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Topics - DecimalRocket

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Iíve been told I ask too little help, so I went to the extreme of asking a lot of help. Then when I went to ask for too little help again, and people told me otherwise. This confuses me.

Maybe I should ask different amounts of help from different types of people. Maybe itís the way I ask for help thatís bad. But not sure about the specifics.

What can I do?

Successes, Progress? / I don't feel so alone anymore.
« on: May 19, 2018, 06:56:37 AM »
A part of me is still anxious and afraid of not being accepted, but for some reason, I don't have the same pangs of loneliness anymore.

What got better? My emotions of connection towards others aren't dissociated in fear of being hurt anymore. I'm willing to speak up for my own boundaries now, especially in regards to needing to be alone and resting. I also can avoid the other extreme of taking my anger out on others because I haven't asked for my boundaries sooner.

 I trust opening up to ask for help more -- whether in intellectual or emotional problems. I've gotten better at conversation skills and can think a lot more on my feet to adapt to different topics. I thought I'd relate to no one, but if I look closer, I can find more areas to relate with. My empathy catches up with my logical thinking, so my words aren't as blunt.

My curiosity winds up as a strength that I'm easily fascinated by different people's different interests, beliefs, and motives to ask questions. My sense of wonder has become a unique signature charm, even if I can be a little slow in forming my ideas, but I can call that being thoughtful, right?  :whistling:

I still get nervous and leave too soon or say too little, as well as other people's body language doesn't always full make sense to me. I'm still on the spectrum and will probably have a couple quirks or clumsiness all my life, but it won't be a dealbreaker for deep connection.

I'm not exactly joyful, really. But I'm not disappointed, and more fully relaxed.

Iím not sure why but Iím afraid Iím going crazy these days.

I guess itís because Iím willing to listen to my own opinion of things more before, and not just follow others in fear of rejection.

Many of my ideas arenít just everyday stuff. There are so many dreams of stuff I want to do that sound crazy to me.

Iíve studied the psychology of curiosity, and invented techniques for it. A completely disorganized attitude about personal development motivated by curiosity and exploration instead of routine and discipline ó that somehow still works. Iíd like to write on it.

In my journal, Iíve written several ideas on my philosophy of life based on research and observation, an and wonder if I could write about it someday. Especially the idea of balance and mixing of opposites ó how logic and emotion mixes, how people are both special and normal, how people are both crazy and sane. I want to write about that too.

I went and studied alternative theories in science beyond crazy new age stuff and conventional skepticism. You see, I actually believe some make sense ó including a third biological theory against Darwinian evolution and creationism. And Iíd like to popularize them if possible. I was bored once so I experimented on some of these ideas in my house, and apparently some were different from the entire conventions of science.

Thereís also the field of Systems Thinking ó which is a field meant to analyze systems ó things that have parts, a purpose and interconnect with them. Itís usually made for subjects like science, business, economics, and so on but I managed to use it for the sake of personal development. Iíve been using it in my journal but put it in without specialized terms so people donít notice.

Yeah, I think Iím crazy. Maybe Iíd go hide and give up on this stuff. People are probably going to reject me, call me crazy, and abandon me. Then my whole future career and hope for a good life would end for good.

And well . . . nah.

OOTS seems to have been the first place where people really get my issues -- instead of me having to explain through their misconceptions repeatedly. To be honest, I have a certain need for routine and support that makes me expect certain people to drop by for me at different times. I hold it in because of course. They have their own stresses to deal with and it'd be pretty rude to ask them to come all the time when I want to.

But having gone through most of my issues either entirely alone or misunderstood, I've gotten dependent on this place.  A part of me wants to be heard over and over again -- that more people would listen or spend more time with me -- but honestly, it never seems enough.

I wish I can learn to be a lot more emotionally independent so I don't have to bother people here that much. I've learned to nurture my own hurting little self more and more over time, but it just doesn't seem enough.

It's never enough.

Friends / Intellectually Lonely & Emotionally Shy
« on: May 09, 2018, 02:11:16 PM »
I'm a little too tired now to explain the whole thing. Just see my recent journal entry if you want to see it in more in depth. Basically, I met someone who had as much varied and complex interests as me and it was a wonder.

I was recommended by my therapist to join some social skills classes for my shyness and social clumsiness though. I was paired up with other people my age and we just began getting to know each other with small talk. But it drove me crazy. I want as much complexity in a conversation as the first guy I mentioned, and to have to start with simpler topics before getting to the deep ones drove my frustration.

