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[This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.]

Random thread idea, something to help myself and I'm hoping may help others too. Many times when I'm at a low point I'll question my abuse and whether it was real or not, either from gaslighting or memory problems. So the idea of this thread is to simply write a few dot points of what abuse you've experienced, evidence of it  (if you wish) so your inner critic or whoever can't argue against it - stuff to read as a reminder to yourself whenever you feel you are confused or doubting.

This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.

To Self, do not undermine your experiences or doubt your trauma. You...
- Were physically punished for the majority of your childhood, and that is proved by your learned reaction to flinch at all and any sudden movements as a means to protect yourself.
- Had your Fawn tendencies used against you by your ex-fiance, who every day made you do things you didn't want to do, and who would make you feel bad whenever you were upset because you were 'hurting' him.
- Were put into an arranged-marriage by your FOO and ex-fiance who wanted to ensure you would 'be successful' and 'bear grandchildren for your parents'. You were proposed to in a public area making it harder to say 'no' as you didn't want to disappoint everyone around you. You have proof of this from the time your best friend contacted a lawyer and she herself said that your situation was wrong.
- Were raped by your ex-fiance, who even when told by you that you didn't want to take part in any sexual activity, kept pestering and telling you how 'you always change your mind'.
- Are in therapy at the moment, with someone who has diagnosed you with depression, anxiety, and CPTSD.
- Were constantly neglected emotionally and food-wise, being scolded whenever you shared your opinion, being told you're a liar when you were telling the truth, etc. The lack of food can be proven from when you got a job just to have enough money to feed yourself each day.
- Were promised that 'it would be okay' but found yourself being locked in a room with no outside interaction and no track of time for an unknown amount of hours/(day(s)?). There you were questioned, lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted.

Editing your posts is encouraged if you ever wish to add more to your list. Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but I know it'll certainly help me, so that matters something.

So this was just a curious thought of mine - that is COMPLETELY non-compulsory by the way, you can take part or not if you'd like. But I see a lot of people afraid they're alone here because of their age, they may believe they're too old or too young? Well I know for certain there's people here of all ages and I'm interested to see exactly which ones are more prominent and also hope that the poll will encourage others to speak up and feel less alone. CPTSD affects people of all ages, I believe. And it's a good thing to remember.

To the mods, if this poll is a little too personal or intrusive or whatever, feel free to remove it. Haha, or move the topic if it's in the wrong place. My curious desire for statistics can get the better of me sometimes.

Hello, I'm back for a topic. I've been super duper busy with IRL things, working a LOT, saving as much money as I can. Also been paying for doctor appointments, still seeing my therapist, and making great progress I think. Good news; I'm moving out in January. That's it, that's what I've decided. It WILL happen.

So far this is my plan:
- In December I will look for places to rent and contact an agent when I find an appropriate place to live. I will get it all set up prior to actually moving in, which involves getting the electricity and internet working.
- When I'm ready, some day in January after New Year's, I'll hire some guys to help me pack my furniture and take it to my new place. I'll do it whilst my FOO is out, and hopefully it will all be done in about two hours.
- As I leave the old house, I'll leave a letter to my FOO. What it will say, I have NO clue. I'm still thinking about that one. Everytime I think of what I might say I feel scared, like... I'll be saying things to my FOO I've never been allowed to say before, basically declaring my independence from them. I want to say; "Don't try to contact me", but thinking of saying that makes me scared, scared I'll be punished. But of course, they wouldn't be able to do that - I'll be living in my own place.
- Once I'm settled in my new house, I'll go about changing my address with my bank, medicare, etc. I'll also ditch my Facebook account, and any internet profile my FOO may be able to contact me with.
- And then when that's all done, I'll get a name change. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and the more I think about it the more excited I get. I'm not changing my name just because I hate my current name, I'm changing it so nobody who knew me will find me.

So what I'm asking for is just basic advice...
- Advice on renting a place? Things to look out for? And how does the process of renting a house roughly work? What kind of paperwork do I need to fill? How long does it take for it to all get sorted out?
- I've been contemplating whether telling the police that I'm going no-contact with my relatives/friends. My FOO is very over-controlling and I'm quite sure they'll try to get the police to find me when I'm gone. So is it possible to tell the police that I don't wish to be found? That, as an above 18 year old (independent adult), I wish to live at a secret address? Or is that not a thing I can do? The last thing I want is the police showing up at my door, or my FOO. Ugh.
- Any advice on what I should tell my FOO in the letter? I'm really lost. I'm so scared but excited at the same time.
- Should I change my last name whilst I change my first name? Can people find you easily by your surname? I'm not sure. I'm quite apathetic about my last name so I haven't really thought of changing it. But I should probably change it... just to be very sure nobody will find me.
- Is there a chance my request for a name change might not be 'good enough'? I'll plan to write as my reasoning something along the lines of; "I don't want to be contacted or found by my abusers", and I'm thinking I could get a letter from my therapist in support of this. I hope it's a good enough reason...

