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Topics - Cookido

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Before reading I want to point out that I am not sure what the difference is between emotion and feeling and I might have gotten it wrong in my text. I thought they were synonyms till I looked it up. The difference in definitions confused me so I decided to just keep my text as it is.

Today I told myself what no other person have been able to understand that I need to hear. I told myself that it's okay to take a break; it's okay to lower my ambitions and it's okay to lower the demands that I have on myself. What that means in practice is that it's okay for me to quit my education.

I guess it makes sense that only I know what I need to hear, especially when I have been so incapable of opening up to others. How are people supposed to understand that I cannot regain motivation to complete my study, when the origin of my lack of motivation roots back to unwillingness to live?  With this realisation, I also understand what I need to do in order to regain control over my life, my emotions and mental well-being. The issue is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. Therefore, I need to find a place where I enjoy living in. I am done living for others.

I remember when my therapist told me to think of how my parents or my sibling would feel if I commited suicide. That I should think of them, their feelings and reaction in order to keep myself from harming myself. I remember thinking that it made no sense to me, not logically or emotionally. How is guilt supposed to motivate me into living? You are telling me the only reason I should keep on living is for the feelings of others? Guilt-tripped into living, what a motivator. Guilt has already been the primary emotional state during my entire life. Guilt has never been a motivational emotion for me. It has surpressed me, disabled me and stupefied me.

Wanting to live is an emotional state. I have memories of a feeling where the thought of living felt easy, enjoyable and possible. I felt it in my body. I remember the feeling as warm, energetic and light (I even thought there was a possibility I would lift from the ground and float). I don't know if the experience is relatable. But a feeling like this is rare for me. Most of my life has been depression or numbness. Knowing there are other feelings or other emotional states, and that I am able to experience them, are motivational. I just havn't lived in a way that let me feel, happy, I guess?

I wrote this text because I had an urge to share what I view as an accomplishment and step forward in recovery to a community who understands the difficulties living with emotional confusion. When I told myself that it's okay to quit my education I started crying because I felt relief. I have accepted my situation, understand what I need to do in order to move forward and I feel motivated to focus and take charge of my recovery process, as for today at least. I also felt like it's important to save my reflection, because I might need to go back and remind myself to allow relief.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Is this romance?
« on: September 18, 2018, 08:41:22 AM »
Long time since I wrote here. But today I'm having a difficult day.

I broke up with my partner. I've realised that he was too broken to be able to care for me. I don't think he fully realised how much he has used me during these 4 years together.

He is in pretty high debt to me and I'm realising I'm never gonna get that money back no matter all his promises. I feel so damn stupid. I'm not in economical issues but just that I would do such a thing as to lend a big amount of money to someone... I never viewed myself as that naive.

I can't tell if someone is using me or caring for me. I've realised that I don't seem to be able to tell love from just someone being genuinely nice to me. I can't trust anyone emotinally and I feel confused. How am I supposed to know these things? How can I know if someone loves me? 

These thoughts makes me spin off into the direction of self hate. I look at my face and eventually I see something twisted, ugly and disgusting in the mirror. Sometimes I've felt like I don't want to leave  the house because my face is so awful to look at, like something out of a horror movie. I used to hate everything about myself as a child and during the years I learned to get a healthier perspective. But it's scaring me how hard and fast it hit recently again.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Honesty and confusion
« on: June 12, 2018, 03:02:55 PM »
If I'm being true to myself, to my thoughts and feelings, then, I want to break up with my partner.

But how can I do so when he depends on me? And I depend on him, to not be alone. I care about him. He has no where to go, but also because he won't ask friends for help. I'm the only one he says. But we are destructive for each other. I can't deal with his issues because I'm broken myself. I care for him and it hurts thinking that I will be the one who breaks him. I know what it's like to be completely alone so how can I do that to someone else?

I'm so conflicted. I feel horrible. I know this person so well and he is the only one who truly knows me. How can I let go of that? At the same time he keeps me from healing.

