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Topics - Sasha

#1
Inner Child Work / Is this parts work?
March 05, 2024, 10:03:39 PM
I've just finished 6 therapy sessions I had with a good therapist, paid for by an old work place. I only was allowed 6 - wish it could have been more.

I mentioned parts to her and she asked if I know a lot about Internal Family Systems. I said I know a little bit but not loads. She gave me some resources to learn more.

After a really heavy emotional day with lots of triggers and processing, I craved pizza tonight. These days I don't usually eat stuff like that, mostly eat quite healthy. And don't tend to get takeaways on my own.

I realised it is a part of me that connects with food as love. In childhood my parents, despite all their hostility and dysfunction, would lavish us with attention through big family meals out. Pizza. Curries. All sorts.

For years this created an unhealthy relationship with food (along with many other food, body weight and image related issues they instilled in me) and so I today felt myself a bit wary that I was going towards the pizza place.

I asked myself... what is this part needing, how is it feeling, and how can I communicate with it?

The answer is that she's quite young, and food is very pleasurable for her and does feel like affection and care. And she likes feeling very full up, and distracted by the food pleasure.

I said, okay, we'll go get pizza. But a small one. No we won't get ice-cream as well, otherwise we'll feel sick however we can have sugar-free fizzy soda. She was okay with that, and off we went.

I got the pizza and was going to go home but I live near the sea and decided to drive myself down to the beach to have a little pizza date with me and my inner part, a childlike part.

After 3 pieces and a few sips I was completely full. Very different from in the past when I think I would have eaten it all and pushed past the feeling of being comfortably full, "stuffing" myself.

I couldn't eat another bite. I packed up and went home.

Somehow, this felt pretty cool. The whole thing. The communication with the part, the negotiation, the compromise and the feeling of change in my behaviour and response to what the part desired.

If this is parts work, what can I do next and how can I make further progress with it?

 :grouphug:

I was given minimal resources by the therapist and advised that I should try to check the validity of info on IFS as she said it can go into some areas that are potentially harmful.

Anyone know what she meant by this?

I'm feeling a bit cautious to google it tbh!
#2
I just sent this to the counsellor I've been working with and feel really proud of myself for advocating for myself and my needs. Wanted to share

—————————————————

Dear XXXX,

I am writing to let you know that I wish to finish our sessions together. As someone who has experience trauma over prolonged periods I am keen to work with a therapy treatment that focuses more specifically on this.

Recently we had a session where you asked me about CPTSD and what it means, and I found this frustrating. At this stage in my journey I am seeking to open up in a space with a practitioner understands more about trauma and it's effects (CPTSD / PTSD) than I do, so that I can learn more about this from them. It was very hard to stop working with [Previous therapist ] as she seemed to have a strong understanding of this. I did re-specify to [Service] this before we were introduced, and therefore I am sorry if you were put in a position where maybe you did not know how specific I had been in requesting this.

In case it helps to explain more, the effect of experiencing trauma in my early and adult life has been relentless and exhausting and as I seek healing I feel I have no more energy to explain or justify this. My main aim at this point is to work only with trauma-centred therapies so that I can get to the heart of how toast adverse experiences unfortunately continue to manifest in my present life as flashbacks, negative mental health and physical symptoms, resulting in very 'bad' days and sometimes weeks on end where I struggle to operate at a functional level. 

There is a free service in XXXX that provides EMDR therapy and I have self-referred to this, with a phone assessment on Monday. I am uncertain of the waiting time for treatment to start, that is if I am accepted.

If you would like to have one or two final sessions together to discuss any of this and to say farewell I would like that as I have enjoyed meeting and working with you, and find you a lovely person to open up to and explore with.

Best wishes
#3
My little girl. How can I give her the things she needs to feel secure, safe, wanted and for her to rest within this security?

Things we can start to do or do more:

Making music
We have always loved playing musical instruments and singing. It turned into a career for us (despite wanting to be a teacher or politician!) and the nature of this joy morphed into work, validation, new pressures. Years ago I stopped the gig hunt and decided to focus on a new career. Now I have made the space and enviroment for us to relate to music with joy and playfulness again. It means unblocking that feeling of pressure, but my adult self can keep working on this to give my inner child what she loves.

