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Hi all  ,

For a long time I believed I was a freeze type and it took me coming off cigarettes and nicotine to get serious. Cigarettes actually caused me to go into an EF or at least a hyper-adrenalised state which meant I therefore couldn't see things clearly. I was addicted to this state of being. When I hit a low point I finally realised I'm a partial flight type and addicted to adrenaline. I didn't want to give up my drug of choice so failed to admit it before. I have quite bad adrenal fatigue and am following a new diet to counteract it. I'm very addicted to sugar as it causes a small high and it's proving hard to kick.

I haven't been out of the house since last week and am feeling a huge desire to go out in order to get a release of adrenaline. I was wondering if anyone has any actionable advice on how to beat this? I'm sick of living like this and constantly doing risky things in order to get a buzz. Can anyone relate?

Thanks.

Hi everyone,

I'd mentioned in another thread that I partake in skype therapy and Kizzie asked me to post about it, so here go's. If anyone wants to put this thread in another section of the forum, by all means do.

I started skype therapy at the end of last year after a I found a therapist who seemed suitable via a google search. We've had twelve sessions so far and I'm finding it worthwhile. I'm a freeze type and also disabled, so my fear is pretty bad. Skype therapy has helped enormously with this; my fear is reduced because I'm not actually in the room with the therapist. I also feel a lot more freedom to speak truthfully as I can just slam the lid of my laptop down if I feel uncomfortable!  I also feel more freedom to argue with things I don't agree with as there's no physical threat.

The relationship with my therapist has not been impeded by the fact we're not in the same room. In some ways I would say it's better because I'm more relaxed.

Before the session I still feel all the usual symptoms of anxiety and go into flight mode and can't sit still, but the good thing is that this isn't as severe as when I attended therapy physically.

I still have trust issues and haven't been able to show much of my authentic self yet, but I'm hopeful I'll be able to eventually. I think I'll be able to do that more quickly than if I actually had to be in the room with someone. When I was physically in the room with a previous therapist I went through * because I was so scared, so this process is definitely less stressful. My T lives a long way from me which also makes me feel safer. As you can tell my main priority is safety and this is where skype therapy has the best advantage.

If anyone has any questions please feel free to ask.

I was just wondering if anyone can tell me if this has happened to them? I'm pretty sure this is what's happened to me. I've recently quit nicotine and quittting and successfully staying off it has given me the ability to believe that I'm not helpless anymore and will be able to heal.

Since a few hours ago I've been feeling very odd. I found a text message on my mobile from a while ago that scared me. When I read it a darkness seemed to settle over me and then I realised that it wasn't an EF, it was in fact reality.  I read about this a long time ago in the Pete Walker book, but I would never have believed it was what had happened to me. Things make a lot more sense now.

I've been working through the Suzette Boon book on dissociation and it said that to heal a dissociative disorder you have to trust yourself and recently I've started trusting that I can handle this. I think I've made a huge leap in tackling my dissociative disorder.

It could actually be an abandonment of consciousness. Does anyone know the difference and has either happened to anyone?

Thanks.

Hi everyone,

I knew I was a freeze type right from the off, but when I heard it was the hardest to treat I got so scared that I quuickly ran into therapy and stayed in a situation that wasn't working for me for four months. I had no concept of what a good relationship was and therefore didn't realise how bad it really was for me. I finally extracted myself from that situation but ran straight into another relationship like this, only worse. The relationship began at an ACOA group. The whole thing was largely my fault. I put far too much stock in the relationship and the woman began like a mother to me. I finally realised what I'd done and extracted myself from that situation after another four months and have sunk into the abandonment melange. I know that I'm using all this as a reason to self-isolate even more than I already was before, but I don't see how I can begin a new relationship with a T or even a would-be friend when I'm attracted to certain types. I feel safe in this community and nowhere else. Is anyone else a freeze type who's working on recovery themselves, or has had similar experiences? It'd b great to know I'm not alone. Thanks.

Hi everyone,

I'm so sorry I've been away for so long-I've been in a really bad place. I've been in serious denial about the extent of my freeze response, finally stopped avoiding and have begun to read the Suzette Boon book-Coping with Trauma related dissociation. It was recommended in the Pete Walker book. I was wondering if anyone else is reading it? It's amasing and one of the only things to have helped me. I can't get a therapist and am so unbelievably overwhelmed with all of this, so was hoping maybe a thread could be started for people who are also reading it? Maybe we could discuss the homework questions that accompany each chapter, per week? Something like that anyway.

Thank you everyone. 

Hi all,

God, I'm so unbelievably pissed off at the minute, although if I'm honest I'm really covering up my sadness. This issue has been bothering me for a week or more but I kept dismissing it's significance. Let me explain.

