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[To preface: I have nothing against autism, autistic people, or similar conditions or similar people.]

To preface: I have nothing against autism, autistic people, or similar conditions or similar people.
But I was hoping to at least find a place to vent about the difficulties I've faced when interacting with people who have difficulty understanding or conveying emotions. I feel incredibly alone in this regard, and even if just one person here relates then I would feel so.. relieved. Because I feel like a truly awful person for having these feelings.

I had a sudden realisation that many of my abusers have this trait in common, or have some kind of mental disorder or condition that impacted their ability to recognise and display emotions. Now I know why I have such an initial distrust of such traits. It is not the person themselves I fear, but instead I fear the concept of being misheard and misrepresented. A lot of the interactions my autistic F has had with me and my M could have been avoided if there was common ground that we could use to understand each other. And I was you know, a mere child, what was I supposed to do.

For example, my F laughs when he is disappointed in someone. He frowns when he's joking. He makes sarcastic comments without including a sarcastic tone, and calls me stupid for taking him literally. My ex was similar; this would extend into public events as well, where once he was watching a violent and curse-filled video on his phone... on loud speaker, in a children's hospital. For so long, I thought it was MY fault for misunderstanding them. My abusers have constantly gaslight me into thinking that I was inept for not understanding them, for not seeing their side of things. But now I realise - it wasn't my fault. I was doing the best I could.

It's just all a very unfortunate combination of traits, because obviously I value people, including those who have any kind of mental condition. But I really really struggle to interact with individuals with these conditions because of the potential to be triggered so much.

I hope nothing here is offensive or hurtful to those with these conditions. I know it's a trait that cannot be controlled.

Regards,
Aphotic.

What are the common themes that you see in your dreams, especially themes that relate to your trauma/upbringing in some way?

For myself, my worst nightmares are the dreams of me being trapped. Usually that's physically, being locked away or restrained.
But on the flip side, my best dreams are of me being a Chinese dragon, free to fly all over the world.

These dreams are the very epitome of my trauma. Being trapped versus my desire for freedom. I wondered perhaps if others had similar phenomenons in their dreams?

Regards,
Aphotic.

[TW: Emotional abuse]

I just wanted to rant about the positives of using technology and AI to re-parent myself.

TW: Emotional abuse
Unfortunately from a young age I learned not to ask questions or challenge authority because it would often lead to punishment and harsh shaming. Words like "idiot" and "stupid" got thrown around often.
TW End

Naturally I got used to not asking questions, not allowing myself to reach out for help or education.

But over the past few years I realise just how beneficial technology has been in learning - even the most basic things that I should have been taught but wasn't. It doesn't matter how simple the question is, even if you ask a calculator what 2+2 is, it will answer without judgement or any other kind of secondary commentary. Even if you ask Google where the nearest cafe is, it will answer without sneering. Even if you ask ChatGPT why the world rotates, it will answer without shaming.

How wonderful it is to have all this information at our fingertips and not be ridiculed for not knowing. I use ChatGPT so much and it's just so freaking helpful, it's changed my life for the absolute better. Even for things like...
- If there's a word on the tip of my tongue, I can describe the word to AI and it'll tell me the word I'm thinking of.
- If I need some assistance with refining my grammar, the AI is happy to review it.
- And sometimes I don't even have a question. I just rant and ask it to listen and it does.

Of course, this isn't a replacement for human interaction - as I'm still learning how to ask people around me for help. But technology acts as a very nice supplement. And I always make sure to thank the AI after getting an answer.

And just because I'm used to it, here's a rhetoric for those that say AI is inaccurate: I am aware, which is why I always double check the answers I'm provided with other avenues! But it's easier to proof said answer when you have an answer in the first place, of which AI is happy to provide.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.]

I use humour as a way to cope, and maybe others here do too? So here's a collection of latest memes from r/CPTSDMemes (thanks Reddit).
General Trigger Warning as some are specific examples of abuse/trauma childhood experiences.















That "hearing someone talk about how great your parents are" is especially real for me. :') Since my M was a teacher at a school I attended, a lot of fellow students would tell me how great she is. That was hard to hear all the time.

Regards,
Aphotic.

