Hi everyone,
I need some guidance and hoping someone or more than one in here might be able to relate and/or shed some light.
*** TW CSA, DV and other violence ***
Just to give you some background, I have suffered abuse my whole life, sexually molested as a child, probably more than once truthfully, but can only remember the one incident, another I'm uncertain was molestation and another where a totally different person tried to grope me at 13 but I got away before it went further that time.
Grew up with a volatile alcoholic father who beat my mom profusely for years on end, cheated etc for years. The years of 4 to 10 in my life were absolutely terrifying because of his rage and violence. Even almost killing my mom one night in front of the 3 of us, threatening to shoot her with a shotgun while we and she pleaded for her life. I spent YEARS in such hypervigilance that even now in my 40's I'm a mess. My dad made me a nervous wreck as kid, watching me do things like open packages of cereal and tearing into me if I didn't do it just right etc. It's been literally a lifetime of eggshells for the smallest and even insignificant things.
*** End TW ***
The abuse cycle continued when I married a man almost as bad as my dad who abused me in almost every way except he didn't drink, just naturally abusive on his own. (PD person)
Anyway, I have had an issue with something most of my adult life (age 29 - now), something that has caused me so much trouble and grief yet I haven't found a way to control it. It occurred to me for the first time ever last night that maybe this was because of the C-PTSD but when I googled it I'm not seeing it in anything like this on any of the symptom lists.
So what happens is, I have an unreasonable fear of anger or angry people to the point that if anyone does anything that triggers me that way, I talk about what happened to anyone who will listen, the first person I can get the pain out to no matter who they are ends up hearing quite private details of my life. It started as a child, we weren't allowed to talk about what went on in the house. One day I moved a calendar to show my grandma visiting a hole my dad punched in the wall under it. My mom hung it there to hide it. I was 4. I told my grandma "look what the incredible hulk did last night" and moved it to show her. I got in A LOT of trouble for that and never spoke another word to anyone about all the violence I was living in. I stayed quiet about my personal like until my husband started with the abuse and cheating and then like one of the replies said it was like a dam opened and never closed. (I modified this post cause originally I didn't explain it properly that from 4 to 29 I rarely shared anything with anyone.)
So, Moving on to later in life, I went through years of on ongoing hideous abuse from my soon to be ex-husband of 24 years, and as soon as that started, I just talked and talked to get the pain and fear out. To people in front of me in line at the store if they saw I'd been crying and asked if was ok, to bosses at work, to neighbors, to friends and family, to customers I had at work or in my online endeavors etc. you name it.
And now I suffer getting trouble the same way I did as a child. My ex is blaming me for the downfall of our marriage "because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and he needs a woman who won't speak his name" I realize why he needs that privacy, since he's so abusive he needs to protect his outward image but at the same time, I can't understand my intense need to do this.
It's almost like an out of control thing. Even when I've had therapists to talk to etc. If he did something abusive or behaved even slightly mean or volatile to me, I'd be on my phone telling the first person I could reach or text or message etc., frantically trying to get relief which I seem to get when I "talk" and get it out. Problem is I can't stop. If I get it out to my mom, I also will tell my sister, multiple friends, and many other people. It's a strange symptom and maybe it doesn't relate to PTSD or CPTSD at all but I'm wondering if anyone else suffers from this "diarrhea of the mouth" issue.
Before we split up, my ex went through my phone, email, texts, facebook etc. and said I am a psychopath with a big mouth and wants nothing to do with me once he realized I'd been sharing so much private stuff between us with so many people. Though I tell him, maybe he should worry more about the egregious abuse he put me through for the last 15 years than how I respond to the abuse or fighting but to him, it's my fault for talking, not his for doing the stuff that caused me to frantically reach out for help from the pain.
I'm feeling like a terrible person who lets out all private information and I can't seem to get this habit out of my life. It's truly a FRANTIC need to "talk" about my problems and when I say frantic I do mean frantic. I go into a state of intense fear and panic over it and just let it all out to everyone and anyone with no regard for even my own privacy. I've regretted later after the panic subsides every single time but still do it anyway.
Please tell me you can relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this? Anyone else experience this?