Drawing and painting
She adored drawing, painting and colouring in. It was her escape. She would find a spot and settle for hours, bringing colour to pages and pages. She carried on drawing in our teenage years, and a few years ago I picked it up in the form of illustration. It felt like a great way to journal and I drew how I felt, which was a great release. I put it down again but I can give this to her again now. It has always a private, peaceful and safe place for us.

Bubble baths!
It is odd to admit this, but baths scare us a bit. We never had one, and in adverse overcrowded conditions privacy and private bathroom time was not available. For some years now we have been finding baths are lovely when we have them. We like to fill them up with so many bubbles and put a movie on. We would quite like to get some bath toys, so we can enjoy this time even more and allow us to feel safe, private and relaxed as we clean and unwind in a secure space.

Reading
She used to read and read and read. It was life, it was everything. I miss that feeling. Somewhere along the way life became urgent and books became slow. Screens have lulled us into another mode, but the books are so grounding and we love to smell them and hold them in our hands, and fall asleep with them on us. I want to give that to her again.

Things I am already doing and will keep doing:

Story time
Me and my inner child love soft stories like the story tape ones we fell asleep to years ago, The Fire Bird, Lorna Doone, The Secret Garden. I have an app on my phone that plays sleep stories. I LOVE IT!

Rain sounds
The same app plays rains and other textural and natural sounds. It's called Calm.... It reminds us of when we went camping, and when we slept in the back of dads van, cosy in blankets amongst wood and tools, coming back from the woods. Ah, I just went there. I love my dad. I wish we had had more of him.

Gentle movies
Period dramas, disney, rom coms... We like to feel and see love, laughter and hope. We love the skill and colour, vibrancy and being taken on a journey, when we can relax and explore someone elses world. It is a restful place for us.

What things do you do?
#4
I have been circling around and around. I have wanted others to feel the way I feel, since I was very young. I didn't want my life, I wanted to be someone else. As a young child I wanted to be rescued. I knew it was wrong, and it never went away. No-one came.

But someone did come. I did. All the time, I came and I showed up. I advocated for myself throughout childhood, I kept myself as safe as I could and I made good friends, and developed bonds with great people that helped me and who I am still good friends with. Through all the pain and trauma and hurt I battled to be a good person, and I chose paths that aligned with my truth. I am proud to have worked personally and professionally to help others. I still do.

Boundaries and needs that I could never hear have now been identified and found, unearthed and built through reading, learning, talking, seeking help, having faith and following the belief that things can be better. I went to libraries and sat reading through psychology books. I decided to pay for therapy. I joined this forum. I moved to a new place and made myself a home with animals who love me and who I love, with plants and safety and comfort.

I tried my very best, at every turn, and I still do. Despite setbacks and more pain, I have worked again and again to find resolve. I am resilient and it is paying off. Sitting here now I feel safe in my own presence. I hold all of this and I want to be who I am. There is still regular pain, and it frightens me, but I feel so proud of who I am and how I handle this.

Years ago in a haze of trauma response with so many tears I could barely see to walk down the road, I took a left turn into a tattoo shop. I knew that I could no longer carry on worshipping the bold bright functioning self and despising the scared traumatised self, and I marked it on my body that my strengths and my weaknesses are equal, they both need my love. The strong in me must help the weak in me. I have two love hearts tattoed, one on each wrist.

I realised my inner child. I committed to loving her and I will never break that commitment. She is beautiful and she is so worthy of my love. She is my child, my responsibility. I will never abandon her. I will show up for her forever and ever and ever. She is the centre of my world. I will play with her and listen to what she needs, I will make it so she can rest. She will know that I have her, always have, always will.

