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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / what now?
« on: December 26, 2017, 02:03:51 PM »
Just wanting to say how hard it all feels today and how tired I am of it all.
I just don't really see any point in anything right now. Everything feels tired and somehow silly right now, like all the Christmas fuss. I mean Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I thought, I had a nice day with my son. But it felt pretty much like any other day somehow. I cooked a christmas dinner and found myself thinking how samey it seemed, same thing every year and what for?
Usually I'm filled with inadequacy. loneliness and envy of other's family Christmases but now they all seem silly and too much like hard work, I feel like so much of life is like that, a silly game, and so little that is real. I watch everyone acting in it like things really matter and somehow I feel removed as if none of it matters because I'm too busy dealing with mucky existential stuff. I'm aching for something real, so I can feel alive, feel anything other unease and fizzy dissociative feelings. I want to feel involved and believe in the people around me instead of feeling removed, distrustful and as if no one is really worth anything or safe enough somehow.
Except now I feel like I no longer care. I have nothing left. It's the same silly stuff over and over. I have this sense that the deadness inside of me is and will be there where ever I am, and that all the chasing for safety and belonging I've been doing externally is all for nothing. It's deeply in me so I can't run ahead of it anymore.
Maybe that's a step forward, locating the pain in me rather than the solution outside. But i'm overwhelmed and lost direction with the battle against it. It seems so big.
Now I sit here. My son's gone to his dads. I just don't want anything for me other than time to pass. For what?
I could force myself out to walk the dogs or watch some tv but I'm tired of the feeling I get when I think of something as simple as walking my dogs - anxiety, confusion in the computation about where to go, how to avoid people, whether this inner child part of me can bear it.
Likewise, trying to decide what to watch on tv according to this unhappy part of me that finds everything too much. Part of me just doesn't want anything and doesn't want to be me, with me, here, now or anywhere.
And what's the point? For me there's something deeply scary at the moment about how pointless it is, about time passing and the sheer ordinary disappointingness of life.
I know I don't always feel like this I guess I'm just really in touch with a part of me that must have come to all these conclusions a long time ago.
I guess I need to give it time to feel like this and my job is just to bear it.
I just don't really see any point in anything right now. Everything feels tired and somehow silly right now, like all the Christmas fuss. I mean Christmas itself wasn't as hard as I thought, I had a nice day with my son. But it felt pretty much like any other day somehow. I cooked a christmas dinner and found myself thinking how samey it seemed, same thing every year and what for?
Usually I'm filled with inadequacy. loneliness and envy of other's family Christmases but now they all seem silly and too much like hard work, I feel like so much of life is like that, a silly game, and so little that is real. I watch everyone acting in it like things really matter and somehow I feel removed as if none of it matters because I'm too busy dealing with mucky existential stuff. I'm aching for something real, so I can feel alive, feel anything other unease and fizzy dissociative feelings. I want to feel involved and believe in the people around me instead of feeling removed, distrustful and as if no one is really worth anything or safe enough somehow.
Except now I feel like I no longer care. I have nothing left. It's the same silly stuff over and over. I have this sense that the deadness inside of me is and will be there where ever I am, and that all the chasing for safety and belonging I've been doing externally is all for nothing. It's deeply in me so I can't run ahead of it anymore.
Maybe that's a step forward, locating the pain in me rather than the solution outside. But i'm overwhelmed and lost direction with the battle against it. It seems so big.
Now I sit here. My son's gone to his dads. I just don't want anything for me other than time to pass. For what?
I could force myself out to walk the dogs or watch some tv but I'm tired of the feeling I get when I think of something as simple as walking my dogs - anxiety, confusion in the computation about where to go, how to avoid people, whether this inner child part of me can bear it.
Likewise, trying to decide what to watch on tv according to this unhappy part of me that finds everything too much. Part of me just doesn't want anything and doesn't want to be me, with me, here, now or anywhere.
And what's the point? For me there's something deeply scary at the moment about how pointless it is, about time passing and the sheer ordinary disappointingness of life.
I know I don't always feel like this I guess I'm just really in touch with a part of me that must have come to all these conclusions a long time ago.
I guess I need to give it time to feel like this and my job is just to bear it.