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Topics - Andyman73

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When I was 6 years old, I drew/colored a picture of the devil in a Military officer's uniform. I have no idea where that image came from. Even now I can only see it on the paper I colored it on. It's not in my memory. And I don't know who really carries it..perhaps little andy. However it wasn't him that colored it...cuz the work was more on 6yr old level instead of 3.

It got me in trouble at school...we were having free drawing time,  but we must draw something, not color in coloring books. So I drew him. I was attending a private Christian school at the you can imagine that my image caused quite a stir. Got in trouble there and they had meeting with my in trouble at home too.  Which got me a beeting.

Off and on over the years I had heard or read reference to MK Ultra, and other MK programs. Book and Movie character Jason Bourne is a product of the MK programs. Some of the programs were designed to make assassins for the CIA. Just like Jason Bourne.  Another construct of the MK programs is "The Manchurian Candidate".

Other programs...not so much. MK Ultra was designed to gain power over powerful people...through sex....specifically with children...and as they grew up...teens. Which then could be used to blackmail these powerful people...members of Congress and the Senate, here in the U.S., and members of other governments too.

A few weeks ago I had a profoundly shocking experience. The MK programs were run, initially by the OSS...the precurser of the CIA. Starting in the late 30s. In 1939 the OSS recruited my Grandfather to join their agency.  Due to his college and profession of being a commercial airline pilot, they brought him in at the rank of full Colonel....he was 29 years old. But he was someone they wanted badly enough. See, grandpa had an engineering degree and a photographic memory. Which made him a perfect candidate to be an operator.

All Dad knows is that Grandpa reported to only 2 people...both generals, one ours and one, an ally. Not even the President was in his chain of command. He had orders to shoot anyone who questioned him, while he was "working". And he traveled extensively throughout Europe. And carried a briefcase handcuffed to his non-shooting wrist.

I remembered Dad showing me his Dad's tax papers and stuff...which showed his Dept. of Gov't being OSS, and the division being TS. Technical Services...which ran the MK programs.

Some how, some way, my Dad's Dad, Grandpa...was involved with the MK programs.  I sure hope it was the ones involved in making these automaton assassins and not the child sex programs.

When I was not yet 3, I was raped and assaulted by both a grown man, a soldier my Dad worked with, and a teenage boy at the nursery/daycare I went to. This was in 1976. My Dad was stationed in Germany at the time.

The second part of my shocking experience the other week...I was scrollling through my Twitter feed and saw some posts by one I follow, refering to MK ULtra and a few people by name. I followed the trail to the OP of those tweets...and saw a picture.  :aaauuugh: :spooked: :fallingbricks: :stars: ??? :'(

It was the man...the devil in Military officer's uniform!!!!!

He's still alive today. He has been cited in numerous accounts of satanic rituals, churches and so on. Even started his own church. He was bffs with the founder of the "church of satan".  He traveled in mysterious secretive circles, even as he served in his official capacity of his uniform. As early as 1982-3 he was first accused of being involved in child sex/kidnapping rings. At last count, over 400 children, completely unrelated to each other, except through this devil in uniform, have fingered him as their main abuser.

How do I fit into all this??? His primary source of children....

The nursery/daycares on U.S. Military Bases!!! Which is where I was when was exposed to him. I believe the teenage boy was one of his proteges.  The daycare was forced to hire him on direct orders from above...against recommendations of the employees for the safety of the little children. My mom said she(worked there, which is why me and my brothers went)and the other ladies said they felt very uneasy around the boy. Boss told them that they have no choice but hire him.

This is only the number who reported or identified him. Some adult survivors have, as well. Not only has he denied everything, he even claims that it's a huge widespread witchhunt to discredit him.  However, he has no answer for all the physical evidence of some of the cliams against him....namely satan worship and such. There are plenty of pictures of him with the head of the church of satan and certain Hollywood Icons. He started his own church, for goodness sakes!!!

His main official job was Psyops...psychological operations...he had learned how to specifically abuse little children to cause their minds to fracture. He then would program these "others" into mindless sex bots. The main host personality would have no memory of what was being done to them. AS they grew up, their programmed others would be used in more devious ways towards their clients. Ultimately these others became programmed into "Manchurian Candidates" to carry out assassinations and such.

All of the MK programs were "officially" canceled by the end of the 70s. Yet references have made it into mainstream media/entertainment in the past 15-20 years. Even more recently as the past few years, MK Ultra has popped up in hit songs and tv shows. So... why is that??? Perhaps MK Ultra is still in play, "unofficially".

Mods, if this need moved, I'm okay with that. Not sure where this goes.

Over the past month I  been hereing on the radio, adds for this or that organization, pushing to get men to sign a pledge to end dv at home.  After hearing that for 20-30 times, it dawned on me....I didnt' hear one single add pushing women to pledge same, leading up to Mother's day. 

I wanted to go to their website and tell them off. But thinking of that triggered even went to website becasue I agree with that, we do need to end dv at home. But from both parents, not just dads only.

