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I have a part that self-sabotages. Whenever things seem like they might be improving this part will be uncomfortable and look for ways to return to a state of unhappiness and self-hate. I want to be on the shore enjoying the sun but this part of me wants to run directly into the ocean and drown in it. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve to be happy and comfortable or that being better is too much responsibility and being worse is easier. I don't want to feel this way, I want to want to be recovered. I don't know how to stop ruining my life.

Hello Laurel, it's Me.

I love you. I know you feel like no one loves you but it's not true. Lots of people love you, they just didn't know how to show it to you.

I'm sorry that I was mean to you and yelled at you; I didn't understand who you are and what you do for me every day. You went through things no child should have to go through and you're very strong for doing it. I'm so grateful to you for taking those memories and fears and keeping them so I could be free from them most of the time. I know it hurts and I hope we can share that burden now so you don't need to be hurt all the time.

It's okay to be scared and sad and angry because I can protect you and tell you it's okay. I wish someone could have done that for you when it was happening. I'm here now, I can help you now that I know you're there and need help. You are loved and you are safe from now on, I promise.

Love,
Me

[Sensations]

In DBT I learned how to make a distress tolerance box and it really helps me. Sometimes when I have a bad episode I forget what helps me feel better or even that I can feel better. The box has things that help or things that remind me what helps. Here are some examples:
Sensations

• Hear: headphones and an mp3 player, a musical instrument, crinkling material
• See: nice pictures, pretty rocks or leaves
• Taste: sour candy, chocolate, mints
• Touch: feathers, stuffed animals, stress toys
• Smell: lotion, incense, candles

Distractions

• puzzles, sudoku, crosswords
• list of TV shows and movies you like
• colouring books, crayons, crafting materials
• bits of nature like pinecones, rocks, leaves
• list of activities that help

Affirmations/Reminders

• list of your boundaries
• your bill of rights
• letters or quotes from people that make you feel good about yourself
• prayers, mantras, or personal affirmations

Crisis/Emergency

• Therapist/doctor/psych phone number/email
• Crisis help line and 911
• list of trustworthy people and their contact info

I have collected a bunch of epubs and pdfs regarding CPTSD, BPD, DID, and trauma recovery. I want everyone to have access to them so I made a google drive. Feel free to download them and share the link to anyone who needs these resources.

https://drive.google.com/open?id=0BxbhXNkT67stRnFiUXhNYW1iRVE

I was put on Zoloft about 6 years ago and took 100mgs daily until about 4 months ago when I went down to 50mgs. I want to go down to 25mgs next but I don't have a doctor... these are capsules, not pills, so I can't split them since it's a powder inside there. Does anyone have experience with SSRI discontinuation? Do you think I could just stop taking it now that I'm down to 50mgs or should I figure out some other way to get a lower dose first? I feel like Zoloft has deadened my good feelings as well as my bad and I can't take it anymore. I need to get off of it ASAP.

I can't make friends. I can be coworkers with someone... I'm very polite and kind and people often come to me with their worries and open up to me about their lives. I can open up to them too, but I always feels like I'm tricking them into being around me. When people want to hang out outside of work I just can't do it. I feel strange. I don't like the obligation of friendship, I can't be comfortable knowing someone likes me as a person. I can't believe it. I have my boyfriend who I trust but I can't extend that trust to other people. Does anyone else have this problem? How do you fix it...?

I don't remember most of my childhood but I think something happened to me, There are lots of strange things I remember from all periods in my life that could be clues. I developed a fear of bathrooms bad enough to make me wet myself at school in 1st grade. I have a memory of being on the floor in the school bathroom but it has no context, just the image and general unease. When my parents were separated I stayed with my dad in places with lots of different men who were also drug addicts... I called my mom and begged her to take me home a few times and refused to explain why (according to her, I don't remember this). In early puberty I was afraid of penises and didn't know why, I thought I was a lesbian. Looking at them made me feel sick and nervous. That's not normal! It doesn't just come from nowhere! I can't remember any sexual abuse but something is wrong with my body. I can't orgasm from sex and so I fake it - I've been faking for almost a decade with my boyfriend. I feel disgusted by my body. Both of my parents are CSA survivors. Will I ever remember what happened to me?

Hello. My name is Laurel, I'm 28 years old. I was recently diagnosed with OSDD (otherwise specified dissociative disorder) but I might also have BPD or at least some of the traits

I don't really know where to start so this will probably be confusing and I'm sorry for that. My life doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I can't remember very much from before age 17 and I've had ongoing memory issues due to dissociation since then as well. What I do remember is confusing. In first grade I started having issues at school; sudden fear of the bathroom and anxiety that caused me to wet myself in class... that was pretty isolating, and I remember being considered weird. No memories until 4th grade when a teacher began verbally abusing me daily. She separated me out from my classmates and made me an example of stupidity and laziness and worthlessness. She made me stand in front of the class while she yelled at me and made me cry and made me tell everyone I was bad. It was so painful being at school that I spent most of my time there emotionally absent... at home I would have panic attacks and nightmares. I would experience amnesia for entire days and it scared me. I didn't tell my parents what was happening, though. My mom wasn't very good at emotions. Both of my parents are CSA survivors.

We moved across the country after that year but I kept having problems, especially at school. My father got into drugs and my mother had to work constantly to keep us afloat. I had to take care of my little sister and comfort my mom and when my dad disappeared no one told me what happened to him. I retreated deeply into fantasy but also kept very good grades. I was obviously different from other children and it made me a target for bullying. In 7th grade I developed an eating disorder and started self-harming by hitting and cutting myself. I had severe insomnia, daily panic attacks, and episodes of hearing foreign-feeling internal voices which would argue and be rude to me. My dad came back into our lives but he was still into drugs and his own mental illness so I was exposed to some things that I should not have been. Few memories but a lot of fear. Moved around a lot, alone a lot.

Hospitalized at age 16 after I had a severe panic attack in school and revealed my self-harming to a teacher. Two weeks in hospital, put on SSRI and then discharged with virtually no follow up, One day I tried to commit suicide and woke up covered in vomit, cleaned up and went to school like nothing happened. I met my boyfriend at 19 and I tried to repress everything and become normal, went to college and took child psychology but the problems continued. I dropped out and have been working since. Can't keep a job for very long, can't go back to school, can't make friends other than my boyfriend, can't remember my day-to-day life very well.

In and out of therapy and treatment. DBT helped a lot with the self-harm. I just started seeing a therapist for CPTSD specifically and my new psychologist diagnosed me with OSDD. Basically, I have pieces which are nearly separate personalities... there's S, a 7-year-old version of me who seems to remember some worse abuse that I don't; Laurel, a teenage me whose voice I hear very often inside my head, angry and paranoid; and then there's Me... that's my name, the real me. There are other parts too but I don't know much about them yet. I know these parts are all part of "the whole Laurel" but it's like a puzzle with pieces that don't fit together very well. Sometimes when I get triggered another part will take over and I will go inside and be only vaguely aware of what they do and completely unable to control the body. I've also had hallucinations in the past. I have fears that I don't understand.

I want to get better so bad. I want to be able to remember what happened to me. I want to feel safe and like a part of the community. I'm making a commitment to not give up hope again. Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading everything. Thank you.