed me today,
I email her sometimes with photos of the children I always end the email "with love from me" Today she wrote this to me. with a link about a boy who talks to dogs.

"God honors the respect he had for his parents no matter what! what an amazing story!! now he helps run aways with his dogs. Good on him he holds no bitterness or resentment."

This from my mother who beat me sometimes to the point of me spacing out and living all my life in fear and survival mode.
#11
Recovery Journals / Yeah that, (Annegirl's journal)
February 27, 2015, 05:11:42 AM
Im afraid to talk to my T. She's really lovely and understood even when I sent her an angry email a couple of times but there is so much pressure all around me to get over everything and not go over my past. My mother always talked about her past abuse and although I don't talk about it to my children I talk about stuff I feel angry about with my husband. He was the one who alerted me that it was abnormal for my mother to attack me like a crazy woman and scratch me all up my arm the day before the wedding, I simply thought all mothers have their moments but mine had a right to as she had had such an awful upbringing.

My aunty came back from NZ and talked about my parents to me. She was going to tell them that she thought I had been badly treated as its complicated but they don't let me visit and I don't want to go. I haven't been home for 8 years and it seems like 8 minutes. Anyway aunty comes back and tells me my parents are "longing" for me..... and that my mother wants me to come by myself. (chilling and confusing) and that news started my facial tic coming back, although its slowing down again after I wrote a few songs. There is no way I will ever go back there on my own, part of the reason I love my husband so much is because my mother is afraid of him. So I feel much safer from her if he is around. Also I wouldn't leave my still breastfeeding little one ever. And my father hasn't met 2 of our children. What does that tell me about them? Im not sure, I can't understand or make sense of anything right now. 
#12
So this is the 2nd time in two days my husband has physically abused me trying to get to my daughter to punch her in the face as he keeps threatening her. I blocked him 2 times and told her run to the room where you can lock the door. So she runs and last time he kept pushing and pulling me today I sat in front of the door and he dragged me by my leg away from the door and I still lay down and blocked it while he was pulling the door forcefully as he had a key. I am very shaken up and for two days have been racking my brains on how I can leave. The problem is 3 of the children don't want to leave. I have to go he's shouting a lot about the puppy peeing inside usually I'm onto these things but I feel in fight flight freeze mode.
#13
So my husband told my cousin who lives in our town that my family don't comtact or visit me so I'm not speaking to them either now. He told his parents who are visiting from overseas. It is SO lovely having his parents around. They absolutely love our children and are having a good holiday visiting us sometimes. His mother told me she doesn't know how my father can stand not having seen me for 8 years or the two youngest children. It is so lovely having a validating family member around.
However she is going to NZ and said she is going to tell my mother I'm not being treated right. I see this as potentially an explosive situation and want to tell my aunt not to say anything to my mother as it will only push my family further away from me and give me an even worse label.

Today I made an appointment with my therapist to talk about it and my husband went mad at me for talking to my therapist about such pointless nonsense. He said all I need to do is tell my aunt not to tell my mother, simple. So I felt stupid about myself and cancelled the appointment. He changed his mind and said I can talk to her now but I already cancelled it but am thinking of making another appointment in a couple of days.

It's not just that I want to ask her about that she makes me calmer and my mind feels scrambled again and I want to ask her about some anger management techniques.

So my question would anyone else see this as a pointless reason to talk to your T? As I feel stupid making an appointment now.
#14
I "checked" every single one of these, if you're interested have a look. Opened my eyes a bit more, I hope it might help some more people here too.

"Nothing has "hit home" like what you're doing in this workshop.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
Home
About The Book
Is Your Mother Narcissistic?



Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?
narcissistic mother
Are you a daughter of a narcissistic mother? Take this brief survey.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride's book.

(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
Does your mother act jealous of you?
Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a "good mother?"
Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
Does your mother deny her own feelings?
Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
Do you feel you were responsible for your mother's ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
Did you have to take care of your mother's physical needs as a child?
Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
Are you shamed often by your mother?
Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
Does your mother appear phony to you?
Does your mother want to control your choices?
Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
Did you feel you had to take care of your mother's emotional needs as a child?
Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
Does your mother compete with you?
Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.
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#15
Letters of Recovery / to you Mamma
December 31, 2014, 04:15:49 AM
You tied me up with your chains inside my mind
you "kicked "me out when i got a mind of my own (once id left home you never wanted me back when i wasnt going to follow your rules anymore, even though everyone else in the family is free) and somehow turned the whole family against me, like you did to Pappa's poor mother.
The way she died showed me you have no mercy not even for a dying person and it chilled me to imagine how she must have felt that last year, her 100th year.

