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When I last wrote a post here I honestly thought I would leave. At the very least, for longer than this.

But I feel that I have drained my best friends resources, and I have lost Lady T and my doctor and support nurse is on vacation. And I need to talk.

The family dog of over 13 years is going to be put down, most likely next week. He has had heart problems for years now. He lost control over both urine and feces over a year ago. He has steadily but surely gotten weaker in his hind legs. He's been happy and full of energy until recently. He is still happy, but he is tired now. He doesn't want to go for walks, he can't play anymore, he can barely wag his tail. He is awake and alert, and he wants the cuddles and to be with his flock. Occasionally he will bark at people walking on the street or chase the cat.
We have known that this is where it's going. I just... I am not good at good-byes. His love has always been unconditional.
I know that this is pre-emptive grief. And that afterwards I will grieve. I know it is normal and that it is healthy. That grieving is a way of acknowledging how much that someone had meant to me.
I am just not good with emotions, I push them away because I don't know how to carry them alone. And I am alone. I am living with my parents, so in a way I am not alone. But..it's hard to describe and explain. And I just.. I just don't want to explain.

My sister told me that soon before gran died she had confused her with me and apologized. My sister says she's told me this before, but I don't recall. She told me that she had told gran that she shouldn't have to worry, that she (I) am not angry. Although, we never did manage to heal the wound that happened... At least, I think she knew I wasn't angry. I miss her so much. It's been years now. But I still haven't deleted her phone number, and I still keep seeing her in old ladies of her same height. She would hate to put the dog down too. Everyone does.

I gave Lady T a gift on my last session with her. I was disconnected, so I wasn't able to tell her the things I wanted to say. So now I am writing a book about trauma... Not my trauma, but a simplified FAQ book about trauma for people who doesn't speak medical language... I don't know if I will ever finish it or do something about it... Because it is part a reaction to anger over something I became aware of.

---TW---

(Short explanation: someone went online and wrote an "apology letter" for bad behaviour towards women. Of sexual harassment and abuse after they had been outed by one of their victims. And they were being applauded for "apologizing". It made me so angry. I haven't been that angry for years. I haven't ever allowed myself to feel that angry.)

--- End of TW ---

And it is part so I can contact Lady T to get a professional opinion about the book. I have other doctor friends I could ask, but not psychologists or psychiatrists. It's a thought, but it makes me feel like I am stepping over a boundary if I actually reach out. Although she did say she would love to attend my art shows, whenever I have them next.

And then I realised today something about my childhood. I was quite young when I decided I wouldn't amount to anything. That I couldn't do anything. It is silly example maybe. Maybe I read too much into it..
When I was being taught how to bike I refused to believe my mother when she told me I was biking on my own. Even when she was running next to me showing me she wasn't holding the bike I was on. I got so angry I threw the bike aside and refused to go on it again because "I can't do it!" (meaning =I am a failure!). I didn't touch the bike again until end of the season or the next season when I saw an older boy being awful at biking. That's when I thought I too could do it. It's a silly pattern, and maybe a silly example. But to me it tells me that I thought already then that I needed to be perfect on the first try. I needed to succeed early, and when I never did it just underlined my belief I had about me already that I am a loser.
So I then have to work harder in order to be average. But it's so exhausting.

I honestly thought I had stopped believing in perfection in my mid 20s. But I think it is so deeply ingrained in me, that when I say I need to be " good enough" I really do mean "perfect", because anything less isn't acceptable. I won't be liked, or approved of, or accepted if I did anything less. The problem is of course that everyone has different views on what is actually perfect.. and I can't seem to please everyone all the time...  But I keep trying, because I don't know how to stop. And also because I had honestly thought that I was past it.

Hello everyone.

I have been thinking about this for a while, and I think it is time. I'm leaving the forum.
I'm not sure if it's forever, or if I will come back one day (soon, or in a year? I don't know).  But I've noticed I'm not able to sit down and write down anything coherent for myself anymore, and I'm just not capable of being there for any of yous. And it really hurts that I can't offer the same amount of support, wisdom and help that you've all offered me.