I know there's hundreds of books that I could read but I just don't know where to start? I think I tried reading Pete Walker's "From Surviving to Thriving" but that was many years ago and I don't remember any of the contents. I do however remember it was a little difficult to go through. So I wondered perhaps, for those who have read all the popular recommendations, is there a best order to read them in? From like, the easiest to process/less-triggering to more in-depth/detailed/more triggering?

Am interested in books that delve into either CPTSD or OSDD/DID.
Also please no books that are religious. Books with religious trauma is fine, just not books that tell me to resolve my problems with religion. :') Thank you...

Regards,
Aphotic.

As a child, it was a phrase I heard so often. "Go talk to people your own age", "you'll develop closer bonds with people your own age", "you'll feel a greater support from those your own age". But despite how many times it was repeated, I never resonated with the advice.

At school, I couldn't relate to anyone in my class. Our struggles were entirely different, as they worried about schoolwork, I worried about my life. I would be forced to go to church, forced to attend the "kids" session, as they learned more about God, I learned how to make the kids avoid me. I would be forced to attend Friday night youth sessions, as they played games with each other, I played with my imagination. My M personally declared me as anti-social, and to "fix" me she would just constantly force me into social situations. I'm sure M had good intentions, but obviously it didn't work out. Simply put, these kids were nothing like me, I couldn't relate to any of them in any way.

Even now, I'm past being a young adult, and yet I still don't relate to people my own age. I keep getting this nagging feeling that I'm supposed to enjoy my time with people my age, so sometimes I join online communities catered more towards my age range. But every single time, I just end up feeling even lonelier. I feel no connection whatsoever, I feel no relation, no sympathy. Even if I talk to someone my age who has experienced trauma, I still don't feel anything. I can understand not relating to a similar-aged adult, but not even to similar-aged adults who might have similar experiences to me? I'm trying to figure out why, but nothing is coming to mind at the immediate moment.

Instead, I end up relating more to people who are in their 40s-60s (especially those in this forum). Heck, my current romantic partner is in that age range. They're so much easier to talk to, easier to care about. When I started working full time, despite being the youngest person there, I never felt inferior or behind the others. Weirdly, it was the only time I felt like I was on some kind of equal footing, despite the 10-30 year age differences. I currently work in a senior level position, getting paid the same as those who have 10+ more years of experience than me. It's like I was somehow born an adult, would explain why I was able to get a job so quickly, why I was able to move out so quickly, able to buy my own house.

Although I get along with my coworkers, I do wish I had some more social connections outside of work. But it's just hard to figure out how to do that without being weird. "Hey, I'm 15 years younger than you but I think we should talk more." hah

Anyway, just wanted to rant about that after another failed attempt of connecting with people.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[TW: Specific examples of childhood events which includes alcohol usage]

Feel free to move this to a better category if it doesn't fit.

This isn't the worst of neglect but just something that I suddenly wonder about... did anyone else have difficulties being expected to do something as a child that you weren't ever taught to do?  Feel free to comment anything you wish to share of your experiences.

TW: Specific examples of childhood events which includes alcohol usage

I had a random memory come up of when I was asked by my M to get her a cup of wine. I was like, I don't know how old, but obviously didn't drink alcohol myself and didn't know what alcohol % was so I filled the cup to the very brim. I bring it to her and she laughs saying "You want to kill me or something?"

Another occasion I was at the grocery shops with my M, and I was trying out my new debit card for the first time. When I got to the till I didn't know what to do because, I'd never paid for something before, and my M scoffed at for me not knowing what to do. She sat there looking at me for a while as if I would somehow learn it all instantly, eventually she took over.

Another time my M was passed out drunk over the toilet and the next day berated me for not taking her to a hospital. I didn't know she needed help, I just thought she was just... drunk? I didn't really know the threshold of drunk and in danger. (And tbf I didn't check on her really anyway because I didn't care about my parents... Oops.)

Overall, my M just had these weird expectations that I should know everything without being taught.. this included how to use the laundry machine, how to post mail, probably a bunch of other things I'm not recalling right now.
End TW.

It made me all feel so incompetent, and she made it always seem like it was my fault for not knowing. Now though as an adult I realise, "Hang on, they're my parents, they were supposed to teach me that stuff!".

