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Topics - Urs

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Therapy / hard therapy
« on: July 07, 2018, 10:33:06 AM »
So I had a weird therapy session where my t kept pressing me about meds even though for me, they are a hard no - I basically shut down in the conversation and couldn't talk really. Not olny that, but then we did some EMDR-ish things that brought up W H Y. I was at that point, porbably somewhere else entirely.

THing is after the sess (no gorunding or anything, though my t did ask me whether it was fine by me to en the session there and I said fine) I was... I can only desribe it as I did not have acess to my mind. I could navigate wher I was going and such, but I was basically mute, even though I was presnt. It was a s if my mind was a lake. Whn you throw a pebble into a lake, it creates ripples, wves, it sinks in... the pebbles being outside stimuli, but also thoughts. For me it was like the lake was frozen, cvered in an unchrckable lyer of translucent ice. YOu could still throw a rock on the lake theoretically, but it never sunk in etc.

Other metaphor I came up with is a bear in a stream just surrounded by fsh. The bear could easily catch the fish, they jsut bump into his legs, but he is jsut stnding there, not truly acknowledging the water on his feet, just staring right ahed. He on some lvel knows the fsh are there, that he is in watr, and that the sun is shinin, but nothing really registers. My friend desribed that image as tranquil - but that would imply a sense of peace and there was jsut nothing - if anything, the bear might have been tranquilIZED.

Depsite this... detchment from my perosn, I cried more that dy than I have cried in months, mostly bc I could not have cried at all. So I am wndering what was happenin there?

I was also quite annoyed with the therapist latr for letting me go, even though I did say I was fine. But mainly for coercing me into talking about these tpics that my t should know are dffciult to talk about. I felt thoroughly eff-ed.

P.s.: Typos = OCD. Can't type some words. Also I said I would not apologise for it anymor...

I have to say I do not know whether I was abused, neglected, or traumatized but I have a lot of symptoms of CPTSD. I seem to oscillate between anxiety and anger, with a few days of semi-content peace in between. I have an aversion to touch (hugs, kisses, the elderly favorite cheek-pinch), fear of doctors and anything medical, fear of law enforcement (delusion-like idea: they will see the evil in me and hurt me), and loud noises (barking dogs, fireworks, storms, but also shouting) There are a few gaps where I just do not remember anything, I do have anger issues.  I would drink almost daily after school and/or self-harm when upset by school or family.    I was a "good" kid: polite, quiet, shy (more like scared of people, probably), preferred the company of older people (adults) over peers, solitary activities (books and art esp.). I remember feeling like f. is indifferent, and m. incapable of protecting me

Please, help me figure out if I can have C-PTSD. I am seeing a therapist for OCD currently, but SPD and some dissociative disorder was also suggested as options. I have issues identifying what is an issue or "not normal" and what to bring up and with establishing goals, so I would appreciate any tips and tricks on how to deal with that as well. 

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