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Topics - Quiet

#1
Frustrated? Set Backs? / Journaling
October 08, 2017, 04:05:15 AM
So, I reaally have trouble with journaling.  I feel really self-conscious about everything I write, if I manage to write anything useful at all.  Mostly when I try to write about my feelings I want to rip up the page and throw it around before I even start.

I know the self-consciousness comes from the inner critic, who has a very loud voice.  But I really don't know how to work around this. 

As you can guess, I have a lot of anger, and 95% is directed at myself.  Does anyone have alternative techniques, other than journaling?
#2
General Discussion / MBTI "poll"
October 03, 2017, 08:01:31 PM
I was going to make this a poll, but it's too complicated for that.

I really like https://personalityhacker.com/ for their test, and also for the fact that they look past MBTI to the cognitive functions Jung described, which are the basis of MBTI.  They use the car model to describe these functions, which makes it a lot easier to understand.

I read somewhere (can't find references, sorry, these ages might be off) that everyone starts out as an extrovert or and introvert from the day they're born.
When you are about 3 you "choose" whether to be an J (act now, see what happens) or a P (watch first, then determine a course of action) person.
When you're about 7 you start to "choose" whether or not you'll be an S (sensor) or an N (intuitive). 
When you're a teenager, you "choose" to be a F (feeler) or a T (thinker).

But until you're a teenager, you're mostly working on developing your driver function, which will be introverted or extroverted.  This is tough without seeing it.  The car model chart really helps me visualize it.

I have to say, also, that when someone has experienced trauma, they rely on different parts of themselves to get them through.  I've heard it's hard to type someone with trauma in their background.  Don't worry about if you know you're correct type.  It's just as handy to know what type came forward to help you cope.

So, here's where I'm going with this.  I was wondering, first, if we have a clustering of people in certain personality types, because a large portion of use had trauma in our childhood that surely would have directed or even derailed the development of cognitive functions.  If you have "fragmented" or if you have multiple inner children, tell us about any you're comfortable disclosing.

I'm also really curious, if anyone feels comfortable stating, what your your "F" type (Flight, Fight, Freeze, Fawn).  I suspect that we might see that certain personality types might tend towards certain F types.
#3
Other / Joy of Coding
October 03, 2017, 01:32:02 PM
I started this thread for hank, but I feel like there are more of us.  Writing code is one of my pleasures in life.  When I focus, everything else goes away, and I can get things done!  It's an art, and we should celebrate it!  Please share your programming achievements, issues, and thoughts.

I'll start off by saying that I've been asked to create a very simple website for someone.  Looking forward to it, even though it will not take much time.  :)
#4
Symptoms - Other / False memories?
September 22, 2017, 07:49:17 PM
This might belong under dissociation. 

This is a weird thing, and I'm curious if it's just me, or anyone else has this?

I have several significant memories from my childhood that no one else remembers.  I've been told by the parent(s) involved in each memory that I must be remembering a dream, or I imagined these things.  My first thought is that they don't want to, and it's denial.  But it makes no sense to deny some of these.

I need to provide context.  Here are the three that most easily come to mind, but there are more.  All three of these memories are quite vivid, and still have a lot of detail.


  • I remember wandering into the street when I was a toddler, being run over by a car, and passing under the undercarriage, relatively unharmed.  I remember being taken to the hospital.  I remember both my parents being there.  Both swear this never happened.  I can understand denying this - it would be quite obvious gross neglect.
  • I remember having been hospitalized, in an oxygen tent, with pneumonia.  Considering how bad my asthma was as a child, this is not surprising, and no one could blame either parent for this happening, so there's no reason to deny it.  But no one remembers this.  Also, no one remembers my uncle, who was on drugs at the time, making the effort to come see me while I was there.  He gave me a plush toy that I remember playing with after I came home from the hospital, but could not find later in life.
  • I remember hitting my head on a pipe (those big sewer pipes that they used to put on playgrounds, for kids to go into).  My mom took me home and was worried about concussion, so she and I made up stories together to keep me awake.  I remember her writing this story, so we could refer back to it later.  She remembers the injury, she remembers keeping me awake, but not writing the stories with me.  Why deny the good part?

So, it has occurred to me as I've written these memories that all of them have a common thread of me being hurt, and someone taking care of me.  Maybe these false memories of really bad situations I was "rescued" from, so that I could have a bit more faith in my parents capability to care for me.  I don't know.

Anyway, does anyone else have memories like this?
#5
Symptoms - Other / Having a voice (TW) and freezing
September 20, 2017, 07:27:05 PM
Long, a little ranty.  Sorry.

