and I went.

I mentioned something about this in another thread:
another process-server/bailiff ringed, and as I was walking down the stairs he was already pushing the envelope through the letter box. I nevertheless opened the door, and we actually had a talk, where I spilled my beans! Told him I was a victim of childhood abuse. He was genuinely interested, validated me for getting this far without (professional) psychological help, gave me tips on how at least avoid some costs like: "show up at least, even if you can't pay, tell the story, for at least you will be spared court costs."
I was summoned because I didn’t pay my bills for my health-insurance. Which I don’t, and which I can’t. I’ve been asking for help a lot of times the last couple of years (since the FOG started lifting and I started struggling.) but I have received very little, and inadequate help. For example: when I went into treatment for my alcoholism (basically in order te get it under enough control so I could get psychological help for the underlying causes of my boozing’/numbing out with the help of alcohol), and I worked hard with the program I was enrolled in, I was ‘let off’ after four months and ‘passed on’ to the psychologists, I was told in the closing meeting by the women who had been my counselor: “Before I started this treatment with you I was of the opinion this treatment was not fit for your situation, mr. Uncle.” “WTF!” was my gut reaction, “I’ve been had.”
Something similar, though far less severe happened at the psychologists, where an anxiety disorder was ruled out fast, a SCID-II was offered, no PD detected yet I did score some ‘points’ below the thresholds. So I have developed ’fleas’ and/or dysfunctional coping mechanisms as a result of the abuse inflicted on me. An example of that is that dissociation had been detected.
I stumbled on my SCID-II results today, and one of the (BPD) traits/fleas I have is:
9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms. 
So working through this book is definitely a good choice in my path of recovery.
For clarity sake: I exhibit two of the eight 'traits', threshold for BPD is at least 4/8. Plus than some other criteria, but all that is completely off-topic.
Which is why I have joined the Book Club threads on dissociation.
In the run up to this court date, and in fact in the run up to my previous court-date that was averted at the last moment, I have experienced thoughts like: “I’ll let this happen, and it’s a cry for help of sorts.” Way back in my mind, it might well actual dissociation. Another part of me crying for help as my other parts find it practically speaking impossible to cope, find a job, apply to social security or in any other form secure an income so I can pay my bills.
So this time I did let it come to court-day. Perhaps because this time it’s my health-insurance that is suing me, and part of the problem I keep being stuck in this cPTSD/avoidant/procrastinating limbo is that the ‘advertised’ (mental-)health-care isn’t materializing, no matter how hard I try to seek help as I realize something is awry in my daily functioning.
I was pretty calm that morning. I had a sense of returning or staying in reality. This all IS my reality, even though it sucks. But reality sucks at times. Better face it. Easier said that done!
Another experience I had in the days leading up to this was inspired/trigger by chapter 7 of the book:
One way to start communication is to find common ground i.e. it’s likely that all parts want to get better. Usually all parts can agree with this goal even though they are not likely to agree on how to achieve it in the beginning.
and me and all my parts (a.k.a. “we”

) agreed this was a good step to make. What it would bring is a great unknown, but I need to find help, we can not do it without third parties who are willing and able to aid us.
Scary? You bet. For some parts at least, but other parts felt confident as well. This was also an opportunity to again say, and let it be seen, I
do want help, seek help, have thought help, committed to help offered, and still am struggling and not functioning as should, and more-ever: as I can, as proven at (plenty of) times in the past.
So when it was my time to approach the bench (there was a whole bunch of people who had been summoned to ‘pay up’, some fought the charge, others didn’t. It was quite interesting to be honest. I was very much “there”, not dissociating at all. I think all my parts were there too.) I didn’t ‘fight’ the charge, and when asked: “How come you didn’t/don’t pay?” I told my story. Short. Stated that I needed help, had no control or oversight over my finances, had sought help but never
got adequate help despite my efforts (I did tell the example of the alcoholism-treatment dupe). etc.
Of course the judge couldn’t judge on anything I had to bring to bear, she was there to judge about the financial claims. This was obvious from the start.
But she did gave me an address she thought that might offer me help, or otherwise they might be able to assist me, and she made a remark that somehow made me feel validated: “I’m sure the health-insurance wants you to get the help you need as well.” Which in fact they don’t care for that much. They’re mostly in it for the money, or for somebody at their office would have put 1+1 together and think: “Hmmm, this guy goes into addiction-treatment, then to a psychologist, and after that he gets behind in his payments… something is still wrong there… We have to offer some more help… Clearly there is no ‘division’ at the office that looks into the history of a client when the bills are not getting payed…
But I digress.
So I went to these people the judge suggested. Wrong ‘agency’ (why am I not surprised?) but I was steadfast, and they were actually helpful. They let me ‘get it of my chest’, listened, and game me advice to visit some other ‘social services’. Looked up the nearest office for me, opening hours (very irregular, presumably so they can offer help to anybody: working, schoolmoms (or schooldays

), night workers etc.) and it turned out first opportunity was yesterday afternoon.
I went.
Did my story again (third time in two days. It was getting easy

), insisted on help, got listened to again, taken seriously and they forwarded me (again) but this time not to ‘another agency’, but to another ‘level’ of the care they can provide, and they arranged all that FOR me, instead of me having to take the reigns again. Which clearly is part of the problem for me at the moment: it takes too much energy to keep on taking the reigns and art from scratch time and again.
So I should be called next week (two weeks tops) and then services will come to my aid, and they should be able to provide what I asked for literally: “I need somebody who can take me by the hand at times, and do the (legal)stuff, the paperwork, when I’m not capable. Somebody who can take stuff out of my hands, when I can’t hold anymore in my hands when they are full already.”
So fingers crossed for the times to come.
Court ruling is in 5 weeks, so that’s 5 weeks respite. Ruling will be I have to pay, but lets hope (and trust) things will be in place to tackle that problem then.
For the past two days I have been sleeping much better. Less midnight breaks, and I have been sleeping in to 7:30 two days in a row. Wow.
I also have a lot less urge to booze.
These are all good signs I’ve done “the right thing”.
The right thing for me. The right thing for us.
Thanks for having a place to share this. Having gone NC with practically all of my dysfunctional and
unhelpful abusivet FOO, having lost a good chuck of my support system. Which basically means I only thought they would be part of my support system but it has turned out they aren’t, so I stopped sharing my story with them.
Here’s to help from outside. Both in cyberspace as well as ‘on the ground’.