These days there's still some basic things I don't know about living but I've been using Google to teach me. Technology is a wonderful thing, and unlike my FOO, I know Google won't judge me for asking questions. I also ask my partner things sometimes and he helps out a lot too. So. Am thankful for these avenues I can go to.

Regards,
Aphotic.

[TW FOO abuse:]

A few days ago, I had a dream - and within it I'm pretty sure I met my inner critic face to face. Apparently my inner critic is so entrenched in my mind that it has its own personification now so that's... fantastic. /sarcasm Maybe it doesn't help that I even gave it a name many years ago (her name is She, like the pronoun but as a name). I had the opportunity to see what my mind perceives her as, the defining features being her long dress and vibrant hot-pink wavy hair. Along with her name, it's all very feminine... which suits, because femininity was something often used against me as a child.

TW FOO abuse: I was too much of a girl for my father, said I was weak, 'precious', and such a 'princess' (in a derogatory manner). I hated being feminine so much it made me think I was a transgender man instead, but in reality I just wanted to get away from the abuse.
END TW

TW non-descriptive violence and nightmares: In the dream, I knew I was dreaming - though not to the level where I could control my dream. I came across my inner critic, I didn't realise who she was at first, but despite this she still felt familiar to me. I can't remember much of our initial conversation but at some point she brandished a weapon. I told her "Please don't hurt me, the pain doesn't always wake me up from my dreams." She smiled and replied "I know." And then naturally she tried to hurt me. Though I somehow managed to grab the weapon before it could do any harm. I tried to hurt her back, but she felt no pain at all - she didn't even flinch. Realising I was powerless, I ran off. She of course pursued, and the dream never really had a satisfying conclusion after that.
END TW

Though the dream was... frightening, as they most often are, it gives me some new clues:

• That my inner critic may be more human than I realised. I always thought she was just the embodiment or essence of pain itself. But she has a face, a voice, a personality... so maybe she can also be reasoned with?
• The way the dream was composed, and the way our conversation went, it seemed like my inner critic is the source of my more violent nightmares. This may just be some baseless psuedoscience I'm making up to try and make myself feel better. But it gives me a little hope that perhaps, if my inner critic becomes... less critical, then maybe it'll stop or lessen the violent nightmares?

Anyway, there's nothing here I really need answered or guidance for. Just sharing my recent experiences that I thought were interesting. Maybe I am curious if anyone else's internal parts have been personified like this? I know some folks have said that their inner critics are direct representatives of their abusers, but for me it's always felt more like a raw and unfiltered energy of emotions - until now I guess.

Regards,
Aphotic.

For context, I saw my therapist for three years. My first appointment with her was when I just started working full time. She helped me manage my general anxiety, depression, and poor social skills. T knew of my childhood trauma but we never really delved into it. I thought this was fine, and I ended the therapy mutually with T because I could function.

It was a nice distraction from my deeper issues, and I thought those deeper issues would go away with time. But they haven't. I've been good at ignoring it, pretending I'm "cured", but I started doing my own deeper introspection a few months ago and that was a big mistake. Because now I realise it's more like... T cleaned and polished the outer layer of my mind but I open the door to see my inner psyche is a festering oozing rotten core. And now that I realise it's there, I feel sick to my stomach and I can't ignore it. I can't even shut the door because that filth keeps coming out, no matter how many locks I put on the door.

I decided then to revisit T, after all she knows all my history already. But I've had three sessions thus far and I'm starting to realise why perhaps the deeper issues weren't ever combated during those first three years. It's not her fault, I just don't think my issues are compatible with her expertise. Because she did definitely help with other things, but not... this. So I emailed the clinic and told them to cancel my appointments. They replied and queried why and... I still don't know how I'm going to answer that. I'll figure it out tomorrow.

I've also booked an appointment with my GP to get a referral to a CPTSD specialist, rather than just a general trauma psychologist.

A query for those that live in Australia, is it possible to find a compatible psychologist myself and then have my GP "refer" me to my chosen psychologist so I can utilise my mental health care plan? Or can it only be a referral to a psychologist that my GP specifically decides/chooses for me?
Am talking about this plan specifically:
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/mental-health-care-and-medicare?context=60092
Hopefully that question makes sense. I can of course just ask my GP this but if I know I can "select" a psychologist before I actually see my GP next then that'll speed things up a bit.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Not asking for help (can't be helped anyway) nor planning on doing anything, just venting in a random place on a random site cause nobody else gets it. Would put in my journal but thought it'd be too heavy for those not expecting it.
Feel free to remove this if it's not acceptable.

