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Topics - Resca

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Books & Articles / Started exploring Pete Walker on my PTSD blog...
« on: May 06, 2018, 06:20:36 PM »
Still not 100% sure if this is the right place for this post but here goes. I started a PTSD blog recently and added my second post today; it's the first in a three- or four-part series about Pete Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. I'd love to know your thoughts.

I recently decided that I needed a way to communicate about my cPTSD with the wider world. Sort of a "coming out," so to speak. And a way to educate others about what PTSD is and what it looks like in daily life. So I started a blog. It's been a surprisingly clearing experience to put the site together and I just published my first post today!

Here's the link.

Please note that the blog does contain personal information about myself so if you prefer to keep this an anonymous experience, stay away from the "About" page.

Frustrated? Set Backs? / Why do I miss my abuser?
« on: March 28, 2018, 12:55:42 AM »
I grew up with my uBPD/narcissist mother and her malignant narcissist of a husband. I went NC with the both of them for the second time around this past Thanksgiving and am honestly feeling better most days. I can even justify the NC to myself on a regular basis even though the anxiety of knowing that I'm hurting my parent is a burden. But these days are the hardest: the days when I miss my mom.

She wasn't an overtly cruel person. She took me to get my nails done, took care of me when I was sick, planned vacations and girls days. On the outside, she looked like a great mother and I let myself believe that this was the side of her that truly mattered for a long, long time. But she was also self-involved, manipulative, changable, focused on her hateful husband over and above her child. Focused on the "dream life" that she would have when I was finally out of the house. It took until I was officially moved out to realize that all the weeks of silent treatment over unwashed dishes, the frequent comments that her marriage would be easier without me, the verbal degradation of my character, and the threats to kick me out if I didn't meet my stepfather's unreasonable expectations were all forms of emotional abuse. I spent my entire childhood feeling vulnerable and unwanted and stuck in a fake reality that was totally outside my control. Trapped in a nightmare that I couldn't prove even existed.

But I miss her. I miss the smell of her hair and her perfume and the way she would rub my head. I miss long car rides with her and those moments when she said she was sorry for everything that had happened between us. When I thought she was finally going to try. I miss her hugs. I miss the sound of her clearing her voice or singing. I miss the softness of her skin.

I know those things shouldn't matter against the backdrop of the trauma and lost childhood but they still do. And it breaks me.

Introductory Post / Returning with New Eyes
« on: March 21, 2018, 07:38:43 PM »
Hello (again). I was new to the forum at the end of last year and just starting to learn about CPTSD; unfortunately, I hit a rough patch, ended up in a hospitalization program for a few months, and took my time getting back you. But I'm feeling ready to embrace this journey and rejoin the community, hopefully a little stronger than before.

To my fellow "newbies": This place can give you profound comfort and strength if you let it. Welcome. We're happy to have you.

To everyone else: I've missed you and I'm happy to be back.

Therapy / How do you know if IOP/IP is right for you...
« on: November 26, 2017, 09:20:41 PM »
This holiday season is just beating me down. The last few months have felt like a consistent downward slide and the good days/feelings never last. It seems like therapy, heavying up on my meds, and sleep are the only things that help, but only ever for a short period of time. I'm starting to feel like I might be losing it.

I've been looking into a few IOP options nearby that my insurance will cover as a sort of stop gap. But I keep having second thoughts. Worrying that my situation isn't really that bad or that the other patients and doctors at any reputable place will think I'm just looking for attention. I also don't want to hurt my SO, the people who love me, and my career by taking all the time out to get treatment that I can't even confidently say I need. Has anyone ever had this experience before? How do you decide if IOP or even IP is something to pursue? And how do you convince yourself that it's okay to move forward with it?

I'm still trying to understand dissociation and how it relates to strictly emotional/psychological trauma.

Just started reading C-PTSD (Walker) and I'm stuck because I'm realizing I don't really have that many memories of being a kid. I have a few distinct memories - mostly neutral or bad, but a few good - and some third-party memories that I only "remember" because other people told me. But it's mostly just this blanket feeling of confusion, apathy, or being alone and unsure. I know good things happened to me and I know bad things happened, but it feels like nothing really stuck. It's making me worried that this emotional veneer is just me trying to "create" trauma, so to speak. After all, the brain does tend to preserve the negative over the positive.

Is this normal?

Frustrated? Set Backs? / When NM shows her soft side...
« on: November 04, 2017, 02:20:51 AM »
Has anyone else had this experience: you've come to terms with the limits of your narc family member and you're clumsily muddling through recovery with minimal contact, and then the narc suddenly does something so nice and thoughtful that it totally paralyzes you?

I have no idea how to handle these moments. They really set off my denial/dissociation reflex and make me question everything that led up to this self-diagnosis. How are you supposed to rationalize the distance when the narc shows that little glimmer of healthy - albeit brief and inconsistent - love, you know? I'm slowly getting better at talking myself down but any feedback or advice for others who've had similar experiences would be very much appreciated.

Some background (trigger warning): I haven't had much of a relationship with the NM lately, but she reached out a few days back in an emotional fit to tell me that she's done trying to put our family back together. Mind you, said "family" is her, myself, my brother who she abandoned as a baby but is now pressuring for time with his kid, and her severely narcissistic and abusive husband. My brother and I have already made it very clear that we don't want to be involved with the husband but NM has written that out of her reality. End trigger warning.

I took some time to craft out a response. I told her that I was sympathetic to her pain because I know she's been going through a lot lately but that I'm still not interested in a relationship with her husband, and I think that she really needs to grasp this before she and I can talk about next steps. She did not receive it well, and I've been an emotional wreck ever since.

I feel terrible for hurting her even though I know I was only looking out for myself. I feel scared that she might never speak to me again even though I know I do better when we're not in contact. I feel alone and abandoned even though I knew my message might cause further separation. I feel out of touch with reality because I'm questioning if there was any real basis for my choice, even though I know there (probably?) was. I've been crying and over-sleeping and having panic attacks and dissociating and I'm afraid it won't get better...

I don't know what to do.

Christmas & New Years / It's that time of year again...
« on: October 31, 2017, 07:09:08 PM »
I'm so glad this thread is here. It really validates the unbearable dread that I have rolling into the holiday season this - like every - year. My in-laws just started asking where my partner and I are going to be spending the holidays and my mood shot down through the floor. As if we didn't already have two sets of totally loving and normal parents to manage, we've also got NM and her husband, my brother (who has his own deep-seated problems with NM), and my partner's sister (who has an attachment issue that makes our Christmas' extra complicated.

Avoiding time with NM during the holidays is somehow still one of the most painful things I do each year, even though I know it's in my best interest. And even after I've made all the plans and scheduled all the visits, I spend most of the day in a terrible mood because I don't feel connected to or worth of the festivities. I LOVE the idea of Christmas but it's killing me a little these past few years...

I know I don't have to say this but I feel compelled: sorry for the rant. Just hoping someone will finally understand.

Introductory Post / Hey. I'm new here.
« on: October 31, 2017, 12:53:51 AM »
Just wanted to say a quick hello before I dive into the rest of these forums. It's a lot to get through so if anyone has some good recommendations on where to start, please let me know.

It's nice to meet all of you :) I'm looking forward to starting my journey here.

Stay strong,

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