I am truly happy that I came across this forum when I did. I've received so much help and support from you. I've learned so much by so many of you! Both on how to handle things, how to change perspective and about research and theories. About relationships with other people  (not romantic).

I wish nothing but the best for you all. And I wish, in a way, that I could stay in-contact with those of you whom I've gotten to know a little better. And I hope that your journeys will take a turn for the better, that the hardships - this kind of hardship. The trauma bit, will bit by bit be released and that you can all put it behind you. I hope to same for me.

I'm in a better place than I have been for years. So I don't want you to worry. I have sorted out some of the immediate problems that was causing havoc on my mind and emotional state. Preventing me from actually making progress and doing real work to get past cptsd. I still have a long way to go. I am not free from my burdens, and it's unlikely I will be free from them anytime soon. But I have things in my life now that helps me being able to focus on better things as well. I've no idea what the future brings. It is scary, messy, chaotic.. and I feel I have no control.  But it is a lot better than what it was.

so thank you.

And I wish you nothing for the best.

P.S I will check in again in a few days or in a week, in-case someone leaves me a message they would have liked me to read.

to everyone who would like one.

https://www.ted.com/talks/amy_milton_can_we_edit_memories?utm_source=newsletter_daily&utm_campaign=daily&utm_medium=email&utm_content=image__2020-05-19#t-341638

I got this ted talk as a suggetion in my weekly ted.talk video emails.
She talks alot about memory and also about a possible future treatment for trauma-memories.

I think I will start a new journal. I probably haven't reached my page count in the other one. But I need a new one.

I am sad, empty and my future seems bleak. I have little hope that I will get any better than this. It might be the depression talking, or it might be the truth.
If it's the truth I have to find ways to accept it and live with this. Find things that makes it better.

My GP and Lady T says I sound lonely. I miss getting a warm hug, but I don't know if it's quite true that I am lonely. I miss feeling belonging. I miss feeling safe with a group (however small or big) and feeling accepted and true belonging. I've felt it briefly a few times, so I know what I am looking for. Although, those times they were really fleeting. And one of those ended up turning into a trauma, but that's a whole different story. the beginning was good, as it always is..

GP, Lady T and Mr. T all believe that I have all my thorns out, and will be able to notice that something is afoot should I dare to reach out to a new group of people and try to make more friends and find places I do belong. I think they think too highly of me, I require the feeling of acceptance too much that I am willing to oversee red flags. I know this, because... I've let it happen so many times. I can't resist it. It's a mix of wanting to belong, a mix of wanting to be important to a few and a mix of punishing myself when the red flags do appear.
I realize I don't trust a lot of people anymore. Perhaps I never did. Perhaps I don't give enough of myself in social encounters that people don't dare to invite me in properly. I am good at listening, so that's what they use me for.  Or maybe I am just putting everyone in a pile. Generalizing them.

I am sorry if this is in the wrong section.

*Trigger warning: questions about emotional abuse*
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I have been wondering something lately. When does a behaviour constitute as abuse? Is it only when it is intentional behaviour?  Or can it also be part of unintended behaviour?

I am currently going through a tough time with my ex. We are moving apart after 4 years of having been broken up. (It's a long story). The other day we had another long conversation about the past. He said alot of hurtful things, and I don't know how to deal with it. He accused me with making him feel worthless at times, and that he is scared of me now that I will explode in anger at him for something he hasn't done. That I am untrustworthy because I didn't tell him the whole story of why I broke up with him.

I feel that this is a little unfair. I know I have worked really hard to try and build him up. I have given him compliments after compliments of what I think he is and does that makes him worthy. I have told him time and time again that he is worthy. I know I have been angry, and some of it most likely unjustly directed at him, but some of it was due to his behaviour.  And the reason why I didn't tell him I had been r* again.. was because I couldn't. I couldn't say the word, I couldn't admit it to myself. It was too much.

