Menu

Show posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Show posts Menu

Topics - Cookido

#1
General Discussion / DID symptoms
February 17, 2019, 01:46:19 PM
TL:DR I feel as if I might experience symptoms of DID, but I am not sure if I'm just going crazy or being hypochondriacal. Second oppinion appriciated.

Writing this post is making me super anxious because I feel as if I'm being crazy mentioning this or discussing this. It felt like a reasonable thing to do a moment ago but now I feel as if I'm making myself too exposed to this forum.

I've noticed lately that I relate to some symptoms of DID - Dissociative Identity Disorder, or multiple personalities. I know that some people on this forum have discussed DID, but I havn't fully understood it until now. I'm not sure what made me realise it, but somehow now it feels more obvious that I have several different personalities within me. I've always struggeled with identity, not knowing who I am, what I like to do, how I like to dress or present myself to others, etc.

Now I realise DID is a very complex diagnosis and changing how you dress from time to time doesn't really say anything.

This is really hard writing about because I am very confused by it as well. The main reason I suspect DID is because I can  differentiate between two main dominant personalities, which are very different from eachother. One is "emotionless", lacks empathy, prefers being alone, very rational and almost to the verge of being autistic when it comes to social interactions, negative emotinal state such as depressed, or realistic, having several leader characteristics. Sometimes "I" get annoyed by this personality because it's being so unsympathetic, sometimes I don't even agree with what it is saying, but still continue discussing as if "I" can't control it. This personality is an expert at destroying relationships, or rather protects from being hurt.

The other dominant personality is basically the opposite. Energetic, social, emphatic, lovable, experience more positive feelings and also have goals for the future. This personality has become a lot more dominant after starting the anti-depressants, but it has also helped distinguish the other parts, because even though I am on the medicin, I completely shift in character at times. Sometimes the shifts are longer and other times it can shift from minute to minute.

Maybe it's a normal thing that people feel this way? Maybe everyone has it?
I've seen other people who speaks about DID having different names for their parts. That's not something I've experienced, however I know that I feel as if I'm a different gender or age from time to time. For example, the first dominant personality is fully acceptant of being gender neutral, while the other dominant personality identifies with being a woman. I also have a part of me who is a lot younger, and is in need of comfort and humant contact, even being playful or speaks more childlike (which I find especially disturbing because it's so unlike me, however it keeps happening). This younger part only appears together with my partner, I think that's due to feeling completely comfortable with him. My partner hasn't openly spoken about it but I'm aware he notices it because when I "become my younger self", he usually mimics the way I act or speak, not in a mocking way, but more as if he is interracting with a child. Sometimes I feel as if he understands more about me than I am. I can also add that the first dominant part views the relationship with my partner as a friendship and wouldn't take initiative to ever hug him.

Even though it rarely happens I have had moments where I can't remember big chunks of time. Two years ago several weeks was lost from my memory, I still don't know what I did or what happened during that time. I also have very few memories from my childhood and teen-age years. The expression that my memory is an ocean filled with islands fits very well, because I lack a timeline for when my memories are from.

One silly thing I noticed that I do, which I havn't thought about before, is that I sometimes thank myself for doing certain things. I was walking home in the evening and thinking about how I have to do the dishes and clean when getting home, but when I got home I saw that they were already done. Not thinking too much about it I thanked myself for doing the dishes and cleaning up for me, so I didn't have to (confusing?). I didn't have any memory of doing them during the morning or making the appartment look neat, but obviously I did.

There are more things I could mention but I feel as if this is enough to kinda give a picture of what I am experiencing. It would be nice to get a second oppinion that isn't my own.

If anyone can relate or have an explanation that isn't DID, feel free to express it. Sometimes I feel as if I just want to find an answer to why I am like I am, and I'm afraid that looking for these answers might lead me into believing things that are completely wrong or ridiculus. I honestly feel as if I'm going crazy sometimes. What am I experiencing? Is it even real?
#2
Before reading I want to point out that I am not sure what the difference is between emotion and feeling and I might have gotten it wrong in my text. I thought they were synonyms till I looked it up. The difference in definitions confused me so I decided to just keep my text as it is.

Today I told myself what no other person have been able to understand that I need to hear. I told myself that it's okay to take a break; it's okay to lower my ambitions and it's okay to lower the demands that I have on myself. What that means in practice is that it's okay for me to quit my education.

I guess it makes sense that only I know what I need to hear, especially when I have been so incapable of opening up to others. How are people supposed to understand that I cannot regain motivation to complete my study, when the origin of my lack of motivation roots back to unwillingness to live?  With this realisation, I also understand what I need to do in order to regain control over my life, my emotions and mental well-being. The issue is not that I want to die, it is that I do not want to live. Therefore, I need to find a place where I enjoy living in. I am done living for others.

