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Topics - hypervigilante

#1
Friends / Feeling the Loss of a Very Dear Friend
September 27, 2015, 05:32:04 AM
Hello Everyone,

Today I have learned fully and truly to let go of a withering, unhelpful relationship.  I'm rationally classifying this as a "win," but the hurt of a deep loss of someone important to my formative years lingers on.  I'm trying to be patient with that mourning process.

***POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING***

I lost a sibling four years ago, and it shook up my whole family (dysfunctional family at that) dynamic off it's hinges, and me many steps toward recovering from something I didn't realize how deeply I struggled with. (CPTSD)

Slowly but surely, as each and every one of my relationships before the date of my brother's untimely passing, I have noticed the unhealthy nature of these existing one-way relationships.  I was only comfortable giving and never taking, so I did not make very good friends, in retrospect.  Today, I let go of the very last one.

One by one, I recognized in all of my past relationships that I was not being treated as equally as I felt my worth deserved.  This is a sad and somewhat lonely process, and lots of my identity comes into question... But at the same time, it's a testament to gaining self-worth little by little. I just wasn't willing to let go of the final person, because I felt like I was letting a former me die.

I struggle with finding this a good thing all the time amidst the deep sense of loss I experience.  I worried that I was responding in a way I'd regret to everyone I ever knew.  I just changed so much.  I will never be the same again, and that makes me sad.  But I also feel a lot of shame. Realizing that this person was who I'd call my biggest, most influential friend... my dearest friend... the one above all friends who treated me the best I'd ever had in my formative years... it really eats up at my self-esteem to finally recognize that not even she is not a kind enough friend for me.  It's a mix of loss and of self-disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation- these are all just the words at the tip of my tongue.  I vacillate between degrees of worthiness, worthlessness, sadness, pride, calm, rejection, hurt, anger, defiance, and ever so deeply so quietly and fleeting I'll find a degree of peace somewhere in it.  But the tears come charging in quickly as these emotions go.

I was going to post this in my journal, but I wondered if more people might see similarities in this... losing friends on the road to self-discovery.


Thanks, friends,
-HV
#2
General Discussion / Awaiting a prelim appt with a new T
September 09, 2015, 09:37:47 PM
I am waiting outside the office of a potential new T.

I did my research and I'm really excited, it seems like a perfect fit.

My stomach boils and drowns in anticipation.

I just hope it's what I need. I waited a long time to reach a place for a T again.

Does anyone else face this anxiety? Or ever have? What stage is it in, if so?
#3
Recovery Journals / Hypervigilante's Journal
May 14, 2015, 07:37:51 PM
Today, I guess, I'm starting my journal.  This tool seems great.

I am staggering right now and facing crisis. I didn't know I was capable of "freezing" because I didn't recognize it. But I sure recognize it today. And this week. And in my M.

Sometimes I miss the me that used to stay positive all the time.  Other times I miss the me I haven't discovered yet.  The one with more sides of my personality that I haven't gotten to meet since it all started.   

I'm neither the half-empty me who naively squandered other parts of me, the younger one who didn't really know what she was all about yet, but was really sure she did and was argumentative about it, or the one who has a calm heart and loves herself for all of it.   I love and strive for growth mercilessly, but sometimes I wish I loved it less. Maybe I'd be less exhausted.

I worry incessantly. I'm pretty good at it.

I know I need a T in my new hometown. Moving so much makes it difficult, as soon as I feel good about one T I have to leave. Financially it's difficult to accomplish right now as well.  As it always has been - but it happens to especially be right now more than ever.

My old T got a letter I sent her and called me a week ago. I want to call her back, but not until I can tell her that I'm doing well.  I still feel responsible for the world's behaviors, actions, and other's feelings.  I want her to feel appreciated and not always thought of in times of distress.  Isn't that weird? She's my T. I'm pretty sure she'd be alright with that.

She could recommend someone for me up here probably, she's offered before.  But I'm falling on my face again and I know I need a T. I always have known, this whole last year without one has been rough.  I just want to work on recovery, but life gets so much in the way. I don't want to admit to my T that I'm calling in need.  When for so long I've meant to call her in thanks, but never did.  It makes me feel selfish and undeserving.

