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OK, after a week or two away to practice actually caring for myself, I was well aware that while not obviously unhealthy in any way, I would rapidly become so unless my ways changed significantly.  I have been sleeping better, and find that the best sleeping pattern is actually sleep for five hours, wake up (naturally) for about an hour and then sleep for another five hours!  Interestingly I found an article about how this is actually the natural sleeping pattern for human physiology, and was forcefully changed during the period of industrial revolution.

Anyway, I begin to digress.  I first had to work on my social anxiety and outer critic before firstly finding that I actually have some very good and supportive friends, and then thinking through the memories and feelings which traditionally resulted in social anxiety where I would assume everyone was secretly judging and thinking the worst in situations which were outside my traditional "comfort zones".  This is because that actually did happen quite a lot, but thankfully I have demonstrated to my inner child that this is no longer the case.

So, time to get (physically) healthy then!  I went to a gym, for the first time EVER!  For me this is a huge achievement, as much of my previous trauma had been related to physical and group activities.  I wouldn't have gone on my own (still couldn't face that) but luckily outer critic work resulting in being able to work out who my friends are (and there were more than I thought) meant I had support.  This is from a very good friend who himself is recovering (physical injury resulting in lots of surgery) so it was good that we could support each other; I could provide the physical ability where required while he was extremely supportive mentally and seemed to intuitively know when I was becoming anxious before even I did and change the situation to suit.

It was actually far more enjoyable an experience that I was expecting and certainly beats sitting around on my own getting hammered on chemicals!

Speaking of which, I still get the compulsion to drink (and not stop until it stops me) but luckily as I think and feel my way through things, and new memories arise, that compulsion is becoming less extreme and easier to control.

Still taking it one step at a time (and a couple backwards sometimes) but will be hitting the gym again tomorrow!  Hope it goes as well as the first time, but at least my inner child (I think) is becoming more convinced that I am able to protect him.

Success!  My patience and effort has been well rewarded, by the universe!

Although my recovery journey is still in its early stages, I had no idea that opening up to, trying to love all parts and facing many difficult days and nights of introspection could yield such a result so early on.

During a period of introspection last week, where I was talking with my inner children, and any other parts of my psyche that could be identified, I stumbled upon a new awareness, which is hard to describe empirically or non-emotionally, as it was an experience made purely of emotion; more specifically love, pure and unblemished.

I have personally never described myself as a religious, or even spiritual person, as such expressions I generally found to be those most despised by society, and my large catalogue of abusers.  However, I have now changed my mind.  Although the feelings cannot be related to any particular "belief system" (I don't like social structures and systems - never have (and it has been a source of some harsh abuse)) I am now convinced that there is a higher power, the best part of which is us!  We are all a little part of the absolute love, total intelligence and absolute power of Unity / God / Allah / The Force [insert name of your preferred deity here].

This quite literally changes EVERYTHING for me.

I managed to realise that I am not a certain thought (as those are only transient), a feeling (transient) or a product of abuse (transient) or anything else which is transient.  "I" am the "observer" who is always present.  The best way I can think of it is pure energy and "love".  My soul rediscovered, I listened to all the internal voices talking to one another for a while (luckily they were getting along way better than usual) and felt at peace, for the first time in my life.  I then felt (without alcohol, drugs or any chemicals) "out of my head" like I was observing not only my own internal aspects but the whole room, then the building, then the world, then the universe.  At that point I was "connected" in the most profound and beautiful way - suddenly all was made of love and compassion so pure.  I was overwhelmed, but kept with the experience for some time (next time I looked at a clock over two hours had passed in our time).

Despite a long-time knowledge of the science behind such concepts as energy = matter = energy = matter (as matter is energy slowed down), time being relative (to everything else and itself) and quantum physics, these things now make absolute sense, as they are all part of us and we are born of them.