At one point he asked me why did I want to be with him, when I knew I had mental illness. Why would I bring that into his life. I took it as a genuine question, but my friend told me that was ice cold and mean thing to say. I didn't know that I had cptsd when I became his girlfriend. I only knew about the chronic depression, anxiety and PD. And i had told him about it. I did warn him.

My ex said that he now feels so worthless, and he doesn't know if that is my fault or not.  And after that long conversation I broke completely down. And he started comforting me, and I saw a glimpse of the man that I did fall in love with soon a decade ago.

My friend says that kind of behaviour, breaking someone down only then to come to their rescue is somewhat abusive behaviour.

But I am so scared now that I have infact been emotionally abusive towards my ex. That has NEVER been my intention. I wanted nothing but the best for him. I still do, I just don't want to be in that equation with him.

And this all leaves me very confused.

When does * behaviour turn into abusive? When someone else would just react with " that's an $-5&#" to the same treatment that would leave me emotionally incapacitated?

I live together with my ex. I broke up roughly 4 years ago, yet we have continued to live together for many reasons. But mainly due to money and the unwillingness of wanting to let completely go.

I told him I need to move out soon. We are just fighting or bickering. Neither can truly move on and work towards being the best us we can be as long as we live the way we do right now.

A few days ago we had another talk about it. Quite a few things were said and I learned alot of new things I hadn't known. He gave up his education for me ( which I had no idea. And I wouldn't have let him do so if I had known at the time. I see education as very important).

But now I am wondering if I am making the right choice. I am seeing a semblance of the man I fell for, not the boy he became since. I wonder if I gave up too soon. If I didn't tell him the truth soon enough.
He says that when we move apart we have to cut contact completey. It will be too hard on him to keep seeing me, or being in contact with me. And although I understand that, I didn't expect it. And I keep crying myself into panic attacks after panic attacks.

I don't know if I should tell him all the things I would need for him to do and change if I were to give him a second chance. The problem is too.. I don't event know if it would work. I don't know if it would be enough. Because it's not just him, it's my past. It's me. And I am not sure if asking him to change for me would be fair when I don't even know if it would work.
I generally believe too, that people should change if they want to, not because other people are telling them to.
But am I taking away his choice for choosing to change or not if I don't let him know?

A friend of mine says no, she says he is an adult he can figure that out on his own. But just because he is an adult that doesn't mean he is a mind reader. I know I definitely am not one.

Or am I just being selfish? And scared?

It's 0300 where I am at. I'm usually not awake at this hour, but my head was drowning in thoughts.

My GP asked me today if I would consider medication for depression. I said no. The side effect risks are too high. I don't want to risk them.
But then, just now I had a thought. I also got my b12 injection today and although things aren't good... It's been a better day. So I wonder;

Could one become more vulnerable to a round of depression if one is low (or too high) in some of the various vitamins, minerals or other traceable things we got going on on the inside?
I do know that lack of vitamin D and Bs can cause problems for mental health. But is there things one can check for and then prevent the vulnerability?

It's 3 in the morning so I am not sure if this is making any sense. I sent my GP a message hopefully she'll get back to me before the weekend

I am considering starting to date again this year. I say again, but truth is I've never dated.  My first relationship was sexually abusive and I never unlearned or recovered from that.

I would like to not be alone, but I dread physical contact. I don't understand how people who have suffered SA and R Are able to learn to like,/enjoy/love sex again, how can I do this?

Hi! I tried to search and I didn't find anything on this page.  So I hope it's okay I just ask it here.
Does anyone have a book they recommend which is about learning to set boundaries? I thought there'd be loads out there, but everytime I search it's the same one that pops up. It's either the one that is written by some christian psychologists and where the reviews say they quote the scripture at every possible time - that's not for me. And the other one is written by someone who's a trained mental health professional - I don't even know what that means... And I would like it written by a psychologist, researcher, or something like that.