I'm really excited about it all. Like, when I think of it, I actually feel rather hopeful for once... that I feel everything will be okay. I'm scared, but also full of adrenaline... just the thought of walking out of my FOO's house... and never coming back... it will be like a huge weight off my shoulder, I'm sure. And I'm hoping when I'm living on my own, I'll stop having these reoccurring nightmares... the feelings of being trapped, not being able to run away. I want to feel free, want to feel like my own person.

I'm going no contact, leaving everything behind, because I'm sure nothing will change. Even if it does, I'm sure it won't change for a while. When one problem disappears, another shows. My father isn't as physically abusive as he was, but now my parents seem to enjoy taking money from me, saying I owe them when I don't. They also want me to pay for my own flight to my sister's wedding on the other side of the country, someone I don't care about, a wedding I don't care about, a family I don't care about. (And I'm still terrified of airports and flying from a bad past experience) They say I have to go, everyone says I have to go. But I'm not going to lol, they can go shove off. It's okay if they disown me for it, I'll be under a new name and identity anyway so it won't matter.

Anyway, any advice or any reply at all would be so very much appreciated. I only have one real clean shot at this I think, so I have to get it perfect - or at least close to it.
Thank you for reading. ^^

Have been randomly curious over the past few days of others' experience with Depression if you've had it or not.
From what I know (feel free to add any more types I haven't listed), there is:
- Major Depressive Disorder
- Bipolar Disorder
- Seasonal Affective Disorder
- Psychotic Depression
- Postpartum Depression
- Situational Depression/Trauma Depression

I'm mainly curious about the last one listed, seeing as we've all experienced some kind of trauma/big changes.

For myself, I had Situational Depression after one specific event that lasted for half a year. And so kindly it was going on when I was finishing Grade 12 which really didn't help my academic grades.
Got recommended to see a counsellor by a teacher who noticed I was very 'off', bless her heart. And whilst the counsellor wasn't really helping my depression much, it was still nice to talk to someone about the $%^&*# that was going on. Asked my M if I could see a psychologist, took her a few weeks of convincing, and another few months till the actual appointment was booked. Ended up only having three sessions with her before my mother pulled the plug on it because "You don't need it", though it was just in time for my psych to tell me I had depression.
Thankfully, Situational Depression eventually passes and I was slightly more myself at the start of this year. I can barely even remember last year. The depression thing made me feel very lonely, ended up not talking to any of my friends for months, went from sitting at the front of the class to sitting at the very very back up against the wall. I can't imagine what it's like for those who live with Major Depressive Disorder.  I could barely handle 6 months of it, let alone years and years.

So yeah, feel free to share your own experience with it, I'd be interested to know how much of us have gone through Depression/is going through it and who hasn't. Supposedly CPTSD and Depression goes hand in hand though.

For when the negative thoughts get to be a bit too much... shrouding memories, a big dark cloud in my mind... I'll have this place to think of if I ever need some peace.
Maybe I'll also have a go at drawing the interior some time, who knows.
Took a few days of on and off drawing but I like how it's turned out. ^-^ It's slightly blurred cause I need to lower the resolution for it to nicely fit the forum page. It's all good fun though. Was relaxing to draw.
Thanks Sceal for reminding me to do stuff with the "Safe Space" idea. Much appreciated. Now I'm going to go to bed, my hand hurts like crazy. Haha

I wanted to get an opinion/view point from some of you lot, hopefully you've got a better perspective on this than I do.
Basically... I had an incident at work today, manager came over to me and said a customer complained I didn't pack the bags right. Apparently you're supposed to separate a few specific items in different bags which I thought would be a waste of space but now I realize that most customers prefer high quality of packing over the low quantity of bags. Anyway, the customer supposedly said that "I told her (me) to take that pack of biscuits out and put them in another bag. But she REFUSED." Note, REFUSED. Which is a blatant lie. And I told my manager that I did NOT refuse, I took the pack out and set them on the table for the customer to place wherever she wanted them to go. I was frustrated of course by being accused of something that was untrue, but that's not really related to my actual question.

