I recently had an appointment with my now, only doctor, my psychiatrist. I was relaying to him my problems with sleeping. Basically, that I get anxiety at night and wake very easily and can't go back to sleep. He started to probe me slightly as to whether anything traumatic had happened to me. I did mention, I thought it relevant, that my father did not let us sleep very often. Nights were always chaos and filled with being awoken many times by my dad. It wasn't every night, and some were certainly worse than others, but I would say at least half the time, if not more. I stressed that it wasn't a matter of waking you up once, it was often many times a night. I didn't go into much detail with him, and he likewise didn't ask. He seemed to think it had a lot to do with my current sleep issue. He repeated several times how traumatic that is to have gone through; I vaguely agreed and then changed the subject.
I have a difficult time with the label of being a traumatized person. It seems to denote someone who needs help, or is in some way damaged. I admit that I could fit that criteria, and yet I am repulsed by it. I prefer people not to look at me too closely, I prefer to stay in the background. I am very uncomfortable with people being sympathetic towards me, and I suppose that is why I feel so strange admitting these things to him. I typically like to speak to my psychiatrist about ideas and concepts, and he seems to like that as well. I've actually been his patient for something like twelve or thirteen years! As a psychiatrist, I kind of felt that I just needed to relay certain symptoms with him, rather than the cause of those symptoms.
I felt there was nothing he could actually do for me in the end. I spoke with him, and he can't write me scripts forever for sleep medications that are ultimately addictive (I have a history of being addicted). My problems with sleep are more lifelong. He knows I use cannabis and suggested looking there for a sleep aid. He couldn't really offer any solutions for me. I am ultimately left to deal with it myself, and it does increasingly feel like a lifelong problem for me, which might never be solved. I'm starting to believe my brain was damaged by the constant startle response from being awoken and scared so often. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself for the rest of my life, we all need sleep...I guess it's just never going to be easy for me.
I have a difficult time with the label of being a traumatized person. It seems to denote someone who needs help, or is in some way damaged. I admit that I could fit that criteria, and yet I am repulsed by it. I prefer people not to look at me too closely, I prefer to stay in the background. I am very uncomfortable with people being sympathetic towards me, and I suppose that is why I feel so strange admitting these things to him. I typically like to speak to my psychiatrist about ideas and concepts, and he seems to like that as well. I've actually been his patient for something like twelve or thirteen years! As a psychiatrist, I kind of felt that I just needed to relay certain symptoms with him, rather than the cause of those symptoms.
I felt there was nothing he could actually do for me in the end. I spoke with him, and he can't write me scripts forever for sleep medications that are ultimately addictive (I have a history of being addicted). My problems with sleep are more lifelong. He knows I use cannabis and suggested looking there for a sleep aid. He couldn't really offer any solutions for me. I am ultimately left to deal with it myself, and it does increasingly feel like a lifelong problem for me, which might never be solved. I'm starting to believe my brain was damaged by the constant startle response from being awoken and scared so often. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself for the rest of my life, we all need sleep...I guess it's just never going to be easy for me.