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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Adrift in a Sea of Despair
« on: December 08, 2020, 09:08:55 PM »
For while, I've sensed that underneath surface hurts, I'm really alright, even well-off sometimes. Then it all seems like a mirage, and I feel phony for even trying anymore.
I've realize for the umpteenth time that I may have mad what looks like progress towards re-claiming the beauty of life. Except, there's always been one huge block of inside grief/anger/bitterness that I've never been able to budge. I'm in one of those stuck places now; although it comes and goes, this time it almost seems as if it's appeared yet again, this time to reclaim its rightful place.
I'll spare the rhetoric, though. The reason I'm writing here is, as hinted, pure and total desperation that I'll ever feel right about life. It's the sort of cycle where I justve up on myself. It's sort of fraudulent for me to lament my own distress, when so many others need the same. But it's where I'm at.
Mostly what bothers me is this block that won't budge -- when all is said and done, the feeling that I was irreparably damaged at birth -- unwanted, despised, rejected, and ill-treated from there. I can't shake that original flaw.
Yes, I can say things have sometimes improved my overall defeatist attitude, but it always falls apart again. I can't shake the original wound is what it comes down to. My inner terror always resurfaces at this point of hopelessness.
Not to bore you any further, I just felt like letting some of my mood dissipate. But that's always temporary -- soon it collapses again into the repetitive cycle -- I'm no good -- all I have to do is acknowledge that and surrender myself as a lost cause.
I've realize for the umpteenth time that I may have mad what looks like progress towards re-claiming the beauty of life. Except, there's always been one huge block of inside grief/anger/bitterness that I've never been able to budge. I'm in one of those stuck places now; although it comes and goes, this time it almost seems as if it's appeared yet again, this time to reclaim its rightful place.
I'll spare the rhetoric, though. The reason I'm writing here is, as hinted, pure and total desperation that I'll ever feel right about life. It's the sort of cycle where I justve up on myself. It's sort of fraudulent for me to lament my own distress, when so many others need the same. But it's where I'm at.
Mostly what bothers me is this block that won't budge -- when all is said and done, the feeling that I was irreparably damaged at birth -- unwanted, despised, rejected, and ill-treated from there. I can't shake that original flaw.
Yes, I can say things have sometimes improved my overall defeatist attitude, but it always falls apart again. I can't shake the original wound is what it comes down to. My inner terror always resurfaces at this point of hopelessness.
Not to bore you any further, I just felt like letting some of my mood dissipate. But that's always temporary -- soon it collapses again into the repetitive cycle -- I'm no good -- all I have to do is acknowledge that and surrender myself as a lost cause.


