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So, this feels so much to try and get out. But I don't know where else to go. I'm signed off work at the moment, it feels like I've had a complete meltdown.
I decided, and followed through with totally cutting off my FOO. Which is totally the right decision, but that scared little child inside of me can't believe that and cannot cope with this.
I've started antidepressants again, I'm trying to do everything I can to sort it out. But the whole time I feel so anxious on edge, I've spent most of today crying. And I can't believe the people who say I can 'call them anytime' really mean it...I know that's a symptom, but it's a strong one.
I feel so scared, trapped and alone.
I want to go back to work, but I don't know if I'm ready and work aren't being supportive.
My therapist thinks it'll take 3 months or so for this to settle and wants me to avoid stress...how does that happen in real life? Especially when emotional control is one of the things messed up.
I've taught myself to crochet, I'm doing tai chi every day, trying to see friends and keep busy...and at the end of it, it all means nothing, I still hurt just as badly.
I hate this so so much. I'm sorry.

*Possible Trigger*

Posting here because I don't feel I can talk to my family and friends...I'm already worried I've scared one friend away with being too open, and I feel my wife will be disappointed in me.
Last night and tonight I self harmed for the first time in a decade.

Since realising I have cptsd and starting therapy it's like opening a can of worms. I feel so anxious and out of control.

I've been having mild anxiety attacks, only sleeping about 5hrs a night and living in a general state of panic.

I've been trying to meditate a bit and tried to look after myself....but that feels too much at the moment.

So I harmed and for the first time in  weeks I felt calm for a bit...more in control.

I know it's not healthy, and I'm having to hide my leg from my wife...but it's felt like a small bit of respite.

... I was thinking just now, I did this as a teenager as a coping mechanism for what was happening then....that state of panic is what I was feeling then....this is the past feelings isn't it.

Writing this has helped get it out a bit. I didn't even recognise that this is still largely past feelings. How do you do this when the feelings feel so present...they feel like they're attached to work and other stresses, but I'm reacting like teenage me.

I feel so lost.

So yesterday I had my third session with my therapist. It was an incredibly intense session.

An exercise we did brought me right into the feelings of child me, she noted how my body language changed and I just felt so small with this intense weight on my chest.

It was so difficult, but felt positive in a way. I trust her and that she knows how to help me with this. It also felt validating, and made me realise how badly the child inside is still hurting.

Afterwards I went to a friends, I didn't want to go straight home. I felt so weird, difficult to describe. It took most of yesterday to shake off the feeling of being that small child.

I think there's something freeing in the session validating how much the trauma hurt me...but also the feeling that something could be done.

Today I'm seeing my sister, I plan to tell her that I've cut contact with our parents (temporarily at the moment).

Does anyone else find this thing is so up and down? Monday I messed my diary up, Wednesday I had a panic attack and then I couldn't sleep for two nights.

So today I told my parents(I want to call them something else, saying that makes me so uncomfortable) that I need to not have any contact with them at the moment.

I didn't quite want to do it now, but M as usual forced my hand.

They were due to stay in a few weeks. Not to visit, just as we're a convenient stop on their way to somewhere else(2nd time they've done this, and they never visit to just visit).

I've been so angry with them since realising I have cptsd. My emotions are all over the place. So my wife was not sure it was a good idea they stayed (me either). I told them this today and the conversation got forced round to what's going on.

And now I don't have to have any contact with them for at least a few months. Honestly right now I want to cut them out of my life completely.

I feel a sense of relief, combined with gut wrenching fear and shame from the child inside who is still scared and obtusely loyal.

Has anyone else struggled to find a therapist trained in trauma work?
Two I've found don't have any availability.

I've resorted to asking a friend who's a counsellor to help me look for one. Feel like I'm spinning out a bit and I can't start this first step...

Hi,

So coming to terms with cptsd has made me look at the relationships around me. One in particular I struggle with is my relationship with my In-laws.

I worry profoundly what they think of me, I struggle to relax with them or relate with them.

How do I have a relationship with them when I don't know how that relationship should feel. My in-laws are good people, they are good parents.

But realising I have cptsd has made me see how that colours my relationship with them. I'm always on edge and waiting to go home or for them to leave.

I'm also always convinced that they like my brother-in-law more than me, and that I'm not enough, not good enough. This is definitely a cptsd thought.

We're visiting them tomorrow for mothers day (UK) and that day is enough trigger on its own without adding in a pseudo-parental relationship.

I kind of just wanted to voice this, any thoughts of tips greatly received.

Thanks

Hi,
So for a long time I've known that I've struggled with the after effects of my abusive upbringing.
But it's only the last few weeks I have learnt of cptsd.
And it's been a lightbulb moment, reading about it and realising that's me...thats what happened. That's how I feel now.
I'm still so new to this, at 31 I feel like I've finally found something to help me understand myself and my life better.
I've bought Pete Walkers book and have found a counsellor in my area (not plucked up the courage to contact yet).
And in my search I found this forum, thank you for being here.
So hi everyone