To S,

In our last meeting you were giving me suggestions on what things I could add to my breakfast to make me feel fuller for a longer period. You gave me a few suggestions that I said no to, after which a point you told me in a direct, but also rather harsh tone, that if I kept saying no, then you wouldn't want to try and come up with more suggestions.

I do recognize that it can be frustrating and difficult when someone is shooting down almost all of your suggestions, and I am sorry to be the source of your frustration. However, I also do come to you because I do have a problem with food. It does appear to me that you believe my problem is mainly over-eating, perhaps that is because I look a certain way and because I talk more about my frustration about feeling that I eat too much more than talking about being afraid of eating.  I have said before that my diagnosis isn't "binge-eating disorder", it is "mixed eating disorder", and I do need you to recognize that in order for us to work together.  However, I am digressing off topic slightly.

I know, as you do, that eating disorder is often develloped as a symptom or a coping mechanism for other underlying problems that are harder to deal with, or perhaps as a result of not having enough healthy coping mechanisms to deal with difficult situations, feelings and/or thoughts. And I'm not an exception to this. One of my many struggles are conflicts, and right now I do feel we have one. And I'm not quite sure how to go about it. As a result of your frustration I now don't feel like I can say no to you anymore, even if I disagree with you, and that, I suspect will be counter-intuitive to progress to my health and recovery. I am aware that it is a silly response, that I should be allowed to say when I disagree or when a suggestion doesn't work for me in my life without it escalating to a conflict or being problem for someone else. But there hasn't been alot of room for that in my life, and thus it's become an automatic responce for me to just accept that everyone else is always right and I'm always wrong.

....

I can't finish this. I'm feeling awful and disgusting and just.. No.

[GREAT]

I ended my last journal writing about my first day at my new job. And I forgot to write something incredible important!

I had a goal, I was so terrified before I went in I nearly shat my pants (no joke)... but I did it! I followed through. I didn't listen to the anxiety monster.

But more than that I dared to voice my ideal working hours and asked for them. Which is not something that I could have done only a short while ago. And to me, this is huge.

And despite having done both, I continued to challenge myself afterwards and visit a "red-zone" store! And I walked past the "red-zone" busstop.

I did GREAT today.

I was sitting down to write the letter to Lady T that I mentioned in my journal, and I got to the second line and I didn't quite know how to continue. I stopped to think and so many things that I want to say came to mind. And I'm not quite sure if it's to her that I want to say them all, or to the world, or to myself. But, I just need to write them all down and sort it later.


To Lady T,
I was going to write to you about a memory of mine, a very difficult one. And after I had apologized for my awful handwriting and that I had a few words I wanted to say before the memory itself, my mind went everywhere. And I couldn't quite decide upon what I should and want to actually say.

Words are difficult, not only because I'm dyslectic, but because I often find I don't have the right words or that I feel the words doesn't rightly connect with what I'm feeling or intending. I had been struggling, I felt, to describe exactly what I want to say. To prevent it getting lost in translation. More often than not I've experienced being misunderstood. It's unpleasant.

I have worries, concerns and questions about how the next six months will go. I fear I will get bad, and I fear I don't have enough coping mechanisms. I'm not quite sure that's true however. I've been doing poorly before, and I got through that. Yet somehow that doesn't matter. One would think that with all the exposure therapy and the experience and re-experience of going through depressive periods with or without hyperarousal I should be more optimistic or atleast believe in myself that I can get through this too. I am blabbering, I want to believe that I can do it this time. That now I am prepared and ready to talk about all my nightmares. That I am strong enough. And then there's this voice asking me: "Am I being realistic now?", and I don't know.