The thing is, I defended myself... I told my manager what the customer said was wrong, that I didn't refuse her at all and I told the manager what I really did. But then I got struck with an EF and I felt horribly sick for a good few hours until it finally went and I had the time to think. I eventually felt a lot more calm and I realized, thinking back to what happened, I felt #$^&*@, had that EF, because I defended myself. Subconsciously it reminded me of all the times I was being scolded by my FOO, even over things that weren't true, yet I wasn't ever allowed to defend myself or explain myself, ever give reason. I just had to "suck it up and take responsibility because that's what you'll be doing in the real world".

And now my question, is it true? Should I not have defended myself and instead just took what the manager was telling me? Or was it okay of me to actually speak out and tell her the truth? Should I have agreed with the customer and what my manager was saying? I felt really bad after defending myself, it felt wrong.
Sheesh. I feel so brainwashed, I don't know what is right or wrong. I just need someone else's perspective on this because my own feels so...  There's a part of me that says right, and a part of me says wrong. A little guidance is all I need please.

Things feel really complicated these days.
I try to meet new people but there's about a 10% chance that I'll get along with them. This forum thankfully fit the 10%, but there are a lot of online groups I'm in where I feel like I'd be less lonely without it if that makes sense.
I think I'm going to have to 'cut ties' I guess, leave the groups I'm in and refrain from searching for more (online ones at least). Essentially that means I'll be left with just my good mate, this forum, and 3 other people I can small talk to every now and then. It's not a lot at all... but being in those groups feels kind of toxic to me. I get envious of their happiness, frustrated with their jokes I don't find amusing. I think every 10th message I read is somehow related to my past and it makes me twist inside. I'm just so incredibly fussy with people, with friends, hold them to such high expectations and I hate it.

[Trigger Warning - Physical Abuse]
I had a customer yesterday who I was just kind of small-talking to. He mentioned his wife had walked off to the car forgetting he would need help carrying groceries, and he jokingly said how he'd go beat her when they get home for it. I didn't find this funny at all, but I fake-laughed because well, I can't go frowning at my customers like that.
[End]
This is a more out-there example but a lot of people I talk to in these groups do this kind of stuff, make jokes that are rather dark, sexually related, or maybe they are funny to the average person but to me it's a trigger.

I've been planning to find some social groups that are more 'physical', meetups kind of thing. I saw it mentioned somewhere here on the forum, thanks for that, looking at meetup.com. Though I'm afraid of not being able to fit into a group of what seems to be people that are 30 years and up. People my age are supposed to be "partying and drinking and having fun". And I'm here wilting away.

But I dunno, this feels like a big convoluted rant, not that I have anywhere else to spill it. :S Does anyone feel this way though? Searching for people to talk to but never finding appropriate company? I'm afraid of being so isolated from everyone like I have before in my childhood. But maybe I'll be able to cope better than I did then.

[Writer's Lounge]

Writer's Lounge - a place where we can share our writing projects (past or current), novels, ideas, experiences, and maybe even how CPTSD can affect our writing and our plots.
I don't think it should be a place to share short stories and what not, because we have the entire "Poetry and Creative Writing" section for that. This thread can just be for talking about the writing rather than the actual sharing of said writing.

For myself, I started writing when I could start typing. Though I mainly do it for fun, and have only taken one year of an actual writing class. I've actually made a novella, not really done much with it though and it needs a huge amount of editing and redrafting done. But I have an ongoing novel project, fictional piece set in medieval like times.

I'd be interested to know what kind of themes you guys write of, and I'm wondering if maybe those with CPTSD/those who have experienced trauma write things a little differently or at least are more likely to write about trauma like events. My stories have always been on the dark and heavy side, horror, fear, action. My English Writer's teacher even nicknamed me 'Little Darkling' because of all the really depressing things I was writing about haha. Oops. (And don't take that with offense on my behalf please, I actually liked that nickname very much)
For my end of year class project, I had to finish three short stories. Only one had a happy ending, and funnily enough I can't remember what it was about. The other two, one was of gore and running away. The other was my attempt at a schizophrenic's point of view. Maybe the dark themes is just me though. I'm really curious as to what kind of things you guys write about.

Thanks to Liminality and JamesG for the idea of this thread. ^-^

Ever just sit at home, all alone, breathe in some air and think; "Wow it's great to be by myself for once." Haha
I can shout and cry if I want to, swear or throw something across the room and no-one is here to say anything about it. I have probably 30 more minutes before my FOO gets back home so I'm trying to really make the most of this peace and quiet. Everything is so calm... no anxiety, no sounds. I wish moments like these could last forever.

