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Topics - Rainagain

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Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Taking a long view
« on: February 14, 2021, 12:15:12 AM »
I havent posted much for a year or so.

I want to say that in the 4/5 years since I left my dreadful employer my mental anguish has been getting less damaging.

I am not sure what has helped with this, certainly not health professionals or medication.

I believe three things helped, one was immersing myself in my story until I felt I had understood what happened, this was actually very distressing and difficult.

The second was living away from further harm, I live very quietly and over time the repetitive routine of my rather isolated life has helped to calm me.

The third element was taking steps to regain some control, since leaving my employer I have obtained a pension, won a court case and have further actions underway. These steps have allowed me to regain a sense that I am not helpless after all, my bullies can be tackled.

This post may not help others as everyone's situation is different and I now see that I was fortunate to find a path that seems to be leading me away from the suffering of the past.

For a long time I couldn't see any way to come to terms with things, I felt hopeless.

More recently I have reached an understanding with myself, while I dont welcome nightmares, sleepless nights and periods of depression I dont find them as upsetting as I used to.

My version of recovery may simply be understanding and learning to live with poor mental health, but it does feel like a small achievement, one I didn't expect to manage.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Revenge is my recovery?
« on: January 25, 2020, 10:37:45 AM »
Posted a lot about my workplace trauma.

I've been talking to a journalist for a trade magazine in my old field of work, they want to do a feature based on how badly I was treated and the resulting psychiatric damage I suffered.

They think there might be national press interest in what happened to me.

So, pushing back against the harrassment I suffered gives me some power back after I was harmed, it could be part of getting well, or getting closure.

But it means opening myself up to further harm and labelling myself as a victim for all to see.

It's a small revenge, but probably worth the risks, perhaps.

I dont feel I have much left to lose, so much has already gone.

General Discussion / Feeling trapped by trauma
« on: January 11, 2020, 06:42:22 AM »
I had time as an adult when I wasn't traumatised.

Thinking back to those days I had a sort of mental freedom, I could deal with things, could interact with anyone without worry, I was mentally free.

I didn't really notice it, that was just how things were.

Now i am fettered, so many situations are uncomfortable and therefore avoided, nothing seems to work out in a satisfactory way, i have little ability to cope with even small challenges.

I may not have noticed my old mental freedom, but I am more and more aware of my current much reduced ability to get on with life.

As I have gotten older I have less physical strength and stamina, that is normal and to be expected/accepted.

It is hard to accept losing my previous mental freedom, it isn't a natural part of growing older. It happened quickly whilst I was in my 20's, not natural.

Not sure why I am posting this, probably lack of sleep makes me think it is some sort of insight.....

General Discussion / Becoming less reactive
« on: December 25, 2019, 12:04:21 PM »
Just something I would appreciate some comments on:

I am becoming less reactive to things which happen, mostly.

A little distance between actions of others and my reaction is probably a good and healthier way to be.

But it might also be numbing, depression or dissociation, which is not good.

There is no clear way to steer between getting triggered by everything and becoming withdrawn and immobile.

And perhaps keeping yourself in between those two different types of calamity doesnt mean you are healthy anyway, just trying to delay crashing into either isnt the same as health or recovery.

Anyone else recognise this?

I am trying to improve my life but not sure how to do it.

Symptoms - Other / Being treated poorly
« on: November 25, 2019, 02:06:56 AM »
This is not really a symptom I guess.

But I often feel I am treated poorly.

It's a general feeling and happens in lots of ways.

I find I often dont get the outcome I want or expect, but others seem to do ok.

Or maybe I do ok, but believe I would do better if I was.....less how I am.

Does anyone recognise this feeling? It's like I am of less worth than everyone else so dont deserve the same treatment.

Part of my isolating myself is because I cant get fair treatment from others, or it seems like that to me, most encounters seem to take something out of me.

I seem to have developed this recently, it's a skin infection in the deepest layer of the skin.

As it's new to me I am wondering if anyone else has had this?

I wonder if stress has lowered my immune system allowing this to take hold.

It clears up quickly with antibiotics but then comes back somewhere else, bit odd.

Ideas/Tools for Recovery / Recovery pressure
« on: September 03, 2019, 07:32:20 AM »
Can I ask for any comments on the following thought please?

In my situation trying to recover is actually a bit of a burden, I have well diagnosed issues and have not been helped much by talk therapies and various meds.

My psychiatric prognosis is that I will always be like I am now, my issues are substantial and of long standing.

Just getting along and minimising my distress is my goal, I think I gave up the idea of recovery a while back. But maybe that giving up is acceptance which is part of recovery?

I dont know what I'm saying here, maybe I'm asking if it is ok to aim low, forget about total success and just hope for mild improvements, or even just not getting any worse?

Symptoms - Other / Sleep injuries
« on: August 06, 2019, 08:45:39 AM »
My sleep is troubled, I hold my arms up to protect my head  most of the night. This has caused shoulder problems for me.

This last week I thought I might have heart trouble, I had pain and numbness in my left arm, back And chest.

Once I worked out it was actually damage caused by thrashing about in my sleep it was such a relief, I was expecting a heart attack.

