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Topics - Deep Blue

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Mother's/Father's Day / Happy Motherís day
« on: May 12, 2019, 12:42:40 PM »
Happy Motherís Day to the motherís on this forum.

I always strive to be a better mother to my son than my mother was to me.

So many of us were treated unfairly by our parents.  Many were ridiculed, beaten or neglected.

 On motherís day I make a promise to NEVER be that way with my child.  I will be the parent I wish so many of us had in our lives.  Much love and compassion for you all on this forum.  :grouphug:

Recovery Journals / Deep Blueís progression not perfection journal
« on: May 09, 2019, 05:32:05 PM »
A dear forum friend wrote to me about striving for progression not perfection.  I think that is excellent! So I decided to make it the title of my new journal.

I have summer coming up and will hopefully be able to give myself more of the healing time I need.  I need to be better to my body... Iíve really packed on the pounds since this past August. I think a fitness plan is order once Iím out of school for the summer.

I also plan on really working on my mental health.  Iím starting to get into some of the scarier trauma work.  Some memories are so visceral that even now I donít want to write, talk about or deal with them.  Maybe once summer comes I can be more brave??

My plan is, if I tackle this stuff over the summer then I will be free more often to make a followup appointment if I feel like Iím slipping or derailing.

Cheers to progression

Iíve spoken about this in the PA section of the forum before... last year at this time actually...

Sunday is the anniversary of the worst PA I ever endured during my abuse. I learned to dissociate during my beatings to avoid the pain.  That night it was so severe that I blacked out.

Now I have the body memories... Iím being hit every night when I close my eyes. My back spasms as if Iím being hit even now...

I donít know what I need???  :Idunno: Iím posting in hopes of feeling less alone I think

Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Fighting the urge
« on: March 19, 2019, 05:20:05 PM »
Iím really fighting the urge to self harm the last couple days.  It keeps popping in my head.  I tell myself itís not worth it. I have tried squeezing ice cubes, drawing hard on paper, coloring in red, so many things!!!!

Itís still there  :Idunno:  I know if I do it, Iíll be able to breathe again.  But Iíve come so far to slip now...  :Idunno:

Just need people to tell me it will be ok and the urge will pass  ???

Poetry & Creative Writing / I Smile
« on: March 16, 2019, 08:43:47 PM »
I smile
So they wonít know...
To hide what I feel...
Even when it hurts...
I smile
To disguise the pain.

By: Deep Blue

Checking Out / Around less for the month of February
« on: February 06, 2019, 02:23:06 AM »
Hey everyone,
Iíve been pretty quiet on the forum lately.  I just wanted to let everyone know that Iím fine.

Iím gonna take a break for the rest of February.  I need some time away.  I may read, but probably wonít post much, and thatís ok for me right now.

Poetry & Creative Writing / Dissociated
« on: December 16, 2018, 04:44:44 PM »
I float through the day.
It seems endless.
I go through the motions.
No highs.
No lows.
Detached from my surroundings.
A spectator of my own life.
An empty shell,
till the world cracks through again.

Poetry & Creative Writing / Drowning
« on: November 21, 2018, 10:12:39 PM »
I stand on the shore and watch him bobbing in the water. 
His head goes under waves but he comes back up for air.
He flails his arms and yells for attention.
ďIím drowningĒ, he yells.
I throw him a rope
He does not reach for it...

I should jump in and save him!
If I go to his rescue, itís certain he will pull me under
I look him in the eyes and throw the rope again
My eyes urge him to try to help himself
He stares back cold, angry.

I sit on the shore and put down the rope
There I sit watching...
Watching him drown.

Books & Articles / Secondary trauma in helping professions
« on: October 17, 2018, 02:14:49 PM »
The link below is to an interesting article I read recently.  It very much relates to many of us with CPTSD.  We often, have a need to help others because we were not helped ourselves. (Thatís how I feel anyway).

This article shines a light on this.  It talks specifically about educators, but I think he relates to anyone in a career field that helps others.  Sometimes I am triggered by things in my studentís lives. When that happens it forces me to take a mental health day or recalibrate from time to time because the work I do is very important to me.

Dating; Marriage/Divorce; In-Laws / Insensitive In-Laws
« on: September 30, 2018, 12:22:18 PM »
I feel both anger and nauseated as I write this:

My inlaws were joking last week about their daughter.  My sister in law lives overseas where it is quite cold.  A few years ago, she had a breakdown and was hospitalized.  Her husband felt he had no other choice.  He wanted to protect her from herself.

My inlaws had to fly overseas to help her and get her out of the hospital.  Last week they joked about it!!!!  :pissed:   They said, well next time our daughter has a breakdown, we donít want it to be in the middle of winter.

My husband and inlaws laughed! I was dumbfounded. How could they be that insensitive?!?!! Your daughter was in serious pain and luckily her husband had her best interest in mind.  She was very close to making a decision which would mean they would be flying overseas to her funeral, instead of to a hospital!

To make matters worse... Iím a freeze responder. I never said anything to them  :Idunno:

Recovery Journals / Deep Blueís searching for balance journal
« on: September 18, 2018, 09:02:03 PM »
Well, I never thought I would do it, but today I feel I need to begin my own journal.