Excuse my random happy spill.

[Trigger Warning for Thread]

So, just a thread idea. Don't know if it's a good idea or not haha, but I guess we'll see.
Every now and then I randomly get these sort of flashbacks to things my abusers/FOO/ex has said to me before. They kinda stew in my mind and it's horrible, so I thought of making a thread where you can 'unload' those things. Just a sentence or two of whatever hurt you, whatever's on your mind.

"If you're sick, you stay home and clean the whole house. If you're not going to be doing schoolwork, you might as well be doing some other work instead."
- My FOO, as caring as always... (rolls eyes)

I thought I wouldn't hurt myself again because my mentality lately has just been; "It doesn't matter what I do anyway". But I guess not. It's been at least a few months since I last self-harmed and it's unfortunate I broke that streak today. The EF seemed to hit me in all the most sensitive places and I just felt I needed some kind of punishment for being so lazy and selfish. But then of course, once the EF has passed I realize there was no real reason to be punished and now I'm just left with the marks and pain.

[Trigger Warning]
I use my nails to hurt myself because it doesn't really leave a mark compared to an actual cut with a knife. Though it's been a good few hours now and the marks are still there, so I guess I dug too deep this time. I'm worried though that they'll still be there by the time I need to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to have to worry constantly about my sleeve going up too high and showing too much of my arm. What a mess...
[End Trigger Warning]

On a random tangent; I started self harming years ago ironically from reading a book about how a teenager overcame her self harming habits. Oops. 

On the bright side of things though I'm finally being productive. Got another music composition finished and I'm drawing something to go along with it. Hopefully the motivation keeps up.

Just a curious question for ya'll. It's this kind of fact now that people with CPTSD have a little trouble with their relationships sadly, or have had trouble in the past at least.
We either pull people in, even if they are abusive, trying to please others or feeling we deserve any pain we receive from them.
Or we push people, fearful of being hurt and thus not allowing to be hurt ever again, just being overly distrustful.
So the question is basically do you push or pull? Or maybe some combination? Or maybe lucky you don't have any issues at all with relationships. If so good on you. Haha

In the past when I was completely unaware of CPTSD, I was definitely 'pulling'. I tried to do anything and everything to get attention and love, a big fawn type basically. This of course was really not good for me and I fell into more abusive traps. I was toyed with and people used my 'desire to please' to let them get their own way. I managed to get engaged with someone I didn't even love - just because I couldn't say 'no', needed to keep them happy otherwise they'd get mad/upset. :S

I found friends who helped me to understand that my relationship was not healthy. And somehow I managed to leave that relationship.
But then ever since I've found it extremely hard to date people, or even just befriend people. Now I 'push' people away. I dated two others guy, and both times I suddenly ceased contact with them. It's like, one little thing that they do spirals me into this deep well of emotions, makes me so freaking furious and I become so unpredictable and I do anything I can to avoid the pain. I suppose that's EFs for you...
Though it's concerning how a single EF can make me suddenly loathe someone. I really did fancy that one guy I dated, and we'd been friends for years. But a single EF made me hate him, and I still hate him. XD Ugh. What a mess.

Now-a-days, I've just kinda given up on the plan of ever dating someone lol. It's too hard. Haha, too much work. I'd rather just first fix and accept myself than find others who will accept broken me. But I can't imagine myself ever being 'predictable' and being an actual decent partner. I can barely handle myself let alone another person. >.>

EFs have been hitting me way too hard for my liking these days. I'm so on the edge of things, being startled by the smallest of things, so over-weary.
I keep getting to this point, so many times where I'm so sick of everything, so tired of waiting, feeling such a crippling emptiness, I just want it all to end. But I'm weak, and pathetic, and I can't do it. I've gotten so close to trying but the main thing that ever stops me is "What if my FOO finds out?". That's literally it. The only thing that keeps me alive is ironically this anxiety and fear that my parents will find out I am going to kill myself. Of course, I could avoid that happening if I do it without a trace - don't tell anyone so they can't tell my parents. But a part of me cries out for help too much and I wish it would shut up for once.

Why don't I want them to know? I don't know. My only idea is that - during the times I hate them the most, when I just want to end it all, THEN that's when they'll start actually caring. They'll start caring when I'm so fed up with them, and they'll stop me from doing it, and they'll start asking me questions.
"What did we do wrong?"
"What's the matter?"
"We never thought you needed help."
That's what they'll say, and their obliviousness and idiocy will just make me want to disappear even more. And besides, every time they've tried and 'helped', they did it for maybe a week and then forgot about it, isn't worth their time and effort. And that's fine by me. I don't want their help. I don't want anything from them.

