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Topics - Snookiebookie

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Overload
« on: February 21, 2019, 06:22:47 PM »
Just need to say this somewhere.

It's been a challenging week.  I've had a couple of meetings, which mean I've had to squash in the same amount of work in the less hours. And actually I've seemed to have slightly more work than usual this week.

I've done extra hours to try and avoid my work mounting up, as that would trigger me. But I think I've actually triggered myself by doing too much. Also I've felt frustrated that I still don't seem to have kept on top of my work despite all of the extra effort. So my perfectionism had run riot. And for the first time in ages the self criticism had gotten out of hand. It never goes away, but currently the inner critic is relentless and cruel.

I've felt threatened by a work colleague. I was employed to take on a certain task from him, so he can focus on his 'proper' job, but he clearly doesn't want to completely let go. He keeps trying to stay involved.  He's spoken to his boss about the both of us drafting a document with information of how we do my job. So he 'doesn't forget' how to do it.

Then a few of us were trained by an external person.  So my social anxiety was triggered, but I held my own at the time. Another colleague mentioned that she wanted to learn my job (and has said this before). So now I feel threatened by two people.  Although I know that this may come to nothing.

Then I was talking to a colleague about children. I explained how this school holiday was the first that we hadn't had upheaval at home. This lead me to explain, slowly, about the issues between my mum, me and my daughter.

My mum left my domestically violent father when I was 16. And whilst we still had a relationship up until her death (when I was 45), she clearly put herself first.

She never made time for me. She never sought me out. If I didn't visit her, she wouldn't visit me. She could be very critical of me, especially of my appearance and clothes. She seemed more interested in what others thought, in getting approval. If I did something different, or something that she didn't approval she would be scathing.

When my daughter was born, I was surprised how often I saw her.  Eventually, and slowly I was convinced to allow my daughter to spend more and more time with her and her partner. My husband wasn't very supportive, so at first I saw it as a chance to have a rest. This continued until she was staying with them from Friday tea time till Sunday tea. If I objected I got shouted at.... And that's when I became the scapegoat.

After a while I was cast a nasty tempered mother. She'd openly criticise me in front of anyone. I got to the point where I daren't speak.

My mother would do anything to ensure my daughter loved her more than me.

When I was speaking to my colleague, she was shocked at the brief information I gave and impressed at how well I've done.  But it's brought it all back.  I have processed it all in therapy, but I'm struggling with understand why she would be like that with me.

In the two years since my mum has gone I've worked very hard to unpick what she did. I've slowly had to change my family's opinions of me.

Today has reminded me how dysfunctional my life has been, and how dysfunctional or "unnormal" I am. I avoid and keep people at a distance. Partly due to fear of being hurt again, partly because I just don't know how to function "normally".

And this brings me to final trigger. I'm coming to the end of therapy. My therapist has had to support me less and less. Mostly I'm moaning about "day to day life problems".  She's said that I'm using her as a comfort blanket.

I'm clearly feeling dysregulated at the moment. I'm waiting for this to pass.

Thanks for reading.

SB x

Books & Articles / Self Compassion book
« on: February 17, 2019, 12:50:50 PM »
I'm keen to develop self compassion. I really think it's the missing piece for me.

The big problem is I just don't know HOW to be self compassionate. I know WHAT it is. I UNDERSTAND how it works and why it's valuable and WHY it works. But I'm so programmed not to be kind to myself.

I've tried Kristen Jeff's book but found it too long and wordy.

Can anyone help recommend a self compassion book (or even an article, blog or website).

I've made lots of progress through therapy (which is coming to an end), but I'm struggling with self esteem due to the internalised voices (mainly my parents). Also I've noticed that I'm comparing myself to others and seeing them as threats.  I really think practicing self compassion would help. I'm keen to start before therapy ends.

Thank you.

SB x  :cheer:

General Discussion / Talking to myself...out loud
« on: December 08, 2018, 01:34:19 PM »

I'm mid forties, and for as long as I can remember I've talked out loud to myself. 

It's becoming a problem, as quite a few times, people have caught me.  However, I'm usually very animated or angry, so it looks like I'm crazy.

It varies from talking myself through a task to ruminating, to full on arguing with someone who isn't there, to me telling/reliving events as if there's someone listening. 

