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Topics - Annegirl

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General Discussion / First time breakthrough :)
« on: October 09, 2015, 05:18:05 AM »
Today i am feeling a sense that recovery is happening. Usually I have EF's and they last for weeks. Today one started and i realized it was an EF and i was feeling sick and beating myself up over an abuse that happened to me and my reaction to it. I said to myself I am in an EF over and over and like usual it didn't work, then i thought what is the next step? I looked outside and saw the chickens and ducks and my lovely children and i told myself, I am here, not there. I am safe, nobody is thinking about this only me and its gone and passed. I am safe and happy with good family and friends around. It worked, it really worked! and all the bad feelings went away. Another EF started to happen later in the day and i did the same thing. :) Anyone else has tried this and it has worked and you feel instant relief and the fog clears and you start to feel safe and happy instead of all the negative hating yourself feelings?

Every time I think about my mother physically abusing me and my father allowing it to happen, only once he stepped in between me and her when she was about to try and rip my face off. She beat me until I went to another place in my mind. I keep making excuses for her, she was young and was abused herself. When i confronted her recently when she told me how similar my daughter was to me, I got angry, my daughter is still free, she beat all my "rebellion" which is actually assertiveness in a child and is a healthy thing. I told her until you squashed it. She got so angry and said to me "come ON just get over it you went through nothing, I was the one who was treated badly and I would hit you while I was having flashbacks" So i do feel guilty I even said anything to her, and feel like i have nothing to complain about and should be over it all by now. It just adds to the confusion and stops me being present to my children, my husband says to me all the time, "its like you're in a different world." My son is starting to notice me not paying attention too, when he talks to me sometimes. I don't want to be all the time regretting the past and trying to make sense of it, giving my mother the benefit of the doubt, I forgive her and apologized for saying "Until you squashed it" to her, she hasn't emailed back since that day, she was the one who rang and wanted to start being a part of mending our relationship. The week earlier she rang and asked me to forgive her for talking bad about my family to someone.

I just didn't know my life would end up like this, after everything i did for her it never paid off.


Music / Song for abused people
« on: September 07, 2015, 05:55:16 AM »
I wanted to share this song with you friends  :hug:
and this one by Demi Lovato is another favourite of mine

Family of Origin (FOO) / Mother
« on: August 20, 2015, 03:58:51 AM »
LOL, my mother told me 2 days ago that the reason i and the children haven't been welcome to my parent's house 8+ yrs and counting is because of the time my son (2yrs old at the time) picked up one of her dolls by the leg.

General Discussion / Avoidance
« on: August 07, 2015, 04:52:26 AM »
I have been invited to 2 family events next year. My father hasn't met 2 of our children and i haven't  been "home" for 8 years. My father has been offered tickets to fly and visit us but he has refused. I tried to come and visit him with the children when he almost died last year but my mother refused my visit. Now thanks to my T I have contacted my family to bring peace and closure and my father saw the children via Skype. Now 2 of my brothers have planned weddings for next year and invited us begging me to come. I have more peace in not going but then i feel guilty too. What shall I do?, I don't want to go back to that house where i was abused and according to my mother "It was lovely how much i helped around the house" (it didn't even enter her head that I was beaten by her every day she was home and stabbed with a knife in arm etc etc) Even my friend messaged me the other day and said she thought it was bad i was never allowed out to play but always had to be home helping my mother.

Neglect/Abandonment / neglect?
« on: August 07, 2015, 04:31:54 AM »
yes i know i was physically and emotionally abused. But as an adult i always get separational anxiety when my husband has to go away for a week or a few days on business. This brings me back to the same feelings i felt as a child when I was the last child to be picked up from school and often never picked up so i had to walk the hour walk home. Or from orchestra practice at nights i was 100 percent of the time the last one picked up and would be waiting up to an hour for my father to arrive. I mean its good they gave me an education. And when i had to walk home 1 hour walk from both dentist operations when the form specifically said i wasn't allowed to do exercise for a day after the operations. Which i had to pay for as a teenager.
I feel the same now when my husband leaves as when my mother used to leave for weeks and months at a time and i had to look after the family. I am wondering if these few examples that used to happen often as a child would be classified as neglect and maybe that is why i feel the same panic when i know my husband is going away on business and leaving me to care for the family.?
Would anyone ask their T about this or try to work through something like this with their T or is it not important enough?