I need some guidance and hoping someone or more than one in here might be able to relate and/or shed some light.
*** TW CSA, DV and other violence ***
Just to give you some background, I have suffered abuse my whole life, sexually molested as a child, probably more than once truthfully, but can only remember the one incident, another I'm uncertain was molestation and another where a totally different person tried to grope me at 13 but I got away before it went further that time.
Grew up with a volatile alcoholic father who beat my mom profusely for years on end, cheated etc for years. The years of 4 to 10 in my life were absolutely terrifying because of his rage and violence. Even almost killing my mom one night in front of the 3 of us, threatening to shoot her with a shotgun while we and she pleaded for her life. I spent YEARS in such hypervigilance that even now in my 40's I'm a mess. My dad made me a nervous wreck as kid, watching me do things like open packages of cereal and tearing into me if I didn't do it just right etc. It's been literally a lifetime of eggshells for the smallest and even insignificant things.
*** End TW ***
The abuse cycle continued when I married a man almost as bad as my dad who abused me in almost every way except he didn't drink, just naturally abusive on his own. (PD person)
Anyway, I have had an issue with something most of my adult life (age 29 - now), something that has caused me so much trouble and grief yet I haven't found a way to control it. It occurred to me for the first time ever last night that maybe this was because of the C-PTSD but when I googled it I'm not seeing it in anything like this on any of the symptom lists.
So what happens is, I have an unreasonable fear of anger or angry people to the point that if anyone does anything that triggers me that way, I talk about what happened to anyone who will listen, the first person I can get the pain out to no matter who they are ends up hearing quite private details of my life. It started as a child, we weren't allowed to talk about what went on in the house. One day I moved a calendar to show my grandma visiting a hole my dad punched in the wall under it. My mom hung it there to hide it. I was 4. I told my grandma "look what the incredible hulk did last night" and moved it to show her. I got in A LOT of trouble for that and never spoke another word to anyone about all the violence I was living in. I stayed quiet about my personal like until my husband started with the abuse and cheating and then like one of the replies said it was like a dam opened and never closed. (I modified this post cause originally I didn't explain it properly that from 4 to 29 I rarely shared anything with anyone.)
So, Moving on to later in life, I went through years of on ongoing hideous abuse from my soon to be ex-husband of 24 years, and as soon as that started, I just talked and talked to get the pain and fear out. To people in front of me in line at the store if they saw I'd been crying and asked if was ok, to bosses at work, to neighbors, to friends and family, to customers I had at work or in my online endeavors etc. you name it.
And now I suffer getting trouble the same way I did as a child. My ex is blaming me for the downfall of our marriage "because of my inability to keep my mouth shut and he needs a woman who won't speak his name" I realize why he needs that privacy, since he's so abusive he needs to protect his outward image but at the same time, I can't understand my intense need to do this.
It's almost like an out of control thing. Even when I've had therapists to talk to etc. If he did something abusive or behaved even slightly mean or volatile to me, I'd be on my phone telling the first person I could reach or text or message etc., frantically trying to get relief which I seem to get when I "talk" and get it out. Problem is I can't stop. If I get it out to my mom, I also will tell my sister, multiple friends, and many other people. It's a strange symptom and maybe it doesn't relate to PTSD or CPTSD at all but I'm wondering if anyone else suffers from this "diarrhea of the mouth" issue.
Before we split up, my ex went through my phone, email, texts, facebook etc. and said I am a psychopath with a big mouth and wants nothing to do with me once he realized I'd been sharing so much private stuff between us with so many people. Though I tell him, maybe he should worry more about the egregious abuse he put me through for the last 15 years than how I respond to the abuse or fighting but to him, it's my fault for talking, not his for doing the stuff that caused me to frantically reach out for help from the pain.
I'm feeling like a terrible person who lets out all private information and I can't seem to get this habit out of my life. It's truly a FRANTIC need to "talk" about my problems and when I say frantic I do mean frantic. I go into a state of intense fear and panic over it and just let it all out to everyone and anyone with no regard for even my own privacy. I've regretted later after the panic subsides every single time but still do it anyway.
Please tell me you can relate? Please tell me I'm not alone in this? Anyone else experience this?