Topics

Stop
The pain
The shame, never ending, overwhelming shame
Feeling worthless
A failure
Wrong
A broken shell with rotting insides
Self doubt, self hate, self harm
Ugly, bitter, twisted
Bad
Rotten to the core
A pain, a burden, a risk
A waste
Wearing a mask to hide the truth
Wanting to please
Wanting to trust
Wanting to love
Not knowing how
The never ending turn and return
No escape
No reprieve
No hope
Stop

I had never heard of EFs until I came on here and I'm not sure if I completely understand what they are but something happened today  that I think is it and I wanted to see if it is. I was cleaning my kitchen and singing along to Simon & Garfunkel. I was at the sink washing dishes and suddenly I was transported back to being a kid. When my M would go out to shops etc I'd be expected to clean up. I felt free when she left and would put on a record and sing along, Simon & Garfunkel was a favourite for cleaning the kitchen. Our sink looked out the window at our driveway and I would stand there hoping and praying that she crashed or somehow was killed. When .I would see her car come down the driveway my fear came back and I would frantically try to make sure I had cleaned the kitchen right. Of course I would have done something wrong.
Today I suddenly got overtaken by fear and felt sick. I was able to keep the panic in check but have felt that sense of fear and doom since. Is that an EF?

There's a bit of a back story to this so please bear with me. A couple of months ago the mother of my dd's friend treated me quite badly. She (we'll call her B) was rude and cold all of a sudden, took me off a whatsapp group and made it very clear that other than a weekly class they share our kids (who are best buddies) would not be socialising. This was all done in a very passive aggressive way. I of course analysed and tried to figure out what I'd done wrong but couldn't come up with a reason. It caused me a lot of anxiety and I dreaded the weekly class where I would inevitably see her. I also had to explain to my six year old dd that she wouldn't be having play dates etc anymore, which broke my heart. Eventually though I just tried to push it aside as her issue not mine and I was friendly to her if I met her etc.
On Monday I was at a coffee shop with my very close friends who would be aware of all this when B arrived in with her DH and sat a couple of tables away. I don't think she saw me but if she did she didn't acknowledge me. At one stage I went up to get us more coffees and when I came back down she saw me and said hello. So I went over to her table and politely chatted to her and her DH about Christmas etc. When I returned to our table my friends were all amazed at the fact that I had gone over and spoken to her etc. They asked me why I would go out of my way to be nice/polite to her when she is obviously not a nice person and had treated me so badly? They were all very confused by my actions and these are very decent, giving, nice women. I said it is easier to be friendly than not when we are inevitably going to cross paths. But I've been thinking about it a lot since and it has brought up my anxiety. Why do I always treat people well who have hurt/badly treated me? Like a lost puppy I go back for more kicks time and time again. This is only a mild example of it but I guess my friends' reactions showed me that it's not 'normal' behaviour. And I can see how this behaviour led me into abusive situations time and again.

Has anyone here had experience of Comprehensive Resource Model therapy? My T is using this and my research of it has brought up mixed thoughts on it. I'm very early on in the therapy and frankly willing to do anything to improve things but I'm curious to know others experiences. It's hard to find stuff about it online that isn't linked directly to the original T who came up with it.
Thanks.

Hi all I have lurked on this site for a while now but finally registered last night. I've suffered from what I thought was depression my whole life as far as I can remember. Last year I spent 6 weeks in a mental health institution and was diagnosed with CPTSD. At the time I think I only registered the PTSD bit. I started a compassion focused therapy course which I found really good but unfortunately was diagnosed with breast cancer and had to undergo a double mastectomy & reconstruction in July so I had to give up the course and dealing with the cancer took over. I was on a waiting list for a year for trauma based therapy which I started in October. I then started to look at the Complex part of the diagnosis and so much of it made sense. Right now I'm really struggling with how to explain it to those around me. Everyone was so accepting of my cancer diagnosis (all sorted now) but I'd go through that a million times over than this constant battle in my head and yet I can't make others understand that. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a marathon not a sprint.