For this to make sense, I have to preface with the fact that when I'm a freezer (very much the "lost child" description).  I remember trying to fawn, but it never worked.  I can almost pinpoint the day I gave up trying to fawn.

I'm still not comfortable being noticed.  I developed nervous habits (hair touching).  I think I was five years old, maybe younger, and it was before my dad remarried.  I remember quite distinctly coming home with my dad after going to a school fair.  I'm also overstimulated in a crowd, and I definitely shut down in the presence of too many people.  As soon as he shut the front door, he started screaming at me that I had embarrassed him by touching my hair so often where other people could see.  Not going to go into more details.  :pissed:

Starting that day, I was so scared to set him off again, I forced myself not to have any nervous habits.  If I got in trouble, I would hold still, stare at the floor, and not say anything except "I'm sorry."  Sooner or later, the screaming would end, and my dad would storm off into the house, leaving me standing there alone.  I would usually stand there for what felt like half an hour, waiting for him to come back and tell me what I was supposed to be doing.  If he didn't come back, I would go to my room to play or read.  It never once occurred to me that I could speak up for myself.  Even as a kid, without the words for it, I knew nothing I said would make him less angry.

So...I've been having a lot of struggles lately, most of which are old stuff resurfacing. 

But one of the new things I'm struggling with is my writing.  Ever since it occurred to me that I could make stories, I have.  And I think I'm a fairly good writer, with 25 years of practice under my belt.  But lately I'm struggling to write.  I approach it with trepidation, and I only manage a sentence or two before I cross it out and give up.

I have always written for myself.  I love the process, and I love world-building.  Before I took my last job (traumatizing) and my wife got sick, I sent off a piece of flash fiction, and it was accepted.  I was super excited (unusual levels of happiness), they paid me, and I got a free t-shirt.  I sent off a few other pieces, but no one wanted them.  Which I was okay with.  And now I'm not.  I think this latest issue was triggered by a well-meaning suggestion I should send in something to try to get published again.  Why?

I started connecting various events in my life, and the common thread is that of not speaking up for myself.  When another kid stole my sculpture in art class.  When I got in trouble for doing something I hadn't.  I've never felt it was worth it to speak up.  But five years ago, I was okay with people reading my words.  I feel like the awful coworker at my last job, who definitely triggered EF's daily, managed to take me back to a time when I would have done anything to fade away into the woodwork, and I can't seem to find my voice again.

Finally, the question, for those of you who freeze.  Are you nervous just being noticed?  Are you nervous your work, creative or functional, will be noticed?  What about at work?  Do you make your productivity average to avoid being noticed?
#6
Inner Child Work / I hate my inner child (TW)
September 20, 2017, 01:59:14 AM
I've touched on inner child work with my therapist, before I stopped going.  It didn't go well.

I discovered that when I tried to connect with my inner child, I hate her more than I hate the adult me.  I had nothing but vitriol for her, and I wanted to tell her all the reasons why everything that happened was her fault and call her names.  If anything, I think I had worse things to say to her than my dad did during one of his screaming rants.

Does anyone have any ideas on how I can learn to have some compassion for the kid I used to be, even if I'm not ready to actually get in touch with her?
#7
Please Introduce Yourself Here / Intro (TW)
September 19, 2017, 09:12:08 PM
Hi All,
  Not sure where to start.  I'm going to make this brief.  I had a childhood of verbal abuse, neglect, and being an emotional caregiver to a parent.  I seriously considered suicide many times in my teen years, and I practiced cutting to help modulate emotional pain.

I have a wonderful wife who is much sweeter to me than I deserve, and I struggle with accepting her love, or her compliments.  She often says that she feels sad because when she gets close to me, physically, I move out of the way.  She knows it's because I never think that she wants to be close - it never crosses my mind.

I had been doing better, in an emotionally crippled sort of way (I definitely have a whole load of self-hatred with me at all times), until my last job had an unpleasable coworker who made it her mission to make sure that I never do anything that wasn't her way, and even then, I wasn't doing it right.  It took about two years for me to find another job, and that time in that toxic environment was too much for me. 

I got a new job about three years ago, and it's a really good job.  But I struggle emotionally more days than I'm stable, not quite depressed, but sad, and prone to crying (which is very much unlike me).  What's worse is that lately I've noticed I'm withdrawing - I feel like I cannot possibly stand any more emotional pain, so I've started avoiding anything I'm not sure of.  I don't want to try new things any more, and I don't want to do familiar things unless I'm sure of success.

Obviously, this is not a good path.  I'm working on trying to get in touch with whatever the hurt is inside so that I can process it, and at least open up to new experiences again.  I'm not myself without a little sense of adventure.