Where I have sought the parents I never had in friends, lovers, partners, I now allow myself to grieve. I have provided the safety for me to do so. This is the truth. This is the aloneness that was real, that often feels so painful, and this is my work. I will not give this to anyone to fix or solve, or rescue. I will hold this, for my child, I will direct towards the truth and not look to others to become something that cannot be.

When I feel abandoned and swallowed in lonely dispair I will come for me again, I will show up. Every time. I will for eternity soothe the loneliness and pain. I always have had and always will have my self. My loving, strong, resilient, resourceful, brave, kind, truthful, wise self. 

Thank you for reading  :grouphug:
#5
I did an online test as feel like I want to work out my attachment style. Reoccurring problems with my partner seem to me like they could be due to us having different styles.

The results are:
35% anxious preoccupied
29% secure
29% fearful avoidant
6% dismissive avoidant

What on earth does this mean?

How can I be all of these at the same time?

Baffled!
#6
My partner wanted time to himself. This triggered me. I have neglect and abandonment trauma from childhood. The trauma response was and still is strong.

I tried to deal with it and focus on the present world, that my partner needs time for his own mental health, but a day extra got added on to our time apart when I wasn't expecting it.

I feel like I have fallen into a severe depression and ongoing trauma response state. I can't feel warmth or love. I feel everything has ended, is ending and it's just happening in slow motion.

My partner is frustrated and hurt, because I can't recognise him. He keeps telling me that what I am experiencing isn't real, that 'everything is ok' and I feel angrier and angrier, and like I'm going insane, because it feels real to me. I feel like he is gone, like he left me, and I feel dead inside.

I can't stop crying and I haven't been looking after myself very well this week. I feel frightened and out of control. I also can't advise my partner what to do at the moment. I feel very lost.
#7
General Discussion / If not my parent... who are others?
February 23, 2020, 11:21:18 AM
This might sound like such an odd question, but I feel muddled over the past few days, trying to understand who other people are in my life to me and in context to my healing and journey of recovery.

My therapist said to me last week that I may need to grieve for the loss of a parent that I didn't have, as well as a childhood I didn't have (Maybe that is why I've felt so incredibly rubbish all week) and with this has come a sense of disorientation in my understanding of the people around me.

For instance, if I grieve the loss of parent in my life then who, or what, is a partner - if not a rescuer, or a fixer or a 'parent'?

Being blurred on this before now might explain why I have had problems in long term relationships, when I start to trigger and everything becomes incredibly convoluted and unclear between me and a partner. Maybe I am seeking a parent? Therefore unresolved grief gets worked out via the partner, which suddenly seems so unfair on them and also impossible.

And friends. I have sought a level of nurture at times that could also be me seeking parenting, and I am aware that people have at times stopped messaging back, probably because the need is overwhelming. I do feel embarrassed to admit that, although, I can understand why I would have done this and I feel compassion for myself as someone throughout life looking for a family and parenting.

However, in accepting the lack of parent, it means there is so much room for new types of relationships, and possibly protecting my relationships from that pressured dynamic and 'narrative resolution role play'...

I'd be really interested to hear other people's views on what they see as a healthy relationship with a partner, a friend and maybe even a therapist.

And does anyone else have experience of this kind of mental shift, in regards to how grieving having a parent can redefine relationships?
#8
General Discussion / Herbal remedies
February 21, 2020, 01:34:46 PM
Hi all. I’m wondering whether anyone does or has successfully use herbal and natural remedies to manage their CPTSD symptoms? If so, please can you tell me what you use and what symptoms they help?

Last night, on day 3 of major symptoms following a trigger and concurrent breakdown of functioning, I drank a herb tea mix with: Passion flower, lime flower and chamomile. It seemed to take the edge off and I felt relaxed afterwards, and pleasantly sleepy. Which makes a change from the twitchy overtired kind of exhausted I’ve been for days.

I used to make herb tea mixtures years ago, and am going to go to the herb shop later to buy some ingredients.

