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Topics - rbswan

#1
Recovery Journals / Rbswan's Journal
October 16, 2017, 05:33:16 AM
10-15-17 - Work will be challenging the next two weeks.  I have an audit of my department (occurs every 3 years).  It means dealing with authority figures, perfectionism (mainly my own) and criticism.  I'm not so much concerned about the results of the audit.  My main concern is that I am deep in the grieving/realization stage of my recovery (though I know this goes on for a lifetime) and I think I have to stop the grief work until the audit is over in two weeks.  This work has been giving me a lot of relief but I sometimes come to work with puffy eyes or I'm somewhat drained the next day.  I've been grieving several times a week and I fear stopping. 

Also, it now feels sick when I fall into people pleasing mode around authority figures and these are "new" authority figures.  I've decided to set a self care contract and journal nightly on my progress.  After the two weeks is over, I plan on taking a trip for a few days which I will allow whatever emotion that needs to come up surface.  I don't want to make the self care contract "too much" so I came up with a few things I can do each morning and night that I think might help.  Here they are:

Every Morning
--Upon waking - 10 deep breaths
--Mirror affirmations to my inner child - we are safe, we are worthy, we are good enough, we are smart, we are loved, I love you
--Prayer for guidance and kindness to others
--Light breakfast

If Emotional Flashback
--Take a short break - find an empty conference room - breathe and read "getting out of EF list"
--Short stretch and breathing

Morning - one coffee only

Through out the day
--Plenty of water
--Healthy lunch
--Findings are not faults - think this when there is a finding

On the way home - call a recovery friend

After work
--Yoga - 30 min Yin or Gentle Yoga
--Talk to kids
--Talk to wife not about work
--15-20 min meditation
-- Minimum 6 hours of sleep

Let's see how I do.  Remember, it doesn't have to me perfect.
#2
Hi All:

I'm reaching out to the OOTS community to get some feedback from anyone who has done therapy or personal recovery work with grieving.  I started the grieving process about a year ago in group therapy.  It came slow and now I feeling I'm gaining some ground getting in touch with my IC.  He wouldn't come out for the longest time and I'm also seeing some very slight improvement in EFs.  About 4 months ago I found both of Pete Walker's books and use the methods he describes and incorporate them into therapy some and on my own in the safety of my home.  My therapist uses several methods for grieving/inner child/inner critic work.  Some include child tantrum, shin cycle, pacing with verbal ventilation, racket work (angering), affirmation work, nurturing, gestalt, psychodrama, etc. 

I was hoping I could get some insight from the community concerning their journey with the grieving process including struggles, successes and what methods they used.  I still feel I'm early into it and progress is slow.  I'm the only person in my face-to-face recovery community (ACA) that is currently doing experiential therapy or grieving and was hoping to get some insight.  Most of my friends say they admire the work but I can't get the kind of feedback that comes from experience.  Any info much appreciated.
#3
Letters of Recovery / To My Brave Boy
October 12, 2017, 09:33:43 PM
My Brave Boy:

Once again, you have shown me your strong, fierce, beautiful heart.  We were together on Monday, talking to her.  Even though it looked like an empty chair, we know it was her, and it was your words speaking truth.  We cried and it was safe.  We got mad and it was safe.  We told her the truth and it was safe.  Her rules are poison and don't apply anymore.  Our therapy friends saw her too.  Just like when we saw them talk to their parents, we saw the silhouette of the mean people who hurt them in the same chair.  We watched them tell the truth and get stronger and love their little selves.  Thank you so much for coming out and saying your truth brave boy!  I couldn't have done it without you and we stayed together.  I know you have had to go it alone for so long.  I left because I couldn't remember.  I left because I believed in lies.  I'm so sorry I thought not feeling anything was how I stayed safe.  Now I know by avoiding my feelings I avoided you.  I'm so glad it's different now.  We are learning to feel all of our feelings and express them in ways that will make us feel stronger, lighter and more free.  I now have tools, ways, of staying with you and sticking up for you and guiding you with love and acceptance.  You are the best part of my heart.  I'm new at this so please stick with me.  I can tell it's working because I finally can hear you.  If you get mad or don't feel heard, I notice your "kicks" to the stomach.  They say, "hey!  I have something to say".  When you feel heard and loved your shoulders shake.  It's ok thats just good energy getting out.  I feel the other stuff too, and we are working on that.  I'll keep us safe during our work.  I want to hear all you have to say.  I'm angry too.  I'm sad too.  I'm lonely too.  I'm in pain too.  It's normal to feel those feelings because of what we had to live through.  It wasn't what you deserved.  We are a team now.  I see you and I won't leave again.  Thank you so much. 
#4
Letters of Recovery / Dear Moth
October 10, 2017, 11:56:06 PM
Oops, I forgot to put the "er" at the end.  Should I not have a sense of humor about your personality?  Flying toward anything that will give you relief even if you know it will burn you, and those in your path, again and again.  I know that flight pattern, you have taught me well.  As a child I could do nothing but fly to you, desperately, in loops and jerks and dives, hoping that the fire would be warm, even just once, and not scathing and impossibly hot. No more.  Not your flame.  I see it and have left it to burn only you.  I'm not flying out and around anymore.  I'm flying inward to find what you were so scared to let free.  I'm the one breaking the cycle of cowardice and violence.  I'm not bringing you with me but I'm not forcing a mirror in your face either.  This letter will not find you, nor these words.  I don't need vengeance or rage to get through my pain.  I don't need to be a hot flame to anyone else and project my pain.  I am learning to just be a light.  I know you will never know this boy/man.   This makes me sad but no longer guilty.

Your Sun
#5
Hello All:

My first post as I found this site not too long ago.  I'll introduce soon and love the identification, hope and healing I've found here.  I want to process my first real verbal communication from my inner child and welcome comments and experience.  If this is long I apologize.  Very brief background - Me:  male adult child of trauma, narc mother, alcoholic father, C-PTSD for sure, 8 years of 12-step, 2 years of therapy and group therapy.  Group therapy is awesome with a lot of experiential work.  Me and 5 women.

I've been doing a lot of primal grieving in group - tantrum to grief, anger work, shin cycle (breathing to grief), fully emoting, etc.  This work has been helpful slightly reducing and taking some of the wind out of emotional flashbacks.  I've tried some contact with my inner child on my own through non-dominant hand writing and meditation but haven't connected much except for some one or two word answers to written questions.  I've tried a gestalt with inner child in group a year ago and it didn't feel like a strong connection and I think I disassociated. 

What happened:  I went to Group Therapy the other night planning to do anger work (using a tennis racket to hit a mat while emoting).  I watched two of my group members do a psycho-drama first with them playing their child and therapist playing adult "them" or the healthy parent they never had.  While watching I started feeling the "inner balloon of ache" in my stomach.  I'm starting to recognize that feeling as my inner child trying to tell me something.  He wanted to say something and he felt safe trying it in the psycho-drama format.  When it came time for me to do my work, we set up two chairs facing each other.  I was in one playing my inner child (the one that wanted to speak) and in the other my therapist playing my adult.  As soon as I sat down I felt like something "dropped" into my body.  This is significant as I don't have very good body awareness.  My shoulders shrunk, I felt small, my arms and head felt very heavy.  Also, the skin on my arms tingled and hurt slightly.  My fingers on each hand touched lightly in a submissive way.  I felt it in my body which was new.  I won't process the whole conversation to limit the post and will just list the two most interesting of the things he said to me (therapist)

"You never listen to me.  You get scared and check-out and leave me to talk.  Everyone thinks I'm stupid and hates me and doesn't want to be around"  Feelings:  chest aching, body heavy  Posture:  Head down looking up at therapist, glancing down a lot.  I process this as my disassociation around authority figures or triggering people.  I monolog or get nervous or sometimes intense.  This is a good awareness I think but scares me too.  I know I disassociate but I never thought to deeply about the fact that I leave my kid driving the bus!

"You're stupid and I don't like how you think your so smart.  Stop trying to know stuff.  I never do anything fun. You're stupid and boring"
I think this is his response to my compulsive research on my condition and recovery work.  He wants me to start having fun.  The thing is, I haven't since I can remember.  I'm grateful for the message though.

He didn't say much else.  In fact he refused to answer a lot of questions.  That's enough for now.  I would appreciate to hear about any experiences concerning early contact with an inner child that doesn't trust you.  Thanks for letting me go on about this. 

Sven