Also before Mother's day, my pastor made  a small reference to that men need to stop abusing women and children. Not people, once again, just only men.  Fully 1/3 of my abusers are female. And my 2 longest duration cycles of abuse... were females. The longest being 21 years, my future ex-wife. Then mom comes in at #2 with nearly 19 years. 

Not pointing fingers, just saying that males aren't the only ones. But society puts us in a bad light. ON tv, more often than not, we're portrayed as bumbling idiot helpless dads. Just becuase some of us are, isn't good enough. Regular everyman rarely seen or heard of, in the media. Even in real life...who's the one always getting blamed or treated like a suspicious character? Men.

Maybe I got it all wrong...I frequently do, becuause of my extensive trauma background.  I am often confused, or totally unaware of what's really going on.  I know I see things differently. So most often I stay to the edges of group discussions, or out of them all together.

Maybe should have just kept mouth shut about this. Sorry.  Mods can delete if this all wrong.

Is it okay to be a male victim of adult sa/r? There is no #metoo, or anything for me. There is for my child abuse, and my csa/r. But not for my adult abuse.

I'm quite sure this thread won't get off the ground as nobody really wants to hear about a man anyway.


6 Years of Darkness;

I was 5 when my 6 years of darkness began.  I had been spanked before this still struggling to accept that was child abuse too. But this specifically focuses on a 6 year period of intense child abuse, physical, mental, emotional and so on. I had been nearly caught, that morning, being csa by a teen at least 10 years older than me. It was the manager of the apartment complex I lived in. He heard me screaming and crying and ran over to see me laying naked on the floor crying in pain. And teen was standing over me laughing. Anyway, he told my mom what he saw. 
That night was the first beating I remember.  For the next 6 years, mom would beat me 4-5 times a week. I don't remember much....can't see her face, hear her voice, can't hear belt cutting through the brothers have confirmed these had the most evil look on her face, growling like a monster, and saying the ugliest things imagineable, to a little boy.  When she didn't have her belt on, she would use what ever was at hand. Wooden cooking utensil, not just wooden spoons. I've had a handful of them broken over my head.  Several times she used an extension cord, wire coat hangers, don't know what else. Mostly used hand to smack face/mouth.  Solid wooden hair brush on head...too many times...not remember but remember hurt so bad...make dizzy sometimes. Leave lumps on head last for days.

Sometimes dad would do punishing...usually mom did when dad was at work. He never knew the extent mom had gone with this. Several times dad would grab my hair to hold me still and use hand on butt. Only did that in the first year or two...maybe 3-4 times all together. Would grab so tight...hurt worse than anything else...never felt hand hitting me, feel feet swing up off the ground though...everything white hot, can't see or hear...white hot fire in head...was bad bad bboy. so bad.  Sometimes him use belt too. Liked to do on bare skin...sting so much worse.  One time got buckle end.  Sometimes smack mouth...loosened teeth a time or two....

The very last time was the switch...36 inches long, 2 inches at the handle end and 1 inch at the other end. Took 3 hours to find good branch and cut off tree in backyard. Then 3 more hours...then a dozen or more swings...lost count after 12...had welts on lower back, butt and upper thighs.  Couldn't sit for a week. Back hurt for a month.

Not sure if food being withheld is physical abuse, or bread and water rations. Or being forced to eat stuff the next day. Sometimes had to sit at table while others ate. Sometimes sent to room . But when on bread and water rations...could only leave room for bathroom/showers.  This was all mom.

Also not sure about writing as punishment is physical abuse...sit and write for hours...copy dictionary pages...write sentences. One Summer I wrote 50,000 sentences. 

Was so so naughty naughty. Never good. I just couldn't do it right. Nothing was ever right or good. Do over do over punish, again again punish.

Hey e'erbody! How ya'll doin? I am just gonna start writing stuff here bit by bit, see what crawls out of the darkness between my ears.

Okay, gonna go with a few of now I am 44 years old. Been married over 18 years to the only person I had an actual relationship with. And it's been a doozy.

TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING; mentions various abuse, CSA/R/CPA/ASA/APA and DV of all kinds and flavors.

Without realizing it, I chose her to punish me. I needed it in the worst possible way. She has been an overachiever in that role. This past January something cracked and something crawled out of the vast darkness that resides between my ears, and keeps my head in a nice non-scary head shaped shape.

It was a memory of being groomed and sa by a male predator, 2X, while I was a young man serving in the U.S. Marines.  That memory exploded in my head like a nuclear device! Literally!!! Everything associated with that memory hit all at the exact same second!  Since that time.....I've had so much more....only saving grace is every new memory has come gently, like a piece of driftwood left by a receding wave on the shore.

So...I now know that my earliest known abuse happened before I was 3 years old...still potty training. In just over a 2 year period I was abused...csa/r by 4 male abusers...2 teen boys and 2 grown men. The 4th of that group set in motion a chain of events that culmated with mommy dearest CPA me for the next 6 years, till I was 11 years old. Daddy dearest contributed about 3% in the cpa.