Am thinking to create specific treatment strategies for the different stages of my trauma response symptoms:

• shock (straight after trigger)
• dissociation, disorientation, de-realisation
• confusion and cognitive fogginess
• exhaustion and over-tiredness
• hyper-vigilance and anxiety
• tension headaches and occular migraines
• aching body (usually from where I’ve been hunched up and very still for days)

Sending my thoughts to everyone affected by trauma x
#9
Today I have thought that I go into a regressed state when I get triggered. I can’t pinpoint how old I am, and don’t know how I would work this out tbh, as I don’t actually remember feeling this extreme state of despondency very much when I was younger, despite experiencing trauma from 0-18yrs old (plus into adulthood). I guess I was a good problem solver, and was also busy caring for and parenting others.

It’s like the re-experiencing of trauma in adulthood causes a reaction where I can quite suddenly no longer make all my (forced) self-parent choices. I lose my self-parent. Today I felt clearly that I lose my autonomy.

I have to wait for quite a while as I tend to extreme basics, sometimes over days very slowly, before I regain my autonomous, skilled self-parent.

In intimate relationships, people who address this regressed state in a parental way have been very soothing for me. I struggle to identify my needs, even my need for food and water becomes distorted. I usually can’t make choices and decisions and don’t know how I feel. A lot of thoughts swim around and I feel stuck, frozen and frightened.

I have a few friends who have laid me down with a blanket, given me water and told me to rest. Some have helped me with basic tasks, tidying or making me food. I find this so incredibly healing.

Is it unhealthy to feel so helped by this, and to want this sort of help?
#10
General Discussion / PTSD as well?
January 08, 2020, 08:41:30 PM
In my recover I am wondering... Is it worth exploring whether I have PTSD from recent trauma in last two years, experiencing violence and threat as an adult, as well as CPTSD from childhood events?

Does anyone have experience of or any information about the co-occurring and how fresh trauma can impact CPTSD?
#11
Eating Issues / Overeating
November 09, 2019, 06:29:26 PM
I got to a better place with food and lost weight in the last year. Felt really good.

Things have been hard recently and I am eating so much. I don't like feeling so out of control. It is clearly an attempt to feel in control, to put something into me that I know will taste a certain way. "Food never lets me down". There's a whole heap of stuff.

But it is letting me down. It's not making me feel better. It is a fallacy. And I feel bloated and have put on about 1.5 stone, undoing my hard work.

I just want to feel better  :fallingbricks:
#12
Successes, Progress? / Gentle ideas for celebrating?
November 09, 2019, 12:48:30 PM
Hi all,

I have had some very good news as I have accepted a new job that I am very excited about. It comes during a difficut patch... I am amazed that I attended the interview! And then to get the job... well, I feel chuffed.

I also feel vulnerable, as the tricky time and symptoms are still very real.

Do people have ideas of how I could celebrate that are safe, stable, secure, peaceful, caring, gentle and restorative?

I would love to hear anyone's thoughts!

Thank you,
Sasha

:fireworks:
#13
NC/LC... how do I know if this is the right thing when a family member is incredibly mentally ill? They have extreme mania and psychosis. They have been aggressive and violent to me and others. They are currently trying to get help. Two other family members have gone NC with this person. How do I know what the right thing to do is? They are so ill. I feel fear and do not want to be harmed, or have my life destabilised, but I feel guilt as they need treatment and I have been advocating for them for many years, only recently stopping. Do I stop for good? Do I walk away for good? Or go LC? If so... How?
#14
The Cafe / I am enjoying dreaming
November 01, 2019, 08:14:42 PM
I find myself dreaming more as I progress in my recovery. Feel like the dreaming is just the warmest feeling, and is such a beautiful thing. My favourite dreams are free from the inner critic and outer critic, and often directly defy their messages.

I dream about having a garden, and growing rose and flowers.

I dream about being old and having grandchildren.

I dream about having a child one day.

I dream about owning a house.

I dream about working in a supportive job doing something I love.
#15
Recovery Journals / Sasha is not my real name
November 01, 2019, 05:22:26 PM
Starting a new journal.