I just don't know what to do. The emptiness hurts so bad.
I can't go to anyone, I'm too scared.
I've never called up a suicide hotline or gone into the hospital for that kind of stuff before. I'm curious as to how those things work and what they do. But I'd never try doing that stuff because my problems and suicidal tendencies probably aren't as bad as others'. I mean if I could never really go through with it (because of that fear with my FOO) then why should I go and inevitably waste their time?

[Trigger Warning Start]

So I figured I should make a personal thread for all the crap I want to spill out about my childhood. It's supposedly therapeutic to share. And it's probably good for me to figure out what my triggers are cause I'm still trying to piece those together. I'll just write whatever's been on my mind the most I suppose. I read somewhere that when you ask someone with CPTSD to talk about their past, most of the time they don't tell a life story, they simply tell you snippets and pieces of which you need to shape together yourself. I find that very true. People might ask me "what happened in your childhood" and I could start right in the middle of it all, I just seem to talk about whatever is closest to the surface of my memories, then work downwards from there till it's too dark to find anymore pieces.



I still live with my FOO and it can be so... frustrating, after so much that has happened. I'll admit, they're way better than they were before. Things have been calmer ever since my parents have been going to marriage counselling. But I can't erase from my mind the things that I felt, the things they did. My relationship with them is so tense, or at least from my POV it is. Everyone says you should respect your parents, but my unpopular opinion: No, you shouldn't respect them just because they popped out a kid. You should respect them if they can respect you, if they've actually parented you and not just neglected you and prodded you out of your shell for you to defend yourself. My parents have always been so... strange in their parenting. Apathetic about the most important things, and overly controlling over the unimportant things.

When it came to food, I was given what I was given - which wasn't a lot. I could ask for more but they simply wouldn't give it, so I'm a lot... smaller in size than other people, 45kg's to be precise. That makes me anorexic, not the disorder but the physical status. But then strangely my parents would wonder and ask me why I don't eat a lot, pressuring me to eat more. I can eat cookies for dinner and I'll be full. I guess it saves money, lol.
There was high expectations for school, so much so I wasn't allowed any sort of relationship because "It'll be too distracting". But also my parents are kind of neurotic and they didn't want me getting pregnant. >.>
And not to forget all those Sundays I was dragged to Church for something that bored me to death, surrounded by people who couldn't seem to grasp the simple concept of 'personal space'. I always felt so alien, at school and in Church, I've always been the quiet kid, always. I had only a few friends in primary school, most days though I'd just... walk around the school by myself. It would get lonely.
That's all just the icing of the cake though, really. The real * was at home.

Trigger Warning Start

It was my dad, the way he got so mad, blew up in rage, despised the smallest of things I did.
Perhaps he wanted something, so I go fetch it and bring it to him, accidentally drop it on the way - he'd immediately growl at me, use that whiny voice I loathe so freaking much. "Come on, hurry up, why are you so slow!?"
Or maybe I forgot to bring some homework back home, I'd be yelled at, explained how important it is to simply 'do your homework' like I was some kind of idiot who didn't understand common sense. "Do your homework or you won't get good grades".
At the worst of times, I would do something that irritated him so much he'd stand me in the hallway for an hour, yelling and screaming at me till I cried, crying so hard I could barely breathe. Then I'd be slapped, multiple times if he thought I needed it. And to top it all off, he'd send me to my room for the rest of the night and take away whatever entertainment I had available - usually my laptop. I didn't have a phone, wasn't allowed one until grade 10 because $%^&#! if I know. But those moments was when I would dissociate. I did it so often, I honestly can't remember what I was told off for. So of course, that means I'd make the same mistakes, and it repeated.
"Why won't you listen to me, why won't you just do what I ask of you?" Aaand dissociate. It was a self-feeding cycle that crippled me and there was nothing I could do about it. It was just my natural response, I was barely aware I was doing it. I just... went off in my own head, blocking anything and everything out.

