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I love the cuddly comfort in this one. It's almost like he is self-soothing.

This is an oldie, but goodie... still among my favorite positive and hopeful art pieces.

Colored pencil finished a couple of months ago -- local setting in WNC forest -- I love this one so much. I feel so free and alive - like I can breathe in deep when I see this.

Day 10.

It has been 10 days since he walked out, hurting and confused as well as angry. I was so sure it was his Borderline that did the damage, never imagining it could be my fault too. I was so convinced he was to blame. But my calm detachment was not normal. I stared out the door, and his packing didn't even move me. I just stared... he was thousands of miles from me. Just sitting and zoning out - I felt nothing but a sense of resignation. It took almost 5 days to cry or feel anything. He asked me to see someone for help before he would talk to me. REALLY? I mean really? Isn't BPD worse than PTSD? So he was the problem - it had to be him. I am not angry, just traumatized, right?

I have learned so much since this morning. CPTSD is good at hiding inside and masking EF rages behind justification, righting wrongs or overturning injustice. Being marinated in trauma makes it okay to say outright how you see things - no matter how hurtful, right? "We're not gonna take it anymore" plays in my head...  Wait a minute. Is his voice quivering? Is he hurt? Who hurt him? It would NEVER be me. I am keeping his heart safe, and I love him completely. Is that voice coming out of me? The dead-pan one... the one saying those things that I feel, but won't normally speak. What JUST HAPPENED??!? I would never... Oh yeah. The inner critic. The one who evicerates me inside my head on a regular basis. It now has turned on my lover. No patience, no tolerance, no allowance for his pain/anger or feelings. Only rigidity. Absence of mercy... brimming with cold indifference. This must end. This critical voice needs to die once and for all time. The battle has begun.

First of all... I am very sorry that you all have reason to be here... but at the same time, it is highly relieving to know that I am not alone.

I must admit I am kind of puzzled in where I belong in this place, but because the trauma began in early childhood and then built up from there with layers and layers of adult trauma. 

As for a safe and 'positive' introduction... I live deep in the blue ridge mountains where there are more trees than buildings, more greens than grays, with magnificent sky paintings and sculptured horizons fringed in bird song, rustling leaves and the sound of water tripping over stones on its way down the slopes. This place is the best medicine for my soul and I don't have to say a word. I am afraid to leave now that I have found this magical place. I am an artist, I draw things that calm me and comfort me. I work from home as a graphic designer and illustrator. Three of my five children live fairly close by. I am married to a man who shares my pain... he has Borderline Personality Disorder. We cling to each other and try to ride out each others emotional roller coaster ride. It is very hard at times -- but we really have been able to find a place to make a safe world for ourselves. Two broken people trying to soothe each other's pain, and sometimes stepping on each others triggers instead. My anger and emotionally distancing triggers his BPD.

In coming here, maybe I can find a way to not step on his heart so much. I am tired of hurting in silence and not being able to find words that aren't dismissed or misunderstood.

Thank you in advance for any help and support you might have... and I promise to try my best to be a source of patient and kind support.