I supported him out of debt, out of addiction, out of a destructive home, but I can't support him with what he really needs, emotional support. Because I don't have it myself.

Relationships are confusing, but should they be this difficult?

This post is probably as confusing as I am feeling. At least I got it off my chest.

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Other / Intrusive Thoughts
« on: May 23, 2018, 12:48:28 PM »
One of the symptoms I struggle most with is intrusive thoughts. They are usually future conversations I might have, very repetitive and detailed. Sometimes they are about the past and I repeat or dwell over events. I think the thoughts are irritating to have and when I notice them I try and distract myself with music or likewise.

Anyway, today I thought about it and came up with a theory on why I have intrusive thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are a way to distract myself from the feelings I'm having in that moment.

The question I have is if someone else in the forum struggle with intrusive thoughts and if my theory seems reasonable? Or if someone can share their knowledge on the subject. Ways to cope with the thoughts, what helps, worsens or causes them. 

And also, thank you everyone on the forum. It's amazing to have a place to share these thoughts.

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Therapy / Ultimatum
« on: May 17, 2018, 09:19:15 PM »
I decided I wanted to change therapist due to losing my trust for her during our last session (she handled me being dissociated badly).

Turns out I have two choices. Either I quit therapy, but then have to wait a year for new treatment. Or I finnish the therapy with a therapist I don't trust and whom have no idea when I'm dissociated, what to do or what dissociation is. I have the freeze respons almost every session.

I could also pay for private care or move. But I have to see if my economy can handle any of thouse.

I'm in a bad mood because of the whole thing. I blame myself a lot for not looking into my rights more, maybe the whole thing could have been avoided (I had 5 sessions to decide if I wanted to stay or not, apparently that was also a decision which would decide my future 1 year ahead. I waited too long before deciding).

I think I will stay in therapy. Maybe I can ask the therapist to leave and I can use the time for something else, like nap for 45 min two times a week.

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Emotional Abuse / Identity and bullying
« on: May 11, 2018, 12:41:16 PM »
I was bullied in form of exclusion from the age of 6 to 15. I was in the same school with the same people during 9 years. Most of the time I was dissociated and I lack a lot of memories from thouse years. I was deeply depressed, I didn't talk, I was alone and boring. When that finally came to an end I started a new school and decided that I would be a different person. I became the complete opposite from who I was before. I wanted to be independent, a leader, outspoken, successful and outspoken. So the first day of school I acted as that person and became that person.

I got friends, a partner, I did well in school and started taking charge over my life at home as well. I completely erased the person I was before and the background I had. My previous experiences did still make themselves noticed through pannick and anxiety attacks or anxiety in social settings. I ignored it pretty well though and I never viewed thouse 9 years of my life as a trauma that mattered.

Since I started working with my background I'm realising how much I changed in just a day basically back then. I'm struggeling a lot with identity and many times I'm not sure who I am. I want to be the person I became after the age of 15 but it's also confusing to ignore the person I was for 9 years. I'm 22 today and I feel like I lost both parts and I'm just one big confusing mess of a person. I don't identify with anything.

Can I integrate  thouse two people or should I even do so? When I talk about my past it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't feel like I can be a person without a past. When I try and figure out who I am it feels like there's too many missing pieces to make a whole picture out of.

I'm also not sure if it did damage to just be someone else. Maybe it's normal to do so? I remember my current partner thinking it was strange that I chat very differently depending on who I talk to (on the internet). I adapt a lot while he's just the same with everyone. Which I find very strange instead. I have this very strong urge to be normal, even though I also realise that normal doesn't really excist.

Sorry for long and maybe confusing post.

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General Discussion / Finally a step forward
« on: May 03, 2018, 09:49:05 AM »
I allowed myself to grieve today. I felt sorry for my young self, I cried for her, for her lonelyness and helplessness. I cried for how I was treated and how I've been ignored by family, friends and any authority or adult who could have reached out.