The last month has had such low lows, that Iíve been feeling very lost. 

(Possible trigger warning: mention of suicide)

Things went south right as the school year started.  A student at my school died by suicide.  I didnít know him well and had only met him a couple times.  I am very very close with his older sister.  The sister graduated last year and was the only graduation party I went to. The sister played soccer for my husbandís team, is my sonís babysitter and she calls me mom.

The day it occured she reached out to me beyond upset.  Who could blame her?  Well I did the best I could, I encouraged her whole family to go to counseling. 

As a teacher, I sometimes say that itís my job to save every kid that walks through my door.  Thatís why I got into the profession.  I needed an adult to step in during my abuse.  Instead I fell through the cracks of the system.  My pain was masked from the world.  My CPTSD gives me an edge on helping others.  Iím sure many are the same way.  I can often read people quickly, especially when they are suffering. 

1.5 days after the suicide, the sister showed up at school.  Long story short I got a counselor to see her immediately.  They walked her out of my room (I was teaching) and she grabbed hold of me and wouldnít let go. She sobbed and I told her itís ok... Iíll see you at the funeral.  They pried her fingers from me and bink! I lost it... 20 minutes erased from my memory.  I was told later that I was escorted to the counselor myself.  I had just sort of snapped.  I had dissociated and wasnít making any sense.

Within a week my grandfather then died of a short but brutal illness.  This happened 2 days before my birthday.

It was the worst birthday I can remember.  My grandmother was in mourning and my husband ditched me to go watch a soccer game on my birthday.  I pleaded with him to be with me, that I was having a tough time. Nope!  I have never felt so let down in my marriage of 5 years.  Anyway, we skipped my birthday, ate leftovers and that was it...

I know itís a rough note to start my first journal but I hope to find balance through this process.

Checking Out / Vacation for a week
« on: August 06, 2018, 11:10:04 PM »
Iím on vacation this week.  I may come and check in once in awhile but probably wonít be saying much. 

Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Nobody takes care of me
« on: July 22, 2018, 07:19:57 PM »
Itís been awhile since I posted anything here but my life has gotten crazy lately.  I just came out of a spell depersonalizing that last about 5 days. Thatís the longest that has ever happened.  :stars:

So what caused it? Thatís what Iím trying to sort out... my dear forum friend pointed out to me that a series of events transpired and finally I had just snapped. 
1.  my husband lost his job,
2.  I was supposed to go on a short vacation with friends and my husband but my friend cancelled while I was in the airport
3.  upon returning home my husband got sick
4. My son got sick after him
5. My step grandfather had been complaining for a month he doesnít feel well... got him checked and itís acute leukemia.  He only has maybe 1 month left
6. Iíve watched my M fall apart over all this

I started napping every day last week beginning Monday.  By Wednesday I told my husband... ďIím not in a good place, all I want to do is sleepĒ.  My husband responded that he had just purchased a snow blower  :blink:

Iím doing a bit better because I am out of that fog of depersonalization as of today.  I am also laying in bed napping again too.

Often my T will check up on me when I go sideways. I havenít heard a peep from her.  Nobody takes care of me.  I unravel and nobody helps me.  Itís like Iím drowning and people just watch.  I have a crushing hole in my chest and feel so alone.

Sorry this post was longer than I intended  :Idunno:

Poetry & Creative Writing / The Roots of Trauma
« on: June 20, 2018, 02:42:30 AM »
Dark are the roots of trauma. It grows from a small seed of doubt and germinates.  It seems easier to lay in the shadows than to risk being trampled on again.  The ground we have grown from is harsh unforgiving and unloving.  We could not see the sun during our trauma.  The only light we had was found within. 

Somehow we managed to grow.  As each ring of our lives developed we became more sturdy.  Even with this stability, came a ripening uneasiness.  We knew how our hope, self esteem and and sanity could be whittled away.

In the past our flowers were plucked.  Our fruit was stolen, and yet we continued to branch out.  The lessons we learned are with us throughout the sprouting of our lives.  A forest has weathered the trauma. Now like the redwood we stand tall. Together we show strength from our pasts.  In our cultivation we seek to recover our hope, self esteem and sanity.  Dark are the roots of trauma, but we have found the light. 

- By: Deep Blue

Poetry & Creative Writing / Panic attacks TW
« on: May 26, 2018, 01:52:55 AM »
Panic attacks

The emotions rise within my chest
They grow in size and will not rest
The choking feeling holds me tight
Itís too late Iíve lost this fight
With each breath the tension builds
Till it has hit its emotional fill
My breath is short and head throbs
Grounding now becomes my job
My tortured nerves recall the pain
With each flash they take past blame
I feel as if I canít take more
And yet the body keeps the score
Breathe out the tension
With each past reflection
My body feels like it is breaking
My stomach and hands wonít stop shaking
The world flexes and starts to bow
At last my surroundings begin to slow
I count down breaths till it finally ends
Please donít let me get one again

- By: Deep Blue

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