Greetings community
This is sort of an introductory post and I feel blessed to have found a community of people who's experience and struggles resonate so strongly with my own. Thank you, @kizzie, for creating this space for us.
I believe that my core injury occurred during my first year of life and I'm curious to find others for whom this is also true. I find this created a "unique" challenge for me in that I felt horrible from my earliest memories and experienced all the effects of c-ptsd as we all know them, but it was difficult to identify a source that could account for the severity of my challenges in a way that I could articulate to myself others. It wasn't until I started becoming aware of the profound impacts of trauma and stress during the first two+ years of life, and started processing what was going on for me during that time, that I began my (still continuing) road of recovery. (And please know that in no way am I trying to make other experiences than mine somehow less traumatizing -- there are so many ways that we have been harmed, and our experiences so unique and nuanced -- that I would never minimize anyone's experience. If you are suffering, that is all that I need to know).
In my case, my family was in a violent disintegration when I was in the womb (my father was abusing my mother). My mother left my father when I was 6 months old, taking myself and three older brothers to live near her own mother. My mother was (understandably) depressed, unable to cope with an infant and 3 older children, and ended up being admitted to a hospital for depression for a few months during my second year (we apparently lived in a children's home during that period).
All this is to say that during my first year of life I experienced the stress of witnessing anger and abuse in the household and most definitely did not receive any of the mirroring and secure attachment that an infant needs. I'm certain that all the wiring for stress management, self-worth, and a positive sense of the world did NOT get laid down for me. This was followed by continued trauma and shaming through custody battles and family dysfunction throughout my childhood.
Some of the resulting symptoms I've experienced are ones that most of us know well: painful chronic depression, a relentless inner critic, social anxiety and dysfunction, emotional flashbacks (of the "freeze" variety), dissociation during times of intimacy or stress, cognitive deficits (largely due to the cognitive load of managing all the other symptoms). Most of my life has been a journey of re-parenting and building that wiring on my own and with the help of a few trusted therapists and loving friends.
One of the consequences of my trauma being so early in life was that my parents, siblings, others often told me that since I wasn't aware of what was happening back then, and that my parents were already divorced by the time I was "aware", that I was the least affected by the family dysfunction. The "you don't have a reason to be so troubled" message, which of course was immensely invalidating and shaming, on top of the original injury. (Adding insult to injury, as I like to call it).
I would be interested in hearing from others who's stories have a similar arc. Did you also feel "wrong" from your earliest memories? What are some of the ways it has manifested for you? When and how did you first recognize that the timing of your trauma was a key factor, and start forgiving yourself?
And thanks. I'm glad to have found this group to share experiences and successes with.
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