Today has been tiring. I have emailed six therapists in my area, had a phone assessment and subsequent rejection for short-term counselling, and redirected back to doctor. Obviously  :thumbup:

What do I want? Peace
When do I want it? Um... now?

Have some aches and pains, physical symptoms maybe. Cognition has been foggy. Couldn't quite see earlier. Managed to get some work done though!

Phone assessor said, what is one word to describe your mum when you were younger? I said 'depressed'. And the word to describe my dad was 'drunk'.

Have cancelled plans tonight. Need to rest.
#16
Employment / Advice plz: How to respond to this...
October 14, 2019, 11:35:25 AM
I work part time in a cafe. No one has a contract, everyone is ‘self-employed’. It is a stop gap for me but I have been enjoying it, and felt very friendly with the staff, including the manager, who is also not on a contract and works on the same terms as us.

Recently we have been discussing deeper things and a couple of weeks I spent the best part of one of my days off responding to texts from the manager as she was worried about a the well-being of a member of staff. Things at work had felt safe and caring, with all staff, and I have never felt that any staff member wouldn’t help another out or would complain if someone was sick and they had to cover. I know I wouldn’t!

This week I’ve had one of my worst CPTSD times in a while, and have been in and out of EF’s that have lasted days, with migraines, dissociation and disorientation. I cancelled work last Thursday, early in the morning, and the manager said she could cover. Yesterday I was due to go in and was trying to get ready however I was in the midst of a flashback, was crying, could barely see and operate let alone think clearly. My partner said I shouldn’t go in, and not to worry as my health takes priority and he called the manager and told her I was sick.

Later in the evening, after a lot of rest, I felt better and I sent a text to explain. This is the text I sent, and then this morning I got the response that follows:

From me:
“Hey [manager name], I'm sorry about today. I hope it was manageable and sorry for the inconvenience caused. I don't know how much to say but I have PTSD. It doesn't flare up too often but when it does it really kicks the * out of me. Has been going on all week, have had to cancel a lot of other work not just [cafe name], and today I was preparing to come in, but was in such a bad way that my partner thought it best I stay home and he called you. Hope you can understand, and hopefully I'll be a lot better tomorrow and in time for Wednesday, as resting today has certainly helped. Sorry again, and I hope you're okay as understand you had a lot going on yourself last week. Best, x”

Reply from the manager:
“I do understand, but really it was too late to be calling in, that decision needed to have been made before then (and on Thursday too). I was meant to be finishing early and had made plans. So [staff name] has to cover short notice again, and I was late with what I was meant to be doing. Everyone gets ill and has stuff going on, I get that. But calling in sick needs to be done with as much notice as possible when we're such a small team and you're relied on to be here so we can be open
You're meant to be working Thursday, not Wednesday, are you able to do that?”

I feel a lot of things about this response, and I am unsure of what to do next. Here are some of the emotions and feelings I can place:

• Anger with myself that I have disclosed information about having a serious condition to someone who seems to have shown very little empathy or understanding.

• Upset at being spoken to like this after I have sent a follow up text to apologise and explain. I am a manager myself in my other part time job and I would NEVER speak to a staff member in this way. Ever!

• Anger that managers speak to staff like this so regularly. I cannot stand it and I won’t stay in a workplace where the consideration I extend to others is not shown to me.

• Worried as I feel I can’t work here anymore, and need to find new work. Again.

• Worried that I have told this person private information and I do not feel like I can trust this person to respect me personally now, due to their reaction, which I find aggressive and quite cold.

• Wary that this person may have little actual control over their staff and their own role due to lack of contracts, and therefore this way of behaving maybe an attempt to control their surroundings. I don’t like feeling controlled.

• Disbelief at the level of inconvenience that the manager has described. I know that sickness and cancellation causes issues however I also know that the staff member who covered has been keen for more hours and I am so sure that if that staff member knew that I was sick they would not be upset to cancel.

• Worried to go in to work again. Following a heavy week I don’t want to be spoken to or treated like this.

It’s been over over two hours since I read the reply. I have crafted a few responses but decided to delete them and sit on it, as they are way too empathetic and understanding, and apologetic. I realised I felt anxious upset and then I decided to get in touch with my feelings and write to you guys here.

