How do you turn it off? How do you stop the flood of negativity, the drumbeat of other people's perceptions that drown out your own?
I've always done this, and I understand why. From my earliest moments, I was indoctrinated with the belief that what others thought of me mattered more than what I did. That what my family said was more true than what they actually did. Add a naturally sensitive, empathetic nature, sprinkle in the ability for keen observation and self-imposed vigilance, and you have the ingredients for a life of seeing patterns and assuming intent, a life of discounting your own best interests (of barely being able to discern them), a life of anxiety and despair. A life of believing other people held the key to me.
I used to think of my capacity to read and understand others as an enormous gift, one of the best things about me, a kind of rare depth perception most people lacked. And in some ways I still value it, because it fed my creativity and humanity. But it's become overwhelming, and no mantra of selfhood turns down the volume. I notice too much, read into what I notice too much. It's gotten easier to just withdraw, isolate. I think the instant default to shame is one of CPTSD's cruelest, most intractable legacies. Does anyone know what I mean?
I've always done this, and I understand why. From my earliest moments, I was indoctrinated with the belief that what others thought of me mattered more than what I did. That what my family said was more true than what they actually did. Add a naturally sensitive, empathetic nature, sprinkle in the ability for keen observation and self-imposed vigilance, and you have the ingredients for a life of seeing patterns and assuming intent, a life of discounting your own best interests (of barely being able to discern them), a life of anxiety and despair. A life of believing other people held the key to me.
I used to think of my capacity to read and understand others as an enormous gift, one of the best things about me, a kind of rare depth perception most people lacked. And in some ways I still value it, because it fed my creativity and humanity. But it's become overwhelming, and no mantra of selfhood turns down the volume. I notice too much, read into what I notice too much. It's gotten easier to just withdraw, isolate. I think the instant default to shame is one of CPTSD's cruelest, most intractable legacies. Does anyone know what I mean?