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Topics - Debora

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Hospital
« on: September 17, 2018, 07:54:33 PM »
Looking at going I to hospital. Scared. Can't sleep it's 5:50am here.
No one close to me for support or advocacy and protection while I'd be an inpatient and those places are unsafe and harmful. I thought my life would be something special. Ha! How deluded and arrogant. Now I think I will die or end up a drooling mental patient alone and at the merCy of an unsafe abusive system. I understand why people end their own lives.

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General Discussion / Abandoned by psychologist
« on: September 11, 2018, 04:18:33 PM »
I need my old psychologist back. I yearn for her....or my inner child does. She was my primary attachment figure the closest to a safe loving moyher that i never had and have deeply yearned for my whole life and though she has deeply traumatised me, I need her! It's like a terrifies child needing their mum and her abandoning them. My inner child is rocking in intense distress and just calling for her. It's so painful!! The adult part of me can see what the psychologist did was harmful and can see its not black and white but my little child doesn't understand and I just need her back. I'm stuck in a horrible terrifying place of abandonment and there's no relief. No other safe person to go to. I feel worthless.

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General Discussion / Can't find help
« on: September 11, 2018, 04:08:51 PM »
I am feeling so frustrated and angry that I can't find help! I'm sick of being told to read a book. I need a really good trauma therapist. I need a good facilitated support group and I'm so so sick of looking for and asking for help and being let down. There is NOTHJNG here. Not even a general grief support group! I am SO alone. I don't even have an emergency contact or next of kin. I'm heartbroken and feel very worthless. Why can't I effing find help!!?? I really hate the human race sometimes.

4
I'm reating flashback management on page 146. Step 4....speak reassuringly to your inner child. What if I don't know how to be there for my inner child or aren't good enough at it? I have no good parenting to go off of and I feel scared about betraying and abandoning myself cos I don't know HOW to be there for my inner child.

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Successes, Progress? / I feel proud of myself
« on: August 23, 2018, 01:35:04 PM »
I feel proud of myself....it's a small glimmer of hope, a small win. I was feeling awful and I did some mindfulness meditation. I had stopped doing it because it was an audio track in my old psychologists voice and she has deeply traumatised me so I couldn't listen to her voice. I have begun to try and re-remember the exercise in my own voice and I did it and I feel so much better briefly! I need help to remember to do it again. I'm scared I will think myself out of it, or avoid doing it......does anyone else have that problem?  I am also proud because I am sick with a virus and really mentally scared cos I'm alone but I texted my neighbour and asked her if I could have a whinge over text and she said yes. I gave myself permission to complain about how sick I felt. I needed that and I did a good thing for myself and felt relieved at having a safe space to get it out!

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General Discussion / Got a bug
« on: August 22, 2018, 03:56:38 PM »
Hi all,

I've am fighting a sinus and ear infection. I don't taste or smell anything and my right ear is totally blocked. My left is slowly getting there. I can't breathe through my nose if I lay down. I feel scared when I am sick and on my own. I think it's odd because I used to work as a registered nurse in intensive care managing ventilated and critically I'll people but when I have a head cold I feel scared. I don't want to be alone. I need the comfort of family....if I had a safe one. Is it just me or do others feel scared and want others around when they feel sick?

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Too much pain
« on: August 12, 2018, 03:04:05 PM »
I am really struggling. Every moment in my head is awful. I don't think I can survive this. I'm in so much pain and soooo alone. There's no one to catch me.....it's constant and has been for so long. The one person I trusted has hurt me and left me alone. I'm really scared. Sleep is the only escape I have from the constant mental pain.

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Friends / New friendship breakdown
« on: August 05, 2018, 02:38:48 PM »
Hi all,

I'm feeling pretty upset and hope I can come here to talk about it in a safe place.

