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I am in a financially rough period and am having to cut out wireless, but instead of beating myself up over it and being super depressed I am going to try to use this period for however long and work with myself. A Self Discovery Period. There are a few places from here I will remember and most likely use such as the healing porch and the three good things a day.

Thank you all for the support in which you embraced me with. I'll be back when I can.


MR

So, I've been in a bad place for the past two-two and a half weeks, and what I've always done isn't helping. I don't even know exactly what I'm experiencing. I'm fairly new to the idea of EFs and so I don't know if that's what this is. All I know is that I feel really depressed and I have a lot of other emotions/thoughts racing through me.

I'm wondering if any of you have any suggestions for what self care has helped you. Or that you use now. I'm going to have to read about it also.

Thank you.

MR

[Trigger Warning SA]

This is a Trigger Warning thread.

Trigger Warning SA

As a child when I was going through my own private *, I had no idea what I was going through all I knew is that I didn't like it. As I started to get help and 'understand' what I had suffered the labels of abuse, neglect, rape, sex trafficking etc helped me to say, "This is what all that was." And the labels served me well for many years. I had trouble looking at my own 'family' like abusers, rapists, etc, but I could label what it was that they did.

I've realized that recently I have twisted the labels. Because I feel like I'm suffering like I did before, my past seems more "real" and more "normal" than my reality now. Even though I am not getting hurt, it's just my body and my mind are back there. I react like I did back then...to an extreme level. It's frightening to those around me and it's causing me a lot of anxiety and stress.

I don't know how to explain it, :/ , it's like I can think back and those memories and feelings feel more real and more like what I know. It's kind of like if you do something for years and then all of a sudden you do something different. The thing from before feels more normal and more like what you know. That's what is happening with me. I look around me and some days I can't remember why I live here. I wake up and expect to be back in that house, not here with my father safe...

And while those labels helped me, I don't know what is what anymore. What I remember feels more real.

Trigger Warning

Melodie

Post 1:                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Dec 4, 2017

I have been struggling with whether or not to start my own journal on here. I have never been good "at keeping a journal". But at the same time there is a lot that I have difficulty with that I never share and sharing it, to get it 'out there', might be beneficial to me.

I've read through some of the people's journals on here and it always seems to be a very supported space.

So I guess here it goes...

Like I said above, I don't share a lot. And it's not because I'm a private person. There is such a vulnerability with sharing. My deepest thoughts and feelings aren't always the most pleasant and at times where I have shared I've always seemed to get one of a few responses:

        1. People that you're talking to get scared. Like all of a sudden they don't know how to interact with you anymore. It's like you've become infected or diseased.
   
        2. You get the, "Oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you! You're so strong for going through it."
   
        3. Some people regard you like you're lying. (Which confuses me. I don't know why someone would lie about this serious of things. :/ )
   
        4. Or you get the people that don't treat you any different...but not in the good way. They talk about whatever they want whether or not if affects you. It's like they don't care that they know, they will do what they want.
   
        5. And finally, you get those that know, and are cautious, but still treat you like a human being.

While not all of these responses are bad, (#2 & #5), it is very unpredictable on which response it is you will receive. I've found it just to be better to suffer quietly than suffer openly. Which is why I sat and went back and forth on whether or not to start a journal. All the posts that I have made have always had a positive or neutral response, but it still seems very unpredictable to me.

But this is it for the first post. I haven't been in the best state of mind the past few days, but I thought it would be good for me to communicate even if it's online.

MR

Whenever anything bothers me or I feel any emotion my first reaction is to control it. No one can see that I'm upset. If I am really upset and am tearing up I always try to swallow the lump in my throat and I also blink to get rid of the tears for an example. And this causes me a lot of trouble. I have gotten called emotionless and cold.

I think the cause of this behavior is the reactions I always got growing up. When I was getting abused (in any of the many forms) I would show how much it hurt and it always seemed to thrill them and I would get mocked for it. So, eventually I quit showing and all that would do is get them angry. They would continue what they were doing but they would do it with more force to try to get a reaction out of me. But when they got angry they got worn out faster and would quit sooner. And then towards the end of my many years of this I got courageous and pushed their buttons to see how far they were willing to go. I was so numb by this point that I didn't feel any pain. And feeling like I had the upper hand by pushing them made me feel strong. I would have larger and deeper scars but it was thrilling (if that is even the right word) for me because it showed me that I could survive what they were throwing me.

As I reread that it sounds quite sick of me to do that but I am having a hard day with emotions and figured writing it down might help.

Melodie

I made a profile a while ago after my father did some research and found this website...and I deleted it soon after. I felt like I was "fine". I was totally, 100% blind to all of my struggling. I had successfully masked all of my problems, not just to others but to myself as well. In the past few years I have had my eyes forced open...quickly and painfully. And right now I am at a total loss. As I am writing this I don't even know if I am "doing it right". Opening up feels like I am tearing my heart apart and I feel anxious waiting for someone to pick up a piece and laugh at me saying, "You think you've got it bad? Meet x, y, or z and try to live in their shoes for a day".

I have been diagnosed with so many different things in the years I have lived with my father that I feel like I don't even know what's wrong with me. But, I am in the process of getting testing done for some concrete answers, finally. I don't know what is normal or abnormal. From practically the time I was born (18 months) to 12 I was living in my mothers' grasp, trying to survive my own private * without ever knowing there was something different, something better.

But, anyways, I guess that's all, just wanted to post and say hi...Thanks for taking the time to read it.

Melodie