Mainly right now I feel like I want to text her back asking her to consider her tone and the way she is speaking to me. I actually feel quite furious at this way of being treated after such a disclosure, and I feel like I want to alert her to her position of responsibility. That probably won’t work, or may create more drama, as she is clearly already stressed.

In the mean time I feel like I should apply for new jobs where I could be safer working in jobs where sickness policy is clear and where there is a work culture of empathy and progressive practice around mental health.

After such a horrible week this really is a foul thing to experience. I just wish people would think more and be kinder, especially when it is needed most. I don’t want to have to defend myself, or take someone’s scolding tone on top of dealing with everything else. It makes me feel so angry and upset to have to deal with this right now.

Any advice welcome! Thank you in advance.

Best, Sasha x
#17
Parenting / Preparing for parenthood
October 13, 2019, 04:21:58 PM
I'd like to have children, and I think I will, but I feel so frightened.

I'm frightened of pregnancy and the hormones changing my body and mind in ways that I will find destabilising, as I have worked hard to feel more control over these domains.

I'm frightened if a pregnancy doesn't go well I will fall apart. Early in my adult life I had a terminations where I wanted to keep the baby but was influenced to abort by an angry ex-partner. I felt like I killed my child and the guilt and pain of this, combined with raging confused hormones, brought on OCD, intrusive thoughts and my first major EFs, leading me to feel suicidal and to take almost a year out of work. I'm grateful now as they would have been born into a real mess.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to look after myself when I am a parent, and that lack of sleep and increased stress will cause me to relapse.

I'm frightened I will feel jealous at seeing my partner nurture our baby, and will want his attention all to myself.

I'm frightened that I won't be able to love my baby, won't feel attached and will panic at the attachment needs they have.

I'm frightened at the idea that stress might cause me to lash out, shout, hit and behave in the ways my mother did.

I feel frightened that certain members of my family will believe that they are entitled to be involved in my children's lives, and that there will be violence and pain if they are.

I'm frightened that I'll end up alone with children if my partner dies or leaves me, and I won't know how to cope alone.

I'm frightened that I'll lose my mind, irreparably, and no one will be able to help me.

On the other hand...

I'd like to have children, I think I will, and I feel so excited.

I feel excited to create a family with my beautiful partner, and to bring the joy of  new children into his loving and supportive family.

I feel excited to raise children of my own, with caring values, love and support from me, my partner, my dear friends and my partners family.

I feel excited to immerse myself in motherhood, to devote myself to my children and all that they are and will be.

I feel like excited to play with them, to be creative, have fun and my inner child feels so very excited about this too.

I feel excited to teach them about the world, to talk with them and hear their voices, see their many expressions, and learn their personalities.

I feel excited to encourage all of their development, to the best that I can, being on time, consistent, supportive, practical and humorous.

I feel excited to hold a warm little bundle of new life in my arms, close to my chest, and breathe in my baby's smell

I feel excited to cuddle with my partner and our baby, safe and warm, singing lullabies together.

I feel excited to be pregnant and to feel my close friends and community's love and care for me

I feel excited to meet other mums and join a whole new community, a whole new life, a new stage in my life existence.

I feel excited knowing that I will do everything - every damn thing - in my power to ensure that the top list of things that frighten me do not occur, and if they do I will do everything I can to make things well, to bring peace, and calm, love, stability and support into my children and my family's lives.

I am excited to learn what strong stuff I am really made of <3
#18
Hello to anyone who is reading this, and thank you for being here and for hearing me. It just means so much.

Recently I have been feeling safe and supported enough to do more grounding work when triggered, and I have been 'angering' - directing feelings of shame, fear and loathing towards my abusers, allowing myself  to feel more fully the pain of the abuse.

It hurts. It hurts so much. Like... a monster inside me eating me, and there is a little girl who I can't help. I feel so helpless. Tears are in heavy flow as I write this.

