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Topics - puppies4thesad

#1
Hi ppl,
I have had a series of traumas in my life but I'm very skilled in dissociation and so until this year I managed to "function" on a fairly good level. I grew up in a family with an emotionally distant father and a severely learning disabled younger brother. My mother was very overwhelmed and I was unintentionally emotionally neglected. I became very detached from emotions, I was shy and never asked for what I needed and never learned to assert myself. I was bullied right through school and had depression to varying degrees all my life.

I left home pretty at 18 and was pretty well set up to be singled out for abuse from others. Instead of asserting myself or crying for help I automatically dissociated when ppl abused me. I always felt something was wrong with me and I was never enough.

Soo then I ended up in a 2 year long relationship with a man who turned out to be severely personality disordered ( antisocial personality disordered- covert narcassist). He started off my coach and convinced me that as well as helping me get better at my sport that he was also making me a "better"person. This turned from being joint self improvement to psychological abuse, threatening behaviour and sexual abuse. He gaslight me and projected his narcissism on to me. He even told me that if I didn't submit to the fact he was right when he was gaslighting me that I would one day suddenly come to know that I was as crazy as he said and I would commit suicide.  Anyway eventually I escaped this relationship. I had no therapy after this experience.

At the start of this year I was getting on with my life as best I could. I still had flashbacks and nightmares but managed to minimize these symptoms a great deal by just staying insanely busy, hardly sleeping, working my * of and ignoring my memories. Then boom! I had a massive emotional breakdown. All my emotions, memories and trauma came flooding in. I was soo sick I was self medicating and I overdosed to escape ( I'm lucky that I seem to have a weird resilience and I'm still here). It's like when I remembered everything and actually felt true emotions I went into shock. I had difficulty speaking and when I could I stammered, I still have ticks. I'm very hypervigilant and have sensory sensitivity (particularly to sound and movement). I'm anxious and fearful all the time.

Rather than dissociating and denying my experiences I'm now working on accepting, understanding and moving towards a more healthy existence. I don't know how to do that but I havent really got anyone to tell me and I have a feeling that sharing and speaking to others may help. If anyone relates please chat. It would mean the world to me to know I'm not alone.