I'm just . . . I guess pretty intellectually lonely, and seeing something as rewarding as the first person compared to this group made it harder. I'm considering I'm judging it too soon though. Usually, in new paid situations like this, I get amazingly suspicious if it will work out and have to ask multiple questions to analyze every part of it if it's worth it. I'm a little embarrassed by my asking questions though. Maybe I seem overly suspicious. More information helps me to relieve stress and I don't have enough information!

Though, one of the other guys had this interesting hobby in studying different cultures and histories. I kinda like him. The activity today was controlled though, so I couldn't talk to him at length in freestyle. I'm probably being judgemental towards most people there though and just freaked out because of how nervous I am around them. My fear of emotional rejection and increased intellectual isolation as part of it. . .

I asked more questions, but he said he'll leave the next sessions to surprise. 

Well, I don't find surprises very fun. . .

Well, this is going to sound a little crazy to most of you, but Iím not DR.

Not the DR you know at least. She/he (apparently theyíre a they. Weird.) is apparently off schedule now, and now Iím here. Haha. That sounds entertaining.

DR will probably freak about this after I post it, but well, call me Maya. A pleasure. Iím not as profound as the usual DR. Think of me as the part of DR thatís more carefree and lazy for once, because damn does DR sound a little too err. . . disciplined to me.

Looking back at previous posts, DR fell in love and had an existential crisis. Looking at my moronic grandmother and her exploits, I can tell thereís some tension DR was worried about.

Though, I think I have at least the honor to my main self to tell you whatís going on. . . seriously. At least Iíll try to be serious. Haha.

I only have vague memories of the day. I remember being a much more excitable ambitious side of myself. Then DR. Then a very kind and nurturing side. Then a very logical and tough sided side. Then me.

All I remember is that barely any of them would think this is a good idea. Mostly because sharing it would make things more stressful. But hey Iím bored, and I thought itíd be something to watch.

Hey, I know Iím not as filled with euphemisms and niceties, but I respect DR. I think this needs to be shared for their own good. If the dissociationís this bad then, then somewhere inside my own psyche . . . well, DRís stressed as *.

Haha. . . sorry. Just making sure I haven't been abandoned by everyone yet by how terrible I am.  :fallingbricks:

I exist, right? Someone tell me I exist.

Other / Too tired to even walk in some parts of the day
« on: April 26, 2018, 12:42:55 PM »
I notice even without flashbacks or an obvious stressor, I'm charged and tense nearly all the time. It's summer vacation here, and a break from my formal education, but for some reason even when I'm taking a break, I get exhausted.

At times, I'd start to get dizzy spells and need to lie down for a few minutes or a little longer. Even getting up feels like it would take a lot of energy, and sometimes my muscles and head ache from it. Even back in school, I had some of these. I'd just physically collapse and when someone would check my temperature, though it seems a little more heated up, my body's not hot enough for a fever.

Sometimes I would need to rest for about an hour away from class in the middle of the school schedule. And compared to the first week of summer vacation, I feel a lot stronger, but just . . . not quite. I just chalked it up to my own trauma exhausting me, but I wonder if there's something more to that. . .

SIgh. I'm too young to be sickly.

Letters of Recovery / Dear Almost Adult Me
« on: April 23, 2018, 07:30:41 AM »
Dear Almost Adult Me,

I'm sorry I didn't live up to your standards. I'm sorry I wasn't a good enough kid for you. I know you're trying to give all the compassion you can for me, but I think I'm a lost case. I'm worthless to society. I'm worthless to the people around me. I know you care, but I don't care about myself. I'm someone from the past that has never evolved, because you're what I've evolved in, and so I just better disappear.

But I'm not, and I don't know how. I'm still scared through you. I still feel alone through you. I still feel ashamed and guilty through you. I haunt you through your present life, and I'm sorry. But I wish I could have tried harder, and even though you believe I could be better, I can't. I'm little you with the memories of older us, and because of this, I know I deserve better.

I'm no coward like an older 15 year old self. I fight. I believe in us. I'm tired of this illogical bull. It may be naive optimism, but I know I did well. You've forgotten when you've got your panties in all this emotionally mushy stuff, and I agree, that's mature. But man up now, and show yourself some compassion like a real damn father to your inner child, or else I'm going to shower you with more insults I learned from Google.

12-13 Year Old You.