And that is where I am at the moment. I feel like I have made some sort of progress, I am proud that I can feel and connect more with this original pain, and am beginning to be able to distinguish this from current life, hopefully resulting in a more stable present as I project less, and direct my emotions in the correct direction. Also! Thwarting the inner and our critic! This is a success. Wow, okay writing this I can feel that I am making progress in this area...

I do feel like I am getting stuck, however, in the grief. The fear I feel when I allow myself to connect with my child is paralysing. There is that sentiment... "the worst of the abuse has happened, you are an adult now ".... However I just can't connect with it. There is a stage that I need to get to, because through angering and connecting to the feelings of pain, I am becoming immersed in full blown flashbacks without much of a ladder, or the tools, to soothe my child, or to climb out.

Thus, I am on the fifth day of a very full on series of symptoms, including body dissociation, migraines, brain fog, alienation, disorientation and depression, following an abandonment trigger. False alarm, but one that caused a big mess. I love my partner very much and any thought of The End sends me into a huge spin.

Last night he came to be with me, as he has every night, because despite my outer and inner critics attempts to isolate and shame me, I reached out to him, in trust, and he was there and still is here. Thanks be to those who support us through the roughest times xxx

Yesterday I wanted to rip up or hide pictures of myself as a child. I realised I have so many staring at me in my flat, there must be something in that? They were triggering such grief and pain.

I felt nauseous, swirling disgust and pain in my stomach. Absolutely terrified, dropping from numb blank into pain, crying and anguish. My partner supported me through this. I thought it would never end but it did subside after some time.

Today I still feel the grips. I am on the brink of tears, and still have an ache in my stomach area. Is it grief? Or disgust? Or pain?

What can I do to help myself and my child?

Many thanks, your responses mean a great deal to me.

Sasha x
#19
Watching TV two comedians joke about wether you tell someone if they have bad breath. My boyfriend asks me if I would tell someone. I don't wanna make it all about my abusive past so I skip past the details about my mum and brother bullying me when very young about my breath (feel so much shame even thinking about it) and say that I would find it so difficult to hear that I had bad breath. Boyfriend goes on to subtly tell me that recently my breath has been a little stale. I asked if he was saying I had bad breath? He said not normally, just recently and wondered whether it was my chance in diet or something. I felt quite incredulous at first as I'd just told him how difficult this would be. I can't even remember what order things went in after that, but I told him about my past and felt very upset. He said sorry as he feels he's out his foot in it again, as this came just a very difficult few days of CPTSD symptoms rising up.

I tried to brush it off despite the absolute swelling feelings of shame, humiliation and self-loathing that erupted but when he went out I just put my head in my hands and cried. Felt like I needed a break from any comments, interpersonal dynamics and especially criticism. Felt like I'd rewatched tipping point. Plucked up the courage to say that I needed to go stay away for the night and explained why. I feel proud that I could do that, as that's huge progress for me.

Turns out I couldn't stay away that night (maintenance problems at my flat) and he picked me up. In the shower at his I cried and cried and cried and realised I just felt so damn overwhelmed and simply... stressed out to the max. I decided not to put a name on it. Just stress. Inner critic overload. Brain meltdown. Pure stress. I shared this process with him and he comforted me, again - huge progress for me as I desperately try to thwart the inner and outer critics attempts to isolate me and ruin my relationships. Hard work, eh?

Since then, despite things feeling less stressful, I just can't get past this feeling that my breath is awful. I mean, I brush at least twice a day, more if I've eaten spicy food, and if I'm going out etc. He suggested it might be since staying at his and using a different much lighter more natural aloe toothpaste (been staying here for 2 weeks so far, due to maintenance problems at my place -  first time living together).

Despite the logic, and despite trying my hardest to up my breath control by brushing extra and chewing gum I feel so scared to put my face near his. I am having trouble kissing, even as sleeping I kept worrying about my breath. It's affecting me, him and us. I'm being honest about it, and have explained what's going on for me as much as I have here.