I'm going to stop here. It's too much...

General Discussion / Interacting with others
« on: September 13, 2017, 03:12:15 AM »
Here is my question. Does anyone here interact knowingly with somebody else's others?

Let me explain. On another site, one of the members pm'd me. She thought it was astounding how I could just so freely accept everyone and love them all. So she wanted to take a closer peek at this crazy 😜 dude.  She was nearly scared out of her mind to reach out to me. I could tell she was very anxious. I just treated her as gently as I could. That was 6 months ago. We've progressed to a solid friendship now. Anyway, after a few weeks and she was starting to accept the whole idea of me. Out of the blue I was texting someone with a chip on her shoulder and a bratty attitude.

A young teen other came out to me and gave me the rough once over. She really put me through the grinder. Over time, as it became clear that my friend was really benefiting from our relationship, this teen other began to open up and confide in me.

Then, a little girl...5-6 years old started chatting. Totally surprised me! She is so completely adorable, reminding me of my kids when they were that age. Met a 4 year old boy. Know of a 2-3 yr old little girl...toddler really, she only waves at me.  Been warned of a "Lolita" who hasn't presented. Been warned of a man hater! Who thankfully hasn't presented.  Met her "manager" who knew all about me. Which was interesting. She was a take no prisoner no bs type. Would not tell me her name.

I gently asked my friend a few questions because she knew the teen had started talking to me. She told me she doesn't know how many there are. She is very very fragile around this.  And I know the manager is always there. Also manager told me that some of them will re-integrate back with my friend, the longer I stay in her life. That warned my heart to hear, her manager says I'm good for her.

That 4 year old boy? According to the teen, the boy had been there roughly 44 years!!! Ever since my friend was 4-6 years old.  Teen told me that the boy was there before her, and it's her job to protect the littles. Also her job to protect my friend, when her abusive husband is abusing her. She fronts. She fronted during a lot of her abuse goin back to her teen years.  Anyway, the little boy contacte me through the 6 year old girl.  And has been talking to me for about two weeks. The teen was blown away, my friend was shocked and a bit freaked out.  The boy never ever spoke before, to anyone besides the 6 year old girl.

The whole experience has been more amazing and wonderful than I could possibly ever dreamed up. And I have also learned things that have crushed my spirit to dust. They have told me things my friend doesn't know about. My friend has told me a time or two that it really is hard for her to accept I know things about her past she isn't aware of.  Said she trusts me like no other so will chose to be okay with me knowing things. And the teen girl has helped my Broken Andy and little andy to find their place.

I can't even begin to find the words to describe how this makes me feel. It's almost like I've been given a special gift, so valuable that the whole world 🌎 couldn't pay for it. And the most amazing thing is that all of her others came and present to me. I didn't. Seek them out. Friend says she feels a lot more peace inside, more than she can remember at anytime in her life.

All this wonderment just because I am me being me.

There's more if any are interested in discussing this. I'm surprised everyday with this.  I hope I didn't cross any lines or break any rules. I can't talk about this on the other site. Because I haven't been DX'd with DID I don't have access to the forum where I could talk about this. So I really hope I can here. And I hope some of you can help me. Okay?
Thank you for reading. 💐

I have no idea where this question goes, I would not be surprised to get censored or removed either. This has been my experience elsewhere with similarly hard questions. So..all you bad * Moderators, be gentle and move this to the appropriate location, if need be. Thank you in advance.

I, the one that lives my life..when referring to me, I am Big Andrew, or Andrew. There is little andy, he's 3 years old, and was MIA for over 40 years. Then there is Broken Andy, he's between 11 and 12. He talks in short choppy sentences and refers to self as Andy or him. He's my punishment recipient. He also comes when something is too emotional for me. If you ever see me go from writing in generally speaking proper grammar and such, into short choppy sentences...I've dissociated and Andy is here. Also have Big Silent Andrew...never talks, just stares off into the distance with tear filled eyes.  Sort of like Kurt Russell in the movie Soldier. (I think that's the one). I think there is one more, hiding out, because I've noticed things that don't coincide with the others.

Question is....what is the explanation of this? or I don't even know what....not looking for DX, just layman's terms and such...please, anybody that wants to comment please do. Thank you.


Therapy / Men and therapy
« on: September 04, 2017, 05:44:48 PM »
Just started t. Only official DX is from the VA as ptsd due to personal trauma(MST). However that does not take into account my childhood cpa/csa/r and bullying and many forms of childhood dv abuse. And little account for the ongoing DV abuse from wife that stretches over 20 years.

General Discussion / Just joined don't know where I belong
« on: August 30, 2017, 10:45:37 PM »
Don't have a clue, if I did, it's been long forgotten by now. Don't know if I belong here or on the child side.  Can't write anything else right now...I'm sorry

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