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Hi everyone,

So i've had nightmares all my life due to my cptsd. They're usually about my abusers, and recently they've been about a certain Theme that plagues me. My inner critic, my inner child, my hyper-vigilance, they all work together to weave the most distressing nightmares that I find it hard to go to sleep. It's really getting me down. I've just taken a good look at myself in the mirror and there are dark semi-circles forming under my eyes.

With my new job, i work from 7.30am to 4.30pm so it's an extremely early start for me. I've been trying to up my hours of sleep by being in bed by 9, but it doesn't help. I don't think it's the number of hours of sleep, it's the quality of sleep. These nightmares have me feeling in a constantly low mood and i am honestly so exhausted.

The battle rages on in my emotional state, guys. I feel better typing it out here, but i'd honestly like to hear from you guys. Do you still get nightmares? How do you cope? and if you're as exhausted as me, i give you everything i can to soothe you i am so tired...


All my love,
Roe.

p.s. feel free to move this thread to wherever it will be a better fit for, I just put it under general symptoms because i didn't know what else to do. Sorry

Hi Everyone,

Yes i know i posted my introduction here already, but i was wondering...

What are some of your Must See Posts?

Link them here (if you want), and I'll definitely go and have a gander

1. i'm curious as to what people are interested in
2. i want to expose myself to as much of the forum as possible
3. it'll be a good way to get newcomers such as myself to get around by being shown around by more experienced members


can't wait to see your recommendations


All my love,
Roe

MILD TW.

Hi Everyone,

So i've not actually been medically diagnosed with c-ptsd which makes me feel extremely unworthy of help. I have, however, been to counselling for a year with a very good child abuse trauma counsellor. One of the interesting points of conversation i had with her (which is a lighter topic, in my sessions), is how i have developed certain... traits? from my abuse.
I don't know if any of these are real symptoms per se, but i like to think of them as my ptsd-related-Quirks. So i'll refer to them as Quirks in my post.

For example, (this is my most embarrassing Quirk so i'll start with this) I get an EF and then i make a weird humming noise to quickly snap back into reality. So people think i'm weird because i'm staring into space for a few minutes and then suddenly a loud "HMM" and i snap back into the present. I didn't know about EF's as a child so this was a quirk i grew up with. Never even thought they were ptsd related! Oh my gosh i am so embarrassed even thinking about it, i can't help it though! As a child, i would hum myself back into the present after an "abusive encounter" and i think the slight humour kinda made me smile a bit which made me feel better. It's a very ME thing.

I also do this thing where when i get panic attacks, i'm deathly afraid of the floor. I don't know what it is about the floor, but i'm scared of touching it or standing on it, or lying on it. I have to be elevated like on a chair or sofa or bed. The floor is lava doesn't even cut it.

I also have these thoughts when i'm alone. I mean i do have Intrusive Thoughts all the time, but these are lighter and happier. As a child, i was heavily bullied at school and i would cry at night because i didn't want to go to school the next day. So i kinda developed a routine where i would imagine scenarios where everyone was my friend, and i even imagine grandiose situations where everyone apologised and we were fine, and my mother loved me better, and i had a sibling magically appear, and i was happy. It lulled me to sleep. I still do this today. Imagining that people at work loved me, imagining my partner's ex didn't still bother us, imagining that i had friends in real life who lived in the same town as me. I need this to go to sleep. these imaginary scenarios are what puts me into a restful state. I notice i space out alot and imagine my scenes when i'm sad and alone or even walking to work and need a pick me up for the day. I sometimes even believe they're real? I lose track of what is real and what is imaginary. Is this a form of disassociation that i've made into a habit? i don't know, honestly.

And i hate touching myself. I can't touch myself intimately. In an intimate moment with my partner, i can only put my hands on him. I can't touch myself. It makes me physically sick. I hate the feel of my own skin on my palms. This includes my limbs, face, neck, everything D: It's very hard and embarrassing to talk about. I haven't been sexually abused, i feel it stems from a deep self-hatred.

I wonder if anyone has these Quirks like me? or different Quirks of their own? I think i define a Quirk as a habit or some behavioral or thought-related trait that you've developed due to long term trauma exposure. Hope to hear from you

All my love,
Roe.

Hi everyone,

I've never joined a support group (physical or cyber or anything) so I don't really know how to conduct myself in this situation.

I don't want to use my real name, but you can call me Roe. I come from Asia, but am now living in Europe. I don't want to get into specifics about who i am because i get very 'paranoid' that my mother will find me.

I'm from an emotional and physical abuse background, by my mother to be exact. wow that was hard to type out. I am an only child so her rage is always purely directed at me. I can recount little events that have big impacts, but some of us might find that triggering and I'm not about to unleash my demons onto another person. If you want to find out more about my past, please message me privately (i honestly want to get it out, and i think telling another person what has happened to me might make me feel better).

i guess i have some concerns that really nag at me all the time on my trauma journey:
I've not been medically diagnosed with ptsd/c-ptsd, but my counsellor says she detects severe symptoms and she was shocked at how much i endured as a child and is convinced that i am on the ptsd spectrum. She referred me to a specialist, but he turned out to be very...unhelpful. He did not make me feel safe, he even said i should choose between my sessions or my job if i can't meet the times because "this is a specialist service, so please take it seriously". I didn't appreciate his tone and his arrogance, so I stopped seeing him before we could reach a diagnosis. Then i moved house and got a job and I am suddenly swallowed by life and I have no means/time to get help. I'm feeling like i'm in a slightly better place emotionally, but that's not to say i don't still want a community who understands me.

i also have concerns that (and i know it's not the case) my experiences are 'not as bad' as other people's and my brain is telling me that i 'don't deserve' to be here. I do this quite alot in social settings, always feeling like i 'don't deserve' to be anywhere or 'don't deserve' to talk to someone about something. I hope to be able to find my place within this loving community and hope to prove to myself that i can indeed be 'worthy' of support. So i'm putting myself out here now and reaching out!

My discovery of c-ptsd has really shed some light on habits i picked up over the years. As a child of abuse, i did not realise that some of the things i do are actually symptoms of c-ptsd. They just felt 'normal' to me. Before speaking to my counsellor, i did not realise that what happened to me had this much effect on my adult life. i lived in denial for 23 years as my trauma started from birth. I feel like discovering c-ptsd and hearing from a trained trauma counsellor that my childhood has impacted my adulthood has really opened my eyes.

I hope to find my place here, and learn more about this. Maybe there will come a day when i don't have nightmares anymore and i can love myself again.


All my love,
Roe