I don't mind when I do it when I'm alone at home. But I'm so unaware of doing it, that I have found myself doing at work or in the street. 

It often generates emotions, so I can cry, raise my voice or gesture with my hands.

I think I do it because I don't feel listened to.  Also because I feel lonely. And because I feel powerless. This is how I justify myself. This is how I win the arguement. This is how I understand the world. It's where I formulate my point of view. It's a coping strategy.

Like I say, it's happening more frequently and I'm so used to doing it that I'm doing it and people are catching me. This is so embarrassing when it's someone who knows me.

So how to stop it? How do I cut down on doing it?  What do I do instead, in its place? I'm conscious that it's serving some kind of purpose, so I'd like to have some tactic to put in its place.

Anyone else relate?

Any ideas.

Thanks x

General Discussion / Just feeling.... well....uggh
« on: November 12, 2018, 03:06:54 PM »
I'm feeling a bit...well...uggh at the moment.

I am having lots of negative thoughts.  I just feel that because I am so, well scared all of the time, I don't tend to connect with work colleagues and acquaintances.  This means they don't try to get to know me.  I don't get invites or offers.  It makes me feel so bad.

I know that this is because they think I am not interested or don't make the effort with them.  But I crave being wanted and loved.

No one is out and out nasty to me.  But no one really wants to spend time with me.  No one seeks me out.   I'm okay but no-one thinks I am great.  This has happened over and over.  I've had lots of relationships were I am okay, but that's it. 

On top of that I have noticed that I am really triggered when things are not perfect.  And it has just hit me that this doesn't have to be down to me. 

In my new job, I am coming across lots of things that are wrong, mistakes or just plain aren't right.  This has made me feel very very tense.  I KNOW none of those are down to me, but I am still just as  triggered by it though!  Which is really tiring.   :doh:

And this morning, for no reason at all, I feel really tearful and upset.  I really just want to crawl under my duvet and never come out again.   :stars:

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Two steps forward, three steps back
« on: November 08, 2018, 08:46:15 PM »
I had the best counselling session yesterday.  My therapist was  visibly moved by my progress, and told me so.

But today, my daughter called me out on something. She was doing it to purposely make feel bad.  I told her to back off because she'd hit a sore spot and she made me feel worse.

So feeling fed up at the ups and downs.  Seems no point in making progress,  if  all that's gonna happen is that I'm gonna fall back.

My daughter feels just like my mum. She just is able to find my weak spot

Hi all

I've suffered different forms of abuse from different people, different situations. Hence having C-PTSD.

I've had lots of therapy and treatment over the years and never been diagnosed.

I've been having therapy for over a year and slowly I'm accepting that I've been repeatedly traumatised.   I've used the phrase PSTD with my therapist and she accepts that it's a good description. 

I'm starting to accept this narrative.  I've come to some startling realisations. I was scapegoated.  Also that I'm allowed to feel disappointed in, and let down by my loved ones.  These are very liberating to me.

My mother probably caused the most emotional damage. And it's been hard to deal with the things she did and said. But through talking things through I realise how badly she made me feel.

But this last week I remembered two occasions when she was nice.  This has sent me in a tail spin. It doesn't fit into the narrative.  Am I wrong about her?Am I just focusing on the bad things and ignoring the good? Or is this just my mum's internalized voice trying to confuse me  :stars:

Thanks for any  comments you leave

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Fed up
« on: October 19, 2018, 03:27:49 PM »

Feeling under pressure and threatened

I changed job recently. It was a gruelling interview, and I couldn't seem to say the right thing.  They wanted someone to deal with all sorts of billing.  They even mentioned training me on the difficult billing and me meeting the companies who supply us with the work, as a bit of marketing - to show how efficient were are.

Despite having a terrible interview, I got the job.  Being very unhappy at my job, I jumped at the chance.

On my first day, the guy that was training me, was rushing. So, I kept asking that he slow down and let me do the work on the computer (I find that I remember things better).  He just kept on.  Thankfully, the next day someone else trained me  - and I picked it up really well.

Since then, the guy who trained me on day one is the only one who has trained me (he's the only one who knows that information).  I find him very snooty, and reluctant to give information.  Sometimes, I need to ask three or four questions to get the full story, he doesn't volunteer information readily.