TW General abuse and self harm
I spoke to my therapist yesterday, though I didn't even want to be there. I told her how I have no inner child, because I refuse to believe I was a child - refuse to believe that part of me existed. I told her there's no good part of my childhood. She asked there's surely some positive things there, so I started listing off random word associations and how all those words turn into negatives. Colouring books? Reminds me of my eldest sister's drug abuse. Video game consoles? Reminds me of them being thrown against the pavement. Plushies? Reminds me of our late mistreated dog.

I told my therapist how nobody cares. People say they do but they actually don't. People only help others to feel good about themselves. They help others just so they can say "I'm a good person". I told my therapist how loud my father shouted, and yet nobody came to check if things were okay. None of my neighbours cared. My school didn't care. Child protection services didn't care. There was nothing in the world that would ever save me, and the only reason I can think of as to why this is the case, is the fact that I deserve to be hurt. If the world is made of highs and lows, I exist for the sole purpose of being the low so that others can enjoy being a high.

The therapy session didn't help. I just came out feeling more broken and alone. I hurt myself and I texted a hotline but I dropped that cause they had a queue. I have no idea what to do. Medication isn't helping. Therapy isn't helping. I don't even have the strength or motivation to help myself. They say a broken thing can be repaired, but I feel more like tempered glass - shattered into a thousand pieces. Nobody can be bothered to put all those tiny fragments back together, not even myself, so much easier to replace it.

Regards,
The aphotic zone, truly the darkest part of the ocean.

[at]

A few years ago I lived in a unit. I loved cats, have always wanted one, but the landlord wouldn't allow cats. So the next best thing I found was to volunteer at a cat shelter! I really enjoyed meeting all the different cats and I was volunteering there for a year, even after I moved into my own pet-friendly place.

One day I went to the shelter and noticed a pen with a mother and 5 kittens. Typically the mothers are very protective of their young and get a little hissy if you get too close. But to my dismay, the mother seemed to be hissing at her kittens! She would also steal their food and neglect their needs for attention. I tried to raise this issue with the shelter owner but it took them a while to do anything about it. As the weeks went by, the kittens were adopted one by one until it was just one last kitten and the mother. Even after those weeks they weren't separated and I hated seeing the mother bullying her kitten but I didn't have the authority to do much. Thankfully though another week passed and I found they'd finally been separated - one last kitten with a cage to herself. I felt a huge sense of relief and came over to greet her. And then she did this...



That was the moment I realised I HAD to adopt this cat. It was not in my plans at all to adopt a cat so soon but I had to. I felt something pulling me towards her. So a few days later I came home with her in my little cat carrier, and showed her to her own kitten room (a repurposed study room). Knowing how her mother treated her, I knew it wasn't going to be an easy start. She was petrified at first, being in a house for the first time. Initially she always hid behind things, and she'd only eat when I was out of the room. I would occasionally try to touch her but she'd hiss and I respectfully backed off. Sometimes I'd just sit in the room with her and talk, throw some toys around to get her interested. Slowly but surely she began to trust me, trust that I wouldn't steal her food, trust that I wouldn't "hiss" at her like how her mother did. I still remember the first time she sniffed my hand, the first time she let me pat her, the first time she sat on my lap... all very small things but such huge milestones for someone with her upbringing.

This was a few years ago. Now... she follows me everywhere, can spend literal hours asleep next to me, enjoys being cradled like a baby, loves to play fetch, I've even taught her how to do some tricks. Her name is Olive, but my partner and I also refer to her affectionately as my "moon" or "shadow", because she's dark and constantly orbits around me. She reminds me of myself so much. She too is scared of strangers, she too is skittish to loud noises, she too has a complicated relationship with food, she too had a hard start to life - but we've both made so much progress. When she's hurt, I feel her pain myself. When she's wanting something, I do everything in my power to give her what she wants. She reminds me that my response to trauma is normal and expected, and that it sometimes takes a little while to do things that others can do so easily - but she has shown me that it is entirely possible to flourish, despite the hardships.