So, I started setting boundaries recently. I've always been a huge people-pleaser in the past and have agreeded to most anything so that people will like me and therefore not abandon me. My friend had asked me to be bridesmaid at her wedding, the catch was, the wedding would be held abroad. We're not close, so I was surprised, but happy. I was so bowled over by the fact that someone apparently liked me enough to ask me to be a part of their wedding that even though I could in no way afford it, I said yes. She told me she would pay for me to go, so I stopped worrying about the financial issues. I need my partner at my side through everything and decided I'd somehow manage to find the money to pay for him to come. I don't work because of disability and my partner only works part-time. Me and my partner can't even afford to go away ourselves. We haven't been away together in years, but I still put her happiness first.

She texted me a while ago and said that instead of paying for my whole trip she would give a small amount to me and my partner to put towards the cost. I think this was a manipuation to be honest so it looked like she was giving more when actually it was less. This amount was in no way enough and would barely have covered one flight each. I've been thinking about boundaries a lot lately and decided to tell her that I couldn't go.

When we met last week she actually brought up the topic of how maybe it was too much pressure being bridesmaid considering everything that's happened in my life lately, like finding out I have C-PTSD etc. I said yes and thought I could get out of going to the wedding that way and therefore not have to bring up the monetry situation and thereby make her feel bad. She then offered that I come as a guest. I thought about it and said no and confessed that it'd really been about money the whole time and I was too scared to tell her the truth in case she got mad. She laughed and said no she wouldn't get mad, that she understood. Then a bit later in the conversation she said, 'nobody else better drop out of the wedding otherwise I'll get mad.' What the *? She knew I was worried about her getting angry and then she says that!?

Since that day I haven't heard from her. That was nine days ago. It's never been anywhere near this long since I've heard from her before, so I know she's not going to contact me. She knew I was seeing a new T this week and she never asked me how it went, although to be honest, she was never very interested in what I was doing. Anytime I met her it was torture because she wouldn't ask me any questions about myself. I could onlly last two-hours at a push. It was such a struggle to think of conversation. She had something big herself going on this week and I know she would have contacted me to tell me about that, so I'm nearly positive she won't contact me again.

I didn't get on with her that well. You know it's that codependant thing where you take anyone that actually shows up! I'm pretty sure she's a covert narc anyway because I always felt bad after I met her due to things she said. The main point is that I'm so isolated, I've only got my partner now as I went NC with my FOO a few months ago and her going off like this has brought up all my feelings of abandonment again and stuck me in a never ending EF.

I hesitated about posting this but I'm desperate to know if anyone gets this or has a similar story. I mean, this is what happens when you start setting boundaries, isn't it? I just need to know that I have you guys, some people who are with me. I feel so alone.

I'm sorry this has been such a long post and thank you for reading.

Hi everyone,

I wasn't around the forums for a while because I was seeing a therapist who I knew wasn't good for me and at the time didn't realise that I was a co-dependant. Well, maybe it was more the fact that I was still in denial, I don't know. The therapist I saw couldn't give any diagnosis and when I started seeing her I became lazy and transferred all my feelings I had for my NM onto her. I felt more or less normal while I was seeeing her as she encouraged me to do whatever I felt like doing, such as compulsively jumping from one task to the next. That's not the right course at all, surely? I've always assumed we're supposed to fight the impulse to run from our pain, aren't we?  It was a really bad situation anyway that I got myself out of last week. I was in a continual EF while I was seeing her. It was low-grade, but prevented me from accepting the truth of the matter, that I'd completely fawned over her. I thought I could bypass much of my recovery if I had her to watch my back. 

Since discovering how severe a co-dependant I am, I've been reading the literature surrounding C-PTSD again and fully absorbing it this time. I knew before that I was a flight/fawn hybrid, but have properly accepted it now.

My question is, I'm having a very severe flight response in my legs where I feel like I just want to run. I'm also having such a problem posting on here because I categorically don't want to sit with my feelings. I want the support of people on here, but I find it really hard to write more than short posts. I just want to constantly flit from one activity to the next to distract.

I'm wondering, is what I'm experiencing, as in extreme agitation, a co-dependancy withdrawal, or my flight response to EF's? I mean, it could just be the day or the week because when I was young I had to sit in my bedroom most of Saturday and deny my flight response to emotional pain, which was hellish.

Thank you all for reading this incoherent ramble! 

Hi everyone,

I'm so scared right now and could really do with some support.

My foo that live very close to me refused to give me back a disabled parking badge that was issued to me years ago when I became ill. They always kept it and I was too frightened to ever ask if I could have it, even though it was rightfully mine.

I kept denying how bad the abuse was until yesterday when some more repressed memories returned and I finally started to believe how awful it was. I remembered how she had completely squashed my fight response when one time when I was young I screamed at her and in response she nearly broke my jaw and threatened to kill me, holding a knife to my throat.