I remember when my therapist told me to think of how my parents or my sibling would feel if I commited suicide. That I should think of them, their feelings and reaction in order to keep myself from harming myself. I remember thinking that it made no sense to me, not logically or emotionally. How is guilt supposed to motivate me into living? You are telling me the only reason I should keep on living is for the feelings of others? Guilt-tripped into living, what a motivator. Guilt has already been the primary emotional state during my entire life. Guilt has never been a motivational emotion for me. It has surpressed me, disabled me and stupefied me.

Wanting to live is an emotional state. I have memories of a feeling where the thought of living felt easy, enjoyable and possible. I felt it in my body. I remember the feeling as warm, energetic and light (I even thought there was a possibility I would lift from the ground and float). I don't know if the experience is relatable. But a feeling like this is rare for me. Most of my life has been depression or numbness. Knowing there are other feelings or other emotional states, and that I am able to experience them, are motivational. I just havn't lived in a way that let me feel, happy, I guess?

I wrote this text because I had an urge to share what I view as an accomplishment and step forward in recovery to a community who understands the difficulties living with emotional confusion. When I told myself that it's okay to quit my education I started crying because I felt relief. I have accepted my situation, understand what I need to do in order to move forward and I feel motivated to focus and take charge of my recovery process, as for today at least. I also felt like it's important to save my reflection, because I might need to go back and remind myself to allow relief.
#3
Other / Intrusive Thoughts
May 23, 2018, 12:48:28 PM
One of the symptoms I struggle most with is intrusive thoughts. They are usually future conversations I might have, very repetitive and detailed. Sometimes they are about the past and I repeat or dwell over events. I think the thoughts are irritating to have and when I notice them I try and distract myself with music or likewise.

Anyway, today I thought about it and came up with a theory on why I have intrusive thoughts. Maybe the thoughts are a way to distract myself from the feelings I'm having in that moment.

The question I have is if someone else in the forum struggle with intrusive thoughts and if my theory seems reasonable? Or if someone can share their knowledge on the subject. Ways to cope with the thoughts, what helps, worsens or causes them. 

And also, thank you everyone on the forum. It's amazing to have a place to share these thoughts.
#4
Therapy / Ultimatum
May 17, 2018, 09:19:15 PM
I decided I wanted to change therapist due to losing my trust for her during our last session (she handled me being dissociated badly).

Turns out I have two choices. Either I quit therapy, but then have to wait a year for new treatment. Or I finnish the therapy with a therapist I don't trust and whom have no idea when I'm dissociated, what to do or what dissociation is. I have the freeze respons almost every session.

I could also pay for private care or move. But I have to see if my economy can handle any of thouse.

I'm in a bad mood because of the whole thing. I blame myself a lot for not looking into my rights more, maybe the whole thing could have been avoided (I had 5 sessions to decide if I wanted to stay or not, apparently that was also a decision which would decide my future 1 year ahead. I waited too long before deciding).

I think I will stay in therapy. Maybe I can ask the therapist to leave and I can use the time for something else, like nap for 45 min two times a week.
#5
Emotional Abuse / Identity and bullying
May 11, 2018, 12:41:16 PM
I was bullied in form of exclusion from the age of 6 to 15. I was in the same school with the same people during 9 years. Most of the time I was dissociated and I lack a lot of memories from thouse years. I was deeply depressed, I didn't talk, I was alone and boring. When that finally came to an end I started a new school and decided that I would be a different person. I became the complete opposite from who I was before. I wanted to be independent, a leader, outspoken, successful and outspoken. So the first day of school I acted as that person and became that person.

I got friends, a partner, I did well in school and started taking charge over my life at home as well. I completely erased the person I was before and the background I had. My previous experiences did still make themselves noticed through pannick and anxiety attacks or anxiety in social settings. I ignored it pretty well though and I never viewed thouse 9 years of my life as a trauma that mattered.

Since I started working with my background I'm realising how much I changed in just a day basically back then. I'm struggeling a lot with identity and many times I'm not sure who I am. I want to be the person I became after the age of 15 but it's also confusing to ignore the person I was for 9 years. I'm 22 today and I feel like I lost both parts and I'm just one big confusing mess of a person. I don't identify with anything.

Can I integrate  thouse two people or should I even do so? When I talk about my past it feels like I'm talking about someone else. I don't feel like I can be a person without a past. When I try and figure out who I am it feels like there's too many missing pieces to make a whole picture out of.

I'm also not sure if it did damage to just be someone else. Maybe it's normal to do so? I remember my current partner thinking it was strange that I chat very differently depending on who I talk to (on the internet). I adapt a lot while he's just the same with everyone. Which I find very strange instead. I have this very strong urge to be normal, even though I also realise that normal doesn't really excist.