Even as I write all this, she is sleeping next to me right now.  It feels so incredibly soothing to give her the love and affection I wish I had as a child. She has taught me so much about self-care and self-respect, and I'm so grateful to have her, so happy that I could make a difference in her life.

Regards,
Aphotic.

Found this a while ago and thought I'd share it here - a short film portraying a day in the world of an individual with DID. I don't have a DID diagnosis but I found it relatable regardless. And that ability to relate in turn provides a bit of comfort so hoping it might do the same for others here!
https://www.dylancrumpler.com/watch-petals-of-a-rose

Regards,
Aphotic.

Just needing to vent real quick. My sister (without my consent) told my mother that I have CPTSD and that I'm taking "PTSD medication". Suddenly my mother is texting me, asking if it's true, asking a lot of personal questions. In response I decided to lie, I said that my sister was lying about me having CPTSD. Not sure if that was the best idea, but it was the only option that came to mind. At least it seems to have worked because my mother has stopped texting me now. She raised a good liar...

A week ago, a part of me was planning to tell my sister that I was back in therapy and suspecting other disorders. Actually I somewhat tried, but I didn't do a good job of explaining things I guess because she brushed off my issues as "normal human behaviour". But now I'm glad I didn't give her any more details. I can't imagine how my mother would react if she found out I could have other mental problems.

I'm really angry. Angry at my sister. Angry at my mother. I can't trust anyone in my FOO. My mental health problems are not something that should be gossiped around. If I wanted to tell someone about my personal problems, I'd tell them myself!

 

Regards,
Aphotic.

[TW: Emotional abuse and neglect using detailed degrading language]

Curious question, what do folks find the most beneficial to them? Music that inspires and uplifts them, that gets them out of a rut? Or music that aids one's wallowing in sadness, comforted by the accompanying misery? Or both? Maybe uplifting music during some points, and sadder music during other points?

Personally I exclusively listen to the latter, specifically music that appears upbeat (basing this off the quick tempo and arrangement of instruments) but is actually rather shocking or brutal (even better if it's in a different language or difficult to hear). I just adore the symbolism of it, keeping up a facade of cheery and happy demeanour, hiding behind the barrier that shields one's most vile and depressive anguish. Those are the songs that really speak to me, that make me feel a little more at peace in the world.

For an example of the music I like: When I first listened to this (and read the English translation) I cried my heart out. Spoke to me in so many ways including my deep fear of spreading my trauma onto others.
TW: Emotional abuse and neglect using detailed degrading language

[This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.]

Random thread idea, something to help myself and I'm hoping may help others too. Many times when I'm at a low point I'll question my abuse and whether it was real or not, either from gaslighting or memory problems. So the idea of this thread is to simply write a few dot points of what abuse you've experienced, evidence of it  (if you wish) so your inner critic or whoever can't argue against it - stuff to read as a reminder to yourself whenever you feel you are confused or doubting.

This thread is super trigger-heavy and should only be used as a tool rather than reading for leisure purposes. It should only be read when you NEED it.

To Self, do not undermine your experiences or doubt your trauma. You...
- Were physically punished for the majority of your childhood, and that is proved by your learned reaction to flinch at all and any sudden movements as a means to protect yourself.
- Had your Fawn tendencies used against you by your ex-fiance, who every day made you do things you didn't want to do, and who would make you feel bad whenever you were upset because you were 'hurting' him.
- Were put into an arranged-marriage by your FOO and ex-fiance who wanted to ensure you would 'be successful' and 'bear grandchildren for your parents'. You were proposed to in a public area making it harder to say 'no' as you didn't want to disappoint everyone around you. You have proof of this from the time your best friend contacted a lawyer and she herself said that your situation was wrong.
- Were raped by your ex-fiance, who even when told by you that you didn't want to take part in any sexual activity, kept pestering and telling you how 'you always change your mind'.
- Are in therapy at the moment, with someone who has diagnosed you with depression, anxiety, and CPTSD.
- Were constantly neglected emotionally and food-wise, being scolded whenever you shared your opinion, being told you're a liar when you were telling the truth, etc. The lack of food can be proven from when you got a job just to have enough money to feed yourself each day.
- Were promised that 'it would be okay' but found yourself being locked in a room with no outside interaction and no track of time for an unknown amount of hours/(day(s)?). There you were questioned, lied to repeatedly, and gaslighted.

