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Topics - briasmith12

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Recently, I've started spiraling. I went from "managing" (at like a 6/10) to a level of depression and anxiety that my anxiety medication and self-care techniques can't touch. It's been incredibly frustrating to me as it's been years since I've felt quite this fragile and un-grounded, the last time being when M died. A week or so ago, I realized what must have been the trigger, an incident about a month ago. The short version is that a woman came into the cafe where I work and physically threatened another customer. She was unhinged and upset about him cutting her off on the freeway, a couple of miles away. I acted without thinking, like I did as a kid, and immediately got between the woman and her target, and escorted her out as I called the police. She was so sure she was justified that she waited for the police to show up so she could share her part of the story.

As if that wasn't enough, a couple of weeks ago, a couple was in our parking lot and a dv situation developed. As I was the supervisor, one of the baristas came and got me and I was calling the police...again. I have been so stressed and paranoid at work, hypervigilant and just exhausted when I get home. Haven't wanted to go anywhere or do anything. My boss is thankfully understanding (she knows about the anxiety) and has reduced my hours and shortened my shifts.

This morning, one person called in sick and then, at 615 (we open at 430 am), one of our coworkers walked through the door for her shift...completely and utterly drunk. Weaving when walking, barely could form sentences, drunk, and it's been an ongoing issue with her. I'm sympathetic about her situation, addiction is horrible and a cyclical battle, but I have not been in a good place and this put me over the top. I just lost it. Our cafe is very, very busy, as we're near a lot of businesses and on a main thoroughfare for vacationers and commuters, and I had to somehow make magic happen with three people. I have already been so on edge at work. A situation like this I can normally handle with very few ruffled feathers. This time, though, I had to go into the back and take a few minutes as I felt myself starting to hyperventilate and panic and I couldn't stop it. It's the first time in months that I've had a panic attack at work and the first one that others have seen, and it was triggered by something that is normally annoying, but not something I (generally) see as catastrophic. I'm not really in a position to not work, but I have been losing faith lately in my ability to handle my job. It's a stressful job without adding my triggers and generally unpredictable, but manageable, emotions, and as my ability to cope continues to fracture, I'm just not sure how much more of this (being the job) I can take.

I do have a new T in the crosshairs, but It's taken a long time to even schedule an appointment, so I'm not sure how long it will be until I can get some real help working through all of this. It's just been the day from * and I know some of you (if not all) will understand where I'm coming from and that's not a thing I have a lot of in my life. Sympathizers and empathizers are very different though equally important when it comes to things like this. I guess I just need validation because it's one of those days that I feel legitimately crazy and unstable.

Hi all,
I, as I'm sure most of you have, have dealt with misdiagnosis. It doesn't help that I've never been fully honest with my therapists (before now) about the real extent and variety of childhood abuse, which I won't go into here because it's irrelevant. Suffice it to say that I have been managing my life unhealthily, but with most people being unaware, including DH. He knows about the panic attacks, the chronic and severe depression, etc., but I'm having a v difficult time explaining why "all of a sudden" him bear hugging me or being in my face makes me anxious. I realize he won't ever fully understand and I know I did this to myself by not being present and honest, but I do need him to understanding that I've struggled with this my whole life and that it's nothing new. To somebody who's never experienced dissociation or depersonalization, maybe it's an impossibility. I have lived so long in the world of this person whose life I was wearing that I don't know how to explain to him that I'm not exaggerating or making it up. That's a huge trigger for me and also a v large part of why I'd not ever been honest with therapists or psychiatrists about my symptoms/feelings.
Any thoughts?

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