After that I comforted myself. I went back, as an adult, and were there for my younger self. I deserved a voice as a child and therefore I kept my younger self company, for all thouse times I were alone.

That's what I wished someone would have done back then. I would have done so, because I know now that the younger me didn't deserve to be so unhappy.

Being allowed to grieve but also being able to comfort, felt like a step forward. Afterwards I kinda felt like the feeling when your cold is starting to go away, and you can finally breathe through your nose again and feel the energy coming back in your body. That's how it felt. I will allow myself to feel more, even if it makes me cry.

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General Discussion / Motivation
« on: April 25, 2018, 03:05:48 PM »
I've been thinking a lot about motivation and why it disappeared. All through life I've been motivated to do something, long term.

After I got a bad panick attack I decided to "quit" my school assignment (and do it later. If later happens). I argued it was due to focusing on my health. I understand more now that it's due to lack of motivation. It's all dead. I don't mind going to the therapist or do house chores or other every day things, I don't feel depressed. But I don't have any motivation for the future or long term plans.

It's scary because I've never been completely out of long term goals. How do I get the motivation back? I think it could help knowing the cause behind it, but I'm not sure what that is.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / I chose wrong
« on: April 11, 2018, 02:06:21 PM »
Some backstory, before this course I was thinking about taking a study break because I knew dealing with my issues, meeting a T and keeping up school and doing my candidate for uni would be a lot of preassure. The doctor I met with convinced me otherwise and I went against my gut feeling and kept going.

And today I had a really bad breakdown. I don't feel like I'm able to finnish my candidate, I can't even start it. I try but I just break down crying. Today I also had a pannick attack, which I havn't had in a while. It was worse than usual and I think if my partner wasn't there and if I was alone, I might have hurt myself. The thoughts were so strong and convincing. My whole body hurt and I couldn't control anything. I feel afraid to be alone.

I think I hit the wall today. Not sure if that is the expression in english but I feel completely done. I can't finnish my school project and I will have to talk to my supervisor about it. I don't know what my options are now or what will happen, I just know that I can't deal with school and therapy at the same time. My body reacted in a way I didn't recognize and it freaks me out. I should have listened to myself and my guts instead of the doctor. I feel like I chose the wrong way.

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Therapy / Met with T - loosing sense of reality
« on: April 04, 2018, 03:25:28 PM »
Met the therapist today and it didn't go well. I'm so disappointed and feels like I'm on square one again.

The T. started asking about the trauma 5 min into the conversation. I answered what I could, I had a feeling it was necessary. I was surprised still because she should have read my refferal with several pages of my journal.

Eventually I realised there was no point in me telling except having conversation. How is it helping to conversate about my trauma? I feel like crying just thinking about it. I asked if the T. knew about dissociation. She said no. I explained what happens when I dissociate and the issues around it and I asked how she will deal with that. She said she hope she will notice if I dissociate and hopefully help me out of it. Okay, but how, if you don't know anything about it!?

I feel offended that she read my journal and felt she could deal with my problems. I'm thinking that I will give her a second chance next meeting, to explain what it was about my problems she felt she could support me in.

I also asked if there was a plan or anything for the therapy and she said no. I'm just gonna go there and talk about what I feel like that day. But what about dealing with trauma, dissociation, flashbacks, stress, numbness, lack of trust, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts, inner child and critic. Will that just solve itself in the process of me talking about whatever I'm able to talk about?

I'm so confused. I feel small and worthless, like my issues don't excist. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I even think that maybe OOTS is just some comforting part of my imagination that I made up to not feel so lonely. How f*cked up is that!? No person I meet in person takes my issues seriously. They don't believe in them. They don't know or understand them. How can it be real then?

I realise I can dump this T. and re-do the whole process. I can in theory. But in practice, I don't think I can.

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Other / Meeting Difficult Relatives
« on: March 25, 2018, 02:02:36 PM »
Long post ahead.
TL;DR: Gossip relatives will ask why my partner don't join at parties - don't know what to answer to make them stop asking. Suggestions?