Since my mother emailed me showing me she wanted a relationship with me and telling my cousins they could stay with her but had denied me even going into her house since my son was 2. Which was also partly what I initiated by walking out when my mother shouted at my son at that age which made me afraid she could physically abuse him like she did to me, my T and I spoke for weeks and weeks. I was very upset and showing many signs of stress and guilt etc.
One day my T told me to make a decision and that I was at a crossroads. Either I cut off all contact from my mother, block emails etc (which i have done for up to a year in the past, Cutting off phone etc) or I speak to her and make contact for the sake of closure and finding peace inside me and for my mother's sake. I told my T I didn't have peace in any of those decisions. My T offered a Skype session where my mother would be there if she agreed and I could tell her what I needed to and we could possibly find closure. She told me she wanted me to ask my mother the hard questions, why she came at me with an axe threatening to kill me so I had to hide for about an hour while she was roaming around looking for me with that axe.
This meant I had to email my mother. I did and she didn't answer me, then my T gave me a suggestion how to write it to her (my T worked with me a full 2 days without pay, she was so loving ad dedicated through all this and answered every little detail even when i got angry she answered me lovingly)

This email suggestion was speaking lovingly to my mother saying that "I yearned for a normal mother-daughter relationship." I reacted badly to this and told my T I cannot write this I have never spoken like this to my mother and she will mock me, she has never responded well to me telling her anything vulnerable. My T responded that I can take as many sessions as needed to make my decision, as it sounds like I'm not ready to make a decision yet. I spoke to my siblings and husband and they all said they think its a great idea if we make contact and i can say what we haven't ever said. In the end i thought it would be stupid not to at least try it and by my mother's reaction i could see whether this would be no contact forever or at least find peace to know if she loves or hates me.

So i ended up writing the email to my T's way and suggestion. My mother responded that she'll never be the perfect mother I'm wishing for. But that she has and always will love me. She was also defensive at times and said she will never talk to anyone about anything anymore as in the past she has been hurt a lot, but said if she's the cause of my problems then so be it and it was probably good for me and my family to have moved away.

I was very surprised by my mother's response and I felt much more peace and relief. I cried.
Since then contact is still minimal but I and my children skyped my parents and my father saw the youngest two children for the first time via Skype.

My twin brother cried when i told him what happened over the phone. I started to get very excited and expected it all to be "normal" now but my T kept working with me and told me not to expect anything other than the peace of now knowing.

I recently talked to my T again and she said that it is very beautiful and heartwarming what happened but not to expect anything from my mother. Just the peace of having found closure. My T also told me she will never be tired of talking to me about this stuff and she will always be here for me when i need her.

Books & Articles / excellent book
« on: April 02, 2015, 02:51:16 AM »
 :thumbup: this book is the best book ive ever read on cptsd etc. Its called "trauma and recovery, the aftermath of violence- from domestic abuse to political terror." by Judith Herman, MD.  some of the things on the back of the book; " this book will surely become a landmark work on the social impact of psychological trauma and on its treatments.... A magnificent gift to survivors."

"Herman's brilliant insights into the nature of trauma and the process of healing shine through in every page of this rich and compassionate book"

I really recommend aanyone interested to look this book up online. It is helping me understand  an enormous amount About all this that we have endured and our reactions in adult life.

The beginning is more about the history of psychology and ptsd but keep reading it all ties in with her explaining cptsd in the next chaptors

General Discussion / Realised something today.
« on: March 27, 2015, 08:35:54 AM »
I feel such freedom and relief as I just realized something that was keeping me in prison in my mind. My husband and I were making dinner and I felt like a hot drink. But I subconsciously stopped myself from having one (without realizing) thinking I shouldn't indulge as we were working and my husband might ask me what Im doing drinking a hot drink while making dinner.
About half an hour later I noticed my husband having a can of beer as he usually does around that time and I thought "why did i even stop myself having a hot drink?" and i realized how many times I stop myself doing things like this when he is around and I was subconsciously thinking he would have a problem with it when he never has. I just was living in the past thinking he will react and tip it down the sink or spill it all over me like my mother did before i learned not to indulge in her presence.
I feel so free now that i see this, I can have a hot drink whenever I like.

Family of Origin (FOO) / Mother
« on: March 05, 2015, 03:39:59 AM »
My mother just emailed me today,
I email her sometimes with photos of the children I always end the email "with love from me" Today she wrote this to me. with a link about a boy who talks to dogs.

"God honors the respect he had for his parents no matter what! what an amazing story!! now he helps run aways with his dogs. Good on him he holds no bitterness or resentment."

This from my mother who beat me sometimes to the point of me spacing out and living all my life in fear and survival mode.

Recovery Journals / Yeah that, (Annegirl's journal)
« on: February 27, 2015, 05:11:42 AM »
Im afraid to talk to my T. She's really lovely and understood even when I sent her an angry email a couple of times but there is so much pressure all around me to get over everything and not go over my past. My mother always talked about her past abuse and although I don't talk about it to my children I talk about stuff I feel angry about with my husband. He was the one who alerted me that it was abnormal for my mother to attack me like a crazy woman and scratch me all up my arm the day before the wedding, I simply thought all mothers have their moments but mine had a right to as she had had such an awful upbringing.

My aunty came back from NZ and talked about my parents to me. She was going to tell them that she thought I had been badly treated as its complicated but they don't let me visit and I don't want to go. I haven't been home for 8 years and it seems like 8 minutes. Anyway aunty comes back and tells me my parents are "longing" for me….. and that my mother wants me to come by myself. (chilling and confusing) and that news started my facial tic coming back, although its slowing down again after I wrote a few songs. There is no way I will ever go back there on my own, part of the reason I love my husband so much is because my mother is afraid of him. So I feel much safer from her if he is around. Also I wouldn't leave my still breastfeeding little one ever. And my father hasn't met 2 of our children. What does that tell me about them? Im not sure, I can't understand or make sense of anything right now. 

Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Don't know what to do
« on: January 18, 2015, 08:16:02 AM »
So this is the 2nd time in two days my husband has physically abused me trying to get to my daughter to punch her in the face as he keeps threatening her. I blocked him 2 times and told her run to the room where you can lock the door. So she runs and last time he kept pushing and pulling me today I sat in front of the door and he dragged me by my leg away from the door and I still lay down and blocked it while he was pulling the door forcefully as he had a key. I am very shaken up and for two days have been racking my brains on how I can leave. The problem is 3 of the children don't want to leave. I have to go he's shouting a lot about the puppy peeing inside usually I'm onto these things but I feel in fight flight freeze mode.

General Discussion / Another question (explanation first)
« on: January 04, 2015, 08:50:35 AM »
So my husband told my cousin who lives in our town that my family don't comtact or visit me so I'm not speaking to them either now. He told his parents who are visiting from overseas. It is SO lovely having his parents around. They absolutely love our children and are having a good holiday visiting us sometimes. His mother told me she doesn't know how my father can stand not having seen me for 8 years or the two youngest children. It is so lovely having a validating family member around.
However she is going to NZ and said she is going to tell my mother I'm not being treated right. I see this as potentially an explosive situation and want to tell my aunt not to say anything to my mother as it will only push my family further away from me and give me an even worse label.

Today I made an appointment with my therapist to talk about it and my husband went mad at me for talking to my therapist about such pointless nonsense. He said all I need to do is tell my aunt not to tell my mother, simple. So I felt stupid about myself and cancelled the appointment. He changed his mind and said I can talk to her now but I already cancelled it but am thinking of making another appointment in a couple of days.

It's not just that I want to ask her about that she makes me calmer and my mind feels scrambled again and I want to ask her about some anger management techniques.

So my question would anyone else see this as a pointless reason to talk to your T? As I feel stupid making an appointment now.

I "checked" every single one of these, if you're interested have a look. Opened my eyes a bit more, I hope it might help some more people here too.

"Nothing has “hit home” like what you're doing in this workshop.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough
About The Book
Is Your Mother Narcissistic?

Do You Have A Narcissistic Mother?
narcissistic mother
Are you a daughter of a narcissistic mother? Take this brief survey.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways which is explained in Dr. McBride’s book.

(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)

When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she she try to top the feeling with her own?
Does your mother act jealous of you?
Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother?”
Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce,) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
Does your mother deny her own feelings?
Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
Are you shamed often by your mother?
Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
Does your mother appear phony to you?
Does your mother want to control your choices?
Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
Does your mother compete with you?
Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.
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Letters of Recovery / to you Mamma
« on: December 31, 2014, 04:15:49 AM »
You tied me up with your chains inside my mind
you "kicked "me out when i got a mind of my own (once id left home you never wanted me back when i wasnt going to follow your rules anymore, even though everyone else in the family is free) and somehow turned the whole family against me, like you did to Pappa's poor mother.
The way she died showed me you have no mercy not even for a dying person and it chilled me to imagine how she must have felt that last year, her 100th year.

She was completely healthy and lucid and begged me over the phone to take her out of that home you put her in, we would have but we were living overseas at that time, it was your and Pappa's responsibility but you ground him down about her over all the years so hefelt so guilty every time he even wentto visit her that he wouldnt have been able to face your dangerous rage if he had even offered her you guys' house.. then when she shouted in that home to " get me outof here" !!!!! They told you she had to leave, you had a 2nd chance to help her butyou were SO angry at her, my loving grandmother who made everything so cosy, you put her in a home for those who were screaming constantly and had dementia (you laughed and told me, the good thing is shes quite deaf so she cant hear it), you showed her everyone was waiting for her to die, that nobody cared about her.

She must have felt so alone and miserable when she died, yes a couple of grandchildren visited her and her son and you, who kept telling me how well cared for she was.. you keep telling yourself all that s*** so that once again you did the perfect and right thing for her and the family..then while she died you dared to go and read to her out of the bible.. and then told everyone how lovely and peacefully she went and really you sounded the happiest id heard you ever talk about her, you were just happy she was out of your life.... im so angry about this and if it werent for you i would have been there for her and had her in my house but you drove me out of NZ. I was a slave to you and you all taught me not to talk for years, you showed me what i said was crazy and i couldnt open my mouth to speak, this stopped me from getting as far ahead as my brothers and sister, your beatings put me in the place you wanted me to be.. but im not in that place anymore and i suppose thats why im not welcome or part of the family, you only wanted me to cook and clean and childrear.
Once i left home i felt like a bird freed from a cage although you tried to drag me back, and tried to stop me leaving.

I am surrounding myself now with loving people, people who love and respect me and my family and love how im raising my children. They are more stable and happy than i ever was and it makes my heart soar and so happy to see them. Love is an amazing and powerful thing. I am sorry for you that you have never dared to let it enter your heart.
with love,

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