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« on: May 08, 2015, 07:12:37 PM »
Here's the situation.
I cut off contact with my parents. My M has some combination of BPD, npd, and sociopathic traits. My F puts her needs above his children's. My siblings still maintain contact, but keep me out of it.
Years passed and I made progress, mentally and physically.
A family crisis came up a couple years ago and I agreed to be in the same house as my M. I had been NC about five years. I thought I would be ok. I was scared yes, but I thought once I actually saw her I would find that things had changed. I didn't think she had changed, I thought I had changed. I thought that since I was an adult now, I would no longer be terrified, that if I saw her I would see that she had no power over me.
When I first saw her there was a greeting equivalent to how you would greet someone after a few days. M had been warned to be on her best behavior by my brother. My siblings both assured me that they would not tolerate any poor behavior from her. I saw her think about starting to cry, then decide against it. I know that sounds weird, but I learned early to read her every facial tick. I held it together about 24 hours. I ate lunch at the same table as her, watched a movie in the same room as her. Thinking the whole time how surreal it was. Wondering why I was the only one who could see how f***ed the situation was. Me sitting at the same table as my abuser. She hardly interacted with me. A good thing, sort of. My father tried hovering, really set my teeth on edge. I thought at least he would care how I was doing, but he was only interested in gathering info for M.
Then I broke. I went to the room I was staying in, went in the closet and sobbed. I was so overwhelmed. Since I had heard that I would be in her presence I had been on high alert. Like on red alert, when you've opened the cover over the red button and your hand is hovering over the button ready to push it. Just her presence made me feel that way. I cried for hours, trying to talk myself out of the closet. I called some people and they were very kind and helpful. I never do this, but i knew it was beyond what I could handle. I finally calmed down after I made the decision to not see M again. I stayed in the room until she was gone.
I feel like a failure. My T assures me that this was a healthy response. It feels weak. My M has taken another 2,3,4? years of my life, as this has set me way back in my recovery. I hate that. I hate that I consented to this. I can logically see that this kind of response is expected when the abuse is physical. My M's primary abuse was verbal and psychological. I have no frame of reference to how people respond when they had this kind of abuse.
Can anyone else relate to reacting so strongly when in the presence of their abuser?
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