A few weeks ago, this guy said that he was going to do the difficult bills.  So I spoke to my team leader. She agreed that as far as she was aware, I was supposed to be doing them.

It's taken a few weeks, but its been decided that he is to do this difficult work.  This really triggered me: feeling passed over, inadequate and powerless. However, I reasoned that I didn't really ever l want the responsibility, especially as I can make mistakes and I'm phobic of mistakes.

What made it worse, is that three or four of the other tasks are already dealt with by other people. So I spoke to my team leader to point this out.   I wanted it to be reflected in my training record. I don't want to be criticised at appraisal time. I pointed out that the job had changed/shrunk from what was discussed at the interview. She said as long as I was happy, then she I'd happy with what I'm doing.  And if I run out of work, she'd find me more work.

Then today, a colleague, who does a different type of billing, referred to when she was going to learn my kind of billing.  Also referred to another task that I thought I was going to be doing.  I feel fed up.  Everyone seems to be wanting a piece of my job.

It's passed my probationary period, but I've not yet had my review. My team leader is now on maternity leave. So it's not possible to speak with her.  I can raise it with her cover, but she'll not know much as she's only been here a few weeks.

On top of all this, I'm making mistakes. I'm petrified they'll sack me. Most are simple ones - g typos, wrong dates, not noticing stuff.   These things I can correct.  But I've made a couple of errors that have been spotted.  So I'm worried that someone is going to tell me off. That'd be quite triggering.

I try not to rush, but I there is an extensive backlog, that was there when I started the job.  I try and check everything, but I'm still making a few mistakes.  I try and say to myself that compared to the work that I do, it's a low amount.  But I just feel that I can't do right for doing wrong.  My memory is terrible. Because I feel so emotional and wound up, I'm finding it hard to focus.

I've spoken to my husband, and he thinks I'm over reacting.  But I feel that wherever I work, I will be manipulated, walked over, inner appreciated, bullied.  Also, that no matter what I do, I'm make mistakes, which trigger me, and made people think I'm incompetent and can't be trusted with any responsibility. 

Given previous bad experiences, I'm sensitive and go into freeze mode.  I then either fester, it deal with the situation badly - looking like I'm over semi-emotional, highly stung or irrational.  Add usually this ends with me not getting what I want, because I look like I can't cope.

Sorry for the ramble, I'm not feeling very logical at the moment. 

I'm feeling like I'm constantly hyperaroused all the time. 

Hi all

I've come here, mainly, to vent.

I've been struggling for about 10 days with a really intense bout of shame.  It's just sitting there making me feel bad and very, very raw inside.

I tend to feel shameful very easily anyway, but every so often it gets to this level.   

This bout has been triggered by my new job.  Everyone is younger than me, so I feel a little insecure about my age.  I clearly don't fit in the same way as everyone else.   And why would I? I'm at least 15 years older than everyone.  I keep telling myself that it's okay. But slowly being on the outside had gotten to me.

The unsettled feeling had grown.  And given I have zero self confidence it's hard to balance the negative feelings.  And then the internalized voice of my mother kicks off.

My mum was always obsessed with how we looked.  She used to criticize me.  I dressed badly. I was overweight. I wasn't stylish.  I had terrible posture, and she used to call me names to urge me to correct this.  I felt lousy about myself.

I've never really liked clothes.  I was more off a rock chick or a goth.  I wasn't allowed to be like that.  It was stupid or childish.  But I really liked it, but felt ashamed to be myself. 

I never know what I should be, how I should dress.  I never seem to have enough clothes, or the right clothes. 

I did try discussing this in therapy this week.  She was somewhat helpful. Suggesting that because I've never been myself then that's where the conflict is.  That once I'm comfortable with myself, then the shame will go.

I kinda understand what she is saying, but I didn't feel that she helped me deal with the shame really.

I really, really do feel ashamed of being me.  This is from childhood (thanks to my violent and aggressive borderline father) and from adulthood (thanks to an emotionally unavailable overbearing and deeply judgmental mother).

I find it hard to be myself, mainly due to the voice from my mother (who passed away two years ago).  How do I break free from that voice? How do I deal when other people when they sound like her?