Editing your posts is encouraged if you ever wish to add more to your list. Not sure if this is a good idea or not, but I know it'll certainly help me, so that matters something.

So this was just a curious thought of mine - that is COMPLETELY non-compulsory by the way, you can take part or not if you'd like. But I see a lot of people afraid they're alone here because of their age, they may believe they're too old or too young? Well I know for certain there's people here of all ages and I'm interested to see exactly which ones are more prominent and also hope that the poll will encourage others to speak up and feel less alone. CPTSD affects people of all ages, I believe. And it's a good thing to remember.

To the mods, if this poll is a little too personal or intrusive or whatever, feel free to remove it. Haha, or move the topic if it's in the wrong place. My curious desire for statistics can get the better of me sometimes.

Hello, I'm back for a topic. I've been super duper busy with IRL things, working a LOT, saving as much money as I can. Also been paying for doctor appointments, still seeing my therapist, and making great progress I think. Good news; I'm moving out in January. That's it, that's what I've decided. It WILL happen.

So far this is my plan:
- In December I will look for places to rent and contact an agent when I find an appropriate place to live. I will get it all set up prior to actually moving in, which involves getting the electricity and internet working.
- When I'm ready, some day in January after New Year's, I'll hire some guys to help me pack my furniture and take it to my new place. I'll do it whilst my FOO is out, and hopefully it will all be done in about two hours.
- As I leave the old house, I'll leave a letter to my FOO. What it will say, I have NO clue. I'm still thinking about that one. Everytime I think of what I might say I feel scared, like... I'll be saying things to my FOO I've never been allowed to say before, basically declaring my independence from them. I want to say; "Don't try to contact me", but thinking of saying that makes me scared, scared I'll be punished. But of course, they wouldn't be able to do that - I'll be living in my own place.
- Once I'm settled in my new house, I'll go about changing my address with my bank, medicare, etc. I'll also ditch my Facebook account, and any internet profile my FOO may be able to contact me with.
- And then when that's all done, I'll get a name change. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and the more I think about it the more excited I get. I'm not changing my name just because I hate my current name, I'm changing it so nobody who knew me will find me.

So what I'm asking for is just basic advice...
- Advice on renting a place? Things to look out for? And how does the process of renting a house roughly work? What kind of paperwork do I need to fill? How long does it take for it to all get sorted out?
- I've been contemplating whether telling the police that I'm going no-contact with my relatives/friends. My FOO is very over-controlling and I'm quite sure they'll try to get the police to find me when I'm gone. So is it possible to tell the police that I don't wish to be found? That, as an above 18 year old (independent adult), I wish to live at a secret address? Or is that not a thing I can do? The last thing I want is the police showing up at my door, or my FOO. Ugh.
- Any advice on what I should tell my FOO in the letter? I'm really lost. I'm so scared but excited at the same time.
- Should I change my last name whilst I change my first name? Can people find you easily by your surname? I'm not sure. I'm quite apathetic about my last name so I haven't really thought of changing it. But I should probably change it... just to be very sure nobody will find me.
- Is there a chance my request for a name change might not be 'good enough'? I'll plan to write as my reasoning something along the lines of; "I don't want to be contacted or found by my abusers", and I'm thinking I could get a letter from my therapist in support of this. I hope it's a good enough reason...

I'm really excited about it all. Like, when I think of it, I actually feel rather hopeful for once... that I feel everything will be okay. I'm scared, but also full of adrenaline... just the thought of walking out of my FOO's house... and never coming back... it will be like a huge weight off my shoulder, I'm sure. And I'm hoping when I'm living on my own, I'll stop having these reoccurring nightmares... the feelings of being trapped, not being able to run away. I want to feel free, want to feel like my own person.

I'm going no contact, leaving everything behind, because I'm sure nothing will change. Even if it does, I'm sure it won't change for a while. When one problem disappears, another shows. My father isn't as physically abusive as he was, but now my parents seem to enjoy taking money from me, saying I owe them when I don't. They also want me to pay for my own flight to my sister's wedding on the other side of the country, someone I don't care about, a wedding I don't care about, a family I don't care about. (And I'm still terrified of airports and flying from a bad past experience) They say I have to go, everyone says I have to go. But I'm not going to lol, they can go shove off. It's okay if they disown me for it, I'll be under a new name and identity anyway so it won't matter.