He says it wasn't even that bad, he feels so stupid for even saying anything. This morning I woke up and just couldn't do it, couldn't kiss, couldn't connect, despite Being able to last night. I mentioned it was bothering me again and he tried to reassure me, but I just went a bit spaced out and starting having a couple of flashbacks, to a teacher keeping me behind class and kindly talking to me about my personal hygiene and appearance, and a family friend who did similar, helping me understand menstrual hygiene, both indicators that I wasn't being very well cared for.

My tried to pin me down and kiss me just now and I just burst into tears, pulling my head away from him and feeling that I just can't bear the thought of him disliking my smell.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get past it. To become obsessive about my breath feels too much, as it combines with shame. To leave it feels too much, as it leads me to feel like I'm just a dirty filthy thing. I feel so gross. I can't smell anything bad but my mouth just feels alien to me since the comments. I'm hating my own body and feel at war with my self. I have been trying to reflect my critical thoughts back towards my original abusers and this mainly results in a lot of crying. Helpful in some ways, but quite tiring and also not helping me move past this specific thing which has real current presence.

Is there a way I can normalise these comments, this situation, and guide myself through this?
#20
I am actively dating and am noticing a number of triggers and hyper vigilant reactions.

I am using dating apps, occasionally moving into texting and very occasionally meeting someone if it feels okay.

I feel very cautious of certain things:
• overfamiliarity
• pushing boundaries
• critical sarcasm (not the light kind)
• gaslighting

Last weekend I went on a date with someone who went to, in a fairly light hearted moment, ‘shush’ me by putting his finger towards me lips. I triggered hard as one of my trauma is repeated face slaps and I have troubles with hands around my face.

I told him not to do that to me again, and from my reaction he knew to say sorry. But I dissociated and spent 5-10 minutes struggling to keep track of what he was saying or making conversation. I felt like I don’t know this person and they have also freaked me out (inadvertently)  so I don’t feel safe to disclose what is going on. So I ploughed through, and then when I was feeling a bit more with it and after I felt like he had been supportive and that signs of danger had passed. I explained that I have a history of trauma and that t makes my brain go a bit slow when something triggers me. He was very understanding but I felt like I had to explain due to my behaviour change.

Anyway, he wasn’t right for me in other ways and it has made me think that maybe anyone who reaches out to touch me without knowing me will not be right for me? And maybe that’s okay? I am sure there are loads of guys who just wouldnt do that? I mean, shushing someone is quite arraigning anyway, right?

He was also suggestive about his sexual preferences and I noticed that when he said he liked being ‘dominant’ I felt very triggered. At this point I said I needed to go and I did leave the date, feeling terrible as I was very unsure if I was overreacting or not. It felt very forward for me.

Needless to say, I am not seeing him again. And I said a firm ‘not for me, take care’ etc by text.

Next up, tonight, I was talking to someone over WhatsApp who I haven’t met yet who seemed cool, until he made a joke that it seemed like I was ‘really into him’ coz I asked him about his work. I felt pretty stupid so I backed up and said ‘okay cool, i guess we can talk more when we meet on Saturday. Gonna go to bed now, night!’ and left the conversation to talk to another friend.

He sent me a message moments later challenging that I was still online. My friend said his could be flirty, but I reacted badly and felt affronted, maybe triggered as I have had controlling people monitor me in the past. I gave him a bit of assertive banter back and he got a bit more sarcastic and bantery  with me, and I felt really high alert.

In the end I called him out on all of it and told him what I had found uncomfortable. He apologised by my back feels put up. I felt in my gut that this doesn’t feel safe, but he kept saying that stuff gets lost in translation. He also said ‘but I put a cheeky monkey face’ and I felt like this was huge denial that he was being controlling over that message.

Anyway. My question here is around whether to trust my intuition? Or is my intuition screwed up? How can I tell the difference?

There are definitely people who don’t make me feel like this so perhaps this is the thing... perhaps these people who trigger me aren’t evil or anything too extreme, but perhaps they just aren’t right for me? Like, the banter and humour just doesn’t match up?

Just trying to work it out ....