I do journal. I keep a note of successes, of positives and things I achieve. This usually keeps the anxiety at bay.  I also keep note if things that I approve about myself. This is an attempt to self validate.But at the moment the shame is winning.

I've also noticed that in craving attention.  This is because I'm so desperate for approval. I've even thought about making contact with old acquaintances - people who would probably be unhealthy to be around. There are reasons that I cut them off before, they were negative for me.. But I'm feeling so low, that they seen appealing now. 

Thanks for listening

General Discussion / Scapegoat
« on: August 24, 2018, 06:15:04 AM »

I have just stumbled across this term: scapegoating.   It's a revelation.  It makes so much sense to me that this is what my family did to me!!

Does anyone else have experience of this? 

Following my mother's death and work I've done over the last few years,  this happens less often.  However,  how do I heal and recover from this.

Many thanks

General Discussion / Inner Critic....Whilst I sleep
« on: August 16, 2018, 06:59:02 AM »

I've never really had true nightmares. Not the kind where you're reliving a situation or horrible event. I do get allegorical or symbolic dreams. Where the events are similar to past experiences.  So, there'll be lots of rejection and abandonment and things related to my emotional abuse.  The worse thing about these dreams is the underlying emotions and messages about me.  Thankfully they don't happen often.

What I've found is happening a lot recently is that in the early hours I'm half waking up with my brain racing. I'm having intrusive thoughts/automatic negative thoughts.  It's like my inner critic has been at work whilst my conscious mind has been asleep. Does that make sense?

What makes it worse is at that time of day you are at your least rational.  I call it "4 o'clock in the morning thinking".  I assume it's because your hormones are at a low ebb and your brain functions differently, but everything seems differently at that hour.  I've often ruminated myself senseless at that time of day, only for things to be totally different in the morning when I'm much more rational.

What is happening is I'm going about my day and feeling okay. It's pretty challenging with my new job and all those new interactions.  I'm keeping my positive journal and recording my successes and achievements.  And generally doing ok.

But during the night my inner critic is seeing things differently and when I stir I'm finding it difficult to deal with the things they tell me.  This leads to a disturbed two or three hours. And I'm very anxious in the first few hours of the day.

Last night I tried telling the inner critic that they are brutal at that time of day.  I tried shifting my focus by counting my breaths.  Eventually I went back to sleep.

This has only happened sporadically before but Is happening frequently with my new job. I obviously feel threatened and inadequate.

But how to silence the inner citric when it's happening whilst I'm asleep?

Many thanks

General Discussion / Myers Briggs - any other INFJs here?
« on: August 15, 2018, 05:04:34 PM »

Just curious, are there any other INFJs on the forum?

For those that don't know, this one of the categories in the Myers Briggs (personality) Type Indicator.  There are four categories and two types in each category. So there are a possible of 16 combinations.

I've taken on line tests several times and always come out as INFJ. Tests and explanations of each category can be found on the net.

I'm not sure how accurate or relevant the test is. But I do seem to fit the INFJ category quite well. And I've wondered if that's the way my experiences have shaped me rather than some inherent personality type.

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Ramblings and ruminations
« on: July 28, 2018, 04:38:50 PM »

I've been feeling the ruminations building for a few days.  I'd done a pretty decent job of acknowledging that my thoughts had gone in to overdrive and managed to ignore them.

But yesterday they came crashing in.  I'm fat. I'm old. I'may ugly. I'm too proud and bigheaded.   Etc.......

I just felt unworthy.   A bad person.

I carried on about my day but acknowledged that this was my conditioning coming out.

Then my teenage daughter, who has been testing me for a week, triggered me.  She made me feel like I was worthless and so I lost my temper and shouted at her.  She (obviously) shouted back at me.  And so it escalated into a scene.

I walked away.   I thought I'd bring my husband in, for a family meeting.   I tried talking calming to be greeted by immense attitude, anger and resentment from her.   This made me feel worse. But then I saw my husband was clearly not interested - not looking at us and wondering around the room looking at nothing in particular.   That was it! I felt totally worthless.

I turned on my husband.   He retaliated.   Then my husband and my daughter both started to shout at me and argue me down.   They would not listen. I felt unloved and unlovable.   