Sorry for long and maybe confusing post.
#6
General Discussion / Finally a step forward
May 03, 2018, 09:49:05 AM
I allowed myself to grieve today. I felt sorry for my young self, I cried for her, for her lonelyness and helplessness. I cried for how I was treated and how I've been ignored by family, friends and any authority or adult who could have reached out.

After that I comforted myself. I went back, as an adult, and were there for my younger self. I deserved a voice as a child and therefore I kept my younger self company, for all thouse times I were alone.

That's what I wished someone would have done back then. I would have done so, because I know now that the younger me didn't deserve to be so unhappy.

Being allowed to grieve but also being able to comfort, felt like a step forward. Afterwards I kinda felt like the feeling when your cold is starting to go away, and you can finally breathe through your nose again and feel the energy coming back in your body. That's how it felt. I will allow myself to feel more, even if it makes me cry.
#7
General Discussion / Motivation
April 25, 2018, 03:05:48 PM
I've been thinking a lot about motivation and why it disappeared. All through life I've been motivated to do something, long term.

After I got a bad panick attack I decided to "quit" my school assignment (and do it later. If later happens). I argued it was due to focusing on my health. I understand more now that it's due to lack of motivation. It's all dead. I don't mind going to the therapist or do house chores or other every day things, I don't feel depressed. But I don't have any motivation for the future or long term plans.

It's scary because I've never been completely out of long term goals. How do I get the motivation back? I think it could help knowing the cause behind it, but I'm not sure what that is.
#8
Therapy / Met with T - loosing sense of reality
April 04, 2018, 03:25:28 PM
Met the therapist today and it didn't go well. I'm so disappointed and feels like I'm on square one again.

The T. started asking about the trauma 5 min into the conversation. I answered what I could, I had a feeling it was necessary. I was surprised still because she should have read my refferal with several pages of my journal.

Eventually I realised there was no point in me telling except having conversation. How is it helping to conversate about my trauma? I feel like crying just thinking about it. I asked if the T. knew about dissociation. She said no. I explained what happens when I dissociate and the issues around it and I asked how she will deal with that. She said she hope she will notice if I dissociate and hopefully help me out of it. Okay, but how, if you don't know anything about it!?

I feel offended that she read my journal and felt she could deal with my problems. I'm thinking that I will give her a second chance next meeting, to explain what it was about my problems she felt she could support me in.

I also asked if there was a plan or anything for the therapy and she said no. I'm just gonna go there and talk about what I feel like that day. But what about dealing with trauma, dissociation, flashbacks, stress, numbness, lack of trust, negative thoughts, obsessive thoughts, inner child and critic. Will that just solve itself in the process of me talking about whatever I'm able to talk about?

I'm so confused. I feel small and worthless, like my issues don't excist. I feel like I'm going crazy again. I even think that maybe OOTS is just some comforting part of my imagination that I made up to not feel so lonely. How f*cked up is that!? No person I meet in person takes my issues seriously. They don't believe in them. They don't know or understand them. How can it be real then?

I realise I can dump this T. and re-do the whole process. I can in theory. But in practice, I don't think I can.
#9
My partner is since about 3 months back no contact with his parents due to a (undiagnosed!) narcissistic mother.

I don't have narc. parents myself but I try to be understanding. I just wonder if I could get some input from others. (I have met my partners mother and she truly terrifies me).

The father hasn't behaved okay either, but I wonder if it might be more damaging for my partner to go no contact with him as well instead of keeping a relationship with at least one of his parents?

My partner won't really deal with all of this, and also, he can't meet a professional at the moment due to a lot of messy things. He wanna avoid both of the parents so I havn't pushed at anything. But I'm wondering and worrying because I feel partly responsible for him going no contact and I'm just afraid it will hurt him more. 

Maybe I just don't understand the situation fully. But others who has gone no contact, was it possible to build a relationship with one parent and not the other?
#10
Wanted to share my first noticeable progress with you.

It started while listening to a pod and I got triggered by something that was said. My inner critic started shaming and guilt-tripping me.

I went to OOTS to the IC forum, remembering there was information how to cope. So I tried the steps in  the article "Calm your inner critic". And something amazing happened!

For others it might seem like the smallest thing, and therefore I felt like sharing on this forum where someone might understand what a huge step it was for me. The coping technique made me feel proud of myself for the first time ever.

It wasn't just a thought, it was a feeling. I didn't recognize the emotion, it was short, coming on and off for just a second. But it was there. I think what I felt was being proud. (I actually had to google if proud even was a feeling to make sure I wasn't way out, omg).

