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Topics - Liminality

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Emotional mess
« on: September 25, 2017, 03:32:49 AM »
So many things in my head I think I'm going to implode. Maybe collapse like a castle of cards. That's how fragile and vulnerable I feel right now, and I hate it so much.

I can't hold a job because my symptoms (flashbacks and panic attacks mostly) are too invasive. But last year I managed to start writing again, so that's what I do most of the days. I write fiction, publish on the internet, and do my best to keep my self-imposed deadlines. And it was going so well, the only thing I was holding onto, the only thing I was really proud of.

Except now I'm having a depression relapse, and I honestly can't find it in me to work on my next chapter. At all, for ten days now. It's infuriating, and frightening too because last time this happened I spent four years trying to get back the strength to write regularly. Four years! I can't lose four years again! But the mere idea of working on my current chapter gives me nausea, and that in turn makes me feel like crying.

I've had chronic pain issues because of irritable bowels syndrome for nearly a full week now, it just won't stop hurting, and on top of that I'm dealing poorly with the heat wave hitting my country. Even taking a shower doesn't help, because the humidity level is so high I can't get rid of the wet feeling afterwards and everything becomes sticky and disgusting.

So I'm kind of in this weird awkward place between feeling numb and overwhelmed at the same time, with too many icky/painful physical input to properly deal with, and I'd usually bury myself in a heap of blankets to forget about the world for a while but !"/$%?& it's too hot for even that and urgh.

Sorry for the rant. I don't usually do this, but when I talked to a friend earlier they tried to fix me instead of offering validation/empathy, and I ended up pretending everything was fine so they'd shut up. I'm not fine. I'm a hot mess and all over the place and please make it stop.

(Can't remember if I took my meds this morning, but if I didn't it's probably not helping. So I'll post this, put tomorrow's dose on the table so I won't forget in the morning, and go to bed. Perhaps have a good cry. Hopefully I won't have insomnia on top of everything else.)

Recovery Journals / Standing On The Threshold
« on: September 14, 2017, 07:29:04 PM »


I've learned the hard way that a lot of people can't handle me when I'm deep in depression, and I desperately need a place where I can free myself of the darkness inside. As such, I won't go out of my way to describe graphic events and be deliberately triggering to others, but I will not censure myself -- I've done too much of that already.

So please, please stay safe. I promise I won't be hurt if you can't read or comment my posts, for now or at all. Thank you. :disappear:

Introductory Post / Hello =)
« on: September 12, 2017, 05:43:51 PM »

Been lurking this forum for a while as an anonymous guest, decided to jump into the fray and register because I see how helpful talking with people who understand is, and I'm in a place where I really need that kind of help and support. So here I am, hopefully to give as much as take.

Sorry this is short, I kind of loathe introductions and I'm notoriously distrustful. Opening up on internet forums bit me in the asterisk in the past, so things might be slow for a while. But one of the really interesting features on this forum is the possibility to open a recovery journal, so when I feel safe enough, I'll probably share more over there.

In the meantime, thank you for being here. :disappear:

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