I stormed out but returned.  My husband apologised.   I tried to explain that I need him to back me up but he just wants to shut me up so he can avoid confrontation.   He looked crushed. I felt like I'd bullied him and my daughter.  I felt like I'd acted irrationally and that no one understood me. I felt like I was manipulative.  In short I felt like I was someone with BPD. I felt like I'd acted like a mad-man. Or worse like my dad.

In the end the whole thing lasted less than an hour.  But it's preyed on my mind since. 

I've had flashbacks to other upsetting times.   It's reminded me of how unsupported I feel.  Of the times I've been disappointed, passed over or rejected.  It sucks

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Feeling disconnected
« on: July 17, 2018, 06:57:30 AM »
It's just got me.  :stars:

I'm getting overwhelmed. My new job....

I had a vivid dream last night about my new job. Everyone was getting along well without me. They all knew what to do. They were all gathered in the  canteen for coffee, and in the dream I didn't even know we had a canteen [in the real world we don't have a canteen].  The feelings I had in this dream we're overwhelming...sadness, loneliness, and feeling a failure.  The feelings are still with me.

I think it's just hitting me that I've left familiar surroundings - although they were unhappy surroundings.  I feel all at sea, hence the dream.  My world had changed so much in two years, and I've lost so many connections. And whilst most of those connections were toxic it's disorienting at the moment to feel so isolated and exposed.

General Discussion / Self administered EMDR
« on: July 16, 2018, 01:36:15 PM »
Hi  :cheer:

I have a feeling this question may divide opinion.   :aaauuugh:

Is it possible to administer EMDR to yourself at home?

There are couple of reasons I ask. Firstly, because I would like a way of calming myself and getting rid of that angst that can build through the day.  I think if I could do that, and diffuse the pain before it becomes stored as additional trauma that would be good.   

I had EMDR during integrated therapy about four years ago.  That lady seemingly no longer practices.  I am having therapy at the moment and have been seeing this lady for almost a year.  She does not do EMDR.  I don't really want to have treatment from two people - because I can't really afford two fees.  I don't feel like swapping my current therapist as I am just building my relationship with her.  Starting from scratch with someone else for treatment is very hard work. Therefore, if I could use techniques at home that would help, that would be great.

When I had EMDR before, she used theratappers - little devices that you hold in your hand that buzz from one hand to the other.  It was quite, well, therapeutic.  I really found that they soothed me.  I even thought about buying myself some -  but they were over 100.  The therapist suggested that I do tapping instead (kind of like emotional freedom technique). 

I wondered if I took 5 or 10 minutes each day and did the tapping (by gently tapping on my collarbone in a slow and alternating pattern) if that would help.  I know someone who had EMDR and he used to simply tap her shoulders in a slow alternating pattern, instead of using a pendulum, theratappers or a moving light etc. So my method would be similar.   

For anyone who is concerned that I would not be supervised by an expert......I would not be processing any deep trauma, just the tension that has build through the day.   I would intend to leave my deep trauma to my counselling sessions.  As I said before this is to stop the tension building and overwhelming me.  I also thought it may stop me ruminating on the events of the day.

Does anyone else have any ideas or thoughts.

Thanks for your time.

Snookie  :wave:

General Discussion / Trauma specialist?
« on: July 12, 2018, 06:09:10 AM »

I've had loads of therapy over the years.  Some private and some on NHS. 

I've never had a diagnosis  (which is something I'm obsessed about tbh  but I've already posted about that).  The NHS discharged me saying my anxiety and low mood were cause by life experiences.   My T constantly refers to the experiences of rejection and abandonment I've had. But no diagnosis.

My T is person centred/humanistic/relational.  She's helped....and lots.   But  I often find she looks bored and tends not to say much.  And she's moved myou appointment twice and cancel the lastest one (so that's messed my last three appointments).

I've looked for a trauma therapist in my area. But can't find anyone who deals with c-ptsd. They do ptsd or "trauma" but that's quite vague.

I'm in Leeds UK.  Anyone got any recommendations?   The NHS discharged me and given the amount of treatment I've had they are unlikely to offer any more.

Is there any benefit to seeing a c-ptsd therapist. What can they offer that my current T can't?

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