Topics

Stuff like this has happened to me many times, but this is the FIRST time I have correctly identified what was happening as a C-PTSD trigger. That's progress, right?

I left what I thought was a reasonable, balanced book review on a book review web site, and a bunch of people didn't like my review, and started trashing me, calling me names, questioning my ulterior motives, etc.

My knee-jerk reaction when something like this happens is to disintegrate. I realize now that this is because I have C-PTSD and I was raised to where if I disagreed with my parents or did something they didn't like or that made them look bad to someone else, I got punished. And maybe there was other stuff that happened that I don't remember, I don't know. As far as I remember, I've always been like this, utterly terrified of saying something someone disagrees with, terrified of making someone angry, terrified of being attacked. I'm only just now realizing it's NOT because I'm a horrible person, it's because I was emotionally abused as a child and now have C-PTSD as a result. I still can't calm down though  I feel like curling into a ball and crying and wrapping myself in a blanket and never talking to anyone again.

My mother arrived yesterday for an extended visit. She isn't being particularly horrible. No worse than usual, certainly. Maybe even not as bad as usual. But having her in my house AT ALL is giving me headaches, nausea, stomach pain, weakness, and an all-over sensation of fear. She has no idea that I'm coming out of the storm and recognizing her as having been emotionally abusive and neglectful to me all my life. I haven't had these flashback symptoms on her previous visits when I was still in denial about her. I had self-loathing thoughts instead. I guess flashbacks aren't as bad as self-hate, but I don't really know how to deal with it. I would rather not ask her to leave, because that will create drama. I would like to find a way to take care of myself while she's here, and then eventually she will leave on her own and then maybe I won't have to see her for a long time. But I don't know how to go about my normal life when my whole body hurts! And most people think my mother is the nicest, sweetest person on the planet, so it's hard to explain!

-being cold
-being sleepy
-having dirty hair

Yesterday I was too busy to take a shower, so I got up early (which is making me sleepy) and took one this morning (which is making me cold--my hair takes a long time to dry) but I THINK it is worth it. Having dirty hair is triggering for me because my parents wouldn't let me wash my hair more often than once a week (and my mother still gets on to me that I wash my hair too often).

I hadn't realized the extent to which going out of my way to take a shower can curb the self-loathing thoughts. 

The friends who help me the very most are the ones who love me, but don't get enmeshed in me. They show concern without taking it upon themselves, in other words.

Sometimes I still feel alone, when all of them are busy and I just want someone to talk to me in a comforting voice and tell me I'm not horrible. 

Still grateful for folks who can care just the right amount but not too much.

Hi, I was referred here from OOTF, but I don't know if I belong here or not. I was the only child of older parents with health problems--dad's started before I was born, both parents went into decline when I was around 7-8 and got worse from there. My parents demanded perfect conduct from me. They weren't mean if I accidentally spilled or broke something, but I was expected to be 100% polite, obedient, never rocking the boat, no character flaws. Then as I got older and their health problems got worse, I had to take care of them. I had nearly all of the adult responsibility (cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, transportation, occasionally even bill-paying) but they still expected 100% obedience. I was bullied a lot (a LOT) in school, too. I left home at 18 for college and my parents actually got WORSE over the next few years, picking on me for every little thing, discouraging me from working but then criticizing me for not working, etc.

I was raped when I was 20 and I have "regular" PTSD from that, but I've been treated, and it's gotten better. So I know what PTSD is. It's just that lately I'm beginning to feel the same way about my entire life before I left for college. I think about  what it felt like to have to keep track of so much when I was so little, and my body starts to hurt and I can barely get out of bed. I'm happily married now, have two children and the older one is around the age I was when the bricks started falling out of the sky, plus my mother is also freaking out lately about things that may or may not have happened to HER at around that age. (Dad died a few years ago.)

Here are my reasons for not being sure I belong here:

1. My parents were not physically abusive.
2. I love my parents very much.
3. Everyone else who knows my parents also loves them very much.
4. It wasn't my parents' fault they were sick.