Essentially it all turned me into a terrible child, I will confess. I lied to get out of punishment, I never told my parents anything about what went on at school or online. I was taught that if I made a mistake, I would be punished, so I turned into a perfectionist that cried over the smallest of mishaps. Whatever my dad wanted me to do, I would have to do it as quick as possible, if not, I would be told off. So I was taught to be quick in everything I do, but also not make mistakes. It was an extremely hard expectation to live up to, it's no wonder I hid so much from them.
Break a glass plate? Quick - clean it up and hope nobody noticed the smashing sound.
That's another thing, my dad would usually take his anger out on objects as well. Broken plates, cups, anything that was close by he would pick it up and throw it as hard as he possibly could against the floor. It terrified me, I could only imagine how it would feel against my skin, I was terrified one day that's what he'd do - throw a glass object at me. Thankfully that never happened. One day my parents took us all for a hiking trip. Sounds like a nice idea, huh? Well I took my DS with me to play on during the ride, and I was going to bring it with me on the hike to play on when we had our breaks from walking. Well my dad found out and he was furious, I remember so vividly how close he was to smashing it against the road, he made gestures he was going to do it, I don't know why he didn't. But that made it pretty clear to me I would need to protect my personal belongings from then now, so now not only was I hiding myself and what I did, but I was hiding my possessions from them. I hid everything... just so I wouldn't hear their abuse.

Trigger Warning End

A while back we got a dog, a German Shepherd. He was an adorable puppy, but I still don't understand why my family thought it was a good idea to get a dog. Both parents worked, me and my sister went to school, nobody could look after it. I didn't support their decision to get a dog, I knew our circumstances wouldn't be healthy for it and I was right. The lack of training... and I think all those nights of my dad yelling and throwing things, my dog became very aggressive. Anyone he didn't know he would essentially just try and bite. He didn't even know how to sit on command. My dad TRIED to train him, hit and kick my dog if he didn't sit when he should have. It's no wonder he turned out the way he did. They put him down because my parents couldn't handle him. I feel guilty in a way, I know none of it was my fault, but every now and then I think back to what life that dog could have had if we hadn't of bought it. To think of how he could have been, how he would just be alive today if it wasn't for us.

Anyway, I think that's enough typing for now. I guess, tell me if you relate to any of this, or if something I wrote reminds you of something, feel free to type that. I'm interested.

I don't know where to put this thread so I'm just slapping it here, hope that's okay. lol

Anyway, I just wanted to hear from some fellow people... have you ever felt like you 'lack' knowledge/education/intelligence, etc?
I've struggled with this for a while, just feeling so left out of conversations sometimes because what people are talking about are so... out-there to me. It could be politics, taxes, finance, anything that's really just a necessity to know but are simply things I don't know. If I wasn't taught it in school or through the internet, I don't know it. I suppose parents are supposed to be the ones who teach you about all that crap, but my parents taught me how to use a spoon, tie my shoes, and that's about it. I've had to be extremely independent, figuring things out on my own all the time. And it just feels like I'm missing so much. Heavens forbid I go and ask my parents to help me or ask them for some sort of guidance. I either get a 30 minute lecture or they don't care enough to tell me anything.
I'm supposed to be doing some 'tax return' thing but I have no idea what that is, what it's for, or what I'm supposed to do.
My ex-classmates are all talking about how they're paying bills, moving houses, just... seeming to manage their lives without any hesitation. It's not that I'm afraid to pay the bills or move houses, I just really don't know how to do all that and it's extremely frustrating. I hate having to rely on my friends so much to tell me how to do things. Some people I know would even glare at me and laugh as they say; "You don't know what this is?".
It really doesn't help with my self-esteem. I seem to be the 'idiot' that my parents say I am.
I feel really left behind... and I wish I wasn't. It feels like I have the maturity of a 25 year old but the intelligence and knowledge of a 12 year old. :\

So yeah, can anyone relate? Or DID you relate?
Cheers.

[Nightmares]

I wanted to share this, just get people's thoughts and what not. Or just give people something different to read. lol
I make a lot of music and occasionally if I want to express myself, I'll make lyrics to go along with it. I find it really interesting though - How through these songs I'd describe how I was feeling, everything that was going on and looking at it now after however many months/years, it's interesting seeing how much it seems to relate to c-ptsd, and I didn't even know I had it when I made these songs!

I don't have a recording of a sung version unfortunately, just got some fancy piano accompaniment.
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0BzAV8CDkuPvbVDgyQUdMWUJKejA/view?usp=sharing
Anyway, I hope this isn't too long. Hope you guys can relate to it in some way or another, even though a lot of it is kinda specific to my own circumstances and what not. ^^ I'm not the best songwriter, I just do it for fun!

