I confronted and cut off my abusive father almost two years ago now. Since then, I've been struggling with a lot of irrational and counterproductive feelings. He had been basically ignoring me for a couple of years before I confronted him, and afterward he just pretended I didn't exist, with a side of rare and mild social media stalking. With his extended family, it's a mix of them cutting me off for calling him abusive, and me cutting them off for defending him. Same result re: contact.
I know I'm very fortunate that he isn't stalking, harassing, or threatening me, but part of me wants him to chase me, so that I can hurt him more, so that I can fight him, and most dysfunctionally because I may have always been an object to him, but it hurts to know that I'm not a valuable one. "Not even worth abusing," to voice the most broken thought I've had.
Recently I've been having dreams about him and my stepmother, and although those dreams feature repeats of the old patterns, sometimes with him stalking me or me flying into a rage, it makes me think about him and especially his family more. I miss them, and to a certain extent I even miss HIM.
I don't know what to do with these feelings. Anybody have any advice?
I know I'm very fortunate that he isn't stalking, harassing, or threatening me, but part of me wants him to chase me, so that I can hurt him more, so that I can fight him, and most dysfunctionally because I may have always been an object to him, but it hurts to know that I'm not a valuable one. "Not even worth abusing," to voice the most broken thought I've had.
Recently I've been having dreams about him and my stepmother, and although those dreams feature repeats of the old patterns, sometimes with him stalking me or me flying into a rage, it makes me think about him and especially his family more. I miss them, and to a certain extent I even miss HIM.
I don't know what to do with these feelings. Anybody have any advice?