Anyway, any advice or any reply at all would be so very much appreciated. I only have one real clean shot at this I think, so I have to get it perfect - or at least close to it.
Thank you for reading. ^^

Have been randomly curious over the past few days of others' experience with Depression if you've had it or not.
From what I know (feel free to add any more types I haven't listed), there is:
- Major Depressive Disorder
- Bipolar Disorder
- Seasonal Affective Disorder
- Psychotic Depression
- Postpartum Depression
- Situational Depression/Trauma Depression

I'm mainly curious about the last one listed, seeing as we've all experienced some kind of trauma/big changes.

For myself, I had Situational Depression after one specific event that lasted for half a year. And so kindly it was going on when I was finishing Grade 12 which really didn't help my academic grades.
Got recommended to see a counsellor by a teacher who noticed I was very 'off', bless her heart. And whilst the counsellor wasn't really helping my depression much, it was still nice to talk to someone about the $%^&*# that was going on. Asked my M if I could see a psychologist, took her a few weeks of convincing, and another few months till the actual appointment was booked. Ended up only having three sessions with her before my mother pulled the plug on it because "You don't need it", though it was just in time for my psych to tell me I had depression.
Thankfully, Situational Depression eventually passes and I was slightly more myself at the start of this year. I can barely even remember last year. The depression thing made me feel very lonely, ended up not talking to any of my friends for months, went from sitting at the front of the class to sitting at the very very back up against the wall. I can't imagine what it's like for those who live with Major Depressive Disorder.  I could barely handle 6 months of it, let alone years and years.

So yeah, feel free to share your own experience with it, I'd be interested to know how much of us have gone through Depression/is going through it and who hasn't. Supposedly CPTSD and Depression goes hand in hand though.

For when the negative thoughts get to be a bit too much... shrouding memories, a big dark cloud in my mind... I'll have this place to think of if I ever need some peace.
Maybe I'll also have a go at drawing the interior some time, who knows.
Took a few days of on and off drawing but I like how it's turned out. ^-^ It's slightly blurred cause I need to lower the resolution for it to nicely fit the forum page. It's all good fun though. Was relaxing to draw.
Thanks Sceal for reminding me to do stuff with the "Safe Space" idea. Much appreciated. Now I'm going to go to bed, my hand hurts like crazy. Haha

I wanted to get an opinion/view point from some of you lot, hopefully you've got a better perspective on this than I do.
Basically... I had an incident at work today, manager came over to me and said a customer complained I didn't pack the bags right. Apparently you're supposed to separate a few specific items in different bags which I thought would be a waste of space but now I realize that most customers prefer high quality of packing over the low quantity of bags. Anyway, the customer supposedly said that "I told her (me) to take that pack of biscuits out and put them in another bag. But she REFUSED." Note, REFUSED. Which is a blatant lie. And I told my manager that I did NOT refuse, I took the pack out and set them on the table for the customer to place wherever she wanted them to go. I was frustrated of course by being accused of something that was untrue, but that's not really related to my actual question.

The thing is, I defended myself... I told my manager what the customer said was wrong, that I didn't refuse her at all and I told the manager what I really did. But then I got struck with an EF and I felt horribly sick for a good few hours until it finally went and I had the time to think. I eventually felt a lot more calm and I realized, thinking back to what happened, I felt #$^&*@, had that EF, because I defended myself. Subconsciously it reminded me of all the times I was being scolded by my FOO, even over things that weren't true, yet I wasn't ever allowed to defend myself or explain myself, ever give reason. I just had to "suck it up and take responsibility because that's what you'll be doing in the real world".

And now my question, is it true? Should I not have defended myself and instead just took what the manager was telling me? Or was it okay of me to actually speak out and tell her the truth? Should I have agreed with the customer and what my manager was saying? I felt really bad after defending myself, it felt wrong.
Sheesh. I feel so brainwashed, I don't know what is right or wrong. I just need someone else's perspective on this because my own feels so...  There's a part of me that says right, and a part of me says wrong. A little guidance is all I need please.