Dear Almost Gone From The * of Puberty Me,

I-I- I know I'm jittery. I know I'm anxious. But I'm not a coward like . . . someone else mentioned. I- I know what I'm doing! But can you please give me some encouragement? Maybe love and care? I fell in love with a girl, and I never admitted it. She was sweet as a friend, and then she had to leave.

The nearest stable joy I have is in thinking, and I'm not sure if it's a joy rather than a safety. I wish you'd be a good mother to me, and take care of me. Sometimes I doubt things so hard that I doubt the existence of reality itself. If my thoughts are not worth trusting, is anyone else worth trusting? Do I trust that I trust others or do I not? The Earth is definitely flat, but my emotions aren't.

Before I was numbed enough to believe in myself and not cry. But now everything is coming out in tears. I'm confused. Emotions are weird. They're utterly illogical. I'm feeling new emotions, like compassion and connection. What about the cons to all this? What if I start feeling the hurt everyone else talks about when in conflict with their friends and family? What if I start worrying or getting too attached that I'll miss people? It'd be so much easier to be alone, but I can't.

I can't.

Help? I'm sorry for asking.


14-15 Year Old You.

Dear Me. . . Just a Year From Now,

I had some bad ideas, I'm sure of it, but I didn't know where to go. I just wanted some love, and care, and everything, and so I bragged myself off on social media sites. Not even the ones with my real face or name in it. Just the ones with usernames, and everything. What's the use of giving it up?

If I told about myself, everyone will hate me. Look at how people see people like me? Chasing for upvotes online? Wow, how immature. How stupid. How attention seeking. Haha. Who'd care about me? Who'd care about anything I do? I've been doing this for years, and I'm still not happy.

Have you seen how I knew over 50 articles on self help, done it all, yet made barely any progress? Did you see that? Who'd love a liar? Who'd love me. Inside, I'm a monster who wants to be worshipped. Inside, I'm an insecure being without any accomplishments. People say they want someone inspiring, but they call that person fake. People say they want something real, but they call that person pathetic. I mean, they never really said that to me, but that's probably what they're thinking, right?

Tell me I don't deserve to die like what they're thinking of me.

Late 15-Early 16 Year Old Self.

I feel sick . . . maybe feverish even.

I had a long migraine today and still am, like a ring around my head was tightening in. My body ached, and my breathing became shallow. I'm coughing my guts out and it hurts. I was trying to forgive myself, and my body was resisting this. I didn't deserve this kindness, did I? I talked to myself gently for who knows how long today, and the more compassion I felt for myself, the more painful the aching felt.

People didn't respond to my posts much yesterday like the one at General Discussion of symptoms and my journal, and I thought, good, maybe I can learn to take care of myself. I did learn a lot, but now it's driving me crazy. The lack of attention makes me feel like I'm going to be entirely abandoned. It makes me feel like everything I say and do is wrong and worthless without some kind of affirmation. I can't stand believing people might hate me or be disgusted by me, that I don't have the right to exist.

General Discussion / I feel arrogant and naive, not wise.
« on: April 16, 2018, 07:13:48 AM »
Some people tell me Iím wiser beyond my years here, and I can see the point logically, but I canít feel it emotionally. Iím 17. I feel like saying this kind of thing about myself at my age would attract people whoíd say that when I grow up, Iíd realize how arrogant and full of stupid mistakes I made.

So I always notice mistakes in personal growth, and barely acknowledge progress in wisdom. My parents never praised me when I grew emotionally growing up, and no one else praised me about it either later on really.

Whatís the use of acknowledging my progress when one day Iíll look back at them and Iíd beat up on myself on how I was stupid? Then in that future Iíll realize the future me would tell me the same thing over and over? I do the same with my past self everyday of every hour.

Maybe theyíre right. Just a naive arrogant teenager with barely any self awareness at all.

Sorry for hogging more of the spotlight lately. For some reason, my heart has been aching for more and more support these days. I can't focus on giving at all now, and my emotions just need to receive too.

Growing up, I saw lots of people who complain about people getting easily offended these days. Say someone who was given the wrong Starbucks order, or someone who felt they were entitled to an award even if they didn't work hard at all. They always talked in media about how the youngest generation now are the most entitled and narcissistic.

I was severely depressed and anxious for much of my life. I didn't know it was because of trauma, and when I couldn't find a reasonable explanation for all of it even with all the years of effort I gave to being happy, I just concluded I was being too entitled. Too easily hurt over "unimportant" things that happened in the past, and I must have been incredibly petty. It was also making me more easily hurt in the present, particularly because of EFs.