Nightmares

I once told a lie,
told them everything was fine,
to never hear a sigh,
disappointed of what I'd say.   
I tell the truth, they hear me out,
they throw me to a mental drought.   
But then you ask me "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Listened to their spite,
told me I would be alright.
Had me answer all their questions,
knew I'd have no suggestions. But,
to feel so back-stabbed, feel so wronged,
deny a thing they so prolonged.
But then they tell me "You'll be glad" and
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

Once again I find myself in,
straining, winding, wading, blinding.
Can't you spare at least my clarity?   
Take away these thoughts for me?
Feeding nightmares, so relentless,
panting, whining, begging, crying.
Can't you leave my sanity? And
take away these memories?
Just my luck I find myself in,
fighting, grasping, pacing, shaking.
Can't you see my struggling?
My paradoxic loneliness?
Quiet times just leave me frightened,   
begging, pleading, loathing, hating.
Can't you come and please distract me?
Keep me from my thoughts forever.

I once went alone,
just to give myself a rest.
In an unfamiliar zone,
lacking any form of certainty.
I fear those clothes, I fear those lines,   
untrusting of deceitful signs.
But then you ask me; "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Tired of saying why,
why I'm left so in despise.
Why I look over the distance and count
anything that may arise.
I hate the mask of innocence that,
covers all their insolence.
But then they tell me; "You'll be glad", and
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

Once again I find myself in,
waiting, racing, hiding, looking,
Can't you see my fragileness?
My hobbies just so passionless?
Scared of sleeping, over-weary,
watching, staring, creeping, breathing,
Can't you please stop asking me,
Why I might ask to be set free.
Nightmares shown to real occasions,   
piercing, rocking, stealing, breaking,
Can't you wait for my adjustment,
Understand why I'm so angry.
Quiet times just leave me frightened,
begging, pleading, loathing, hating.
Can't you come and please distract me?
Keep me from my thoughts forever.

I once made a plan,
used my mind, my heart, my soul.
Just to make myself more happy than,
I'd seen myself before the toll.
I wish I knew just how to think,
avoid myself on mental brink.
But then you ask me; "What's your problem?",
leave me to my selfless doubt.
Head so full of crimes,
Things I've felt as if were mine.
A headache lingers all these times,
To tell me I will never shine.
I cling to things that make me laugh,
whilst searching for my other half.
But then you ask me; "Aren't you happy?",
leave me feeling guilty, sad.

Just a recommendation, random thought that I thought would be especially useful here.
We use 'Trigger warnings' and such a lot and I think adding the 'spoiler' tag feature would work incredibly well with this.

An example of how spoiler tags work: http://www.accursedfarms.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=21&t=3&start=760
Just a random page of a random forum that uses spoilers. It hides content by default and will only show if the user requests it. ^-^ And you can put text/images in it, anything you want.

Using spoiler tags works just like the other things:
[spoiler]
Content
[/spoiler]

Not sure how difficult it is to implement such thing but it's an idea.

[[Trigger warning start]]

Fun fact of the day...
Aphotic is the part of an ocean or lake where the last of the sunlight reaches.
Atramentous means 'inky black'.
So there's the origin of my name, lol.

But I guess, I should start my own journal here. I haven't really 'recovered' much at all but it's good to at least have a starting point I think.
For years I've been wanting to figure out what's wrong with me, why my mood dips harder than the crackers that I dip in hummus, where it cracks and breaks into two and leaves me completely dissatisfied and upset. Why my nightmares always seemed to be themed on being trapped, somewhere, someplace, no way of getting out. Why I generally hated myself because I never understood myself, because it felt like I was living in someone else's body and I couldn't control any part of how I felt and behaved. I thought those mood swings were just me overreacting, which really only added to the 'reasons to hate myself' pile.

I read about C-PTSD about half a year ago whilst browsing different mental disorders and illnesses. It was intriguing but I thought nothing of it. It's only recently, with my therapist talking about my traumas and suddenly all this new information about C-PTSD I wasn't aware of, now it's all beginning to click for me.
Thing is though, I'm so... confused about it all. I mean... I match most of the symptoms, and have only recently been getting a grasp of Emotional Flashbacks and coming to terms with what they are. But there's a part of me that doubts me having this condition, a guilty doubt. I know for a fact that my traumas - they are not so bad from what others have experienced. But I'm still so freaking terrified, of my past, of my family.
[Trigger warning start]
I remember the countless times my dad stood me in the hallway, screaming at me, telling me how I can't do even the simplest of things. He'd call me an idiot, said I'm a wimp, told me to stop crying. I had to look directly into his eyes, if I looked away he would slap me. Every time I looked into his eyes though, it hurt me so bad. I was looking at someone who I thought was supposed to care for me, but I just felt so unwanted, so un-cared for. Welp, now I'm crying again. I should have expected this. My mother would just watch too, I think she has dependency issues or something, she just agrees with whatever my dad says and follows his lead. Even after she was cornered in the bathroom by my father, being yelled at, threatened, not allowed to escape, even after she took me and lived away from my father for a few months, she still ended up crawling back to him. It's sad when you actually hope your parents get divorced.
Countless times though my parents have always told me; "We're the best parents you could have"
"You're so lucky we're your parents"
"You have no idea how good you've got it"
[Trigger warning end]
Supposedly I've heard though that ironically people saying those kinds of things can be an additional cause of C-PTSD. I'm just so confused.