I have a neighbour I've been making friends with and it's broken down over the aggressive and frightening behaviour of another neighbour. I'm fairly confident in my decision to back off but it's still upsetting. I need to talk about it but don't feel I can go into the details here. I'm upset. My abdomen is crampy....from stress. I automatically start blaming myself and that's the scariest thing. Does anyone else have experiences of lots of relationships failing? I'm not saying it's a bad thing. People are so mean and judgemental!

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General Discussion / Fired my support worker agency
« on: August 02, 2018, 02:30:55 AM »
So I just fired the support agency who I had support workers through. I am pretty confident that it was the right decision. Its been a string of crappy even harmful service.  To continue with them feels like not protecting myself against more harm. The problem is now I have no support worker and I feel afraid.

Making the right decisions for myself don't always feel good......is that ok? Is it normal? or does it mean it was the wrong decision?


10
An organisation here in Australia gave me the name of a psychologist to try out, I had an online session with her, she said she was happy to see me. Then emails me a few days later to say she won't see me.
The same day I hear that my support worker, who I see once a week and like, wont see me anymore because last time we met I was really sad and crying and emotional. The support organisation said to me that support workers are for social support....not emotional support. FFS. I really hate people.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / A Waste
« on: July 23, 2018, 12:34:04 PM »
Topic: Wasted

I am Noone and nothing. I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander through the world in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. More than anything alone, so alone.
I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and to be worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. Life doesn't happen till that void is filled, the need met. I have a vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the species I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.


12
Hi,

I am terrified, angry and intensely sad all at the same time. I'm angry that humans haven't given me the love and support and understanding that I needed and STILL don't. I in a rage at the human race! I feel that I want to explode!
At the same time I feel terrified and in so much pain inside from grief. The love I have craved and yearned for but been neglected of my whole life. I NEED it so intensely and only because I've been deprived of it. Instead of just bloody giving me what I need, people back away and blame and judge me, which just makes the need more intense! I just need LOVE!
Why is that so hard. I really hate humans sometimes.

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Having an Exceptionally Difficult Day / Wasted
« on: July 10, 2018, 07:36:46 AM »
I am Noone and Nothing.  I exist, I breathe in and out, I wander in no particular direction except towards death eventually...having never been truly loved, having loved no one, empty, meaningless, purposeless. I spent 40years fighting, trying to get what I needed and vaguely wanted to hope I deserved....to be loved well, unselfishly, unconditionally and worthy of protection and safety. To be taught and shown that I had worth. A vacuum and yawning pain inside, always seeking the love and acceptance I didn't get and still need and forever being rejected over and over. Till I stop trying. Because now I know that to the race I belong, I am worthless. Its not fair, its not ok and its not right but humans are cruel and dishonest and disingenuous. Getting angry about it, no matter how justified, just results in more judgement, rejection and blame. Being unloved blazes like a neon sign on my forehead and instead of responding with love and care, humans use it as a warning to stay away. So I have empty wide eyes that stare off to nowhere. Frozen in fear that never got the comfort it needed
A husk of a human. Wasted.

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Frustrated? Set Backs? / Big setback
« on: July 08, 2018, 05:44:30 PM »
Hi,
The relationship with my longterm therapist fell apart in a very traumatic way and its messed me up big time. It feels like a massive setback, that ive lost all the work we did over 5years. I feel so lost and massively let down. It truely broke my heart and its also destroyed my trust in psychologists which puts me in an incredibly difficult position. I need help now more than ever and yet I have no trust in the people I am meant to go to for help. I feel very trapped and angry and a big range of emotions.....rage, fear, intense sadness and grief/loss, huge yearning for the relationship back and painful confusion.
I've tried many other psychologists since then and its like now I just see through them. Also there are some very dodgy people practising out there who are not safe. I've been rejected over and over again. Its like I am on a rollercoaster of rejection. I don't know what to do. I have been advised to put in a complaint about my ex therapist by many people........I need support before I do that though....for my own wellbeing. I don't know where to find someone who understands.


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