Topics

Freeze framing a thousand shots
I'm sucked back behind these lenses
I've decided I'm not being what I'm not
Get me back, please, stir my senses.

Why can't these eyes get dewy,
Dried ice is this torturous lack,
Glazed over with fears' freeze only
Get the deicer and stem a crack.

Oh how you and I have been mistaken,
Toughness doesn't equal okayness,
But I know this only when I'm breaking,
So I'm asking, melt this iced up mess.

Hi,

So I've had particularly rough couple of weeks. But I have reflected, pushed and tried different things to see what helps with my the emotions, depression, dissociation. And I felt a real great driving force of knowing my self and what I want to do.

I signed up to a personal trainer which starts tomorrow because exercise is the only thing which helps me get back in my body and helps my mood. And I thought having structure and schedule would help with poor motivation. I thought about going to uni again too, my last two attempts I got ill and ended up in psychiatric hospital.

At the weekend it felt different, I felt stronger. At a place to do these things again.

But now coming away from a psychotherapy appointment I feel crippled by self doubt. Thinking to myself; get real Laura, there will be so many triggers. Too much overload for the brain. You're kidding yourself and not accepting your limitations.

I feel like I want to cancel the PT ing even though I've paid upfront. I don't know who I am sitting writing this or what my motives are for the stuff I do. I feel so awfully broken and lost eight now.

I don't know what part of me to trust. My determination, my doubt, my tears, my history and heightened trigger responses.

Who am I?

What do you guys do when you're in such an emotional crossroads?

I have been using journals to hand write in for many years now, but I suddenly thought this morning, that there is still some sort of shame and secrecy in that. I guess I do sometimes read bits out in therapy sessions but mainly because I worry I'll forget what I really wanted to say once I'm in the room.

But shame is the huge non recovering factor with me. I hide so much. My problems with eating and bulimia oh gosh... I am so shamefully ashamed.

I always thought the main factor to purging was just to relieve uncomfortable feelings in my tummy, and to make room for more bingeing.

But no, now I know I have to stop and learn to sit with, tolerate the feelings of shame. The bullying I received from my F in my body size and the way I ate as a child means I am sooo scared of putting on weight.

I also want and need to be brave enough to sit with those fears in a more healing, compassionate way. If I do put on weight and get fat, I'm still Laura.

Oh gosh this feels so simple yet such a breakthrough! 

After all these long many years.

So today I bought Mrs Doubtfire on DVD because that has always been my favourite film and find it so soothing when my inner child is strong.

I love Robin Williams. So sad he's not here in the world anymore. He had an awful time too.

Anyway, question is;

What is your favourite film(s) for self soothing?

Laura   

Hi there

I know that safe place imagery is meant to be really soothing and compassionate when I'm bombarded and overwhelmed with fear, my inner critic, the idea I need to be be perfect to be safe etc or other heightened  stimuli.

But I have trouble forming one in my mind.

Sort of I don't really know where my ideal place would be, or what my ideal sounds or animals or landscape would be, because I feel so detached from any identity or awareness or who I am and what I like (if that makes sense).

Does anyone have any ideas to help with this?
Thank you!!

[thank you]

Hey,

I'm new here. I am so so grateful I have come across this community. So first, thank you.

I think I'm becoming to realise that the utter pain and terror of C trauma is magnified by not feeling anyone in my life; some professionals, family, friends understand the crippling life, trauma will bring at times.

I hope these forums and people here help me cope with my distress better. I'm pretty sure they will.

Thanks again.