I am scared. I am scared to fail, because if I fail again - I am not really sure what more to do. I don't know how I am going to just keep going again. I am talking about the gallery, therapy and the surgery - all of it, as well as life in-between. I've used up all my plans. A, to G, I'm on H. I've compromised alot, I've lost alot, I've had to give up on alot. I don't know what else I can give if I fail at this now. And I know, I know, that the pressure of succeeding becomes all the more higher, and makes it all the more difficult for me to actually get past it. And it's moments like this I am worried that I've got what's called "learned helplessness", just waiting for myself to fail so I can point at me and say "There,  I told me - I couldn't do it. And here's the proof". And god I hope not, I hope that's not me.

This is going in a totally different direction than I intended.

So, to back up a little for a moment. I think I want, and need to start talking about my nightmares. I am not sure I will be able to do it without fading away or freezing, or panicking. Maybe I'll end up distansing myself from what's happening - which I understand is a defence mechanism too, but I doubt it'll be particularly helpful to what I am aiming to achieve. I will need help to talk, I'll need to be prompted, because I think we both know I will automatically avoid the topics if I can. Even if I don't notice it myself that's what I'm doing.  But I realise I need to just jump in:

I am not sure if this is in the right place.

My roomie has been going on my nerves so much lately (My roomie is also my ex bf for a few years now). Ive not felt comfortable at home, getting no rest. But today he left to visit his family over the holidays and I am suddenly scared. It's empty and lonely and I am unprotected. I live in the same place as I did when I was in contact with the "sect people" and they know where I live. I haven't seen them for 2 years, I have been ghosting them. I changed my phone number and my social media pages. But I am scared they will come knocking. I have no defence.

I had hoped that I could finally get some rest, get some re-charging and re-focus my mind on what's to come for the next year. Instead I am hiding in my bedroom plagued by old memories, quick flashbacks and the fear there will be a knock on the door.

I'm going on a vacation for a week.
Sending you all some good vibes

On Monday I asked my Lady T about wether I should say yes to meeting a surgeon now, or postpone it. Her response made me scared that she think it's time to end therapy. I was on the fence on how to deal with this fear, if I should wait and see what happens. If I should tell her this is worrying me and ask her what she was actually thinking, get my GP to call her and say she's worried about me.  Or ask her about it after group today.

So I ended up asking her today. It was a spur of the moment desicion. I said that after session on Monday I felt a bit worried. She asked if if was something she said or did, and I was honest and said yes. I told her that I worried she meant the end of treatment now. I told her I was also worried if I should ask her, but that I didn't want it hanging over me now that I'm going abroad. She told me that she had no plans on ending therapy now. And I was hit with a wave of relief. I feel like I can breathe again for the first time since I left her office on Monday.
I also told her I feel like I am not functioning at the moment. It wasn't a topic we went into, since we only had a few minutes. But I told her I am just practicing telling her how I really feel at the moment. She appreciated that.

But it was so nice, to be able to actually use my words. I feel, and I hope the people around me agrees, that I have become better at using words.

So today I am acknowledging my success!

I rarely have 3 panic attacks/anxiety attacks in one day. Usually they are either prolongued never ending, or I remove myself completely from the trigger and refuse to come out of my hidey-hole until it's safe. But yesterday I had 3 in one day. I had one major one which I don't know how long I was fighting, because it started while I was blacked out (dissociating strongly), I just recall someone helping me out of it.

Normally when I have anxiety attacks I'm so worn out I sleep well during the night, but I kept waking up, I'm not sure if I was ever deep asleep to be honest. But I started getting pain in my legs which also kept waking me up. And by the time I was so much awake sleep wasn't going to come back, the pain was more intense. It's in my shins, so it feels like a intense case of shin splits in both my legs. My lower back, my * and my hip are also somewhat aching, but nothing compared to my shins.

I do struggle with alot of inflammation, I have a chronic low-grade inflammation in my body due to PCOS. But I can't remember having experienced this before, I do believe it's because of the anxiety attacks (unless, of course I did something I've no recollection of while being blacked out), but I'm not sure. I was wondering if anyone else have had such physical reactions after a panic attack or two?
I do have tense and tight muscles after alot of anxiety, but this is worse. I can barely walk.

