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There's a lot to the situation with my current partner, and I won't belabor every detail, but I'll share the parts that trouble me the most.

I don't think we're a great match for each other. But does that inspire me to leave the relationship? No. I put up with less than what I deserve consistently because I believe it's the only thing I'm capable of getting. I've been trying for the past two years to make new friends with the hopes of seeing that there are other caring people out there, but every connection I've tried to make has fizzled or failed to start. I don't have the tools, or skills, or I'm just too defended to let people in or get to know them. He was able to slip through the cracks because of how eager he was to get to know me...it made it easier to open up. I'm so terrified of being alone that I make excuses for his behavior and I'll work to save the relationship at any cost.

Recently he's broken up with me twice - out of the blue both times. The first time, he took it back shortly after saying it. The second time he did it, I tried to cut off all contact, but he went so far as to leave notes on my car and show up to my house unannounced to tell me what a mistake he made. Both times I took him back (out of fear of being alone) and now I'm losing myself trying to keep him happy so he doesn't do it a third time. I haven't raised any issues with him and I've tried to be this sunshiney person that I know I'm not just to make sure he'll stay. I feel like I can't show my true emotions to him otherwise he'll break up with me again.

And if he does it again, it's final. If he shows up at my house, I'm getting a restraining order. I have the common sense to know that I can't entertain this complete lack of regard for my feelings. But I'm so afraid of it getting to that point that it seems like I'm willing to do anything to avoid him leaving me. I live now with a constant unease that I'm not allowed to be my true self and I get stuck on thoughts of abandonment - what if he decides to break up with me today? What if he doesn't love me anymore? And the thing is, I know logically that this isn't a good relationship for me! But I can't let go of it because he's the only person in my life left to show me love. Without him, it's just me, and in my dark places I don't have enough self-love to survive on. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but it's this utter fear of being left alone that I know comes from the oldest childhood wounds. I know I would be coping better if I had a stronger support system, but it's just not there.

Does anybody else have this fear? Any advice on how to better handle the idea of being completely alone - no friends, no family?

I was in an argument with my partner over the phone. It started when I asked him a question and he took it as me being snide when really I just wanted clarification. He threw an insult at me and I felt this warm surge roll through my body. We continued to argue over it and it escalated until we just got off the phone. I was curled up on the couch crying for 1 1/2-2 hours until I got a text that to me seemed like a reconciliation bid (my place, wine and relax). Something in my gut was roiling, telling me I shouldn't, but I thought it was a better alternative than continuing to be alone and sad so I said yes.

Well, shame on me for not trusting my gut, because 5 minutes after he got there he picked a fight about it again. The roiling feeling intensified and I asked him to leave three times (he didn't). When he didn't leave, my emotions and literally everything went into shut down. I couldn't dislodge my eyes from the ceiling or some other faraway point. I couldn't engage in conversation save for short utterances. I couldn't be bothered to follow any social cues...I felt like a shell.

And it stayed that way for a few hours.  I was sitting on the couch with my feet up, my gaze fixed onto my big toe. It was the weirdest thing - it would feel like my toe for a second, but then it would shift to not-my-toe. Hard to describe....like not feeling it physically as part of my body AND not mentally identifying it as body. I couldn't feel anything unless I put 100% of my concentration towards feeling, and even then it was dull, and only for stretches of a few seconds at a time. Eventually I used ice and a rubber band which helped me feel something again, but I was so numb and just mentally gone that it scared me once I came to my senses.

And this may be a silly question, but any ideas on how to stop it from happening again? Do I need to listen to my instincts better, or maybe be firmer in my boundaries?

Hey everybody - I signed up for an account a while back and poked around a little but couldn't bring myself to post. That's how I've lived the majority of my life: on the outskirts, never really engaging, fleeting in and out of substitutions for human connection. What's it's given me is a life of utter isolation and I'm so, so ready for that to be different. I've endured several years of abuse at the hands of my primary caregivers and as an adult I'm suffering the consequences.

For most of my adult life, I was completely shut down from my past. I pretended that it all happened to someone ELSE - I used to joke that I was born when I was 18 years old and that's that.  But trauma has a way of roping you back until you finally pay attention to what hurts...and that, for me, was going to school to be a therapist. I suffered all throughout my education as the wallpaper covering my past began slowly peeling away. I attempted suicide a week before my graduation because I knew at the bottom of my heart that I could not help others before I took a look at myself, and looking was going to be too painful. It was a trap that trauma set for me to force me to confront myself and all I'd been hiding.

It's been a few years since then, and after a few more hospitalizations and rock bottoms, I finally started trauma therapy this year. It's been kicking my butt and I'm uncomfortable for virtually every second of it, but I know it's so necessary if I ever stand a chance at living a fulfilling life. The jury is still out as to whether or not I'll ever feel "normal", or if I'll fit in, get married, raise kids of my own....it's all a big question mark, and as I watch the people I grew up with all getting these things, it motivates me that much more to look my trauma in the face so I can move on and have the life I've always wanted. I get to make my own choices now, the first of which being working on myself....followed very closely by building real, honest, intimate relationships. That's my dream. And I'm hoping that with enough work and persistence (and patience and self-care), it can happen. We'll see.

Thanks in advance for the kind welcome