Sigh. Maybe I actually am acting too entitled and petty.

Emotional Abuse / Forced to be Nurturing.
« on: April 12, 2018, 06:34:30 AM »
Growing up, my mom expected me to be a caretaker of her and my dad in some ways. In other people, this would make them spend so much time listening to their parentís woes. My personality just interpreted all that as gross and distanced myself.

I remember as a kid, my mom would want me to sleep with her in bed, not because I was afraid to sleep alone. But because she didnít want to sleep alone. Sheíd always want me around physically, even when I needed some privacy.

She shared her hatred towards her body, and I stayed silent with this thinking, ďJeez. Stop talking about overemotional stuff. Ew.Ē I was respectful of other people who had body issues, but something about her being this clingy to me in particular was disgusting.

My dad had some health issues before, and she expected me to take care of him in a nurturing way. But I wasnít nurturing. Thatís gross. And I just ignored her.

She emphasized my weaknesses, and ignored many of my more different strengths. Seeing any of my ability to rapidly think of logical arguments toward her crazy rigid rules as ďdisobedienceĒ. Seeing my need to explore the novel as ďdangerousĒ. Seeing my relaxed pace of life as ďtoo slowĒ or ďtoo impractical.Ē Seeing my casual humor as ďimmatureĒ.

Iíd blow up with anger at her and Iíd think it was all my fault. Iíd become distant and suppress all my anger inside of me, and the values she forced on me just made me ignore my emotional side even further. I worked so hard to be more accepting, more understanding, more obedient, more structured and more what she expected, but I couldnít.

Iím still guilty though. Still guilty.

I never could live up to that image even if I tried, and I did.

I failed. I'm too slow on developing my own emotional and compassionate side, and she forced and rushed it out of me. I'm terrible at remembering schedules and organized tasks even if I'm good at them when I remember.  Forced it so hard I avoided it for most of my life.

Maybe I really am a monster.

Birthday / Quiet 17th Birthday Today
« on: April 09, 2018, 10:21:00 PM »
Itís April 10 in my timezone and so I just turned 17. Oh thank God. One year out of the horrors of puberty and random mood swings. Haha.

I had a small outing yesterday and ate out in a Thai restaurant. I do like Asian food from different countries, and I felt like when my goggles were tight on my eyes during swimming class before. I suddenly feel more Asian than I already am!

Then I was treated to books. Lots of them. Well, today Iím just going to stay home and read them. Yesterday was nice, but tiring. Iíd like to appreciate the simplicities in life. Time to think. Books. Learning. Netflix.

Yep. Thatís enough for a good birthday.  :whistling:

Therapy / I canít trust my therapist.
« on: April 07, 2018, 11:44:41 AM »
It takes a very very very long time to warm up with people for emotional vulnerability. Very long. Honestly itís been more than a couple weekly visits that Iíve been seeing her, and opening up is hard. My mind just goes blank.

Itís not that sheís hurting me emotionally in some way. Itís more like I grew up being incredibly suspicious of people especially with how my FOO planted those beliefs in me. I have friends now . . . but no one close in an emotional way that would allow me to share my troubles with.

She actually seems willing to listen to my suspicions and questions, allow me to take things slow, and acknowledge what Iím doing well. I opened up about surface problems, but not the hard on trauma parts.

She managed to stop the overly accusing questions at the first sessions by getting me to play board games with her. Thinking things through like in a game calms me down, especially strategy games. Then she managed to get me to open up through writing a fictional story and drawing pictures of what Iím feeling, but the metaphors I made were vague.  She had a bunch of cards for get to know you questions, and I think I opened up about my views in life than anyone Iíve met in real life.

But nope. Still canít open up about my own past. Still canít admit to some issues with boundaries in real life. Still canít share my own emotions and worries directly. Nope. Nope. Nope.

I feel so ashamed. Shouldnít I be trusting enough? I mean, other people here can do it but why canít I? This person seems worth trusting, but I just . . . canít.

Yesterday I had another session with her. I couldnít stand to share anyting that day, so she just invited me to play this game where thereís a secret code and each player has to give hints to figure it out. Thinking calms me down, so this calmed me down quickly.

But after that, I just left feeling like I just wasted my time there by getting too scared about opening up. Why canít I connect emotionally as well as intellectually?

Sigh. Iím too much of a coward for that.

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