Coming out of denial about the abuse made me realise that the only way I'll get better is by sticking up for myself, so today I phoned the police and explained how she refused to return my badge. They said they'd try and get someone to call with me at some point, but they turned up at the door only an hour later.

When they came in I explained everything to them and they said they'd go and see my foo right away. They went and returned to my house about 45 minutes later with my badge. I was virtually hyperventilating while they were gone and worried more the longer they took to come back because I was sure something terrible was happpening.

They said to me that everything went OK and my m was annoyed with them as opposed to me, but I don't know if I can believe that. I could smell her on their clothes and now I'm positive that she went her usual shade of crazy and hit them. But omg how guily do I feel that I launched her into an EF by someone taking something from her, even though it was mine ffs! Omg I'm so guilty, even though she abused me for years. This is horrendous!

Did I do the right thing by getting the police involved? But it was the only way to get my property back. I'm so worried she'll try and get into my home and kill me tonight. Anytime I stuck up for myself in childhood I had * to pay so I'm sure I'll have to pay now. I know this is just an EF but I'm so scared.

Thanks for reading.

Hi all,

I found this guy on YouTube who has C-PTSD and has made a few videos regarding it and does a lot on narcissistic abuse. Here's the link:

https://www.youtube.com/user/SPARTANLIFECOACH

I'm falling back into deep paranoia again and I don't know what to do. I'm so sorry that I've been unable to give other people here support. I now realise why I couldn't do that, it's because I was in the midst of a trauma reenactment at the hands of my therapist.

For a while I knew that it wasn't working with my T, but I wouldn't accept it. I searched for every reason as to why it was me at fault and not really her. Two sessions ago I was 10 minutes late and went into a complete meltdown. She'd taken on the role of my mother and I couldn't bear to let her down by being late. I came into that session in a * of a state, but she never said anything to make me feel better that I wasn't a completely worthless individual for being late.

Aside from that kind of thing she would never admit the abuse actually took place. She would say things like, 'oh your mother must have cared about you deeply'. I told her that that was complete rubbbish and that my mother never gave a damn about me.

Before I'd started seeing her my memories from childhood were coming back, but as soon as I started seeing her, they stopped. It was like everyhing was arrested in my recovery.

Last night I worked out that I'd met her a few years before and she'd met my mother. I'd met her quite a few times in fact and on every occasion my mother was there. I now realise why she wouldn't admit that the abuse ever took place. It was because she'd met my mother and thought she was great and the abuse was all in my head. Such is the power of the narcissist to make everyone believe they're a fantastic person.Obviously, I subconsciously remembered her name and was drawn to her when I was first seeking a therapist. That is scary.

What I'm wondering is, shouldn't she have told me we'd met before? I'm incredulous that she didn't. Surely it was unethical of her to treat me? I mean, she was unfairly biased.

The whole thing has shot me to pieces anyway and I don't want to look for another T in case the same thing happens again. I'm also becoming highly paranoid again and am now thinking that maybe my T was coluding and in contact with my mother. This is awful.

Hi all,

I'm sorry if this issue has already been raised, but I tried searching and couldn't find a reference to it.

I was just wondering how people stop their EF's? I've tried the Pete Walker steps to managing a FB many times, but it doesn't seem to do much good.

The only thing that seems to work for me is finding out what triggered the particular one I'm in. For instance, I was in an extended one for days and until just now when I worked out that it was the anniversary of a certain event that triggered my CPTSD, it wouldn't stop. It was actualy THE event that triggered my CPTSD.

Since March when all my memories returned my life has been *. I'm just in continual FB's and only seem to get a bit of resbite, like a day or a few hours, inbetween each one. Everything seems to trigger them. Is this normal? I can't do anything it seems. Like for instance, I've been reading Harry Potter, on the fifth book and the end was really sad and it's launched me into yet another flashback to abandonment.

I can't even offer the wonderful people here support because I can barely breath most of the time. I stopped coming to this site for quite a while because I just froze, but I need to hear from the people who understand.

My SO is sitting opposite me now but he's busy and I promised I'd not mention this today and I don't want to break my promise.

I'm doing everything I can. Seeing a T, reading the Pete Walker book, meditating, learning about mindfulness, but none of it seems to be getting me anywhere.

I've lost so much weight since this all started, and I'm losing more. I'm worried about that and the bruises I'm covered in that I don't remember getting. It's just all too much.

Will it ever get a bit better? Will I ever learn to cope? I just feel like I should be making progress, but things seem to be getting worse all the time.

Thanks for reading.  to you all.

Hi all,

So I thought I'd try a new T, so went for my first session with her today. I already have a T who I've seen about five times, but this new one was cheaper, so I thought I'd give her a try as the first session was free. Well, she actually told me that she no longer offers free first consultations, but that's not true because it still says so on her internet page.