I had suspected that the effect may only be transient itself, hence waiting a week before telling anyone about it.  Happily, that supposition was incorrect.  In the following couple of days, I felt many of my compulsions (such as materialistic collecting of "stuff", which had been a lifetime habit) simply melting away.  I worked out not only what I don't want, but also what I want.  I am now searching for a new job which should bring far more freedom and fulfilment than before.  And I have had the same experience since, where suddenly everything from myself to my surroundings seemed so wonderful, and then somehow "linked in" with literally EVERYTHING else.

I went out and the people seemed so much more receptive, and their pets were unusually calm around me.  The field f energy I project has changed.  The little birds in the holly tree outside my door (which I've never even noticed before) no longer fly away when I exit the house (I use the term "house" loosely lol).

I have become a completely different person over the last couple of weeks, and am becoming gradually more certain that this is only the start of a more permanent change.  Over the last couple of days, when I've begun to feel the crippling flashback terrors, it feels like I can call on "God" within me (he / she / it is in all of us and all things) for strength and love.

Only after the first "transcendental" experience I finished reading Pete Walker's first book (The Tao of Fully Feeling).  In a later chapter he briefly described a "numinous experience" which I guess that was.  I think this is something which is every creature's birthright, and something so wonderful which was denied to us by others who refused to take that particular (narrow and difficult) path.  And it comes from within ourselves.

I guess some of you will be highly sceptical at my attempt to describe the indescribable, which is fine.  But I feel that my life has changed in such a profound way in such a short time that it was worth sharing.  I think that experience of "oneness" was what my inner children were all seeking (and in some cases getting close to).

Has anyone else had a similar experience on their road to good-enough recovery?

Love, compassion and genuine heartfelt peace to you all 

Does anyone else have a scary inner child?  After "getting in touch" with him again and trying to do things that may make him happy (at least for a moment) he seems to be mostly composed of hate and blind rage.

After making a promise to myself and my inner child to honour and respect his needs and wishes, I have been "accidentally" doing things intended by my subconscious to hurt people.  I've never willingly hurt anyone before (except perhaps myself) but the inner child has a real appetite for destruction.

Two examples so far:  a friend was expecting me over for dinner, but I somehow "forgot" and had absolutely no recollection of the invitation (which was one day previous).  In another incident, I seemingly "misplaced" my tobacco at a party.  I was getting extremely close to hurtfully and aggressively start demanding of people (all friends who have only ever treated me with respect and compassion) "who's taken it" when I thankfully discovered I'd "misplaced" the pouch by putting it into my left pocket instead of the right, which is normally habitual.  This is the only time I can remember that happening, and of course I felt shameful at the way in which I was about to behave.

So it seems that my inner child wants to "strike out" at anyone in the vicinity, including sadly my adult self.

This is surely very confusing - it feels like I've been beaten over the head repeatedly with a blunt heavy object 

So has anyone else experienced nasty spiteful behaviour from their inner child, or am I just a complete wrong'un (local term)?

So it looks like my attempts to "look after myself" a bit better have backfired somewhat.  The less I drink and smoke, the more miserable I seem to get.  I've had one of those days-long-flashbacks which seem to be most of the time.

Without the counterproductive self meds I'll have a day (maybe two if I'm lucky and nothing mildly irritating happens) then will be straight back into a crushing mix of anger, hate, fear and sadness.  Perhaps that is my "natural state" and I'm just born to be a miserable *.

Having allowed emotions back in again it seems there is nothing any good / of any use left in there.  Not enough left to work with.  I'm a *g write off.

I can't cry, and when I do I have no idea what I'm supposed to be remembering.  It feels like I'm just miserable for the sake of it.

The only "progress" made recently is realising that I actually HATE my parents.  Now, those two really did try their best and certainly did a better job than their own folks did.  The only way they failed me was in various subtle ways including infrequent physical violence (for which I have explained to my Mum was, from a child's perspective, an irretrievable breach of trust - explaining that should have made me feel a little easier but it didn't) and a complete lack of emotional connection or support (probably because they don't actually like kids).  But they don't deserve that level of vitriol.

