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Topics - LittleBird

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Sexual Abuse / SA *trigger*
« on: January 13, 2018, 03:39:45 PM »
I don't know when, if ever, I'll see what happened to me as "not my fault".

When I've heard what other victims of child SA have shared, my heart breaks. But when I think back - I'm not at the stage yet where I don't believe it was my responsibility.

Christmas & New Years / New Year's Resolutions
« on: January 12, 2018, 05:45:18 AM »
I'm a bit late posting this because I've been busy. But have been thinking this morning about what I'd like from this new year.

I want to make progress with building myself up mentally and get fitter now I feel more able.

I want a new tattoo.

I want to make new friends and apologise to the friends/family I left behind if the reasons for doing that don't seem reasonable any more.

I want to study now I feel like I can retain information that bit better.

I want to learn to appropriately adjust my confidence in social situations.

I want to stop using the Internet so much and get to know people in the real world.

I want to be grateful for the positives I've experienced. I want to not repeat  mistakes again. This includes maintaining appropriate boundaries and asking for support when I need to.

Yeah, I think that'll do for now. I might ask a mod to move this to the recovery section.

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / SI
« on: January 08, 2018, 01:41:24 PM »
Has anyone got advice on what to do * old SI marks? I'm really upset about them. I think I need to use an oil treatment but I struggle with this kind of self care every day.

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / Medication
« on: January 06, 2018, 05:38:39 PM »
When using medication for a dissociation issue, has anyone else found the increase in mood swings particularly difficult to manage? Because it is rubbish to up and up dosages when the risks are high. I guess it's like gambling. Or being used to gamble. Or something.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Trapped in flight/freeze cycle
« on: January 02, 2018, 09:28:08 PM »
I am, as the title suggests, getting worn out flipping between these two states. I feel like I've made some progress and know the direction I'm headed. It's just tiring me out so much because the path isn't clear yet.

I don't know who I can trust or who I can ask for advice in person. I'd really appreciate some advice.

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / Shock
« on: December 31, 2017, 02:57:29 AM »
I feel like I'm in epic amounts of shock right now. I'm terrified of myself. I can barely feel my face and I'm so shaken. I don't get it. Just don't get it. My eyes hurt and my forehead hurts. Can't sleep. Urgh.

Questions/Suggestions/Comments / Survival tips
« on: December 30, 2017, 08:09:46 PM »
I thought it would be cool to have a board of mostly positive lists and recommendations. Maybe that wouldn't work here but I liked the thought  :)

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / SAD
« on: December 30, 2017, 08:04:21 PM »
I always get a bit worse at this time of year. I don't always recognise how affected I get by the holiday season. I'm worried I've upset people by not turning up, being late or being in my own little world when I get there. I'm so tired and stressed.

Recovery Journals / Calming down
« on: December 27, 2017, 08:55:02 PM »
I'd really like to be calmer.

I've not really managed this before, but I have all the right reasons to begin. Sometimes steps forward seem like steps backwards.

I'm going to try to keep a better schedule with my meds and diet. Going to try to be more mindful of how I think of and treat people around me. I'm going to try to make positive steps.

What do I do with her? I don't want to be a critic of anything. Every time I've tried, I've failed. It seems too late to put her to use now.

I could use her energy, but I'm still hearing too much of her on the inside when I attempt to be proactive and it's a challenge that my body isn't up to yet. Urgh. I hate how vulnerable I am.

For every strong step, I make a mistake. It's life. It's a hard lesson. If I don't learn it, I see what that will do to others  :'(

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Too bad
« on: December 09, 2017, 11:15:33 AM »
 :stars: deleted

Recovery Journals / Cogsworth
« on: December 08, 2017, 01:01:07 PM »
Today I noticed the time. Oh yeeeeah.

Who knew. I'll never know... But I'll try to make it up to those I can.

General Discussion / First Steps
« on: December 05, 2017, 01:11:35 PM »
My first steps toward recovery are recognising how dissociative I am between all 4F states. I need to face the narcissistic part today. I recognise I've hurt myself so badly and hurt, I think everyone I know in some way. I've hurt others who are connected to people I've hurt as well. I don't recognise when I do it, but I am so ashamed of myself. I've been cold and unfeeling when it felt protective, but I've been full of emotion every time I've tried to explain what I've gone through. My defences are way too strong and the worst, the very worst has been my pride. It's taken so long to recognise it in myself, because of all the things I'd not faced that I'd done and that had been done to me. That's the part I need the most help for. I don't even hear myself when I'm in fight mode.

I wish I could apologise to everyone I've hurt but that seems impossible. I'm so sad I can't rewind and do it all again. I don't even know what I've done, I feel like such an ignorant mess  :'( I don't know how I'm meant to pick myself up again, but I know it's worth it because I have to, because I've got a job to do looking after my family. I want to cry and cry it out now. I notice what I've done, I'm disgusted at myself. I need to balance and I'll give it time, I'll try to change  :'(

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / Where is Andy?
« on: December 04, 2017, 09:06:09 AM »
I've been reading his book and not making sense of it. My very sincere apologies.

AV - Avoidance of Traumatic Reminders (eg Dissociation) / Visuals
« on: December 02, 2017, 01:52:05 PM »
I'm having rapid eye movement in the day and my mind is somewhere else. I'm wandering through a forest searching for a little boy and screaming because I can't find him. I lost him, they tricked me and I lost him.

I always wanted to find him and accept him and apologise for what happened but it was hush hush, don't talk about it, think about it. We can't talk or think about anything now.

I've kicked myself into a frenzy. I just wanted to help myself which was wrong. I'm pleading with myself forgive yourself and all the pieces of yourself that are vulnerable.

I know defensive parts can see that, I know protective parts can see that so I'm just pleading that in the end it will calm for me and the lost one, who ever he is, wherever he is. And I hope I'll be able to get well again, because I'm owed that.

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