Anyway, when I started going through my childhood she audibly gasped several times, shaking her head etc. She then said that mine was the worst case of emotional abuse she'd ever heard of. Shen can't have heard of much surely!? I told her that her saying that wasn't at all helpful because it made me feel like my case is hopeless. It also felt like she was sensationalizing my case and I had the distinct impression that my history would make a great topic of conversation for her at dinner parties! She also said that I sounded like I had a breathing illness, which has now made me worry because I used to smoke.

This was bad therapy, right? I mean a therapist isn't supposed to make their feelings known one way or the other are they? Plus she said I'd feel much better in only 6-12 sessions, but this type of thing takes years, doesn't it?

The whole thing has sent me into a FB anyway. I'm FBing to a time when I couldn't stand up for myself.

All I keep thinking is, why was I so stupid to try a new T when I've already got a good one, even if she is a bit more expensive? I'm definitely sticking with my old T, although at this point I feel like throwing the towel in.

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry for disappearing. I froze and didn't want to feel the pain, so stopped coming on here. I wanted you all to know I'm sorry and I know that I need to be here in order to heal, so am jumping right back in.

Apologies to you all.

I saw my T for the first time yesterday, and although it was really hard it, helped so much. But today my Dad, who lives a few blocks away stopped my H in the street and said about how everyone had been trying to contact me, unsuccessfully. When I heard about this I went into meltdown. I said to my H, 'was he doing his hurt, deep eye routine?' and my H said yes. That's the way he used to look at me when I'd done bad stuff in my childhood, but I don't know if it was real because my M was the one who was my abuser and she put on an act in front of him. I did tell him when I was young, but he didn't believe me because of the act she put on when he was there. But I don't know if his hurt was ever real. This is cracking me up! I want to tell him I'll always love him, but I know he'll never believe that I've been repressing the memories for all these years. I don't know what to do. I just want someone to tell me. Thanks for reading.

I just had a FB to a time after I moved away from home. I'd moved away with my ex-boyfriend. I remember how he kept telling me how bad my home life had been and he then tried to get me help. Soon after, I started seeing a new guy, who is now my husband. I remember my ex kept saying how the only reason I was seeing the new guy was because of the fact he was trying to get me help. I refused to believe what he was saying. This is awful. This means my relationship with my H only started because I was running from the truth. I feel so much shame. My FB's keep getting worse. Has a similar thing happened to anyone? Thanks so much for reading.

I don't know what to do anymore. It feels like I'm having one continual FB. Everything is a trigger. For instance, I was just ordering a pizza there and one of the toppings I normally get triggered a FB. I had to abandon getting the normal topping and go for something else.

More than that though, I don't know who I am anymore. Like for instance I got another topping on the pizza that my husband likes. I don't even know if I like it. And the music I was just about to put on, I don't know if I really like it or I just thought I did because I knew it would make him happy. I feel like I'm going crazy. I have no idea who I am anymore.

I'm reading the Pete Walker book to help me through the FB'S, but as soon as I get over the anger I feel nothing and I want to feel the pain. I want to grieve, but I can't seem to at the minute.

I'm seeing a therapist next week, but how on earth do I cope until then? The therapist is days away.

Thank you for reading this.

Hi everyone,

I'm really nervous about posting here, but I need help and I'm desperate to know I'm not alone.

I'm 32 and a number of days ago I realised everything that's been going on with mother and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm in * at the moment. Throughout the last week through unearthing more and more information I have come to the conclusion that I have CPTSD. Every second I've been awake I've been researching this, I can't seem to stop. I'm having a lot of flashbacks and a million things that happened in my life finally make sense. Not to mention the feelings of inadequacy make sense, the huge amounts of guilt and most of all the fear. Fear is killing me right now. For example, I became ill five years ago and I'm still ill. The cause has never been known, but now I know it's somatic.

I'm seeing a therapist next week, so that's covered, but in the meantime, how do I cope?

The thing is, I'm driving my amazing husband absolutely mad with all this and he can't take it anymore. It's been constant for days. I sat up until the early hours of the morning because I was too frightened to go to sleep. My mother lives a couple of blocks away from me and I keep thinking she'll come over.  I've put locks in place, but it's not enough.

I keep sensing there are worse memories to come and that scares me to death. Can I even trust my memories? I don't know.

I can't seem to find the exact information I really need about one specific thing. I keep looking for it over and over. What it is, is that she's been a constant in my life for its entirety, but yet I had this almost eureka moment last week and everything has come tumbling down and culminated in these worsening flashbacks. I want to know if anyone else has had this crazy, like clarifying moment where everything makes sense. I knew something was wrong for years, so have I been in denial? Has she groomed me? It seems I've had some dissociative state for a crazy amount of years and I'm going mad thinking how have I been so blind.

Please help me, I can't go through another night like last night.