I had stopped SH for a long while, years actually. I thought it wasnt an issue anymore. Then I was re-traumatized, and it came back. But I had more skills and more things to do in order to fight the impulses. And with help of Lady T, I have been free of all of the various SH for atleast 6 months.

But not anymore. Things are too hard, I struggle so much with using other coping mechanisms.

I am sharing this here, incase it helps me, not doing any SH by talking about it. I hope that's okay.

I've been doing good lately, really good infact. I'm not sure if it is going to last, but what I do know is that I got hope back that when I do fall back into the depression stages again, I will know that I will feel good again. I'm not cured, I still got trauma to work through, and it will be hard as *.
It's happened a few times in my life when the fog of depression has lifted and I've felt better for a while, and I've always wondered what it was that I did to make it all better. This time I took the time to analyze, and I thought I'd share with you my little steps (and the bigger ones).
Although, as a disclaimer I would like to say: For a while they didn't work, for a long time in-fact. But I kept doing them anyway, because I trusted my Lady T and the advices I'd been given. I didn't have anything to lose by keep trying, it didn't cost me anything - so why not?


- At the end of every day I would write down every positive thing that happened to me during that day.  In the beginning it was hard to spot them, but it got easier with practice, although there were many days there weren't anything positive. But it could range from that the weather on that day was nice. Funny shape of a cloud, a smile from a stranger, a conversation with a friend, discovery of something, a good meal. Anything positive. The reason behind this is to remind the brain, make it remember.

- On occation I would stop up after a shower and actually be kind to my body and use moisturizing cream all over. (it's not something I usually do). But I'd feel better.

- I'd look at the stars

- I'd reach out to a friend and say "I got a bad day today, but can I come over anyway?" - and I wouldn't talk about why the day was bad. We'd talk about other things, normal things. And I might not feel better there and then, but I would avoid feeling worse by being stuck in my own head. Over time, this really made connect better with them.

-Be outside, in the sun if I could. Just get some fresh air for a few minutes.

-Go for a walk, in my own speed. For my own sake, looking around at the world around me.

-Lie down on the sofa and listen to the rain outside

-Lie down on the sofa and listen to music

- Avoid reading the news in the morning

- Read an enjoyable book

- Excersise, this is a hard one for me. Because I feel I need to perform, but when I slow down and do it for me, and not in order to prove something or to get validation from others, this work really well.

- Listening to TED.com talks about various topics, sometimes over and over again.

-Allow myself to be sad or angry

- Talk kindly to myself whenever I am being attacked by the Shame-monster

- Write down 3 things, first thing in the morning before I do anything else, what I'm grateful for today.

- And tell people I appreciate them.


There's a few other things too, but this post is already too long. I hope that my discoveries will be helpful to someone else out there.

Like most artist I more often than not do NOT think whatever I'm working on is good enough. But last night I finished a colour study I was kind of happy with. And I asked an artist friend of mine what he thought, as he'd seen it while I was still in the beginning stages.
His reply was "um I don't think it's finished", without explaining what he meant with that, or how he thought I should push it further.
And now it's making me feel worthless, eventhough I've gotten a few comments on facebook by people (mainly non-artists) that they really like it.
I am scared that I don't see how terrible it actually is.
My friend isn't the kind of person who's afraid of giving critique, but I wasn't asking for critique.

And now I don't know how to deal with this, for me this is now a conflict. And conflicts scare me.
In my head he has told me I am not good enough. But I'm also annoyed at him for saying such a thing without explaining. What was the point of that statement - other than shooting me down?
And I don't know if I should tell him I'm not okay with such answers  - or if I should just not talk to him about my art ever again. Just generally not talk to him at all. Silent treatment. And it feels childish.

I am just really bummed out. I was getting excited to do art again. And now I'm scared to open up photoshop and it'll suck.

Today I had a new thought, a new sensation.
I think, that perhaps, maybe.. That I'm becoming a better person.