Anyway, I've woken up this morning and decided to type this because I'm riddled with anxiety and a weird sickness in my stomach that I can't place my finger on. (This happens a lot...)
I guess as far as recovery goes, acceptance and clarity is what I need first. Ever since the diagnosis thing, my mind has been just festering with thoughts, trying to piece things together. It's keeping me up at night, and I have urges to write it all down, but that'll just keep me up even more. But ever since the diagnosis, I've been rather elated - it's really nice. I guess I just finally feel a bit more understood. I read somewhere a week ago how one person with C-PTSD would sometimes swap identities (knowing full well they were doing it), acting as somebody else to cope and feel something else other than the crippling emptiness. And I just was kind of dumbfounded that there was someone else who actually did that. I thought I was crazy when I did that. Years ago the identities I took shape of were rather... unhealthy, telling me to kill myself and telling all my friends that I was not worth the effort, that they were wasting their time. It scared a few people, understandably. But then eventually I would snap out of it and go back to being 'myself' and I felt extremely guilty of saying such things.
Nowadays it's thankfully a more healthy identity, taking shape of one of my fictional characters I've made. He talks about myself, says everything I don't have the guts to say, everything I'm too afraid to share. It's strange, but it helps. I mean for my whole life my parents have told me to never share my emotions, that no matter what the task is, I do it and I do it without complaint. It's hard. Friends try to be supportive, say "If you don't like this and this that your parents are doing, why not talk to them?" But talking to them and trying to explain myself, sharing how I feel to my parents - that's like a death sentence, I swear.

But yeah, as far as plans go, I need to look for a better job. A 9-5 job preferably. Then I'll have enough money to move out on my own, and I'll finally be away from this mess. Thankfully the abuse isn't as bad it was, but it doesn't stop the memories from flooding in, from flinching whenever I walk past my dad in the hallway. I'm just so scared... I'm so angry. It feels like I've missed out on so much, feels like I'm missing out. I'm supposed to get my driver's license but being in the same car with my parents for them to teach me, haha, nooo... thanks... I'm good. They scream at me for my mistakes, and at worst if I'm not holding the steering wheel correctly my dad would forcefully grab my wrist and twist it so it goes the exact way he wants it to go.

I need to stop now and get ready for work though. Hopefully I won't get any moody customers. Yesterday one customer gave me a look that resembled the look my father gives me and I was breathing uneasily for the next 10 minutes, body shaking, heart thumping. This is horrible...
I guess this week I'm just going to focus on the diagnosis a bit and really try to figure out if it's truly what I have and am experiencing or not. I hope I am honestly, because that's a step closer to getting help.

Preferably non-related to C-PTSD if that's okay. We talk about our C-PTSD fears enough in the other threads. lol But yeah, everyone has their phobias, completely healthy people still have their strange fears, so I guess why not share our own. ^-^

For me, my strange little phobia is Kabourophobia, which is a fear of crabs. It's oddly specific I know XD
Every time I see one it gives me the shivers. Some guy threw a crab at me once and I screamed so loudly I swear some people around heard and were gonna call the police lmao. It was scary at the time but it's funny to think about when it's not happening.
They're just... little walking devils, I swear. They hide in the sand and grab your toes when you least expect it. >.> Or at least, I fear they'll do that. Last time I encountered crabs I was going kayaking. There was a good patch of sand and crabs between me and the kayak and I refused to walk so I got someone to carry me to the kayak.

It's a shame this part of the forum isn't as active as the other parts. Art is a really big part of my life, one of my ways to get away from reality.







\/ My favourite and most recent one atm.


I've replaced all the signatures on these with my anonymous username. If on the off chance you want more, you can PM me and I could link you my DeviantArt profile. ^-^
Hope you like these. I'm not a very experienced artist, never really took classes or anything. I just do it for fun and that's about it.
The character that frequents the drawings has a special meaning to me. I made him when I was dealing with both my abusive parents and my abusive partner and he's been a part of my art ever since. He even visits me in my dreams, so that's nice.