As far as I can tell that does indeed make me a deeply bad person.  I am a complete and utter failure and can't remember a single time I did anyone any good in a meaningful way.  Being upset about how *y I feel isn't going to help.  So with all hope abandoned, I have two choices - either work out whether the door frame is strong enough to hang myself from, or do the only activity I actually seem to enjoy, which is get smashed.  Since getting smashed requires minimal preparation, I'll go for that option.

Got work tomorrow, but I don't care.

Hello everyone, it seems only fitting to introduce myself as a new member, although I apologise in advance for not beginning on a more positive note.

For most of my life so far (in early 30s at the moment) I have experienced significant mental health issues.  The first was having developed an anxiety disorder during my latter school years, where I would wake up physically ill every morning, and would be sick each day until there was no longer a possibility of going out.  Although it added to the general distress at the time, in retrospect this was a perfectly understandable (although no-one else did) and quite adaptive reaction to uncontrollable external events.  This seemed to "miraculously" clear up when the (awful in case you're wondering) school years had finally passed, and was then replaced with about four years of crippling depression.  Again in retrospect this was an adaptive response, but at the time I had no awareness of the causes, many of which were no longer current, but some (mainly due to living with parents) persisted outside of my awareness.

Mental health professionals had no better idea, and only attempted to treat the symptoms.  When I either had no response, or an adverse response to prescribed drugs I felt that I was simply 'written off' as 'untreatable'.  I had developed my own coping mechanisms however, which persist to this day, namely alcohol and weed.  These began as ways to improve my mood, but have since evolved more into methods of obtaining a generally numbed state.

After a string of rubbish dead-end jobs, all of which I was summarily fired from, I made the conscious decision that my depression must be "cured".  For around ten years after this I had no idea how this had been done but I achieved a general sense of being "level", albeit with seemingly random depressive episodes and the occasional out-of-character examples of hurtful and unexpected behaviour.  Even at the time I internally referenced these events as "flashbacks" although why they happened was a complete mystery.  Another persisting mystery was my total inability to develop relationships on anything other than the most superficial level.

However, with the major depression apparently "cured" I was able to attend university and then get a "proper" job.  Over this time I had the overwhelming feeling (although obviously fiction, so more of a fantasy) that I was an extraterrestrial sent to Earth to determine the suitability of the life forms to be safeguarded, instead of the planet being summary destroyed.  Despite trying to look for good around me, I came to the conclusion that there was not one single decent human worthy of any type of redemption, and that it would not be an issue if they simply ceased to exist, as if the place had never been there.

So, all this came to a head a couple of months ago when someone ask me "how do you feel?"  My response was instant and honest: "Nothing."  The realisation then dawned that everything I do is purely born of logic - there is absolutely no feeling involved.  I thought "this is no way to live" and did a bit of research on (effectively) having no emotion.  Realisations followed, mainly that my formative years had been tragic enough that I had simply "shut down".  Leading up to this I had been experiencing the most disturbing nightmares, the subject of which was an innocent child.  Then I realised that the subject of my nightmares was in fact myself, and a whole host of memories came flooding back.  I simply could not keep "faking it" any more.

So, after letting the emotions in and trying to work out what they are over the last couple of months, it was good to find that some of them did indeed feel "nice", which is something I must desperately attempt to cling on to.

But now I'm in the middle of a particularly intense flashback, which started last night (mine usually last a few weeks unfortunately), and I'm at work.  This is pretty bad - I feel like I could break down at any moment, and am not completely sure I can hold it together this time.  Although I've realised that I should let it out, this would not be an appropriate venue.  It feels like there is nowhere I can go, and despite recently opening up to a couple of friends who I guessed may be receptive, it feels like no-one could possibly understand.  I keep getting images of former caregivers and authority figures coming up with their dismissive three word statements of "get over yourself", "it's only a phase", "pull yourself together" and all that old guff and begin to feel genuinely alone once again.

Only a few more hours left of my working day now.... man this is tiring...

So anyway that's me, wishing you all many better days to come