It is odd to experience something as pretty alarming and then to not mind about it once you put it in its place. The pain isnt that bad, it was the anxiety as to what it might mean that was difficult.

General Discussion / Pre cptsd
« on: July 31, 2019, 11:00:26 PM »
I'm thinking it might help for people to state what they were like before cptsd arrived.

I used to post on here with Ah who couldn't imagine a life before cptsd as Ah had never had a life before it.

I suspect Ah is no more, I miss Ah.

I was outgoing, confident, capable, somewhat successful.

Now I am miles away from those things.

For those who feel rejected by the world, it's the cptsd and not you.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Total validation
« on: July 31, 2019, 10:51:43 PM »
Not sure if this helps anyone,but.....

Just had a report from the independent pensions consultant and he is firm that I should have had ill health retirement when I left my job with an injury they caused 3 years ago.

It's so amazing I cannot take it all in.

I was asked to take on a job, I said it was risky but they insisted.

It brought risk to the lives of myself and my family but they washed their hands of the fall out, that caused my breakdown.

Today's report is such validation, I've read it repeatedly, it is so accurate and I cant believe someone 'official' gets it.

Just, wow

It might get me a pension but even if it doesn't and I have to carry on living on fresh air it is such a wonderful validation of what went on.

I am so different now I have cptsd.

But it wasnt my fault, I was turned into this person by the vile actions of others.

Someone has come out fighting my corner, it is so unexpected

I just needed an honest compassionate voice amongst the cacophony shouting me down for so many years.

The report states that my Ill health began 8 years ago when my work put me at risk and just got worse over time.

I suppose cptsd is caused by others and I have an official report saying exactly that.

Validation, there it is.

Symptoms - Other / PNES absence siezures
« on: July 29, 2019, 12:39:05 PM »
Dont know if this has been posted about before.

I have absence seizures, my psych thought it might be narcolepsy or epilepsy.

I've just found an item about PNES at and that's basically what I have.

My psych didn't seem to know it existed.

It often co presents with chronic pain and ptsd, I have chronic pain and cptsd or PTSD.

I'm amazed, another odd symptom turns out to be 'a thing' which is apparently recognised...

Another piece of the puzzle.

Depression / Depression masked by ptsd
« on: June 07, 2019, 01:38:28 AM »
Recently remembered that one of my psych reports said that my ptsd/cptsd masks the underlying major depressive disorder.

I've been going through a depressive episode over the last 6 months and recently realised that I have been depressed and that my PTSD symptoms have in some way eased a little.

Traumatised me reacts with anger when triggered, I haven't been feeling that sense of burning injustice lately, I've been more detached.

Maybe that has allowed the depressed me to show through more, it feels like that.

Or maybe a depressive episode has calmed down the traumatised me.

I think I prefer the depression, feeling nothing is easier than feeling too much.

I only realised something had changed recently, some people I hadn't seen for 6 months commented on dramatic weight loss, I hadn't noticed that either but it is a sign of depression so I made the link.

Could be an issue if PTSD improvement just brings out depression more strongly, the cure could somehow be worse than the disorder, typical, I should have known there would be a catch, there always seems to be one.

Other / Chronic pain
« on: May 23, 2019, 04:15:30 PM »
Anyone else suffer from this?

Mine started around the time of my first depression many years ago, probably preceded the cptsd so might not be cptsd related.

Jordan Peterson has said 'depression is chronic pain and chronic pain is depression'

Not sure what he means as I experience both as seemingly independent.

But he seems to know his stuff.......

General Discussion / Running away is a normal response
« on: March 03, 2019, 12:43:39 PM »
This is probably not relevant to most but helped me.

Had a psych evaluation and at the end the psych mentioned that my leaving the country to live alone and isolated far away is something he has seen before.

It's a normal (or at least understandable) reaction to extreme circumstances.

I find comfort in thinking that many of my symptoms are probably also exactly that, my external environment had to change and presumably my mind also  became altered through things I could not control.

If there is a dent in your car it's not correct to blame the car, the cause wasn't  the car's fault.

For me its helpful to think like this instead of blaming myself for other people's actions.

My case against my former employer is that they caused my psychiatric injuries, ie they put the dents in my psyche. I hadn't realised fully that it was not my fault, I maybe could have been better at looking after myself but I didn't harm my psyche, they did. Makes a difference somehow.

I wouldn't blame someone who became overwhelmed by a horrible situation, but I have been blaming myself, weird double standards.

Workplace Bullying/Harassment/Abuse / Confusing stories
« on: February 11, 2019, 11:33:10 AM »
Back to isolation after having to travel to meet a psych.

Very anxious time but done with.

The psych wasn't on the same page as me at all, a bit surreal really.

My ex employer has recently started to attack me directly, my integrity, my personality, all the important parts of a person.

Met an ex colleague and had a really good chat. When I mentioned this recent character attack they looked really shocked as they couldn't see how I could be seen as anything other than honest and hardworking.

That shock was real and so supportive, an honest response which helped to bolster me against the character attacks I face.

I was liked and respected by many, I never felt that but it was and is true.

It negates the shame to realise this, it helps to protect me from the negativity.

It's so hard to get my story straight when others are trying to warp things.

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