She was completely healthy and lucid and begged me over the phone to take her out of that home you put her in, we would have but we were living overseas at that time, it was your and Pappa's responsibility but you ground him down about her over all the years so hefelt so guilty every time he even wentto visit her that he wouldnt have been able to face your dangerous rage if he had even offered her you guys' house.. then when she shouted in that home to " get me outof here" !!!!! They told you she had to leave, you had a 2nd chance to help her butyou were SO angry at her, my loving grandmother who made everything so cosy, you put her in a home for those who were screaming constantly and had dementia (you laughed and told me, the good thing is shes quite deaf so she cant hear it), you showed her everyone was waiting for her to die, that nobody cared about her.

She must have felt so alone and miserable when she died, yes a couple of grandchildren visited her and her son and you, who kept telling me how well cared for she was.. you keep telling yourself all that s*** so that once again you did the perfect and right thing for her and the family..then while she died you dared to go and read to her out of the bible.. and then told everyone how lovely and peacefully she went and really you sounded the happiest id heard you ever talk about her, you were just happy she was out of your life.... im so angry about this and if it werent for you i would have been there for her and had her in my house but you drove me out of NZ. I was a slave to you and you all taught me not to talk for years, you showed me what i said was crazy and i couldnt open my mouth to speak, this stopped me from getting as far ahead as my brothers and sister, your beatings put me in the place you wanted me to be.. but im not in that place anymore and i suppose thats why im not welcome or part of the family, you only wanted me to cook and clean and childrear.
Once i left home i felt like a bird freed from a cage although you tried to drag me back, and tried to stop me leaving.

I am surrounding myself now with loving people, people who love and respect me and my family and love how im raising my children. They are more stable and happy than i ever was and it makes my heart soar and so happy to see them. Love is an amazing and powerful thing. I am sorry for you that you have never dared to let it enter your heart.
with love,
#16

Narcissistic Mothers' Characteristics


1. Everything she does is deniable.
There is always a facile excuse or an explanation. Cruelties are couched in loving terms. Aggressive and hostile acts are paraded as thoughtfulness. Selfish manipulations are presented as gifts. Criticism and slander is slyly disguised as concern. She only wants what is best for you. She only wants to "help" you.

She rarely says right out that she thinks you're inadequate. Instead, any time that you tell her you've done something good, she counters with something your sibling did that was better or she simply ignores you or she hears you out without saying anything, then in a short time does something cruel to you so you understand not to get above yourself. She will carefully separate cause (your joy in your accomplishment) from effect (refusing to let you borrow the car to go to the awards ceremony) by enough time that someone who didn't live through her abuse would never believe the connection.

Many of her putdowns are simply by comparison. She'll talk about how wonderful someone else is or what a wonderful job they did on something you've also done or how highly she thinks of them. The contrast is left up to you. She has let you know that you're no good without saying a word. She'll spoil your pleasure in something by simply congratulating you for it in an angry, envious voice that conveys how unhappy she is, again, completely deniably. It is impossible to confront someone over their tone of voice, their demeanor or they way they look at you, but once your narcissistic mother has you trained, she can promise terrible punishment without a word. As a result, you're always afraid, always in the wrong, and can never exactly put your finger on why.

Because her abusiveness is part of a lifelong campaign of control and because she is careful to rationalize her abuse, it is extremely difficult to explain to other people what is so bad about her. She's also careful about when and how she engages in her abuses. She's very secretive, a characteristic of almost all abusers ("Don't wash our dirty laundry in public!") and will punish you for telling anyone else what she's done. The times and locations of her worst abuses are carefully chosen so that no one who might intervene will hear or see her bad behavior, and she will seem like a completely different person in public. She'll slam you to other people, but will always embed her devaluing nuggets of snide gossip in protestations of concern, love and understanding ("I feel so sorry for poor Cynthia. She always seems to have such a hard time, but I just don't know what I can do for her!")

As a consequence the children of narcissists universally report that no one believes them ("I have to tell you that she always talks about YOU in the most caring way!"). Unfortunately therapists, given the deniable actions of the narcissist and eager to defend a fellow parent, will often jump to the narcissist's defense as well, reinforcing your sense of isolation and helplessness ("I'm sure she didn't mean it like that!")

2. She violates your boundaries.
You feel like an extension of her. Your property is given away without your consent, sometimes in front of you. Your food is eaten off your plate or given to others off your plate. Your property may be repossessed and no reason given other than that it was never yours. Your time is committed without consulting you, and opinions purported to be yours are expressed for you. (She LOVES going to the fair! He would never want anything like that. She wouldn't like kumquats.) You are discussed in your presence as though you are not there.