So Easter is coming up which means meeting relatives. I don't want to, but knowing how guilty and odd I'll feel about not going (I've been skipping a lot lately), I rather take the punch of meeting family.

Anyway, my relatives loves to gossip. My aunts especially. They will ask me several times why my partner isn't with me. My partner doesn't want to meet my family due to personal reasons.

The question is, I never know what to answer. I hate being asked every singel time why my partner isn't there, what he is doing, if he doesn't like them and why I don't bring him along. They don't ask to be supportive, they ask so they can feel better and superior and gossip with eachothers.

I try and avoid them, but the question always pops up. I usually answer that I don't know. But they don't give up. They will ask again and again. What should I say to make them quiet?

If I tell them the truth more questions will come and I get triggered. I already get triggered by just them being there.

I havn't talked to my partner about it because I don't want to risk guilt-tripping him. Also I don't think he will be very helpful. He never had any relatives to meet and for him it's easy to say "just don't talk to them", or "don't go there". But I can't. I'm already the black sheep in my family and I can't make it worse. My parents will guilt trip me if I don't go. I hate feeling guilty. I have yet to figure out how to deal with guilt.

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My partner is since about 3 months back no contact with his parents due to a (undiagnosed!) narcissistic mother.

I don't have narc. parents myself but I try to be understanding. I just wonder if I could get some input from others. (I have met my partners mother and she truly terrifies me).

The father hasn't behaved okay either, but I wonder if it might be more damaging for my partner to go no contact with him as well instead of keeping a relationship with at least one of his parents?

My partner won't really deal with all of this, and also, he can't meet a professional at the moment due to a lot of messy things. He wanna avoid both of the parents so I havn't pushed at anything. But I'm wondering and worrying because I feel partly responsible for him going no contact and I'm just afraid it will hurt him more. 

Maybe I just don't understand the situation fully. But others who has gone no contact, was it possible to build a relationship with one parent and not the other?

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Successes, Progress? / My first noticeable progress!
« on: March 17, 2018, 04:28:42 PM »
Wanted to share my first noticeable progress with you.

It started while listening to a pod and I got triggered by something that was said. My inner critic started shaming and guilt-tripping me.

I went to OOTS to the IC forum, remembering there was information how to cope. So I tried the steps in  the article "Calm your inner critic". And something amazing happened!

For others it might seem like the smallest thing, and therefore I felt like sharing on this forum where someone might understand what a huge step it was for me. The coping technique made me feel proud of myself for the first time ever.

It wasn't just a thought, it was a feeling. I didn't recognize the emotion, it was short, coming on and off for just a second. But it was there. I think what I felt was being proud. (I actually had to google if proud even was a feeling to make sure I wasn't way out, omg).

It might sound abstract, but I'm used to being numb or feeling negative feelings such as guilt, sadness, anger etc. This was new, and comforting. I could be proud over myself, even if only for a second. I didn't even know I could feel proud over myself. But I have that in me, the emotion exists!

I will keep exploring feelings and make the IC shut up. I'm seeing some hope, especially because I did it by myself, almost, this forum made it possible in the first place. ♡

Thank you

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Therapy / Need a push in the right direction
« on: March 02, 2018, 09:01:29 PM »
I got a referral from the doctor for therapy, it's a good thing, but I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Eventually I did get a positive answer, therapy, even in my own city. But I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!?

It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Trigger - Suicide Thoughts
« on: February 14, 2018, 06:53:21 PM »
Been having a very difficult day. Met the doctor, he asked a lot of personal questions. I couldn't answer some of them. Had to remember things. Feel things I didn't wanna feel. Think of things I havn't thought about. Question my sanity. Spill out my life to someone I don't know. Get judged.

Been feeling guilt. Hopelessness. Suicidal, thinking my option in life is death and this life wasn't meant for me. Had several breakdowns crying. It's just today but it feels like a lifetime. Everything is confusing, exhausting and pointless. I know I don't feel like this all the time. I know other times I feel nothing.

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