My BF is great, but I struggle to allow that all the time.  I just want to get better at this.  Sometimes I am, and it feels great.  Others are like today.
#4
Hello Community,

I could use some help with this one.

My primal mode of handling when I was younger was to shut everything out, which I'm sure many people here can relate to.  Anything negative seeming, feeling, smelling, or sounding, I'd replace with something positive promptly and stuff those feelings deep, deep down.  When I was a kid, I felt proud of my positivity with no regard for what I was doing to my feelings while they navigated negative forces.

This was such a triggered reaction that when studies became much more intense in high school, and I had learning difficulties.  I went to a psychoneurologist who diagnosed me ADD and prescribed me medication.  While I was able to focus through a task, my come-downs were absolutely horrifying.  I had severe, inescapable EFs and a staggering support system that would topple at the notice of my crying spells.  I switched medications to something more controllable.  This helped for a while, but I realized that when I couldn't switch my brain off so easily, I had a lot of dark history to delve into.

I refer to that time as a very dark time and would feel depression coming along and fight it aggressively and hatefully.  Because I didn't want to see myself in the state I had been during that time. 

Many years, 2 wonderful Ts, and a C-PTSD diagnosis later, I am more resolute than ever to recover in healthy ways.

Recently I have been working on remembering lots of my pain and trying to allow the opportunity to mourn.  I want to be patient and handle the emotions as they well up, and talk to my IC and figure out what it is that frightens her, maddens her, etc.  I set aside time each evening to work on this and to stay open-minded, but she instead cries out to me in the middle of the day.  When I'm on public transit, in the middle of a task at work, or other vulnerable tasks where I can't reach her.  I feel guilty for not being there for my IC because I'm trying to encourage this growth, but the line of work I am in does not allow for me to leave for a 15 minute bathroom break.  I'm an independent contractor, so every minute I'm called into work I'm working, and each job is like an interview for the next one.

How can I balance the scales between wanting to be there for my IC and having emotional disruptions and random crying spells in my daily life where it's not safe to do so?

Anyone ever experience this or have advice they can give/have taken/have needed/heard?



#5
Hello Community!

This is my first posted question. Woah! :)  Sorry if you're seeing double, I believe I mistakenly posted this to another area of the forum.  I'll get better!

Those who have experienced/are experiencing marriage, domestic partnerships, or long-term very symbolic unions/commitments:



Relationships- does it get better? 



I am working so hard on my recovery and I'm with a securely attached man I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's survived a lot and still reaches out to me when I confusingly push/pull.  With my extreme gratitude, he has only been understanding instead of finding it overwhelming.  Yet I still have my triggers and I can be very convincing if my protective instincts want to see him as a threat just for being associated with a historical triggers.

Previously, I never could picture myself getting married, ever.  It wasn't sad as much as it felt factual.  And now I really am dreaming up this place where I could love someone forever and trust that they love me back.

Is this achievable? Is anyone close? Have I been imaging some figurative "Eden" that doesn't exist?  Or is it more like something you get better at over time, but it never goes away?

Or for those who have experienced divorce/dissolution; how do people recover from that level of expectation being scratched? ... Do they?

I'm so long-winded, and I even EDITED this message! Thanks for making it this far.
:)
#6
Hello Community!

This is my first posted question. Woah! :)

Those who have experienced/are experiencing marriage, domestic partnerships, or long-term very symbolic unions/commitments:



Relationships- does it get better? 



I am working so hard on my recovery and I'm with a securely attached man I truly want to spend the rest of my life with.  He's survived a lot and still reaches out to me when I confusingly push/pull.  With my extreme gratitude, he has only been understanding instead of finding it overwhelming.  Yet I still have my triggers and I can be very convincing if my protective instincts want to see him as a threat just for being associated with a historical triggers.

I never could picture myself getting married, ever.  It wasn't sad as much as it felt factual.  And now I really am dreaming up this place where I could love someone forever and trust that they love me back.

Is this achievable? Is anyone close? Have I been imaging some figurative "Eden" that doesn't exist?  Or is it more like something you get better at over time, but it never goes away?

Or for those who have experienced divorce/dissolution; how do people recover from that level of expectation being scratched? ... Do they?

I'm so long-winded, and I even EDITED this message! Thanks for making it this far.
:)