She keeps tabs on your bodily functions and humiliates you by divulging the information she gleans, especially when it can be used to demonstrate her devotion and highlight her martyrdom to your needs ("Mike had that problem with frequent urination too, only his was much worse. I was so worried about him!") You have never known what it is like to have privacy in the bathroom or in your bedroom, and she goes through your things regularly. She asks nosy questions, snoops into your email/letters/diary/conversations. She will want to dig into your feelings, particularly painful ones and is always looking for negative information on you which can be used against you. She does things against your expressed wishes frequently. All of this is done without seeming embarrassment or thought.

Any attempt at autonomy on your part is strongly resisted. Normal rites of passage (learning to shave, wearing makeup, dating) are grudgingly allowed only if you insist, and you're punished for your insistence ("Since you're old enough to date, I think you're old enough to pay for your own clothes!") If you demand age-appropriate clothing, grooming, control over your own life, or rights, you are difficult and she ridicules your "independence."

3. She favoritizes.
Narcissistic mothers commonly choose one (sometimes more) child to be the golden child and one (sometimes more) to be the scapegoat. The narcissist identifies with the golden child and provides privileges to him or her as long as the golden child does just as she wants. The golden child has to be cared for assiduously by everyone in the family. The scapegoat has no needs and instead gets to do the caring. The golden child can do nothing wrong. The scapegoat is always at fault. This creates divisions between the children, one of whom has a large investment in the mother being wise and wonderful, and the other(s) who hate her. That division will be fostered by the narcissist with lies and with blatantly unfair and favoritizing behavior. The golden child will defend the mother and indirectly perpetuate the abuse by finding reasons to blame the scapegoat for the mother's actions. The golden child may also directly take on the narcissistic mother's tasks by physically abusing the scapegoat so the narcissistic mother doesn't have to do that herself.

4. She undermines.
Your accomplishments are acknowledged only to the extent that she can take credit for them. Any success or accomplishment for which she cannot take credit is ignored or diminished. Any time you are to be center stage and there is no opportunity for her to be the center of attention, she will try to prevent the occasion altogether, or she doesn't come, or she leaves early, or she acts like it's no big deal, or she steals the spotlight or she slips in little wounding comments about how much better someone else did or how what you did wasn't as much as you could have done or as you think it is. She undermines you by picking fights with you or being especially unpleasant just before you have to make a major effort. She acts put out if she has to do anything to support your opportunities or will outright refuse to do even small things in support of you. She will be nasty to you about things that are peripherally connected with your successes so that you find your joy in what you've done is tarnished, without her ever saying anything directly about it. No matter what your success, she has to take you down a peg about it.

5. She demeans, criticizes and denigrates.
She lets you know in all sorts of little ways that she thinks less of you than she does of your siblings or of other people in general. If you complain about mistreatment by someone else, she will take that person's side even if she doesn't know them at all. She doesn't care about those people or the justice of your complaints. She just wants to let you know that you're never right.

She will deliver generalized barbs that are almost impossible to rebut (always in a loving, caring tone): "You were always difficult" "You can be very difficult to love" "You never seemed to be able to finish anything" "You were very hard to live with" "You're always causing trouble" "No one could put up with the things you do."

She will deliver slams in a sidelong way - for example she'll complain about how "no one" loves her, does anything f1or her, or cares about her, or she'll complain that "everyone" is so selfish, when you're the only person in the room. As always, this combines criticism with deniability.

She will slip little comments into conversation that she really enjoyed something she did with someone else - something she did with you too, but didn't like as much. She'll let you know that her relationship with some other person you both know is wonderful in a way your relationship with her isn't - the carefully unspoken message being that you don't matter much to her.

She minimizes, discounts or ignores your opinions and experiences. Your insights are met with condescension, denials and accusations ("I think you read too much!") and she will brush off your information even on subjects on which you are an acknowledged expert. Whatever you say is met with smirks and amused sounding or exaggerated exclamations ("Uh hunh!" "You don't say!" "Really!"). She'll then make it clear that she didn't listen to a word you said.

6. She makes you look crazy.
If you try to confront her about something she's done, she'll tell you that you have "a very vivid imagination" or that you "made it all up" (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don't know what you're talking about, or that she has no idea what you're talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten.

This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called "gaslighting," common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

Narcissists gaslight routinely. The narcissist will either insinuate or will tell you and others outright that you're unstable, otherwise you wouldn't believe such ridiculous things or be so uncooperative.
You're oversensitive.
You're imagining things.
You're hysterical.
You're completely unreasonable.
You're over-reacting, like you always do.
She'll talk to you when you've calmed down and aren't so irrational.
She may even characterize you as being neurotic or psychotic.

Once she's constructed these fantasies of your emotional pathologies, she'll tell others about them, as always, presenting her smears as expressions of concern and declaring her own helpless victimhood.
She didn't do anything.
She has no idea why you're so irrationally angry with her.
You've hurt her terribly.
She thinks you may need psychotherapy.
She loves you very much and would do anything to make you happy, but she just doesn't know what to do.
You keep pushing her away when all she wants to do is help you.