It might sound abstract, but I'm used to being numb or feeling negative feelings such as guilt, sadness, anger etc. This was new, and comforting. I could be proud over myself, even if only for a second. I didn't even know I could feel proud over myself. But I have that in me, the emotion exists!

I will keep exploring feelings and make the IC shut up. I'm seeing some hope, especially because I did it by myself, almost, this forum made it possible in the first place. ♡

Thank you
#11
Therapy / Need a push in the right direction
March 02, 2018, 09:01:29 PM
I got a referral from the doctor for therapy, it's a good thing, but I just felt tired. I have to find my own therapist, and I've been looking, writing emails (calling is difficult). It's so hard for some reason, I manage to write one and then my energy is lost.

Eventually I did get a positive answer, therapy, even in my own city. But I havn't written them back yet, it was 3 days ago. Why don't I write back? What's keeping me? I usually do everything I should. I went through meeting the doctor, answering all his questions and now I decide to be passive!?

It's frustrating. I want someone to tell me to do it or help me do it, be there when I look for help and support me. I guess that's what's wrong.
#12
General Discussion / Who am I without the symptoms?
February 04, 2018, 12:04:43 AM
Not sure where to discuss this but I wanted to share it at least. I found out via a subreddit on cptsd, that a symptom of high anxiety is making up stories before bed in order to relax because the created world is a safe space.

This information really crushed me. Once again, a part of something I viewed as being me, my identity I guess, became another symptom of this disorder. It felt like a part of me got ripped out. How can I view a symptom as positive? How do other people fall asleep? What am I without the symptoms?

I decided, * it, I can't deal with this. I can't sleep without my second world. I've never had issues sleeping because of it, and I'm afraid to loose it. I'm scared that more things that used to be me turns out to be symptoms.

After the experience I've been more off than usual, hollow and dissociating. I guess I feel kinda lost at the moment, and very tired.
#13
Therapy / Therapist don't know CPTSD
January 22, 2018, 06:21:40 AM
Met a therapist a week ago and talked about CPTSD-related problems for the first time. The therapist did not know what CPTSD was. He said he doesn't use diagnoses in his treatment. Then proceeds to give me several questionairs about depression and different anxiety disorders that I fill in. Afterwards he says he thinks I have general anxiety disorder (so much for not using diagnoses) and wants to treat me accordingly. The whole thing didn't feel hopeful at all. He barely asked me questions and seemed to assume everything about me. 

So to why I wrote the post, is it possible to treat CPTSD without knowing about it, or should I look for another therapist?

Sidenote: So happy the site is up and running again. Been a tough week without it, especially after meeting a therapist and not being able to talk about it to anyone. Didn't understand how much OOTS means to me until the website crash. Thank you all for a great community ♡
#14
For as long as I can remember I have had a high tolerance for pain. However, I am also starting to notice that it's not only pain I'm less sensitive to, but also physical touch in general. Sometimes I don't feel anything at all when someone touches me, it's like I'm observing someone else and it's not me that they are touching. Is this also dissociating? Can someone relate?
#15
Employment / Quitting job - struggle with IC
December 15, 2017, 11:27:05 AM
I'm doing an internship and it's soon about to end which means saying goodbye to colleagues, clients or others I've worked with during the past half year.

Saying goodbye is not my strong side and it's causing a lot of anxiety. In previous jobs I dealt with quitting by not saying anything to anyone, I just never showed up again. It's how I prefer it. But at this internship people have been very nice and likeable. My ICritic is therefore causing a lot of trouble.

On one hand it tells me that no one cares if I quit. That I'm not appreciated at work and just another colleague. On the other hand it tells me I'm selfish and mean for not saying goodbye and I will hurt people if I don't say anything, which really guilt-trip me.

I'm not sure what the best option is. Push myself to say goodbye to everyone and risk feeling emotionally exhausted and anxiety. Or I don't say goodbye, but then feeling guilt or missing out on positive feedback.

It feels like a no win situation, but maybe someone here has struggled with the same type of dilemma and found a third way I can't yet see.

I did say goodbye to one colleague yesterday and we hugged (hugs are very difficult). The whole thing felt forced and awkward.
#16
I have issues with c-ptsd and my partner have always tried his best to support me. However, my partner seems to be having problems himself. He differs a lot from me when he feels bad. He isolates himself, doesn't want to talk or do anything, sometimes he expresses suicidal thoughts. I am not sure why he feels this way.

Usually I emotionally dissociate when he feels this way. I don't feel empathy for him and it doesn't help that he barely tells me what's going on. I think he needs comfort, but I feel unable to give him that due to my own problems.

He is not motivated so seek therapy or any other kind of help. Am I even able to do anything? I'm so unsure to what to do or think, all I know is that it feels stressfull each time he becomes depressed like this.

Maybe someone has advice. Otherwise it helps being able to just write down my thoughts.