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i've tried to start my journal thread a few times, but i don't really know where and how to start...

i can't start at the beginning. i still don't know where the beginning was. i cant remember any initial, "core" trauma. my earliest relevant memories are about symptoms or indicators of trauma, not about any possible sources. early memories (and even relatively later ones) are very muddled or hidden. not much comes up.

i could start with today, but then i'd be trying to tell my story both forwards and backwards, as time goes on and i make new discoveries...and no doubt i'd be leaving things out and getting confused

that leaves me nowhere to start, and it kind of seems easier not to start in the first place.

sometimes i have second thoughts about wanting to post at all, even though the members of this forum have been nothing but lovely. i don't want to take your time and attention. i have a paper journal at home, that should be enough....having my own thread seems like such a huge step toward taking up space in the world, and that's intimidating. to tell my innermost thoughts to an audience feels like an act of narcissism. i even feel a bit like when i tell my T this stuff. it feels like all this darkness and sickness belongs inside of me, where it has always stayed, not out in the world where others can see it.

on the other hand, i remember why i came to this forum in the first place: all these memories and emotions were coming up for me, too often and too fast for processing in therapy, and i felt the need to be heard and seen by someone else. normally i process my thoughts in private and only share the overall patterns or the conclusions i come up with. but i'm not that good at processing emotions. they get too intense and i find it hard to bring them to light without the anchoring, accepting presence of an empathetic listener.

so i think i will start with that, as a dedication for my journal thread. a reminder of why i am sharing, as well as what holds me back from doing so and what makes it so difficult.

i met my H in 2011, married in 2013, separated late 2016. during our relationship he lied, cheated, manipulated, raged, put me down, accused me of all sorts of misbehaviors, controlled how i looked/where i went/who i saw....he made me fear for my life just for laughs. he got drunk frequently and started fights with me. he treated my body like a toy, coerced me into sex whenever he felt like it, screamed at me and slammed doors if i didn't give him what he wanted. he began to find problems with my family and friends, they were all bad or crazy in some way, and i should cut them out of my life and only trust him....i could go on and on, it was objectively horrible, but he had me so confused and manipulated that i kept clinging to him and was scared of leaving.

he was the one who ended our relationship...though it was my "fault" because i didn't love him and had a crush on someone else. he kicked me out of our apartment with only my go bag and told me he never wanted to see me again. while i was on the street looking for somewhere to go, he called my parents and my closest friends and even my work...he wrote a public announcement on facebook about how i was the cheater and liar...before i told a soul, people were texting and calling me to ask if it was true...

it took me a couple of weeks to find a temporary home and get my belongings into storage....after harassing me with cruel emails and texts the whole time, suddenly H started to act sad and begged me to come back! because he'd always loved me, we could forget the whole thing if i'd just come home...etc etc. i know it sounds like a bad soap opera. i wish i could say i made it up, haha. i'd be a rich and famous tv director.

H convinced me to attend marriage counseling, which was a total disaster...according to him i was the one who asked for divorce, after several affairs and abandoning him during his supposed illness, and all he wanted was to give me another chance, and he knew that's what i wanted too, if the counselor could just help persuade me!! i'm so grateful that the counselor saw through him and told him to let me make my own decision. H stomped out of the counselor's office and that's the last i've seen of him....

since then i've just been waiting for the 2 year separation term to finish. i have my own life now and an amazing new partner who loves me very much. but i just don't know how i will get through this process. i hate waiting. i hate paying $$$thousands to lawyers who couldn't help speed it up. i hate being called Mrs. H at the bank and the post office. i hate checking my email and seeing something rude from mostly-ex-H. i hate going near his (formerly our) apartment. i hate running into former friends who believed what he said about me. i hate looking over my shoulder because i thought i saw him on the street. i hate dreaming about him finding me and killing me.

at the same time i'm terrified of what will happen when i'm finally allowed to file for divorce because that's only the start of the process. he swore to "take me for everything i've got" and i'm sure we will end up in court for who knows how long....i don't want to give up anything else to buy my freedom from him. worst of all, this is not my home country, i moved here with H, so i'm terrified that i will have my residency permit taken in the divorce and i will lose everything again....

i just want to feel safe and at peace, i don't know how to truly heal when all of this is hanging over me.

many thanks and a if you've read the whole thing....it's the first post i've made so i hope it's in the right place and everything