She has simultaneously absolved herself of any responsibility for your obvious antipathy towards her, implied that it's something fundamentally wrong with you that makes you angry with her, and undermined your credibility with her listeners. She plays the role of the doting mother so perfectly that no one will believe you.

7. She's envious.
Any time you get something nice she's angry and envious and her envy will be apparent when she admires whatever it is. She'll try to get it from you, spoil it for you, or get the same or better for herself. She's always working on ways to get what other people have. The envy of narcissistic mothers often includes competing sexually with their daughters or daughters-in-law. They'll attempt to forbid their daughters to wear makeup, to groom themselves in an age-appropriate way or to date. They will criticize the appearance of their daughters and daughters-in-law. This envy extends to relationships. Narcissistic mothers infamously attempt to damage their children's marriages and interfere in the upbringing of their grandchildren.
#17
Family / Mother
December 27, 2014, 02:01:31 AM
Hi how are you my forum friends?
I would just like some feedback on some recent developments, nothing major but I don't know how to take it, and my facial tic has started coming back since this happened.
My cousin lives in our town and his parents came from overseas (some people my mother respects a great deal). Since my father's heart attack and my mother refusing me to come in April after I hadn't see him at that time for 7years, she hasn't contacted me because of an email with details about NPD I sent to my father and sister about her (which they showed her). I sent photos etc now and then and never had replies, she scribbled her name off my birthday card in September. She did send me a song once which was about G-d.
Now I sent her photos of the children with that older couple who are like grandparents to our children (Actually great Uncle and Aunty) as I wanted to show my mother that we are happy despite her telling all my siblings to not contact me or visit, which they have done the whole year. (except my brother 13 years younger,( whom I raised until he was 10) who has anorexia, he rings quite often. (When I lived back in NZ I used to ask every few mths if I could visit for a day, as she was lovely with my siblings, but she always refused me)
Now she emailed me back, "I love you and miss you" She told me she missed me the time before my father's heart attack, but then after 7 years told me not to come??
I am feeling very unsettled, guilty and confused after this email. She is reaching out and I don't know how to respond.
Can anyone put some light on this situation?
#18
Anxiety / Social anxiety
December 07, 2014, 10:43:48 AM
Just read on the this forum why I feel different from anybody I ever meet. Social anxiety, I have it,
My mother had and has loads of friends, but if I got friends she would take them over from me and make them talk to/ like her more. She stopped me from going to social things at school for fear of me getting into drugs or getting s.a like she had been good intentions for that. Because she kept me at home so much I never got to socialise as a teenager and because of the abuse the socialisation at school and church were pointless as I never opened my mouth to speak to anyone for years. I physically couldn't speak when I was out for some reason. Now in social situations I feel very different, people see me and come up to talk very normally and on good days I can feel they don't find me different but many times I see myself as so different I can't make small talk at all. I am grateful to have my cousin and girlfriend living nearby or I would get no social life at all weird thing is I love people and finding out about them etc getting to know them etc but my insecurities sometimes go to the front of my mind and all I can wonder is "do they think I talk odd? Am I sounding socially normal?
Is this all normal or a sign of cptsd?
#19
Physical Abuse / Physical abuse (possible triggers)
December 06, 2014, 06:47:53 AM
So as some here I was physically abused, with many objects, stabbed with a knife in the arm, burned, chased with an axe all by my mother who threatened constant disfigurement to me and also death and  that by the time she was done with me no one would recognize me. A few days ago I wrote a song called "getting over those chains" and when I wrote it i realized that she "accepted" me in that house because of the "chains" she'd put in my mind of fear, that if i didn't obey I would be badly hurt or killed. I believed she was good, right and normal to hurt me in the ways she did, that I deserved it for being too selfish for not doing the dishes on time etc etc etc. Now for 9-10 years I haven't been welcome home (was my choice too in a way as I worried for my own children's safety although it hurts and confuses me that she has my sister and her children there every day no problems at all)
I feel like she has turned the whole family against me, and now that I "broke the chains she doesn't want me around anymore as she must feel I won't be her slave anymore.
Te worst thing for me is the constant confusion I feel and my mind seems like scrambled eggs a lot of the time, sometimes my kids are saying something right in front of me and all I'm thinking about is the past and they have to say it a few times, sometimes they get frustrated (understandably) because I don't hear what they are saying for a while.
#20
General Discussion / I emailed Pete Walker
December 06, 2014, 06:29:26 AM
He emailed me back, :)!!!! twice
the most interesting thing he said which I completely agree with is that no child is born with a PD, its all from bad parenting.
I can copy and paste email if anyone wants to see. :) My mother was parented badly and got fight cptsd which apparently is another name for being a narcissist.?